


Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This

by Pyreneese



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, L Needs a Hug, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Sex, Sleep Paralysis, Yotsuba Arc (Death Note), disturbing imagery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:08:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 38
Words: 94,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25402849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pyreneese/pseuds/Pyreneese
Summary: L has always struggled with insomnia and sleep paralysis. But the Kira Case is making it worse. He knows that if he continues like this, he'll end up self-destructing.
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Comments: 551
Kudos: 458





	1. Demons at Night

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, this is probably my darkest story that I'm trying out. Let me know what you think, feedback's always appreciated :)
> 
> Sleep paralysis is a state, during waking up or falling asleep, in which a person is aware but unable to move or speak. During an episode, one may hallucinate (hear, feel, or see things that are not there), which often results in fear.

L was floating.

Or was he falling?

It was always so hard to tell.

This was a regular occurrence at night. He rarely ever dreamed, but when he did, they were just weightless sensations. And then he'd wake up feeling just as tired as when he fell asleep.

Sometimes he'd have sleep paralysis. The first time was terrifying.

He was thirteen and he woke up unable to move his limbs. His parents' murderer stood in the corner of the room, his gun glinting and eyes glowing a dark red. Panic washed his system, his breathing coming fast and terrified.

"Hey Babe," he whispered reverently, "long time no see."

L tried getting up or screaming for help. _Something_. But he couldn't move and simply squeezed his eyes shut, his mother's shrieks echoing in the back of his brain. The smell of burning flesh as they burnt her alive. He could hear the man slowly lumbering towards him, each step heavy on the floorboards. His fly unzipping. At that point, L was hyperventilating and all he wanted to do was die. He'd accept death with open arms if it meant escaping... the smell of alcohol and cigars filled his brain, his mind stuck between conscious and unconscious. Weight pushed down on his chest, his pulse racing until he was silently sobbing. After a few seconds, his fingers could slowly move and the weight lifted. His eyes flew open to see that the man was gone.

He'd tripped on his feet running to Wammy's room, tears streaming down his cheeks and his knees wobbling, allowing the screams of horror that had been bottled up to finally rip from his throat.

Of course, since then, he'd done numerous amounts of research on the topic. An entire shelf in his room was dedicated to books on sleep paralysis, articles on how to prevent, how to make the whole ordeal faster, analyzations of common hallucinations. Everything. L was many things. Unprepared was not one of them.

But all the reading material didn't stop them from happening. When he was fifteen, it seemed to be every night. Monsters cackling in the shadows and sitting on top of him, crushing his chest. When he was on his side, he could hear the voices from behind him, sensing shifts in weight and presences. It seemed like no matter what he did, whatever position he took, he couldn't escape. On the worst nights when he felt like demons were laughing excitedly and their malevolent energy made the hairs on the back of his neck stand, L would give up sleep for the rest of the night... instead opting to work on a case, his laptop's screen filling the dark air.

It started to show on his face. In his slump. Insomnia brought about as a result of horrifying images, nightmares and suffocating weight. But it was fine. He was managing his insomnia. It was all... okay...

Surprise, being chained to a mass murderer didn't help his condition at all.

L's eyes fluttered open, his breath catching. The second they opened, he knew he was having another episode. His brain spun through all the usual characters from his hallucinations, wondering which one he'd see. It was a sick game where he was expecting and knew he wasn't in any real danger, but couldn't stop himself from feeling _scared_. Like a goddamn child.

Oh, so tonight it was a demon girl with fangs as long as his fingers, her eyes black holes without whites or pupils. Her skin was a rotted grey, flesh cracked with worms slithering out. Her edges were blurred and even though he couldn't see her hands, it felt like they were wrapped around his throat.

His eyes widened, trying to cough. It felt like he was being suffocated, all of the air being sucked out of his very lungs. L's eyes snapped to his right, where Light was sleeping peacefully with his back to him, completely oblivious. L gasped, instinctual panic gripping his brain. His lips quivered, his entire body deadweight. He shrieked, but it was all in his mind. The only sound that came out of his mouth was a strangled whimper. But inside his body... he was crying and yelling, his thoughts muddled by raw terror.

After about a minute of this and L squeezing his eyes shut, he felt the weight lift off his chest. The room went quiet. He almost didn't want to try moving... as if that'd somehow trigger another episode. L cautiously opened an eye, testing out his fingers. They twitched and curled, back under his control.

Exhaling, L scrabbled into his usual crouch, his knees touching his chin. He was still breathing heavily, his heart racing. L shivered, his grip on his knees tightening. Tears welled behind his eyes but he quickly swallowed them, shaking his head.

So sleep was a hard no tonight. Great. Just what he needed.

Light groaned, the lighting in the room changing with L's laptop. He twisted, squinting against the bright glare.

"Do you mind?" He growled, "some of us are actually trying to sleep."

L blinked long and slowly, his eyes owlish.

"My apologies. This is valuable time for the investigation."

Light's lips tightened in annoyance.

"You can get back to the investigation in the morning," he snipped.

"But why waste so much time?"

Light's eyes narrowed but he knew he wouldn't win the argument. Rolling his eyes, he simply pressed a pillow over his face. It worked, blocking out the harsh screen. Light shook his head in the pillow.

"I can't believe I'm fucking stuck with your 24/7."

"The feeling's mutual," L muttered bitterly under his breath.

Light didn't say anything. L's fingers over the keyboard hesitated.

"The screen is at its lowest illumination... I'm sorry if it's causing you trouble."

Light chewed on his lip.

"Whatever."

With that, Light fell asleep under his pillow. L watched him warily, marveling at the fact that not only could such a murderer sleep so peacefully, but that it was easy. Light made sleeping look insultingly easy. L sank his teeth into his tongue, not caring when he drew blood.

Why? Why couldn't it be as easy for him? He wanted dreams! And to not have to wake up terrified that he'd see some fresh nightmare! He needed to sleep... sighing, he carefully unlocked the chain, slinking to the bathroom. L had already been awake straight for the past three days. Any more and he was worried that his work would be affected by it.

Rummaging through the medicine cabinet, he grunted, pulling a small bottle of sleeping pills. They were prescribed for him, but he didn't like the way they made him feel. He didn't like the feeling of grogginess in general and the way they made him moody in the mornings, usually with an annoying headache. But it was either that or another whole night without sleep...

Grumbling to himself, L popped the dosage of two, splashing water into his mouth and forcing himself to swallow. He shuddered, leaning against the sink. Memories swirled in his brain, the four men that killed his family, raped his mother while he hid, his father begging them to stop. And then they... found him... L choked, a wave of nausea hitting him. He clamped his jaw, shaking his head. No. He needed to keep the pills in his system.

His knees buckled but managed to bring him back to bed. L reattached the handcuff to his wrist and curled beneath the blanket, his pulse still thundering.

Exhaling shakily, L waited for the pills to take effect. Soon enough, he was floating, dreamless.

* * *

Light glared at L.

The detective was still sleeping? What the Hell? They were already late! Light gave an experimental tug, grumbling when L's arm simply rose and plopped back down on the mattress.

"Ryuzaki," he growled.

L moaned, twisting beneath the sheets and hiding his face.

"What?" He whined.

Light pursed his lips, pulling at L's arm. In retaliation, L violently swung the chain, sending Light crashing down on the bed. L craned his neck, eyes red and blazing with annoyance.

"Fuck off," he snapped.

Light straightened, his nostrils flaring.

"We're late, asshole."

L's brow quirked, his gaze deadly.

"How is that my problem?"

"It's your investigation," Light shot back, "if you're going to be a dick about this, then you're not working on Kira at 2 in the morning anymore."

Their eyes engaged in a silent battle. L was tempted to kick Light's shin. He groaned, forcing his body to move, his muscles tired and aching. Wow, the pills were pretty fucking strong... he trudged to the closet, throwing it open to reveals rows upon rows of white shirts and jeans. Light made a small, horrified noise.

"Howww," he murmured under his breath.

L lips twitched in a snarl.

"Oh bugger off, ya twat."

He hissed, realizing he used English slang. Light blinked, tilting his head curiously, but wisely decided not to press it. He did, however, much to L's _increasing_ rage, decided to show **_concern_**.

"Ryuzaki... you okay? You've been acting a bit... volatile this morning."

L boiled, his brain still struggling to come awake.

"Volatile?"

Light shrank, looking genuinely worried. L hated it. He hated that a part of him liked it. That's Light's large brown puppy-dog eyes were making him feel vulnerable. 

"Listen to me, Yagami. I don't need you telling me what I am or am not. Keep your opinions to yourself and hopefully we can catch Kira and get these things off."

"You took your handcuffs off last night," Light replied cooly.

L froze, his throat bobbing nervously. He shifted, flexing his fingers into his shirt's fabric, the silence in the room stifling. Light knew he was right, and a part of him was still sour about it.

Puffing out his chest, L met Light's eyes challengingly.

"And? What's it to you? _I_ decide when and if these handcuffs come off. If I want to temporarily remove them, then that's within my prerogative."

Light's teeth ground.

"Hypocrite."

"You can waste time calling me whatever you like. But like you yourself said," L stepped up menacingly, his expression dark and sending a chill up Light's spine, "we're late."

Light stared after L incredulously. The downtrodden and exhausted movements, the anger seeping out of the detective's face.

Deciding against saying anything else, Light quietly followed.


	2. Spiders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so blown away by the responses to the first chapter ^w^! Thank you to everyone reading and I hope you like it! :D

L's fingers flew across the keyboard. The effects of the sleeping pills had worn off and he was back moving at insane speeds. A part of him missed it. The drowsiness and the ability to shut himself off from the world for a few hours, to disappear in his own mind and almost cease to exist. The feeling was... intoxicating... His phone buzzed and he glanced down to see that Watari had texted him in Russian, a language that he knew for a fact that Light couldn't read.

**W: How did you sleep last night?**

**L: Not too bad, I got 2 hours of sleep. I feel great.**

L smirked dryly, already imagining Watari's pursed lips and disapproving glare. Shrugging to himself, he stuffed the phone back in his pocket, eyes sliding to the larger monitor. Kira's mo had changed. They were no longer the work of a 'misunderstood vigilante' and more so the killings of higher end business men. L touched a finger to his lips thoughtfully. There was a strategy behind these deaths, each one carefully orchestrated.

"It does look like Kira's killing for profit," he mused, carefully stacking his creamer cups.

He was very precise in balancing them, looking through the warped plastic at the screen behind, where all of the businessmen murdered had been listed. Light tilted his head.

"You think Kira's a mercenary now?"

It took all L had not to snort. Of course he didn't think that. And something told him Light didn't either... but the teen was struggling, seeming torn and wanting to believe that this was simply the first Kira and that nothing had changed. L's brow quirked.

"I think we're dealing with a new Kira and new ideals... the power somehow passed."

Light went quiet, obviously bothered. L faltered, frustrated that a part of him wanted to reach out. Why did he want to see that sweet smile? It was rare when it was genuine, but when it was, L could tell. Light's entire face reflected the smile, his eyes shining chocolatey and warm. L nibbled on his thumb, not sure what to say, but Light beat him to it.

"It looks like Yotsuba's stock has tripled since the emergence of this new Kira," he rasped, accepting the fact that L believed he was still the first Kira.

L bobbed his head. Could Light really be innocent now? No... what was L thinking? He couldn't let his guard down...

Light stayed quiet, even when the two of them were eating lunch while playing chess. L nudged a pawn up two spaces, looking at the other anxiously. Should he... say something? Clearing his throat, L scratched the back of his neck. His toes wiggled in anticipation. Hm... when those pills let him sleep, he didn't feel this gut-turning anxiety. L paused, his stomach churning and threatening to vomit on him. When he was sleeping, he didn't have the deep desire, no, need, to purge. 

Why was the waking world so complicated?

"I was talking with Watari and if you want it, he can buy you a sleeping mask when he goes to the store."

Light blinked, glancing up at L in surprise. L simply watched the chess board, trying to plan out his next move. He already had the next six planned out, as well as contingencies and other forms of defense and attack. He forced himself to focus on that and not the gratitude pouring from Light's features.

"Thank you, Ryuzaki," Light mumbled, "that's very... kind... of you."

L shifted in amusement. Him? Kind? Ha, that was a new one. Normally, he didn't care what people thought about him, and in turn, he couldn't care less about people. Yet Light's comment left his stomach... fluttering? Huh. That was a new feeling. Pfft, he probably didn't mean it either way. Humans were all deceptive monsters, quietly waiting in the shadows to take advantage and get ahead in life where they could, giving out compliments and preening their prey. Leaching off of their meals for as long as the meals could give something of value. The only way to avoid being consumed by them was to avoid encountering them altogether. L glared at Light, his chest constricting.

 _Well, Light. I've encountered you... are you going to eat me_?

Light's brow furrowed when L didn't answer, and instead opted to just stare at him. He fiddled with his captured bishop, twisting the smooth piece in between his fingers. L's words mulled in his brain. Could he really have been Kira? Was he really capable of so much killing? Suddenly Light didn't feel so well... his grip on the piece tightened, his heart beating faster. If L was right about him being Kira... that would mean he singlehandedly killed 106, 823 human beings... sons, daughters, parents. How could L think he was capable of that?!

"I'm not Kira," he whimpered.

L's eyes narrowed a fraction.

"Why would the possibility trouble you so much? Don't your ideals align with his?"

Light's eyes snapped in L's direction, his mouth hanging in a stunned silence. L didn't break eye contact, those storm-cloud grey eyes burrowing into Light's very soul. Searching in those large eyes, Light could almost believe they were like a funhouse mirror, twisting his reflection and showing it back in the way that L saw him. A monster. A disgusting, lying murderer.

"It doesn't matter if my _ideals_ align with his. What he's doing is evil."

"Interesting," L mused lowly, "so you believe in a dichotomy of good and evil?"

Light pursed his lips, crossing his arms protectively.

"And if I did?"

"And you believe Kira is evil?"

"...Yes?..."

"Then what should we do with him once we capture him?"

Light's jaw clamped. It was a trick question. No matter what he said... he was set up for failure... well, honest or nothing, he supposed.

"I think he should be executed. That kind of person can't be rehabilitated."

"Hm. You agree with execution... either he's not as evil as you claim or you're not as good as you'd like to believe."

Light's eyes misted, knowing the other would say some variation of that.

L hugged his knees, not expecting that reaction. Oh, shit... why did he have the sudden urge to _apologize_? _I'm not wrong, I know I'm not._

 _Light Yagami is Kira_.

And yet the look of hurt on that face was almost enough to send L purging from the guilt and stress. Light cleared his throat, nonchalantly swiping at his eyes, obviously trying to pass it more as an eyelash or dirt. L bit at his thumb.

"But... neither of us are 'good'. No one is. I don't think Kira's _evil_. Nor is he good."

"You... don't? Then- then what do you think he _is_?"

L gave a small smile, impish in its own way. He knew this case could easily be the death of him, but he didn't care. He hadn't cared about living in a long time. There was only one reason for him to be alive right now.

"A challenge."

* * *

L had tried staying awake, and to a certain degree, his methods worked. He was on his laptop until about 4:30, a lollipop dangling from his lips and providing an extra kick of sugar. But he knew the previous night hadn't been enough sleep to justify another restless 24 hours. And if he were being honest with himself...

Reading about the Yotsuba Group's business projections, models and stocking were **_boring_**. Holy _fuck_ , was he bored to tears. 

_Maybe boredom is the key to insomnia_ , he snorted inwardly, putting the laptop away and sliding under the covers. The task force came at eight. Three hours of sleep would actually be quite nice... 

L was sleeping on his stomach, the side of his face plastered to the pillow, his wild hair splayed across his features. A part of him was hoping that if he had another episode, he'd be able to escape from the hallucination under his bangs.

He actually managed to fall asleep. No dreams, but more importantly, no nightmares. As L drifted through oblivion, his eyes snapped open unexpectedly.

 _No_.

His body was frozen.

 _No. No_...

L swallowed, waiting. His brow furrowed. There was something... crawling on his back... tickling him, going-going under his skin. He let out a decidedly unheroic squeak.

 _Spiders... s-spiders, spiders, spiders, spiders, spiders_.

His eyes widened in horror, dozens, no hundreds, of little furry feet scuttling along his goosebumps. L couldn't twist his neck to look back. He was forced to sit there and feel the little pressures of their feet, moving just under like an annoying itch, crawling up the back of neck. T-they were burrowing into his windpipe, cutting off his breathing. L choked, sputtering pitifully.

L's hand moved and the legs slowly stopped, but he couldn't get the sensation out of his head. Jumping to a sitting position, he slapped at his back, his breath coming out harsh and labored.

Light yelped as his arm was jerked by L's movements. He rubbed a hand over his face, ripping off his new mask, eyes flickering in confusion.

"L? A-are you okay?"

Panic was still gripping him as he tore his shirt over his torso, trying to examine his skin in the dark. L was shivering and sweaty, but it was all cold, making him shake.

"I-I thought I felt a spider," L replied lamely, "... you don't see anything, right?"

L rode his shirt up higher to reveal his back. He shuddered knowing Light's eyes were traveling up and down his spine. And then... Light's fingers... warm and like honey, softly touching L's back. He stared at the floor, his mind spinning, his grip on his shirt tightening with every glide of Light's smooth, un-calloused digits. Heat flushed through his veins, making L almost sway.

"I don't see anything," Light murmured.

"Oh," L said, giving a weak laugh, "guess it was a, a trick of the mind."

Light hummed to himself, still running fingers up and down to make sure. Pulling back, L heard the bed creak as Light settled into a more comfortable position. Swallowing thickly, L looked at the other out of the corner of his eye. Light's entire face was filled with worry and what appeared to be genuine care. It left L's stomach roiling, instantly making him nauseous.

He needed a toilet.

L smiled tightly.

"I have to go to the bathroom... you can go back to sleep. Sorry to wake you."

He unlocked the chain and sped-walk to the bathroom.

The second he closed the door, he heard Light sigh and situate himself. L's arms and legs were shaking, but he allowed them to lead him to the toilet. Hanging his head, he reached two fingers into his mouth, going back. He heaved, grasping the sides of the toilet, his stress leaving him with his dinner, making him light-headed. It was hard staying quiet, but he'd taught himself how. Light would be none the wiser.

L stared at the mess floating in the water, his mouth acidic. He felt clammy, sick... trembling, he flushed the toilet, watching it all swirl down. His good-for-shit diet disappearing. For the first time in a while, he wanted something without sugar. Maybe a slice of bread or pasta. He closed his eyes, swaying on the bathroom floor. L could almost remember his mother smiling gently, handing him a glass of ginger ale whenever he got sick. Her sweet blue eyes would shine, the soft golden sun contrasting with her pitch black hair. A gentle smile crossed his lips from the memory.

L almost fell back down, but he managed to stand, moving for the medicine cabinet. As strange as he felt in the morning, he couldn't deny that the pills kept him sleeping.

Technically, he wasn't supposed to have them every single night, but... two nights in a row was nothing. He wanted the world to disappear. To make himself forget about Light's fingers and the confusing shoots of emotion they caused. Was it a bad idea to take another two pills when he'd already had two last night?

Whatever. It was fine.

Throwing two pills in his mouth, he nodded to himself, combing his fingers through his messy locks. Taking his tooth brush, he got rid of the smell of vomit and inspected himself in the mirror. Even with the sleep from last night, there were harsh lines on his face, his entire stance tilted.

He was already feeling drowsy, grateful that he'd be able to keep his eyes closed for a few hours.


	3. Perfect

L wanted to curl up and disappear.

Misa was droning on, her annoying high pitch making him sigh.

"Man, this has got to be the lamest date I've ever been on," she whined.

L winced, biting down on his fork's prongs.

"No, no. Just pretend I'm not even here," _Heaven knows I don't **want** to be here_. 

His eyes slid to her untouched cake. _Well shit, if I have to suffer, then I at least deserve some sugar_.

"By the way, are you going to eat that cake?"

"Cake makes you fat," she replied breezily, her smirk condescending and taunting, "I'm not gonna eat any."

 _Pfft, bitch_.

"I find you don't gain weight as long as you burn calories by using your brain." His late night visits to the toilet and vomit slushing in the water flashed in his brain, but he quickly pushed those images away.

Was it catty? Yes. Did L care? No. A part of him even expected the insult to fly right over her head. But to his surprise, she straightened, her eyes blazing.

"HM! So now you're calling me stupid?!" _-Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying... good for you_ \- "Fine! I'll agree to give you the piece of cake if you leave me and Light alone."

 _Jesus Christ, Misa, you're killing me_. Did he really have to explain?

"Even if I leave you two alone, I'm still going to be watching on surveillance, so it wouldn't make any difference."

"You pervert! Can you stop it with your creepy hobbies?!"

L glanced at Light out of the corner of his eye, careful to keep the annoyance out of his face. How dare he lounge back with his arms behind his back and his eyes closed. _She's your girlfriend, do something, please_! Whatever. Her shrill voice was giving him a headache. The building was his, the cameras were his, goddamn it, that cake was too.

"You can call me whatever you like. Last chance for cake!"

"Ok then, I'll just close the blinds and turn off all the lights!"

L hated to admit it, but he was starting to be mildly amused by the exchange. Or at least her stupidity.

"We have infrared cameras too."

Light's eyes slid in their direction.

"What's wrong with you? I thought moving here was supposed to help us _catch_ Kira?"

 _Oh, Light, how wonderful of you to finally join us. Where were you when she was calling me a pervert, hm_?

"But since we've been here, you haven't seemed all that motivated to me."

"Not motivated?"

That made L pause, keeping his face cryptic. The issue was that since moving here, he hadn't gotten more than 3 hours of sleep a night, even with the pills. Nothing new was happening with the Yotsuba Group. Hell, they still didn't have proof that they were behind the latest Kira killings. As a result, his investigation had come to a screeching, debilitating halt and there was nothing he could do because he was chained to some teenager just waiting for something to happen. At this point, he wasn't sure if he could make himself care about anything.

"You're right. I'm actually depressed."

Was it the truth? L suddenly felt uncomfortable and like leaving the room. Why did he say _that_? Surely his brain could've come up with a better retort?

"Depressed? What for?"

Great, and now Light was sounding genuine again. Leaning forward with a worried expression. It took all L had not to flinch. All of his willpower to resist looking at kind, almost innocent brown eyes. He shoved a piece of cake in his mouth, let the sugar hit his tongue. He just wanted to be out of this conversation. Out of thinking about what 'made him depressed'. He shifted the conversation, trying to lead it back to Kira and away from the roiling emotions in his brain.

"Truthfully, I thought that you were Kira, and my entire case hinged on that-" _And now that it seemed the Kira power's moved, literally everything we're doing is pointless. I'm playing right into your hand, Light... I'm not sure how yet, but I know I am.._. 

Maybe L did want to push Light's buttons... anything to make the other stop _worrying_ about him, "-I guess I just can't get past the fact that my deduction was wrong. Although having said that, I'm still suspicious of you... that's why we're wearing these."

It was the strangest conversation L had ever had, and that was saying something. He was used to half-truths and lies, and yet he'd never told a complete truth and a complete lie at the same time. How odd.

Light's eyes were hardening and L felt some sick sense of gratitude. He didn't know what he pushing for, another odd thing. L never did anything without a plan, a direction. Logically, poking Light with a stick would accomplish nothing. What did he want Light to do? To explode? That wouldn't prove anything! And yet... L couldn't make himself stop.

"And we also know that Kira can control peoples' actions, which means it's highly likely that Kira was controlling your actions so that I would suspect you."

How valid. A perfect bow to Light's innocence, the perfect explanation. But he was Kira. Or at least... he had been... L kept his face as neutral as possible, but there was an excitement building, knowing Light was reaching his tipping point.

"If we assume you and Misa were being controlled by him, then everything makes a lot more sense to me."

Perhaps L was angry at himself... that this was the longest case he'd ever been on to the point where it was making him _stressed_. If Light wasn't Kira, then what was this all for? What was the resurgence of his sleep paralysis for?

"But if that's what you think, Misa and I were both Kira when we were being controlled, right?"

L's pupils dilated, the game of cat and mouse stimulating his brain. He didn't believe for a second that Light was being 'controlled'.

"Yes. I don't think I could've been wrong about that. The two of you were Kira."

Saying it sent a thrill up L's spine because he knew he was right. He went off about the facts of the case thus far, pretty much only for the camera and task force listening in with rapt attention. L's gaze went distant. Perhaps the Kira power did pass and Light was innocent... wouldn't that be a cruel joke? He tuned Light's voice out, trying to retreat into his brain.

"-Cheer up, would ya?"

L blinked, unable to keep the amusement out of his voice. He was close to pushing Light over the edge, he could feel it. A plea to change the mood of the room was Light's perfect way of trying to maintain his perfect image.

"Cheer up? No I can't, it's probably best if I stop trying so hard."

L tugged at his lip, enjoying taunting Light more than he should've.

"By chasing Kira so desperately, we're only putting our lives as risk for nothing. Yes, it's just a waste of time."

Light sighed and stood. L's breath caught, his eyes trained on the table. He'd done it... he didn't know why he did it... but he'd done it...

"Ryuzaki?"

Maybe not?

"Huh?"

L gasped as a fist collided with his cheek.

He reeled back, falling off the sofa, pain flaring up his face and side. His head hung, messy black locks framing around his face. For just a second, he stayed on the ground, shakily touching at his lip to find it bloody. _There we go_. Something stirred in his chest, egging him on. He wanted to fight. He wanted to feel his blood running down his skin and sharp pain. He was sick of trudging around like some corpse hanging on to staying awake.

L wanted to feel alive.

Craning his neck, he glared up at Light. The teen's chest was heaving, cheeks flushed with adrenaline. L cursed inwardly when a flash of _arousal_ shot through his chest. Why... what...

"That really hurt, you know," L murmured softly.

"That's enough! You don't really feel like doing anything just because your genius deduction was wrong and I'm not Kira?!"

 _Ooh, going right for the ego_. L was satisfied when he felt anger pulsing under his skin. His sluggish body was _finally_ releasing some adrenaline. He wiped at his mouth, the tang of blood on his tongue making his fingers tingle.

"I just meant that it'd be pointless to make a move now-"

"If we don't chase Kira now, he'll never be caught! Is that what you want?! Why'd you involve all those innocent people? What was the point of putting Misa and me behind bars?!"

He grabbed L's shirt, holding him up like a rag-doll. L could feel the pressure from his shirt being tugged, cutting into the back of his neck.

"I understand. But still, whatever the reason-" he dropped down, remembering the Capoeira videos and Naomi's voice, "-an eye for an eye, my friend."

L's chest drummed when he felt his foot make contact with Light's jaw. The chain pulled him and they both yelped, crashing onto the sofa. L squeezed his eyes when the sofa flipped, sending them crashing to the floor again. More pain... he wanted more... he looked at Light, his eyes blown black. Fuck, even fighting and having been kicked in the chin, Light was annoyingly handsome, his hair scuffled and dirt on his tan face.

 ** _Why was he so fucking perfect_**?!

"You should hear yourself! It's like you won't be satisfied unless I am Kira!"

"I won't be satisfied unless you're Kira?" L's voice lowered, danger seeping from his eyes, "there may be some truth to that...", _it'd be easier to hate you if you were Kira,_ "in fact, now that you mention it, I think I _wanted_ you to be Kira."

Another fist in his face. L's breath caught, his blood roaring.

"I'm... a lot stronger than I look, you know."

Yelling, L twisted and kicked, all his frustration being directed. Light's eyes crunched, his mouth twisting in pain as he stumbled back, pulling L along. Hands grabbed L's shirt and L had the strangest urge to tear it, to bite at Light's lips and claw his fingers into that chestnut hair. He wanted to sink his teeth into soft skin, drag his nails down Light's hips, suck on that tongue until it was practically dislodged from Light's mouth. 

L bunched up Light's own shirt in his hand, pulling it viciously. It exposed Light's midriff for just the briefest of moments, toned abs, heaving with Light's heavy breaths. L forced his eyes to lock with Light's, anything to get away from the sweat glistening on that perfect skin... he froze. Light's own pupils were dilated, eyes flickering around L's lips. They growled at each other, the sound making heat pool in L's stomach.

_I want to hate you._

_I want to convict you._

_I want to kiss you_.

The phone rang.

They stopped, their eyes wide.

L hesitantly let go and picked up the phone, his blood still running hot.

"What was that?"

"Matsuda's being stupid again."

"Well, that his speciality."

Against his will, L gave a dry chuckle. Of course Light was able to defuse the situation.

They didn't talk to each other for the rest of the day. L was much too proud to put ice on his swelling eye and soon, it was apparent that it'd be a black eye. Still. He tried to ignore the inquisitive looks around him and work. At some point, Watari texted him fretting that the punch may have given L a concussion, but he simply stuffed the phone in his pocket, too mentally drained to deal with the situation.

* * *

L splashed water on his face, hissing when the slightest bit of pressure from the water made his face throb. Light was behind the door changing into his pajamas. L grunted, gingerly poking at the still broken and neglected wounds covering his cheek, lips, nose and eye. The brief idea that Light broke his nose filtered through his mind, but he quickly pushed the thought away.

L wasn't even expecting it when Light gently touched and turned his shoulder so they were facing each other. A rag wrapped around ice cubes had seemed to materialize in Light's hand. L flinched, gazing at the rag suspiciously. Light's lips twitched.

"What? Now you think ice is Kira?"

He blinked, a wry smirk forcing itself on his lips.

"One can never be too careful."

Light chuckled, softly pressing the rag to L's swelling eye. L whimpered, almost drawing back from the pain. Keeping a steady hand on L's arm, Light's movements with the ice were almost tender. The heel of Light's hand brushed L's jaw, sending heat mixing with the cold. L caught himself almost nuzzling the palm, and had to focus on staring straight ahead. That was almost worse in a way, making him lock gazes with amber eyes... a rare type of brown that smoldered like a comforting fire.

L swayed on his heels, brow stitching at the feeling of relief from the ice.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Light smiled, the smile reaching his eyes and making them twinkle.

"No problem."

He was about to pull away when L grasped his wrist, his voice low and regretful.

"Y-you have a bruise on your chin..."

"Huh?"

L bit at his lip.

"Your chin," he breathed, "it's also swollen."

Before Light could protest or L could chicken out, he took the ice from the other's hand and held it to the bruises. Light blinked in surprise, but didn't make an effort to move away. L's mouth felt dry, his throat cavernous.

"I'm sorry," Light sighed, "I-I shouldn't have punched you."

L grinned.

"It's quite alright. If I'm being honest, I was rather impressed by your right hook."

Light laughed, the sound making L's chest melt and his fingers tremble. He fought to keep them steady, holding the rag against the teen's skin.

"... I'm sorry that I kicked you," L conceded.

"Like you said. An eye for an eye."

L bobbed his head gratefully, the two of them going quiet again, the bathroom's light low and golden. They were so close... their faces inches apart... Light's eyes darted around L's features, eyes honey-colored in the lighting. Wow... to L, Light's eyes had always been a dark, almost maroon amber. Why hadn't he noticed how the color changed? How... beautiful... they were? He had the deepest urge to lean forward, to let their lips make contact. He could already feel Light's hot breath gently blowing against his face.

Light cleared his throat, pulling away, something confused and unsure behind his gaze. L stabbed at the little sprouts of disappointment in his stomach, admonishing himself. Even if they were just thoughts... it was probably better to nip such musings in the bud.

L stared at him, his heart twisting.

Wordlessly, he unlocked the chain.

"You can go right ahead to the bed, I'll be there in a few minutes."

Light hesitated, looking like he wanted to say something more. He must've decided against it, walking briskly into their room. L watched after him, standing dejectedly in the bathroom.

What was wrong with him? Just a few hours ago, they were punching and kicking each other, throwing accusations. Now... now he wanted to kiss him... it was all he could think about.

L pulled out his bottle of sleeping pills, taking out his usual two.

There was no way he'd try sleeping tonight without them.


	4. Robbed

Light whimpered, shrinking.

_The dream started so well... or at least... confusing. And vivid. He was on top of L, ravenously kissing the detective lips, his body boiling with lust and pleasure. He was buried deeply inside of the other, L's legs wrapped around his waist, head tipped back in pleasure. Light grunted, rolling his hips, each movement bringing a whine from the moaning, shaking mess of a person. Light's life was perfect- king of the world, L gasping and grasping at his shoulder blades. Light attached his lips to the other's neck, sucking on the soft skin._

_These dreams had been coming more frequently. And much more lewd with each one. But this time- it was different. There was something else in the air. L tangled his fingers through Light's hair, his gaze suddenly becoming vacant._

_Light stopped thrusting, touching L's sharp jaw._

_"Ryuzaki?"_

_L made a pained sound, his chest heaving._

_"Lig-"_

_The arms that were around Light's torso flew to the detective chest, L scrabbling at his heart. Light watched in horror as the man choked, raking his nails and eyes bugging._

_"Kira," L snarled, crying out in agony._

_It felt like Light couldn't move, still attached to L but unable to do anything. Large tears rolled down L's face as he slumped, his breath coming in wheezes._

_"You... killed... me" L murmured in awe, his eyes slipping shut._

_The detective went still, hands resting over his heart. Light stared at him. It hit him like a wave, the fact that L had just died in his arms. And he was the killer. He was the reason why the beautiful man was_ _gone._

_"R-Ryuzaki? Ryuzaki! I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! Please wake up! Please, I didn't mean to! I take it back."_

_A low wail ripped from Light's throat. He supported L's body in a tight hug, not wanting to move, as if still being inside the man meant he was still alive._

_"L! God, please, no! **No!** "_

_He screamed._

Light gasped, eyes shooting open. He was shaking, drenched in a cold sweat. He shivered, tears springing to the corners of his eyes. The look of utter betrayal on that face while L was dying... pain and sorrow mixing together.

A sob racked him as he slid to a sitting position, his heart thudding. There was a loud knocking against the inside of his temple, giving him a splitting headache. He clutched at his chest and hair, hanging his head.

L was already sitting awake on his pillow, fingers flying over a keyboard. He stopped, gazing at Light curiously.

"Bad dream?"

Light tried shaking his head, saying that he was fine. But the detective was already pulling at his arm.

"Follow me."

The other shot him a questioning look but obeyed, trudging behind L. He tilted his head, brow furrowing when he was led to the kitchen. Seeing how it was supposed to tend to the whole building, the kitchen was large and rather industrial, making Light feel small by comparison. L dragged a stool to one of the metallic counters, pointing at it.

"Sit."

Light did as he was told, intrigued by L's movements. The detective expertly went around the kitchen, gathering a slew of ingredients. Chocolate, sugar, vanilla extract. He heated up a saucepan, throwing in all of the ingredients. In a few minutes, the entire room was filled with a fresh, soothing smell of melted chocolate and warm milk, the vanilla extract tying everything together in a sweet and comforting way.

Smirking, L poured the hot cocoa into a large mug, rummaging through the pantry.

"Do you prefer any toppings?"

"Um... whipped cream and cinnamon?"

Soon, L slid the concoction over. The whipped cream completely covered the liquid and was finely dusted with the cinnamon.

"Homemade hot cocoa," L perched in a chair across from Light, "I find it always helps."

Light licked at the whip cream, his nose crinkling with a slight laugh. L placed his chin in the cup of his hand, simply watching the other. Delicately sipping from the mug, Light's cheeks flushed.

"Thank you," he murmured. Light took another thoughtful sip, eyes darting around L's tired face, "... it's incredible you know how to make it by heart... you get a lot of bad dreams?"

L's expression never changed, ever so cryptic.

"Enough," he admitted quietly, "but what about you? What was your dream about?"

He nearly choked on the hot chocolate. Light's cheeks burned, a hard blush setting over his features. He scanned L, a strangely attractive man, such sharp features and large eyes. How the Hell was he supposed to answer _that_?

"Well, in my dream, I was, um, being intimate with someone I care about a lot. And then... I was Kira... and they were dying. They died while we were having sex and I all could do was watch- I was a prisoner in my own body."

Light's leg was already shaking again under the table. L listened intently, not making a single sound until Light nodded, indicating he was finished. L chewed his thumb thoughtfully. Of course this could never count as a confession, but his mind started rolling Light's information, seeing if he could figure out some way to turn it to his advantage. Light's words cut through his train of thought, pulling him back in the room. His eyes widened with how... small... Light sounded.

"L?"

"Yes, Light?"

"... I'm scared..."

L held his breath, not even daring to blink.

"What do you mean?"

Light shuddered, his grip around his cup tightening.

"What if you were right and I was Kira?" His eyes misted, "how could anyone just kill thousands of people? I-I can't be Kira. It goes against everything I believe in!" It sounded less like a defense and more like a desperate plea. Not even to L specifically, "please. I can't be Kira. I don't- I don't _want_ to be Kira."

 _It's not an act_.

 _Holy shit, it's not an act_.

He felt compelled to- to _comfort_ Light. Sliding around and next to him, L touched his hand. Small electric shocks went up and down both of their arms at the contact, the air instantly changing. L shook his head slowly.

"Light. You're a good person. The man sitting in front of me is a _good_ person."

 _Much better than me. Me, who employs any means necessary to solve a case. Just a couple of seconds ago, I was thinking about how to use your own dream against you! If I were presented with Kira's power_... L shivered. He'd like to believe he wouldn't use it, isn't that the lie everyone tells themselves? That in the heat of the moment, they'd do the right thing? L knew... he wouldn't. If he found himself with the ability to kill so freely, he'd be intrigued. A part of him was convinced he'd be corrupted by it.

He didn't blame Light.

Not for using something so incredible. Something never encountered before. The two of them were creatures of games and boredom. Doomed to always seek the next puzzle to keep their brains occupied.

Light looked at the detective, his eyes wet. L's own went sincere. A feeling he hadn't experienced in a long time.

"I swear to you. You're possibly the most amazing person I've ever met. Intelligent beyond belief, compassionate, loyal to your principles- sometimes to the point of getting on my nerves."

Light gave a weak laugh, squeezing L's fingers. They went quiet, that strange tension pulling at them again, making the air heavy and thick. L froze when Light leaned closer. Time seemed to slow, L taking in every detail of the young man's face. Every small beauty mark and hair, long eyelashes.

Soft, warm lips met L's cool ones, shocking him. L didn't know how to react at first, his stomach flipping and mind blanking. It was chaste, simple lip-to-lip contact. But it was enough to send heat under his skin, his fingers trembling. Light experimentally moved his lips along L's, both of their eyes sliding shut. Instinct took over, L wrapping his arms around Light's back, fingertips pressed against angular shoulder-blades.

The kiss made Light want to melt. L's lips were cold, but not unpleasantly so. And he tasted so sweet... his fingers found themselves tangling in L's hair, pushing them closer together. L opened his lips, inviting the other's tongue. He made a low sound, his nails digging into Light's skin, his heart racing. Light gently but firmly pulled the two of them down so the metallic floor met L's back. It sent shockwaves throughout his body, rendering any coherent thought impossible.

He needed Light more than he'd like to admit. An intellectual, an equal. Someone on his level. He needed to feel Light moving inside of him, to have that hot sweaty body press down on him, drown him out in pleasure. His finger slid under Light's shirt, skimming over his back.

Light groaned, bunching up L's own shirt, twisting the fabric harshly. L was the ultimate mystery... the ultimate dichotomy. He couldn't remember if he'd ever seen L shirtless. Would his stomach be concave, or would he have the lean muscles of a tennis-player? Any marks or would that skin be as smooth and un-disturbed as porcelain? Fragile, delicate bones, or flexible and pliant? He felt L's lean abdomen, marveling at how compact it was, strong and centered yet lanky. 

Light's eyes flew open and he backed away. L gasped, breathing heavily, the back of his head on the ground.

"A-are you okay?" L words were slurred, still on a high from the kiss.

The other swallowed thickly, scratching his neck sheepishly.

"I'm um... I've never done- y'know..."

L's eyes widened.

"You're a virgin?" He couldn't keep the surprise out of his voice. From the way he'd profiled Light, he'd been almost certain that the other had had sex. Maybe not with a man, that wasn't completely socially acceptable yet, but just... sex...

Light hissed out a breath, nodding.

"I mean, I've dated, but I've never given sex much of a thought... I didn't really consider either gender until-well," suddenly he felt ridiculous, like he was in some teen rom-com. But there was no escaping the intensity of L's gaze, "until I met you," Light breathed, "this is the first time I've ever felt... _inclined_ to have sex."

L's mouth felt dry. He knew exactly what the other was talking about. Ever since he was raped all those years ago, he'd always thought of sex as disgusting. How could anyone find _pleasure_ from rutting against someone else? But every time he looked at Light, every time their fingers brushed or Light's eyes were smoldering... he felt heat and electricity shooting through his body. Just the kiss made him feel more pleasure than he had in years. He wanted to do things with Light he'd never wanted to do before. Things he'd been traumatized out of even thinking of doing.

"What about you?" Light asked suddenly, "I-if you don't mind, are you..."

"A virgin?"

"Mhm."

L's gaze went distant. _I'm not_... his mouth fell open. He hadn't given 'virginity' much thought. It was just a social construct made to shame women in particular. But... He searched Light's wide eyes, his heart pounding so loudly that he was sure the other would hear it. His throat closed on him, guilt tearing at his mind.

"Yes," he lied, his voice a hard croak.

Light blinked, tilting his head in interest.

"Huh, first kiss?"

"This was my first," L said hastily, trying to escape the memory. The feeling of the man's tongue being shoved into his mouth, "what about you?"

Light rolled his shoulders.

"A girl when I was 14. We only dated for a month," he added in a chuckle.

L gave a weak laugh.

The two of them stayed like that, horizontal, their buzzing nerves cooling off. Finally, Light struggled to his feet, scratching at his arm.

"Thank you... f-for the hot chocolate!"

L scrabbled up, swaying unsteadily.

"Yeah," he mumbled, "no problem."

They made their way back to their room, the awkwardness hanging between them. L unhooked them, letting Light get situated while he went to the bathroom. It was already 2 in the morning. He'd been taking the pills every night now for the past week and a part of him knew it wasn't healthy, but- but the rest _was_ helping his productivity. He wasn't falling asleep in the investigation room anymore.

He took out the small bottle, staring at it. Light's question swirled in his brain. 'What about you'... he'd been robbed... he'd been robbed of his first kiss, his virginity, his parents, sleep. L stared at himself in the mirror. Even with all the dark, horrible feelings, he wasn't crying. Sometimes it felt like he didn't know how to anymore. 

He'd been robbed of it all... everything... he covered a hand to his face, his shoulders shaking.

Nothing he did with anyone would be his 'first'.

His hands trembled as he took out the normal dosage of two. He paused. He'd been having them every night, their effectiveness slowly waning. That was to be expected if he was taking them so often, but it was still frustrating. And tonight... tonight he was feeling so lousy... Exhaling shakily, he pulled a third from the bottle, popping all three in his mouth.

It felt so good. 

L sighed, a calmness sweeping over him, his lips up.


	5. Alone

They woke up on their backs staring at the ceiling, both of them quiet and thinking about the events from last night. The taste of each others' lips were still fresh in their mind. Light cleared his throat.

"So... I-I don't want things to be awkward-"

"They're not awkward," L replied hastily, "do you think it's awkward?"

"No! Nope, no awkwardness here."

"Good."

They fell silent, Light smacking his lips. L scratched his chin thoughtfully.

"But... for whatever it's worth... I enjoyed the kiss..."

"Me too," Light whispered, his gaze distant. He gave a dry snort, running his hands through long bangs. L gaped, watching the way the sunlight bounced off of his skin while he talked, "Jesus, what's wrong with us?"

"What do you mean?" Of course L knew, but he needed to hear Light say it.

"I mean, I'm-your suspect! And you-you've accused me of mass-murder! Why the Hell am I attracted to you?"

"You're attracted to me?" L murmured.

Light's eyes snapped in his direction, a teasing grin at his lips.

"I thought I made that pretty obvious last night," he chuckled.

L huffed a laugh, rolling his shoulders.

"Well, there's a difference between being attracted to someone and being attracted to their body. That must be it. None of these feeling that we're placing on ourselves are real. It's sexual frustration mixed with the fact that we are in constant close proximity."

Light's brow arched.

"You're a horrible romantic."

"Hm, that may be so. But either way... let's not confuse lust for emotions... nothing like that can happen again."

"... Agreed. Conflict of interest and all that."

L nodded a little too fast.

"Yup..."

"..."

"..."

Light stood up quickly, "I, should probably get ready."

"Oh. Yes. I should as well."

* * *

L's phone buzzed. He looked down at it and winced, the message from Watari.

**W: Is there something you want to tell me?**

**L: Like what?**

**W: Son, the kitchen has cameras too.**

L closed his eyes with a sigh. Right. Because he'd wanted every room except his own to have cameras. _Brilliant idea_ , his thoughts dripped sarcastically.

**L: Don't worry about it. We broke it off.**

Watari texted again, but L stuffed the phone into his pocket, too frustrated to talk. His fingers flew across his keyboard, pausing. One of his tips told him that politicians all over Japan were receiving bribes from Kira... L's eyes widened a fraction. _Well, this isn't good_. He subconsciously chewed a nail, mind already racing at the implication. That would mean that-

Almost right on time, Chief Yagami and Mogi entered. L bristled, forcing his eyes to stay down. Possibly the soon-to-be _ex_ -Chief... just as he expected, Soichiro explained the situation and how Kira had promised to kill any politicians.

How the police had caved in.

Of course they caved in.

A bunch of spineless, boneless cowards.

Next to him, Light's face was painted in shock. L glanced at him curiously out of the corner of his eye. _You should've guessed something like this would happen. Humans are weak, disgusting creatures, especially this new Kira. If it is Yotsuba like we suspect, then Kira doesn't care about justice anymore. He's not a vigilante now_..

Huh. So Soichiro and Mogi _were_ handing in their resignations. L tried not to feel impressed. These men truly were dedicated. L touched a thumb to his lips, curiosity eating at the edges of his brain. Would Aizawa and Matsuda make the same sacrifice? Matsuda probably would. But Aizawa...

 _Aizawa's too quiet_. L hunched his shoulders. Was he really going to lose Aizawa to the NPA's cowardice? _What will Aizawa do_? Huh, it was a bit like a game, testing Aizawa's resolve. He could tell that this man desperately wanted to solve this case, but every man has a breaking point. He didn't need to stay here... he had a family... and L had no one... how much push would it take to make Aizawa give up Kira and go back to his family? Back to a life of normalcy? His dedication to this investigation? L didn't look at them.

"If you want my opinion, you'd be better off as police officers. I was alone when I started this case. And although I'm grateful to all of you for staying with me as long as you have, I know that I can do this by myself-"

L paused, a self-assured but small smile on his thin lips.

"I'll be sure to visit you at the department and bring you Kira's head as a reward for all that you've sacrificed."

"Ryuzaki!"

 _Light_?

"As long as I'm alive, you won't be working alone."

His heart skipped a beat, mocking him. Okay, so maybe those feelings weren't going away so easily. L shuddered, a part of him... grateful... well that was a new feeling.

"Hm. Yes. With Light, I won't be alone. But the rest of you should remain police officers."

"But you said you needed help-"

"That's when the police were hoping to catch Kira," L added bitterly under his breath, "not bow down to him. Besides, there's a difference between a few civilians and police officers with resources."

That was putting it kindly. They were useless to him. But they'd want to stay, wouldn't they? A part of L was about to tell them all to just leave. He was used to being alone, had never had to consider anyone else in his investigations. Soichiro wanted them to have a decision. Predictable. But commendable. Really the only wildcard was Aizawa.

L twirled cherry stems in his mouth, his mind drifting and allowing himself to picture the little sticks as Light's tongue. He quickly caught himself, practically tearing them out of his mouth. They were all talking to each other, and L couldn't help but notice that Light looked worried. Genuinely worried... L hummed to himself in interest, catching his fingers from drifting towards Light's hand to comfort him.

Aizawa's pitch rose in volume, cracked and desperate. L stared straight ahead, honestly not sure how to feel about the situation. His computer crackled, Watari's voice coming through.

"Ryuzaki. You told me earlier in the investigation that if a task force member were to lose their job, I should make preparations to ensure that their families are secured."

 _Well damn, Watari, don't make it out like I have a heart_.

"This is not the place or time, Watari."

 _Is this because I ignored him about Light_? L glared harshly at the monitor, his grip on his knees tightening. He could feel Light's gaze burning on his neck and he wanted to disappear. Anger roiled in his stomach, but he managed to keep cool.

"I assume this was some sort of test?" Aizawa spat, "to see my commitment?"

The rest of the men started butting in, trying to put words into L's mouth. It annoyed him.

"No. That's exactly what I was doing. I wanted to see which one you would choose."

"Fine, then! If I wasn't sure before, I am now! I'm leaving! I hate Ryuzaki and his way of doing things!"

Hate. Such an interesting word. L almost laughed out loud. _Stop acting like a child. You don't know anything about hate. True hatred. The kind that take everything you are and slowly burns you away until you can't recognize yourself. Until it leaves you grieving for the person you were_. And yet... Aizawa was a good man... he cared. He wanted true justice. L wasn't sure if he could say the same. They were all better people than him. He felt a pang in his chest, suddenly wishing Aizawa wasn't leaving... 

"That's too bad, because I like you, Aizawa."

"Pfft! And I also hate how you always have to have the last word! First you insult me and then you say something like that?! I'm out of here."

_Hm. I pushed him away. What else is new?_

"...Thank you for everything."

* * *

L was curled on his side staring at the space beside him. He knew Light was awake, the darkness surrounding them suffocating. The teen's voice came out gentle, soft in a way L didn't think possible.

"I hope you know that I meant it."

"Hm?"

"When I said that as long as I'm alive, you won't be working alone."

L's throat closed on him, his fingers tingling.

"T-thank you. Your dedication to this investigation-"

"As long as I'm alive, you won't be alone," Light amended quietly.

L twisted so he was facing Light. He didn't know what to say. What to do.

"And what makes you think I'm so alone?"

Light's lips twitched, caramel eyes making L want to melt in his gaze.

"Just a feeling," he whispered, "I don't want you to ever feel alone."

L's eyes widened, his throat bobbing. No one had said anything like that to him. Usually they just stayed out of some obligation to whatever case he was working on. That's what the rest of the task force was doing. He shivered when Light gently tucked a few strands of L's hair behind his ear. L drew in a shaky breath, reaching out and experimentally touching Light's cheek. The skin was soft and warm... how could Light be so kind now when he was so clearly Kira before? He didn't give himself the time to think or become paranoid as he caught Light's lips, a silent thank you. Light sighed into his mouth, slowly wrapping his arms around L and pulling him into a tight hug. L nuzzled Light's chest, kissing it through the shirt's fabric. Light's kisses were so sweet that it was hard to believe such lips could actually exist.

They situated themselves so L was on his back, Light breathing into the crook of his neck, a strong tanned arm resting casually over L's stomach. L touched his nose to the top of Light's head, looking down at chestnut and auburn. Smiling softly to himself, L's eyes slipped shut.

Floating. Falling. Or floating? Why couldn't he ever dream? And then... his eyelids twitched.

L moaned quietly, his eyes fluttering open, his brain muddled and still sleepy. _Wha_ \- His eyes popped in horror.

Light was sitting above him, straddling him, eyes glowing red. His lips were curled in a victorious smirk. L stared at him in confusion, his heart pounding. Light slowly reached down, pressing a hand over L's heart.

L sputtered, gasping. _W-what's he doing_? He whimpered, his heart crushing, and his breath leaving him. _Heart attack, heart attack, he's giving me a heart attack_!

His eyes darted and faltered. Light was... Light was sleeping next to him... arm still over his stomach. L's eyes flashed upwards again. Towards blazing red eyes full of insanity.

 _Sleep paralysis_.

But he still couldn't stop the terror as the demon Light leaned forward, so realistic that it hurt. L let out a strangled whimper, his sobs choked.

"Hm? Ryuzaki?" Light shifted next to him, passing a hand over his face.

L still couldn't move... couldn't move, couldn't move. He stared up at those red eyes, malicious and murderous.

"I win," the apparition hissed, applying pressure to L's chest.

L gave a muffled cry.

The sound made Light scramble to a sitting position, his nostrils flaring.

"Ryuzaki? Ryuzaki, what's going on?!"

L tried to open his mouth, but it was wired shut. The demon cackled, his tone imitating Light perfectly, "And once I kill you, I'll rip those little kids at that orphanage apart. Piece by piece."

He wanted to scream. To do something. Light's face had dropped in panic, his eyes welling.

"Ryuzaki! Talk to me! What's going on!?"

Light was hyperventilating. L swallowed. _Don't panic, please don't panic! I'm fine!_ But the words didn't leave his mouth. Without thinking, Light ran for the intercoms on the wall, ready to call Watari. He yelped as the chain made him trip, crashing to the floor. Pain spread up Light's side, disorienting him. He struggled to his feet, stumbling and still looking down at the detective. The force of the pull had shifted L, but he still wasn't moving!

Grunting, Light tried pulling on the chain, but it was useless! L was just deadweight. At this point, Light's breaths was coming out in horrified wheezes, scratching for as close to the intercoms as he could pull the chain, like the little button was his lifeline.

"FUCK L TALK TO ME!"

Grabbing the sides of L's face, he checked for a pulse, even though L was making small noises. It was obvious he could breathe so- why couldn't he move?! There wasn't anything else he could do. Light covered his face, trembling, at a loss.

"HELP!" he shrieked, looking around like a lost kid, "please! Somebody help! Help!"

The sight of Light sitting on the edge of the bed screaming for help made L's heart shatter. He just wanted to hug the other, tell him he was okay!

L gasped, the Light sitting on his chest slowly disappearing. His fingers curled and he sat up as quickly as possible, enveloping Light. The teen was shaking, tears rolling down his face.

"I'm okay, see? I'm okay," L soothed, "I'm so sorry I scared you, I'm okay."

Light cried, holding his arms around L so tightly that L couldn't breathe.

"Ryuzaki!" Light sobbed, shaking his head into L's shoulder.

"Shh, it's okay."

L passed a hand over Light's back, simply listening to his cracked voice.

"I didn't know what to do! I thought- I thought you were having a heart attack! I- I felt so alone..."

That made L blink, his stomach drumming uncomfortably. Still sniffing, Light tangled his fingers in L's hair.

"I thought I was losing you," he whimpered.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry. I'm right here. It's okay..." he hesitated,

"Light, have you ever heard of sleep paralysis?"


	6. In Control

Light listened, enraptured as L described the sensations, the kind of monsters and demons he saw. He did, however, conveniently leave out that while Light was freaking out, a demonic version of the teen was simultaneously sitting on L's chest. Light touched his chin, impossibly intrigued by the phenomenon.

"Incredible," he murmured, "I assume your body becomes paralyzed because it's still in REM sleep even though your mind is awake?"

L nodded.

"My mind's not fully awake though, which results in hallucinations."

"Whoa," Light breathed, "I'd hate to have them... how do you usually avoid them?"

L rolled his shoulders. A part of him was wary of telling him, but he sighed.

"I take pills to try and keep my mind sleeping through the night. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't."

What L didn't tell him was kind of pills they were. Temazepam... prescription needed. Technically he was only supposed to use them for 1-2 weeks, but... he closed his eyes, doing a count in his brain. He'd been using the temazepam for a little over a month now, slowly increasing it because the effects weren't as strong the more he used them. At this point, he was using 4 a night... it was the first time in so long that he was sleeping through the entire night. _Although with this latest sleep paralysis, it's not enough anymore, I guess. I'll just add in one more pill a night. I won't get addicted, it's impossible. My intellect is too strong for addiction. It's all controlled_.

He wasn't one to lose control.

Light hummed in interest.

"Okay," he whispered, "is it going to happen again?"

"Probably not, but if it does, don't panic. I'll be out of it in a few minutes. Oh and... Light?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you... for worrying about me. For trying to save me when you thought I was in trouble."

Light's eyes warmed, a sight that made L's stomach flip.

They stretched back down, L exhaling shakily. In truth, he was fairly certain it wold happen again before morning. He was tempted to go get his pills. They made him feel good. Because of them, he felt normal during the day. Curling up with the blanket over his face, L sighed, his fingers flexing and his chest thudding, urging him to go get some more. Just to last the rest of the night. L gritted his teeth. _I'm not getting addicted_.

* * *

L's thoughts were cut by Matsuda rushing up to him, rambling on about being useful and how he wasn't deadweight. L didn't look up from his papers. What was the idiot rambling on about now? Deadweight? Compared to the rest of the task force, yes, but if L didn't see some value in the young officer, he wouldn't be here. Plain and simple- L blinked, the air in the room changing with a new presence. He smirked. _Finally_.

"You really want to be useful?"

"Yes!"

Oh, geez. Matsuda looked so eager, his face puppy-like. L knew it was mean, but he just couldn't resist.

"Then could you get me another cup of coffee?"-Light couldn't help snickering at that, "And for our guests as well?"

Wait, what? Light blinked, turning and noticing two perfect strangers sitting on the sofa, their backs to them. _The Hell? Who? When? How?_ Light balked.

"How did they get in?!"

The strangers stood easily, auras exuding confidence.

"I'm Aiber, I'm a conman," the blond man grinned.

The equally blonde woman adjusted her sunglasses.

"Wedy. Thief by trade."

Soichiro made a displeased sound, his face grave.

"A conman and a thief?"

"That's right. Aiber's a lifelong conman. And Wedy's a thief who specializes in security systems. As proof of that, she was able to enter the building without setting off a single alarm."

It had taken an annoyingly long amount of time to track them down with L's attention so divided. After all, surprise surprise, two criminals didn't want to actively go after someone famous for killing criminals. But like everything, he succeeded and the two of them had been dragged into the investigation having been reminded of the debts they owed to L. Finally. Maybe they could get some results now. He could tell neither Light nor Soichiro were happy at the prospect, but he honestly couldn't care less. As confusing as his feelings for Light were, he refused to let them get in the way of his investigation. His methods. However morally corrupt they might be.

"I guess we're so understaffed that we're forced to work with people like this," Soichiro grumbled under his breath.

L noticed Aiber and Wedy's faces flash in annoyance. For a second, he wondered if there'd be an altercation. It would definitely be entertaining... the former police chief vs two criminals. L's brain amused itself with images of a boxing ring, ignoring everyone else. Light swept out his arms, jerking L out of his daydream.

"Let's all work together to catch Kira!" He urged encouragingly.

L tilted his head. Hm... Light really did have a talent of rallying people together. How interesting. L cleared his throat.

"If you'll follow Watari, we've set up living arrangements in the building for both of you. Once you've settled in, we'll discuss how to further proceed with investigating the Yotsuba Group."

They hesitated, but ultimately conceded, following Watari out of the room. L held a macaroon in between his fingers, taking a delicate bite. If all went according to plan, Wedy would set up her cameras and wiretaps directly in the Yotsuba Group's meeting room. L highly doubted any one of them would confess to being Kira, but at least they'd be able to confirm once and for all whether or not they were working with him. Light tugged on the chain, saying he was hungry.

L sighed. Why did Light have to have such a healthy relationship to food? Taking care of his body, diversity in his nutrients. All over-rated. Trying not to roll his eyes, L stepped away from the investigation, but not before grabbing his laptop.

While they ate, Aiber wandered in. L tensed, nibbling on his sweet. For just a moment, he thought maybe it was a bad idea to invite Aiber... after everything the man had seen and knew. But L was fairly certain that the guy would keep his mouth shut. Aiber was good about knowing just how much information to divulge.

"Hey," Aiber greeted cheerfully, snatching an apple.

Light watched the conman curiously, obviously eager to ask questions. L snorted. _He's always hungry for knowledge_. It was kind of endearing... L grumbled in annoyance when Aiber sat the same table without asking, loudly sinking his teeth into the fruit.

"Do you mind?" L growled, bringing his laptop closer.

Aiber shrugged, giving a mischievous grin.

"Not at all," he replied cooly to L's deadly glare.

Light's brow quirked.

"How long have you two known each other?"

"Long enough," Aiber chuckled, "I don't know anything personal about him, but you should've seen him when he was a teenager. Oh, the acne!"

L shot the conman a warning glare. He hated the acne. One got so infected that they had to give him antibiotics. L was about to open his mouth to retort when Watari stopped in the doorway. L paused, a foreboding feeling in his chest.

"Ryuzaki, we must speak. Privately."

Aiber and Light exchanged a look. Trying not to glower, L undid the chain and re-did it on Aiber's wrist, linking Light to the conman. Aiber tried to protest, but L silenced him with an icy expression, following Watari down the hall and well out of earshot.

Watari hissed out a breath, tapping his fingers together and obviously searching for words. L simply stood, watching him expectantly until the older man inhaled.

"I'm concerned about you."

"Why, because you saw me kissing Light in the kitchen?"

"He's your suspect."

"Watari, calm yourself. I can control myself, as can he."

Steely blue eyes examined him, seeing into his very soul.

"This discussion can wait," Watari finally sighed, "there are more _pressing_ matters. Something that can't be postponed."

L froze, his pulse thundering in his ears. Watari shook his head gravely.

"I-... you're overusing your temazepam. I went in to clean the room and saw that it's already half-way empty. You have to be careful with that stuff."

"I am," L countered with a slight growl.

"Are you?" Watari said sharply, "it's supposed to be used _sparingly_. That little bottle is supposed to last you another four months and you've already consumed more than half in the past month."

"That many... Watari... I need you to get me more."

He faltered, staring at L incredulously. L didn't care, he kept his face level. Watari sputtered.

"Excuse me? Did you not just hear me when I said that you're overdoing it?"

"But there's been a markup in my performance! I'm not sleepy anymore when investigating with the task force and I can actually rest through the whole night. If I were to stop taking them now, there may be side effects-"

"Call it what it is. Withdrawal."

L flinched but continued, "fine. 'Withdrawal'. You know how debilitating those symptoms can be. I need to stay focused and concentrated on this case. They help me. Watari... I swear to you. Once we've caught Kira, I'll stop."

He glared, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Listen to yourself," he mumbled, "you sound like a drug-addicted teenager! I'm sorry, but I'm confiscating the rest. I won't force you to go cold-turkey, but you're not in charge of those pills anymore."

L was shocked by the shiver of panic that went up his chest.

"B-but the recommended dosage isn't working!" His voice rose an octave, "Watari! I need them if I'm to maintain some sort of sleep schedule. _You know how bad my insomnia gets_!"

"I will help you with your insomnia," he answered firmly, "but the pills are under my jurisdiction now. How do you know they're not actually making your sleep paralysis worse?"

L clamped his jaw. It was always a possibility. But-no! They were _helping_ him! How could Watari just make assumptions about something that was helping him? Still. L didn't answer.

With that, Watari turned on his heels. Was L shaking? Why was he shaking? Why did he feel so scared? Why was there a notable tremble in his fingers? Watari couldn't do this to him! How couldn't the old man see that he had it perfectly under control?! L's lungs heaved, hyperventilation threatening to take over. He didn't want any more sleep paralysis! He liked being able to keep his eyes closed for up to four hours!

L was barely aware of his feet taking him to Wedy's room and his knuckles gently knocking. She opened it, looking down at him curiously. Without her sunglasses, her eyes were a bright hazel, beautiful and distinct. Too distinct for a thief, maybe that's why she wore the shades... L inhaled deeply.

"I have a mission for you."

"Hm?"

"I need you to steal Temazepam whenever I need you to."

"Wha-"

"It's for a case," L added hastily, his palms sweating in his pockets, "you don't need to know the details."

Wedy stared at him, her gaze cryptic. She was used to not being told the details of cases, and it wasn't even out of the ordinary for L to tell her to steal drugs for samples and analysis. Although this request was a tad strange, she nodded.

"Uh, yeah. They're prescription, but stealing them would be child's play. You need me to steal some soon?"

"Yes, please. Thank you, Wedy."

* * *

L didn't say anything when he picked up Light from Aiber, guilt pecking at his guts. Watari only had his best interest at heart. He knew that. But... shouldn't Watari also trust him?

 _Then again, I did just ask an international thief to steal me drugs so_ , L snorted wryly.

He unlocked the chain once they reached their room. Light opened his mouth, looking like he wanted to say something, but L was already moving for the bathroom. He made sure to lock the door behind him, slumping in front of the toilet. He never had a problem with lying before, but this... it felt wrong, somehow. Watari was making it sound like he had a problem when he didn't! L reached a finger, into his mouth, gagging.

L coughed, nose wrinkling when he realized that he hadn't eaten enough for genuine vomit, but more so for bile. He spit it out, swaying. Wiping at his mouth and going to brush his teeth, he shivered, remembering that Watari had the pills and Wedy wouldn't be able to give him some until tomorrow. _I'm going to have sleep paralysis. I'm going to be scared and have nightmares and_ -

He did.

His eyes popped, the feeling of snakes slithering slowly up his skin. L whined, wishing he could thrash. Wishing he had control over his own body. He gurgled, his sounds choked and quiet. They were wrapping around him, constricting. He was sure that at any second, long fangs would sink themselves into his skin- he let out a pathetic sound, crying softly.

A hand wrapped around him and for a second, L thought it was part of his episode. But his brow furrowed, realizing it was real. Corporeal. Grounding. As soon as he felt it, the snakes loosened, already beginning to slither away. Light's voice was tender, his breath tickling L's ear.

"It's okay," he said gently, "you're safe. I'm right here... you're safe."

L whimpered, not caring in the second that he looked undignified. He just wanted to feel Light holding him. Almost as if reading his mind, Light hugged him more tightly, holding L's ear to his chest.

The episode slowly but surely melted away. L craned his neck, locking gazes with Light. He opened his mouth, but found that he didn't have any words. Light... he'd made the episode better. For the first time in so long, it didn't feel like L was dealing with the sleep paralysis by himself. The way that Light was watching him... it was so fond and new. So new. L knew that no one had ever looked at him that way before. He'd never looked at anyone this way before.

"Thank you," he breathed.

He wanted to see every inch of Light... he wanted to _be_ seen. The teen's pupils dilated, but he stayed still, as if one move would shatter the moment. L's heart strained, his genius mind perplexed. _Why? Why do you care about me? There's nothing about me. I'm nothing_.

He stiffened when Light slowly tangled his fingers through his hair, watching the messy locks fall through his digits in awe. L's throat bobbed. This was wrong... illogical. L was a creature of reason. If there was none, he didn't do it. Experiencing these odd feelings for Light- no, Kira- would surely lead to his downfall.

And yet, L couldn't make himself care.

He found himself leaning into Light's hand, softly nuzzling the palm. Light's grip on his scalp tightened, almost enough to hurt, but not quite. L pressed his lips to the other's warm, sun-kissed palm, a fire running under his skin. Light's eyes widened, is breathing quickening. More fingers found their way framing L's face, passing over his jawline. Cupping L's face, Light pulled him into a slow kiss, lips and tongue tasting like honey. Oh, God, and the way Light's tongue passed over the inside of his cheek, skimming over his teeth and dancing with his tongue... L gasped, gripping Light's arm.

This was wrong. They shouldn't be doing this...

 _Fuck it_.


	7. Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That past rape tag comes into play here.

The night covered them like a blanket, and in the heat of the kiss, L could almost forget about the snakes that had been slithering up his body only a few minutes ago.

They nipped at each others' lips, the air heavy and thick around them. L threw his head back, a deep moan vibrating through his throat. Light huffed out a small laugh. He would never have imagined that L's moan could be so luscious and perfectly... lewd... it made Light's skin hum with adrenaline. Light pulled harshly at L's shirt, tugging it over the detective's head. He was greeted with an impossibly thin body. A paradox. It should've looked unhealthy and sickly, maybe with ribs showing, but Light never got that impression. It was just... beautiful... L was. Large grey eyes set in eye-bags so dark that they looked like makeup, messy black hair that framed his face and spilled over his shoulders. His pale skin practically blended the bedsheets, soft and delicate like porcelain. 

L's nostrils flared, his pupils dilating. He helped Light with his shirt, biting his lip at the perk abs, lean yet fit. Silky brown hair hanging just above striking eyes... L passed a finger over Light's chiseled jawbone in awe. How could a man be so naturally attractive and intelligent? His body was the very definition of a sculpted body. All of him... his knees wobbled and he slowly shifted himself, his mouth hovering over Light's hips. He looked up at the other with hooded eyes.

Light's heart jumped, his fingers pulsing. The fact that what they were doing was so wrong and dangerous just made adrenaline seep through his limbs. His fingers were unsteady as he undid the string, pushing his pants down. L stared at the bulge in the other's underwear, his breathing warm. Holding his breath, he swayed forward, revealing the other's member agonizingly slowly. Light whined pleadingly, but L went at his own pace, his tongue flicking over the head, wet over Light's slit. Light dug his fingers into L's scalp, letting out incoherent pleas.

"Ryuzaki..."

Grinning satisfactorily, L parted his lips, sinking the member deeper into his throat. Light pulled at ebony locks, his hips bucking. L dragged his nails down Light's hips, stinging harshly and leaving long red lines, not hard enough to draw blood. Light got the message and stilled, moaning and begging with each slow, deliberate movement and curl from L's mouth.

"I-I need to-"

L bobbed his head, indicating it was okay to thrust. Light rolled his hips, head tipping back in pleasure. L's throat contracted around him, sucking him in deeper. It was a hot cavern, tight flesh around his member. Light groaned, his thrusts coming faster and harder. Beads of precome dribbled from Light, dripping down L's lips and chin. L's fingers dug into Light's skin, silently urging him to go faster. Light did, losing himself in a desperate rut as he fucked L's mouth, yelling and growling.

"Fuck! Oh, God Ryuzaki! _Shit_!"

L struggled to breathe, huffing out of his nose. He hallowed his cheeks, setting Light off the edge. Light spasmed, a guttural scream tearing through his throat as he came, pushing the back of L's head closer to his hips, coming and coming in the other's mouth. L swallowed eagerly, his fingers unsteady. He was flushed, his entire body itching and aching with pleasure. L sighed, pressing faux-innocent kisses to Light's head. Light's lips tugged up amusedly at the sweetness. L slowly crawled up, his body swaying enticingly and their lips inches apart.

Twisting them both around, Light pushed L to the bed, straddling him. L was sweating, his hair sticking to his skin and the air humid and suffocating, but he loved it. He wanted to drown in the smell of come and sweat. Looking up at Light sitting above him, his toes went numb with desire, his pulse pounding and making thought impossible. Light's fingers snaked towards L's entrance. It was a strange feeling, the digit carefully pushing inside and running along L's walls. Clawing at Light's back, L mewled his encouragement, sinking his teeth into sweet skin and squeezing his eyes.

Light's brow furrowed ever so slightly. What were all these ridges? He'd never... stretched... a man before. Had never felt inside one, so a piece of him wrote it off. He probably had the same ridges as well but had never known. Inserting another finger, he took in L's sounds, the noises making his muscles tense readily. Light's ears roared, drowning out the world. Fuck, he needed to sink into that-

Light settled on top, his cock's tip poking at L's entrance. His grip on the detective's arms tightened, his blood pulsing excitedly. He was about to enter, when he paused.

L was... L was shaking? Light looked down to see L's eyes closed, his body rattling and his teeth chattering. He'd stopped moaning. In fact... he wasn't making a single sound at all... scared... L was scared... Light jumped up as if he'd been electrocuted, his eyes wide. L was- he was terrified... L shivered, wrapping his arms around his torso and slowly opening his eyes.

"Why'd you stop?"

"Are you okay?"

L stared at him.

"Of course I am."

"... You don't look okay..."

L's eyes misted, his entire body still trembling. He shook his head stubbornly.

"I'm ready."

"Well I'm not," Light said defiantly, his gaze consuming.

Throwing his head on the pillow, L hissed out a breath, a tear forcing it's way down the side of his face. He quickly clawed at it, his teeth gritted. 

"I have, um-" he breathed out, his voice wavering, "I-I have... sc... scarring. I was just worried about it- bleeding. That's all. I'm fine. Please don't stop."

"Scarring?"

Light's eyes widened in realization. Those ridges he felt... he'd never felt a man so intimately before, he didn't know what those were... but... his breath caught.

"Oh, God, L, I'm so sorry."

"I don't want your pity!" L snapped, cursing at how harsh it came out when Light flinched, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Light gaped, watching the way L held himself and continued to shiver. The detective curled in on himself, going so quiet that Light almost thought he might've fallen asleep.

It felt weird being touched so intimately for L. The memories hit him like a train. They weren't clear every single day. Sometimes his mind would just remind itself that it happened or somedays he wouldn't think about it at all. But feeling Light's fingers slowly rubbing him, passing over the scars, the memories were so vivid that L couldn't breathe. Couldn't move or think. Even now, curled up and staring at the pillow, L's body felt frozen. Why was his body always so immobile? What was _wrong_ with him?

"Come here," Light whispered.

L's eyes darted.

"What-"

"Just let me hug you."

L stiffened, still uncomfortably quiet when Light settled next to him, wrapping toned arms around his pale, thin frame. Light silently pressed his lips to L's nape, nuzzling the top of his hair. L shuddered, the feeling foreign.

He found himself leaning into Light, his heart racing. Slowly, the tremors devolved until L released a breath, burying his nose into Light's arm, inhaling the other's scent.

"You're safe," Light whispered gently, "you're okay."

L nodded numbly, drawing patterns with his fingers over Light's elbow.

"I know... that was just... it was..."

L gasped, unable to stop it as he let out a soft whimper.

"It was nothing," he insisted, more so trying to convince himself.

"Ryuzaki..."

"I can't tell you. You're Kira, you're Kira, you're Kira-"

"You don't have to tell me," but Light knew that L wasn't in the room with him. Trapped in his own brain, his body shriveled and twitching.

"I was eight. Eight, eight, eight, eight-," L nervously bit down on his fingers, drawing blood, but he kept gnawing on them, "I begged them to stop so many times and they wouldn't. They woul-"

He pitched forward, his body heaving. Light ran a hand down L's back, feeling along the grooves of the spine, mumbling soothing things and sweet little words that only seemed to make L breathe harder.

"There was so much blood," L gasped, unable to breathe, all the memories threatening to grab and drag him under, "dead eyes. M-Mommy's dead- M-Mommy-"

Light's eyes flashed in alarm.

"Ryuzaki?"

"Daddy's screaming... he's..."

"Ryuzaki!"

"They hurt me... I never understood why they wanted to hurt me-. They all hurt me. They hurt me."

L let out a gut-wrenching sob, grieving the childhood he'd lost. Sometimes when he concentrated really hard, he could look past the horrors, at sweet summers with his parents and going to the theaters with his friends, eating ice cream, climbing over the rocks in the park... He buried his face in the pillow, muffling his wail.

"Why did they all want to hurt me? Every single- it never stopped. Oh, God, it never-"

By all accounts, L shouldn't have such a large section in Light's heart, but seeing him cry... it felt like Light's insides were being shredded. All he wanted to do was wrap him up and protect L from everything. _If I had Kira's power, I'd kill every single one of them_. Light stiffened, his eyes wide. Whoa... the thought made him shrink. He was shocked at the deep murderous anger in his chest, buzzing and dark. Light looked down at his hands, his heart racing. He swallowed, moving his hands out of his sight. 

L covered his face, disgusted at himself. How could he show such weakness? And yet... the tears wouldn't stop, streaming uncontrollably down his cheeks and staining the pillow. A shower. He needed a shower. Years later and he still felt dirty. L sobbed, gripping and pulling his hair, a part of him looking for pain. Light softly touched his wrists, beckoning them to wrap around Light's body instead. Golden arms draped over L's sides, a comforting blanket. Fuck, it wasn't stopping. L had never felt so simultaneously pathetic and safe in his entire life.

His breathing came in high-pitched gasps, strangled chokes. But he was calming down. Light gave a kind smile that sent L's mind reeling.

"We can do whatever you want. Desserts and a movie? C-chess?"

L squeezed his eyes regretfully.

"You're pitying me," he grumbled bitterly.

"What? No..."

"I don't want your pity-"

"I swear I'm not pitying you. Ryuzaki, look at me."

L twisted his neck to see honest brown eyes, set seriously.

"Ryuzaki. I. Am not. Pitying you. I'm giving you options. Do you want to top, bottom or just not do this? Options. Not pity." Light's lips twitched, "if you want to bottom, I'll fuck you to tomorrow," he added with a deep purr. But he knew that L wouldn't want to do anything tonight. And that was fine with Light.

L swallowed, smirking at that.

"I'm sure you'd love that," he quipped.

Swatting playfully at Light's arm, they both chuckled, a much-needed levity. L traced his finger along the inside of Light's arm, his limbs exhausted from the sudden rush.

"You know what's the most fucked up part?" His voice was a low hush.

Light blinked curiously. The detective sighed heavily.

"It happened when I was eight, but... I caught the bastard only three years ago. I had him sentenced to death. He was strapped down, the injection ready. With my connections, I was able to... to step into the room before they proceeded with the execution. You want to know what was the first thing he said to me?"

"You... talked to him?" Light wasn't sure if he was astonished or sad. Maybe a combination of both.

L nodded, softly running the pads of his fingers along Light's knuckles, his eyes lost.

"I stepped into that room, and it was like I was a kid all over again... I was so angry, ready for him to beg for mercy and I'd be cold and strike unimaginable fear in his heart. That was the fantasy, at least.

When he saw me, he asked 'who are you?'

He didn't remember me. It was definitely him. As if my memory wasn't good enough, DNA proved it was... and yet... he didn't recognize me. Not even when I shoved a younger picture of myself in his face. Not when I showed one of my parents. His eyes narrowed and he said that I looked vaguely familiar... Vaguely familiar... I pressed it in his face, screaming for him to remember... he laughed and asked if it was a good fuck. What kind of a joke-"

They both went quiet, the apartment silent and large. L shrank.

"He changed me forever. I became an entirely new person, lost my childhood, developed so many fucking disorders and to him... it'd all been drunk fun... not even worth it to remember me."

Light didn't even realize he was crying until he was sniffing. L tenderly wiped the tear away, long, cool digit lingering on warm skin.

"You know I lie about many things... but I am sorry that I lied about my first kiss, and my virginity..."

"Jesus Christ, I don't actually care about that shit!"

Before L could register what was happening, Light was back to hugging him, nuzzling his neck. L shuddered, pressing into the embrace. He couldn't remember the last time he let someone hold him so closely. It left his heart thundering so loudly that he was shocked Light couldn't hear it. Something swelled in his chest, a deep feeling as he tucked himself into Light's body, enjoying the breath on the back of his neck, gorgeous hands sliding comfortingly up and down his sides. Light kissed the shell of his ear.

"If you ever need help... please... Ryuzaki, please tell me. I'm begging you to _please_ tell me."

"I will," he breathed.

They stayed like that, listening to the start of a drizzling rain landing lightly on the window, the darkness encompassing and wrapping around L wholly. A serene smile crossed his lips. Maybe that was secretly the moment that L fell in love with Light. When he realized that there was someone who would be in his corner, giving him loving kisses and wrapping strong arms around his center. L was so sleepy that his next thought didn't even register to his consciousness...

 _I don't know what I'd do if I lost you_.


	8. Sweet Procrastination

Sunlight sliced against L's eyelids. He shifted in annoyance, Light's arm slipping from his side. Oh, right... spikes of embarrassment flashed in his chest. He wasn't sure if he'd ever melted down like that in front of anyone. Maybe Watari, but, the last time he cried over that night was so long ago. 

His eyes fluttered open, glaring at the clock across the room. They were running late... the task force would arrive in 10 minutes. But his body felt sluggish and slow, and Light was right there, naked skin flush and pressing against L's own. L tilted his nose down, inhaling the scent from Light's arm. Like pine mixed together with something sweet. L swallowed, his fingers subtly dancing to his hips. He'd wanted it... he'd wanted Light so badly... He was sure Light would scold him when he woke up, but L didn't shift, just staring as the clock ticked down. He didn't want to move. This moment here was so perfect, the morning air fresh and clear. Too perfect to worry about Kira.

Light moved and L closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep. He heard Light yawn, then mumble under his breath about how it was late. L's fingers clenched fearfully. He waited for Light to shake his arm, to gently tell him that it was time to get up.

But it never came.

Sighing, Light stretched back down, burying his face into L's hair and pulling his arm tighter across L's torso. In a few seconds, the younger man let out a gentle snore.

L smiled, his own eyes going shut.

They must've slept for another hour before L woke up again, sighing regretfully. Alright, in all seriousness, they had to get up. Twisting around so he was facing Light, his heart twisted seeing those handsome features sleeping, long lashes set to a chiseled face. He gently touched Light's cheek, making the other's eyes scrunch and eventually open. A tender smile quirked up Light's lips.

"Hey," he mumbled sleepily.

"Good morning," L greeted, running his long fingers down Light's jaw, "we have to get up."

"Do we?" Light groaned, passing his fingers through L's hair, "how are you feeling?"

"... Good... refreshed... Thank you. For listening and-" L nuzzled Light's hand, hoping Light simply understood that action. He did, dropping the topic and allowing himself to just enjoy the morning.

L touched Light's lip with his thumb, wanting to feel Light's hot breath and soft skin. Light grinned, pulling L's head closer and slowly kissing him, working his tongue through the other's mouth, passing it over the inside of L's cheeks and around his teeth. L moaned, framing the other's face. His shoulders tilted so he was pressing himself against Light, feeling the toned muscles and unblemished skin.

Light wrapped his arms around L's torso, his lips moving to the detective's neck, pausing for encouragement before carefully nibbling on the skin. L threw back his head, trying to push the area closer to Light's mouth. 

"Light," he rasped, sliding his hand up the back of Light's scalp.

Every small suck and lick left L shivering and pleading, his mouth gaping in pleasure. The fire under his skin was burning hot, screaming in disappointment when Light moved away, eyes meeting L's.

"Is- is it okay if I- um... leave a hickey?"

L stared at him, face flushed. He blinked, snorting. Light's gaze flashed in confusion as L covered his mouth, trying to stop himself from laughing. He couldn't even pinpoint what was making him so giggly, maybe it was how nervous Light asked the question, or how they'd already done so much more together, L's cheeks burned remembering Light's cock slamming into his mouth, but he smiled. A genuine smile that left Light reeling.

"Yes," he affirmed, eyes twinkling, "you may."

Light searched the other's face, his chest swelling. L's smiles were so beautiful... they made his reflective grey eyes shine, brought color to his pallid cheeks. Burying his face in L's shoulder where it'd be easier to hide, Light sucked on the skin, drinking in L's heavy groans. L arched, letting out high lewd sounds. Eventually, Light pulled back, lapping at the mark. It was so stark against the paper-white skin... L's brow quirked, his gaze dancing mischievously.

"We are insanely late," he whispered, beaming.

Light rested his head back on the pillow. He had to suppose L was feeling better, but this little bubble...

"Are you sure we can't stay a little while longer? You do own the building after all."

L chuckled, placing his sharp chin on Light's chest. Light bit at his lip. Breath-taking.

"The longer you stall, the more your Kira percentage rises," L teased.

Rolling his eyes, Light mindlessly stroked L's scalp, huffing a laugh.

"Does that percentage actually mean anything?"

L gave a cryptic smile, catching Light's lips again. The taste of honey and sweetness... he needed it... no pastry or candy could compare with it. Light tugged him so they were laying against each other, limbs tangled yet never breaking the kiss. L pressed his forehead against Light's. In the morning glow, Light's hair changed a multitude of highlights. Caramel brown, chestnut, honey.

Light himself never imagined L's hair was anything but pitch black, but hanging around his features in the direct sun, he could identify different brown highlights.

L chuckled, twirling a strand of Light's hair, "I suppose we could stay here for a little while longer."

Light's stomach flipped pleasantly.

By the time they were trudging down, it was almost noon.

The task force glanced at them in annoyance, but they knew better than to push L. Swinging into his chair and trying not to hum, L looked at the task force.

"Well? Let's get to work."

* * *

"Ryuzaki, Eraldo Coil has just been hired to find L's identity."

The task force looked over, their faces flashing in alarm. L's fork hung off of his lips, the cake coating his tastebuds. Huh, so the Yotsuba group wanted to kill him? _Evidently, there's a line_. All around him, the task force was groaning and lamenting this new detective. This new threat. L considered keeping them in the dark just for the sake of entertainment, but he sighed. No, that was too mean. Ugh, maybe Light's new 'goodness' was rubbing off on him. He shoved another piece of cake into his mouth in frustration.

"Mm, it's quite alright. The detective known as Eraldo Coil is actually me. L, Coil and Deneauve... the three greatest detectives the world are me. If someone wishes to locate me, I find they usually fall for this tactic."

L gave Mogi a sideways glance, trying to squash a smirk, "I'll give you this strawberry if you keep it a secret, okay?"

He enjoyed his drier sense of humor, albeit not for everyone. But he was genuinely surprised when Mogi not only took the strawberry, but stuffed it into his pocket. _Hey, whatever makes you happy_. Light's smile was impossibly charming, making it much too difficult for L to focus on the screen in front of him.

"I'm impressed as always, Ryuzaki."

L tried to ignore the flash of heat that went up his neck at the compliment. He shifted, fighting to urge to pass his fingers over the hickey on his shoulder.

Aiber gave an easy smirk.

"Alright, I just have to get close to him, right? Leave it to me."

Smoke curled up from Wedy's cigarette, her shades concealing her emotions, but if L had to guess, she sounded bored.

"And you want me to make sure we're able to breach the security and override the surveillance cameras in the Yotsuba Group's head office? Is that all?"

"Yes. At this point, it's safe to assume that Kira and the Yotsuba Group are connected in some way-" _in fact, I'm certain of it,_ "we're going to investigate Yotsuba to determine who holds Kira's power and how many. We need a clear understanding quickly."

It was a simple plan, but effective.

Only an idiot could mess it all up.

"Please be sure not to act impulsively out of panic and don't take matters into your own hands-" _wait a second. Fuck, where's Matsuda_?

"Ryuzaki!"

L's head swiveled towards the monitor, "yes, Watari, what is it?"

"I have just received an emergency signal from Matsuda's belt."

 _And there it is_.

"Oh, where is he?"

"It seems... that it's coming from the head office of the Yotsuba Group."

 _Of course. Nothing can ever go as **planned,** God forbid that!_ L deflated with a sigh.

"Disregard everything I said. We'll have to rethink our strategy... _Matsuda, you **idiot**!_"

Swiveling in his chair, L held out a frustrated hand.

"Someone get me a phone."

The second the phone was in his hand, L dialed.

"H-hello?"

Alright, L called this his 'dumb as rocks' voice. The second he slipped it on, Light's widened, his face obviously wanting to crack in uproarious laughter. L bit his lip, tilting his head upwards to make the action more dramatic.

"Yo, Matsui! It's me, Asahi! It's been a while, Buddy!" L was very much aware of the teasing amusement sparkling in Light's eyes.

"Ha, ha! Asahi! It's been a long time!"

"Hehe, it doesn't sound like you're out right now, don't tell me you're home already. So you by yourself?"

"Yeah, I'm by myself!"

L translated for the rest, his grip on the phone tightening. Not only did the idiot get himself caught, but he left Misa Amane, the suspected (proven) Second Kira _alone_?

"So do you wanna like, go out drinking tonight?"

"Huh? Right now? Oh, uh, sorry. I'll have to pass tonight."

"Aw, what's the matter? Don't tell me your wallet is in trouble again?"

"Yeah, haha! Big trouble! With money! You know me way too well," _well he's not getting an Oscar anytime soon_.

"He says he's in big trouble," L murmured.

Any hints of amusement were gone from Light's face as he nodded seriously, intelligent mind already working at the problem.

"Aw that's too bad. I guess I'll drag you out some other time, alright? See ya, Buddy!"

 _Ugh. This is bad, this is very, incredibly bad_.

"What are you planning on doing, Ryuzaki?" Soichiro asked.

 _Me? Were you not this guy's boss a week ago?_ L swirled a thumb around his lips.

"We have to consider that if Matsuda dies, our suspicions of the Yotsuba Group would be confirmed."

They all made displeased noises. Out of the corner of his eye, L saw Light's jaw clamped and tense, ready to argue. _Geez, relax. I was only kidding... mostly_.

"Let's just watch the situation for now."

When Misa called back, L's brain started formulating ideas. Anything to be able to escape her high-pitched noises. How could they possibly save Matsuda? His gaze darkened with a plan, not fully realized or plausible, but enough to try.

Matsuda called from the bathroom, confirming that the Yotsuba Group was using Kira. He'd overheard a business meeting to decide who they were going to kill. L sighed. _Well you didn't need to go almost kill yourself to find that out! Okay, okay... there's still a chance_. This was good, though... confirmation. Now if only they could get Matsuda alive, they'd have a testimony! Oh, and Matsuda would be alive. L reminded himself quickly that that was important too. Standing, L explained his plan, the others in the room listening intently, their eyes widening.

"That plan's insane," Light murmured.

"It is, and we don't have a lot of time. Come, Light."

Watari was quick about fetching their disguises. L swallowed, trying not let his eyes drift when Light slipped off his shirt and pants, tugging on the paramedic outfit. Light's own eyes slid in L's direction, stealing a peak of the detective struggling to get the shirt on, twisting and moving his lean abs in frustration. He quickly adverted his gaze when L finished and started looking for the little hat.

By the time he managed to get the paramedic outfit on, Light was chuckling airily, covering his mouth. L smoothed long fingers over the material, realizing how ridiculous he looked.

L's lips twitched ruefully.

"We're a bit short-staffed," he explained in a grumble, his pale face a bright red.

Light waved a hand, helping the other to adjust his collar. Smooth hands brushed L's neck and he shivered, his veins running warm.

"I think it looks cute on you," Light quipped, wiggling an eyebrow.

L rolled his eyes. He didn't want to say or admit it, but somehow Light managed to pull off a paramedic's uniform. He briefly wondered if there was anything the teen would actually look _bad_ in.

"The bags under your eyes are getting better," Light noted softly.

The detective touched a finger to his face consciously. The sleep paralysis was still terrifying, but... he hadn't really had nightmares lately. His breath caught when Light leaned down, his lips angling for L's. Clearing his throat, L subtly shook his head.

"Cameras," he whispered with a snort, "Watari got a very interesting show from the kitchen."

Light's face fell, mortified.

"You're kidding. C-can he hear us now?"

"Hm, I wish I was," L answered breezily, trying not to smile at how the blood had absolutely _drained_ from Light's features. "No, the bugs are placed more strategically."

Still. Light pursed his lips, fighting the urge to tear everything apart looking for the tiny cameras. L's eyes sparked impishly. 

"If we somehow miraculously save Matsuda, I'll give you that kiss," he growled huskily, already wanting to take Light's mouth.

Light's gaze lidded, swaying on his feet.

"Well, then I guess we better save this idiot."


	9. Because It's You

L grunted under the weight of helping to carry Aiber. _Goddamnit, I need to join a gym or something_. No doubt that Matsuda had landed on the mattress and was safe. As soon as the thought crossed L's mind, Wedy texted him, confirming it. 

Aiber slipped off his black wig, smirking.

"That was a pretty good performance if I do say so myself."

L snorted unamusedly.

"You played Matsuda. A dead Matsuda, at that. A literal ballon could play that air-head."

Light covered his mouth to stop from laughing loudly. Aiber leaned back against the bed, shaking his head.

"Eh, light up, Ryuzaki. The kid was just trying to help."

L pursed his lips, not allowing himself to answer him.

* * *

"Ryuzaki, I-"

"You're lucky that I don't throw you out of my investigation," L said sharply.

Soichiro held up a diplomatic hand.

"Ryuzaki, he did find out that the Yotsuba Group is working with Kira-"

"Hence the only reason why he's still in my investigation," L replied, his voice frigid and biting.

No one responded. Matsuda opened and closed his mouth worriedly, shuffling his feet like a scolded child. Of course L understood _why_ Matsuda did it, but that didn't excuse the fact that he'd scattered his plans. Made an easy monitoring situation into something more complicated. Grumbling to himself, L massaged the bridge of his nose, glancing at Aiber.

"Contact the Yotsuba Group as Eraldo Coil. Let's try to get on the inside while Wedy researches their security. Ask for money. A lot of it. Enough to make them believe you have information worth that amount. Maybe we can salvage the situation."

Matsuda flinched, looking like he still wanted to make things right. Ignoring the young investigator, L stalked towards the kitchens, his body aching for something with sugar. Something sweet and placating. As he started walking, he noticed Wedy standing in the doorway, staring at him meaningfully. L froze, his eyes flashing in Light's direction.

"It's been a while since you've spent time with your father," he murmured.

Light's brow furrowed, suspicion sparking behind his gaze. L hissed out a breath as Light crossed his arms.

"I guess it has been a while?" He said slowly, closely watching L's reactions.

Careful to keep a cool face, L motioned towards Soichiro, attaching his end of the handcuff to the former chief's wrist. Soichiro didn't have the same cautious curiosity that Light did, just assuming that L recognized the importance of a father and son spending time together. Light watched after L, touching his chin in interest.

L walked casually yet with a purpose, sighing when he 'dropped' his pen next to Wedy's foot. Her voice lowered.

"2nd panel, roof."

Hm.

It was pitch black outside, clouds heavy in the sky. L's eyes scanned up and down the row of solar panels, tilting upwards towards the sky. Just as Wedy promised, there was a small brown bag tucked inconspicuously beneath the 2nd panel. L pulled out the little bottle, turning it in his hand. He was surprised by the shiver of excitement and relief that went up his spine. It'd already been a couple of days since he'd had one. Trying not to think about it, he stuffed the pills into his pocket, moving to the edge and looking out over the city. He didn't even realize that his fingers were running along the bottle's length, fiddling with the cap, as if his fingers had missed it on their own.

L closed his eyes, inhaling deeply.

The door opened and he stiffened, his chest constricting. Watari wandered out, his neck craned towards the sky, steely eyes soft. L swallowed the guilt, squeezing on the bottle. He didn't say anything, tilting his head down. He had to do it. Watari didn't understand why he needed the pills. Why couldn't he see that L was strong? Too strong for addiction.

"It's a beautiful night," Watari mumbled.

"It is," L conceded, "... it reminds me of the observatory at Wammy's."

Watari huffed a laugh.

"Wow, you used to love that place..."

He gave L a knowing look, sending L's insides twisting.

"Speaking of which, I've been considering putting cameras on the roof. We don't want any blindspot, it seems like a lot of people come back and forth here... like Wedy."

They held each others' gazes, a tenseness between them. L rubbed the bottle in his pocket. _He knows._ He was careful about keeping his face neutral.

"That's quite alright," L waved an unconcerned hand, "I don't believe the roof is an essential area."

Watari's eyes hardened in disbelief and a twinge of fear. He didn't say anything for the longest time, simply looking out over the city. L turned his eyes downwards, avoiding his guardian.

"L... you've made so much progress. More than I honestly thought you would... I never told you this, but when I first saw you... I worried that you were too far gone."

L hunched his shoulders, wrapping his arms around himself protectively. It wasn't an unreasonable assumption when they first met. Watari looked at him.

"But I was wrong. It may not feel like it... but you've healed so much. If you could see the difference between the child you were when we met and the man you've become, you'd be shocked. I just wanted you to know that I'm proud of you."

"Hm." _Shut up, please be quiet_.

"Don't throw away your progress."

More guilt.

 _Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up_.

"I won't," but it felt like an empty promise.

A lie. Why was L so good at those? Watari was silent for what felt like ages. Holding onto the bottle tightly, L lurched away, the conversation a heavy weight in his chest. He heard Watari audibly sigh behind him, but he didn't afford the luxury of looking back. Both of them knew that if L wanted his temazepam, he'd find a way. This wasn't something Watari could stop or prevent.

Light instantly noticed the detective was downtrodden when L collected him, trudging to their room.

They stretched out on the bed, exhausted from the day's events. L unhooked the chain.

"I'll be right back," he sighed, going for the bathroom.

"Why do you always do that?"

"Hm?"

"Almost every night. You unhook us for about 10 minutes. You're always so adamant about not leaving me alone at any other time."

L visibly rolled his eyes, crossing his arms.

"Maybe I need privacy too."

Before Light could ask anymore questions, add to this building guilt, L slipped into the bathroom, his knees buckling. He slid to the floor, pulling out the bottle and staring at all the pills. So many... L hesitated. Maybe Watari was right. It was probably best not to overdo it. But he stared at them, his fingers clenching nervously. But then again... the helped him sleep! And he needed at least a semi-normal sleep schedule if he was to be at full mental capacity.

 _Watari's overreacting_. L tossed some into his mouth, splashing some water to swallow them down. He leaned back, sighing in relief. When he wandered back out, Light was in a sitting position, lazily reading. He glanced over, his brow quirked when L started humming. L felt light on his feet. He giggled. Heh, _light_ on his feet. Hm, maybe he'd taken more pills than his body had gotten used to. Sauntering over to Light, he sang a little louder, wrapping his arms around the teen's shoulders.

Light tilted his head, mouth hanging open in awe, a multitude of questions running through his head. Who knew L had such a beautiful voice? Deep and luscious? He knew for a fact that the detective wasn't drunk, so... what was going on? _His sleeping pills? Ryuzaki mentioned something about taking those, didn't he_?

" _When I go to sleep at night. Eight-legged dreams arise. Cobwebs in my eyes. Never, never gonna wake up_."

At that Light's brow furrowed, sadness battling in his mind. He wanted to be there for the detective... L swayed, sitting in Light's lap. Light swallowed. Even though they were separated by two pairs of pants and the bedsheets, it still felt so close. He wanted to slide his hands up L's back, and kiss those thin lips. L's forehead pressed to Light's as he kept singing.

" _Stuck in a web of lies. Paralyzed like a fly. Spiders don't sleep at night. Never, never gonna wake up."_ L shuddered, his eyes going distant, _"Never, never gonna wake up._ "

"Sounds scary," Light noted quietly. L laughed softly, touching Light's cheek.

" _You were gonna say, my mind is a place where fears are raised. And my mind plays tricks, it turns and twists. It bends what I see_."

L slowly went quiet, still straddling Light. Light blinked, his pulse racing. So close, the position so intimate. Blinking, the detective's fingers slid from Light's cheek to his chin.

"I'm not some helpless little bird," he insisted lowly.

"I never said you were."

"I want you, Light."

"Why?"

"Hm?"

Light tangled his fingers in L's hair, earning him a needy whine from the detective. L ground his hips down, making Light freeze, pleasure instantly flaring up his body. L leaned forward, draping himself over Light's front. His mouth was pressed into the crook of Light's neck. Hissing out a breath, Light continued playing with L's hair.

"Why do you want to have sex so badly? To prove something to yourself?"

L mumbled something, but Light couldn't hear. He asked L to repeat, straining his ears.

"Because it's you." L sleepily dragged his fingertips down Light's arms, "I want you because it's you, Light."

Light was shaking, unable to even think. He meant that? L slumped, letting out a gentle snore, his entire weight pressing down on Light. He considered shifting them to be horizontal, but he found himself wrapping his arms around the detective, brushing wild locks out of pale skin. Heat radiated from L's body, warming him. Smiling to himself, Light fell asleep holding L close.

A few days passed and they kept getting closer and closer. A touch here. A brush of his fingers there. Stealing hungry kisses in the investigation room's bathroom, the tile meeting L's back. He could never get enough of Light's mouth. If he could spend eternity just exploring those cheeks and tongue, he'd be happy. He nipped at the bottom of Light's lip, scratching down Light's sides.

"God, you're so fucking sexy," L growled, bucking their clothed hips together.

All Light could do was groan in response, tugging lightly on L's stands. They heard footsteps coming and abruptly parted, smoothing themselves out in no time just as Soichiro entered. L and Light exchanged secretive little smiles, going back out to the team.

* * *

L gasped, licking at Light's lips. By now, it'd been a whole week. He was straddling Light's lap, both of them shirtless. Every glide of Light's fingers left goosebumps peppering L's skin, sending the hairs on his body standing. He rolled his tongue in Light's mouth, pulling the other as against him as possible. Like he needed him. Like every kiss was breathing life into his body. Light's hand moved down, sliding over L's abdomen. L almost faltered, realizing where the fingers were going, but he nodded in encouragement, catching Light's lips again. Agonizingly slowly, Light undid the button and pushed L's pants below his hip.

He let out a low sound when Light gripped his member, soft golden hands making L throw his head back. Light took the opportunity to attach his lips to pale skin, pumping his hand. L whined, latching his nails into Light's shoulder. He couldn't even think if he wanted to, everything was drowned out by the pleasure. As Light's palm rubbed against his cock, L moaned, his entire body tightening in anticipation.

"Light- oh, God, Li- Ligh..."

Light sucked on the crook of L's shoulder excitedly, his movements speeding up. He took in every sound, every pleased rasp and cry for more.

L's skin was on fire and he loved it. His hips jerked, seeking delicious friction until his straightened, mouth falling open.

"Light, I'm- I'm going to-"

He growled huskily, coming over Light's stomach. It was mind-numbing... incredible. L slumped, breathing heavily. He sat back on his haunches, looking at Light with wide eyes. He'd tried masturbation once, just to try and understand what was so great about an orgasm that someone was willing to rape him for it. It'd been sluggish and unsatisfying, possibly because it was motivated by his rapist and no matter how hard he'd tried, couldn't get the man's image out of his brain. But being here with Light... it felt amazing. Light felt amazing. L kissed Light softly, a great contrast to the starving inhales producing swollen lips.

Light blinked. Somehow this gentle kiss felt more personal than the ones before. 

They'd have to go downstairs in an hour or two, but for now, L basked in the warmth and the glow, his body humming satisfactorily.

"L, are you listening? Ugh, I'm so disappointed, I thought this would be a challenge. Security level here is a joke. They left it all to a single contractor! There weren't even any wiretap detectors!"

L ripped himself from the memories, his cheeks hot.

"It's been a week, everything seems to be going pretty smoothly!" Matsuda exclaimed.

L ignored him, not wanting to be reminded of the officer's blunder a week ago. He mused quietly to himself, shoving a sweet into his mouth.

"So one of these men are Kira..."

" _Let's commence our regular meetings._ "

Soichiro made a displeased sound.

"But if there are supposed to be eight, why are there only seven?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were curious, yes, I'm planning a chap sometime in the future where we see L meeting Watari :)
> 
> The song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JHBrLXZBhw
> 
> It's a really good song and inspired a lot for this fic :D


	10. I Need You

"They killed one of their own members," L whispered.

He touched a thumb to his bottom lip in interest, watching the seven men casually talk about murdering for the sake of financial interest. _Truly disgusting_.

"This isn't good. At this rate..."

L paused when Namikawa mentioned 'Hatori's' death. The eighth member... so he'd gotten cold feet. L leaned forward, gnawing on his nail.

" _Now, let's discuss Eraldo Coil's report..._ "

The men around L gasped in unabashed horror and disgust. L sighed. What else did they expect? This was par for human nature. He rested his chin in the cup of his hand, finding his mind wandering, everyone around him sounding distant. _Heh, that member looks like Morpheus from the Matrix_. L almost snorted out loud, but caught himself, narrowing his eyes to focus on the screen. They weren't satisfied with the report... L's breath caught. They weren't satisfied with the information that'd been fed to them.

One of the men spoke up about not performing killing every weekend lest they draw L's suspicions. Hm. L tried not to frown at this.

"This is unbelievable! It's like they're trying to confess to everything!" Matsuda exclaimed.

"As long as we have this video for evidence, we can probably arrest all seven of them," Soichiro piped up.

L bit down a little too hard, drawing blood but not paying attention to it.

"- _we should focus on ELF Insurance_ -" Oh, they were back to deciding who to kill for money.

L pursed his lips, trying to stave off the boredom associated with insurance and stocks. What he _really_ wanted was the death.

"Is this for real?! How can they do this so easily?!"

Once again, L was left to wonder if Light truly was Kira. If he was capable of Kira's actions. As he quietly poured chocolate sauce over his sundae, L's mind drifted to them sitting in bed, Light's lips everywhere on his skin, praising him and showering him with tender, comforting kisses. How he acted with Light in a way that he'd consider shameful and demeaning with anyone else. It was getting harder and harder to believe that Light had ever _been_ Kira. L unconcernedly ate, tuning out the business proceedings until something more interesting came up.

"Kira? Death by accidents? By disease?" Light sounded outraged. L stirred, a flash of heat spreading through his chest, "designated times of death? It's just as we expected! We were right..."

 _Light, you're the smartest person I know. Use your brain_.

"No. Unfortunately, we can only be sure after those people they named are dead."

It was such a logical assumption and course of action that L didn't give it much thought. But when he heard Light's sharp intake, he paused, guilt instantly shooting through his body. Light was upset... he'd done something to upset him? He tried to explain, stacking his sweets.

"We will continue to monitor these meetings, take notes of what they say, how they act, and most importantly, whether the people they choose actually die. If we can confirm the connection between their plans and the deaths, then we'll definitely be able to catch Kira."

" **Ryuzaki**!"

 _Sweet Jesus_! L jumped, and he was ashamed to say that his first instinct was to catch as many marshmallows as he could in his mouth.

"Mph! What is it? There's no need to yell in unison!"

Light was glaring at him, eyes set.

"I can't carry on knowing these people will die!"

L stared at the other in a quiet shock. What else should he expect from Mr. I-want-to-solve-all-your-problems? L shrank in a slight annoyance. _Here it comes_. L ignored them, continuing to stab at his sundae. Light Yagami just had to try and be the perfect human being, didn't he? He thought he needed to _fix_ L, kept some inane sense of _morality_ , and _fix_ the world! He slowly put down his bowl, trying to keep the venom out of his voice.

"You're making this difficult. If we were to take action now, everything would go to waste."

To his dismay, Light still wanted to call one of the members, wanted to stop the killing... teeter all of their hard work on a 2/7 odd. 2 possible Kiras... L watched him, unable to decide if this was stupid or not. It was most definitely risky. He watched in awe as Light did just that. Contacted Namikawa and managed to delay the killings. _And he thought of it faster than me_. He wanted to trust Light so badly, and over time, it felt like he almost did, but hearing Light as 'L', it sent a shiver of unease down L's spine. So amazing. In one moment, Light went from a sweet puppy who wanted to make the world right to a calculating chess-master, who knew all the right things to say to get Namikawa on their side. L hated to admit that he was impressed.

And scared.

Scared that a part of him didn't care. That he'd willingly get closer to Light even knowing that he was walking on a knife's edge. A piece of him wondered if all of those lewd, mewling sounds he'd made had all been orchestrated, sounds Light had carefully designed to draw out of him... He'd never met anyone as confusing as Light.

Soichiro, the shining beacon of justice he was wanted to arrest the men anyway. L sighed. This wasn't working. If they were just going to undermine his expertise, what was the point of working together?

"I think I'll continue investigating Kira on my own. This building and it's resources will be available to you and I'll be here as well, but we'll work separately. If you wish to arrest those 7 men, then you must take responsibility. We have one month... I wonder who will succeed."

He started walking for Misa's room, tugging Light along.

"Sorry, Light, I know that you're with your father in all of this, but I'm afraid you'll have to come with me."

Light protested as L pulled them both towards Misa Amane's room, his face set determinedly. He couldn't tell if Light was squirming because he wanted to continue investigating with his father... or the prospect of seeing Misa again. Glancing back, L smirked.

"Why are you still with her if you've obviously not attracted to her?"

Light opened and closed his mouth, honestly having no reason why. He just knew that he had to keep her happy. Why did he have to keep her happy? Light shrugged, perplexed. L's brow quirked.

"You are gay, right?"

Light deadpanned, "Ryuzaki, we rubbed our dicks against each other. I think that constitutes as gay."

L tapped his chin, "valid point. Just checking... does your father know?"

That made Light shift uncomfortably.

"I know he'd accept me," he whispered, "but... I don't know... it still feels like I'm betraying him somehow. Maybe that's why I can't let go of Misa. While she does want more than I can give her, she... she pretty much follows and does whatever I say. It lets me keep our relationship distant enough that I don't have to think about it, but close enough that my father sees that I have a girlfriend."

"Hm, the very definition of a trophy girlfriend?"

Light pursed his lips.

"Well when you put it like that, I sound like an asshole... at some point, I'll have to break it off. But... now's not the time. Especially if it turns out that she's the Second Kira," Light paused, his lips up, "why? Are you jealous?"

"Of vapidity incarnate? No." L replied breezily, a little too quickly.

"Uh huh. Keep telling yourself that."

Trying not to glower, L knocked. A shrill voice made him shudder, wanting to seek shelter among his pastries.

"Oh, Light! Are you here for our date-" Her face soured when L opened the door, "oh I should've known it was you."

L glared at her. _Bitch, I've manipulated countless world leaders and have been responsible for the communication between warring peoples. You. Are a cinch._

"Misa Amane, tell me-" He rushed up to her, using the arm rest to support his weight, "do you love Light from the bottom of your heart?"

Light yelped as he was tugged forward, pulling harshly on the chain, trying to stop the conversation from progressing.

"I, uh- yeah. Of course I do!"

"Hm, but you also worship Kira."

Light flinched at that. Just another piece of evidence that 'he was Kira'.

"Y-yeah?"

"If you had to choose between Light and Kira, who would you pick?"

She scoffed, scurrying over to Light's side. L tried to ignore the flash of- _something_ that went through his stomach at seeing their arms hooked.

"That's obvious. Of course it's going to be Light. I'm really grateful to Kira and would like to meet him in person... but that's not true love. I definitely choose Light."

L stared at her. How wonderful it must be to be wholly convinced that the relationship she shared was true love. To trust so completely that this person was hers. She was rubbing her cheek along his arm, sending L's skin prickling. He stayed hunched, meeting Light's eyes. The teen looked thoroughly uncomfortable, his jaw set. L hugged his knees tighter, a secret part of him wishing he was hugging Light like that... so openly and... true. For all of her many, many faults, Misa's devotion was loyal, faithful and truthful. So truthful that it almost hurt.

"But you precious Light is planning on catching Kira, aren't you?"

"Well of course I am."

He leaned in, making Misa jump and cling to Light. L idly wondered if her perfume would rub off on the other's shirt and would later assault his senses.

"He says he wants to catch Kira," L's eyes stayed steady with the challenge, "now, what will you do?"

Misa glared back, meeting the challenge.

"Well, if that's what Light wants to do, then I'm gonna support him no matter what."

Incredible.

"I see. So if you were given the opportunity to work with Light on the Kira investigation, would you take the offer?"

Light's eyes flashed in alarm.

"What?! Ryuzaki-"

"Yeah! Of course I would! I'd do anything to help Light!"

 _Gotcha_.

"Wait, hold on a second. Where are you going with this?"

L's brow quirked hearing the genuine concern in Light's voice. Ah, the morally driven genius at it again? _He's not going to like what I have to say_.

"I'm planning on having Aiber pose as Eraldo Coil again. He'll tell the Yotsuba members that while he was investigating L, he discovered that Misa Amane might know who he is. He'll also tell them that L brought her in for questioning on the suspicion that she was the Second Kira."

Misa's voice went despondent.

"That part's true," she muttered. For the first time, L felt a twinge of guilt, but pushed it aside. Misa had definitely been the Second Kira. She didn't get to escape justice just because she was a pretty blonde girl. He continued as if she hadn't spoken.

"If the Yotsuba Group believes that Misa could be their lead to finding L, then they'll say that they want to meet her to discuss their advertising campaign. They'll use that opportunity to question her. Thanks to Matsuda's screwup, they might already be considering Misa as their new spokesperson, so this could work."

He could see it all laid out before him. Human deception at its peak, the kinds of lies that businessmen like them would tell. Humans were all so predictable. At least in their lying.

"Yeah. Right," Misa agreed.

"We can't do that," Light cut in, glaring daggers at L.

"Why not?!" Misa pouted.

"This plan is too risky. Who knows what could happen to you?"

"Oh, wow! Does that mean you're worried about me? Yay!"

L watched them out of the corner of his eye. How far would Light go to keep this relationship charade up? L fiddled with his fingers. Of course there was no future between them. Thinking otherwise would make him a love-sick idiot. Like Misa.

"But don't worry! I won't mind doing something like this if it's for you, Light."

Sacrificing herself for her precious Light? If L didn't have such a sweet tooth, he'd be gagging.

"Listen, Misa. If they suspect that you might know who L really is, we don't know how far they'll be willing to go to get that information."

"No problemo! I promise I won't say anything, even if they torture me!"

"I can attest to that," L replied airily.

Light's eyes sparked in anger. He turned his head completely to look at L.

"But Kira can control his victim's action before death. There's a good chance he might manipulate her into revealing what she knows and then killing her. Also if he does manage to kill L, he won't have any use for Misa. He'd kill her to keep her silent."

There was a growl of warning in Light's voice. This defensive of her?

"Light. You forget that if we win against Kira, Misa won't die. Besides," L jangled the handcuffs, his blood going hot and electricity shooting to his fingertips, "as long as we're handcuffed together, you and I share the same fate." His voice was a low purr, deep and enticing.

He smugly noted that Light's pupils dilated.

"If I die, so will you. If that happens, Misa will be the one to grieve most of all. Either we lose and die together, or we successfully catch Kira-" L held out a hand, "which is it?"

Misa blinked rapidly.

"We catch Kira! I wouldn't dream about living in a world without Light!"

 _Should I? I shouldn't. Oh, but I really want to_.

"Hm. Yes, that would be dark."

Light deadpanned.

"Cut it out! This is just crazy!"

"We're running out of time, and I'm starting to get desperate," it was one of the first totally truthful things that L had said to Light. Light faltered, his eyes going to the ground. L subtly teased him, turning his back to Light, "as for Miss Amane, I chose her because I know her bravery and love for you knows no bounds."

L could already imagine Light rolling his eyes.

Misa gasped happily.

"Oh no, I think I've had you wrong this whole time. I even called you a pervert! But you actually do understand how I feel about Light, don't you?"

 _I understand. I can never show Light the kind of devotion that you do. But I understand._ The words left a bitter taste in L's mouth, but he swallowed.

"Yes. Misa is indisputably the most perfect and worthy woman for Light."

"Yay!"

Soft lips pecked his cheek. L blinked in surprise. He'd never been kissed by a woman. Eh, it was okay. Not his cup of tea. Still, he touched the area in awe.

"I might actually fall for you."

Light straightened, lips pursed and amber eyes blazing. L bit his bottom lip to keep from smiling tauntingly. _Jealous, Light_? Misa held up a finger.

"Let's not go that far. But you could maybe be a friend of mine. Is that okay?"

L touched his chin thoughtfully.

"Yes. So it seems I have gained yet another friend."

How ironic that of everyone in this world, L was convinced his death would be brought by his only friends in the world. That same foreboding feeling passed over him, his chest constricting.

"Of course," she giggled, "any friend of Light's is a friend of mine as well."

Before he could register what was happening, Misa pulled him and Light into a circle. His palms were sweating when he met Light's feathery grip, his heart pounding.

"Let's all be friends together!" Misa cheered.

L grinned shyly, "yay. Fun."

* * *

They lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. For whatever reason, it was nagging at L. The idea that all of these things he was acquiring, friends, a partner, spending time around people his age, it was all happening now. During the Kira Case. When his chances of dying were at 95%. L twisted his neck to watch Light casually reading. Their fingers were intertwined together... when did that happen? L stared at the digits woven between his own.

The prospect of death had never scared him before. But now... he wanted to live. He wanted to have a lover and always feel like he'd be safe with them. Light... Light was the strangest paradox. How was it even possible to feel so simultaneously threatened and safe by the same person?

Light caught onto his staring, huffing a laugh.

"That was just playing dirty. Using Misa to get me on your side of the investigation," he chastised. His face became more serious, "Ryuzaki. She better not die because of this crazy plan of yours."

"You know I can't make such a promise. This case needs to be solved. It's bigger than any individual's life."

They were quiet for a few seconds. Light rolled his eyes, sighing with a small grin.

"Fine... but it was still a dirty move."

L smirked around the thumb on his lips.

"What can I say? I absolutely needed to work with you on this."

L stopped, nibbling on the nail. Teetering on a knife's edge. So close to death. He leaned closer, his breath blowing warm air against Light's lips.

If he was so certain he was going to die, he might as well try and enjoy life's pleasures... right?

Light shivered, eyes flicking around L's features. The detective's voice was a low rasp.

"I need you."

He understood what L meant. Light licked at his lips, his pulse roaring.

"L," he breathed, his fingers twitching.

L pressed his lips to Light's, his mind instantly drowning in pleasure. The book slipped from Light's hand, strong fingers tangling in L's messy strands. Light's kisses traveled to L's neck, to a bundle of nerves that sent firework off in his brain. He gasped, clutching Light's scalp pleadingly. As if he needed the other so he could breathe.

"I need you."

The kisses to his neck became more passionate. L draped his arms around Light's shoulders, bringing his head up and smashing their lips together.

"I need you," L whimpered.

Light slowly traced a fingers along L's features. They were so sharp... jagged and angular. Beautiful.

"I need you too," he breathed, crashing their mouths together again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got some sexy times coming up ;). 
> 
> Let me know what you think :D!


	11. Trust

Hot fire seared up L's skin. Their bodies buzzed, nipping and sucking on each others' lips. L threw his head back, inviting Light to kiss his neck. He gasped at the feeling, digging his fingers into Light's scalp. It was something he'd never experienced before, all of his nerves shot and fried, needing Light in a way that he'd never needed anyone before.

L slowly pushed Light horizontal, dragging his fingertips along Light's chest. The other made a throaty sound, gripping the bedsheets until L's lips ghosted over the bulge in Light's pants. Taking his time, he slipped the pants over Light's hips, carefully tugging them down tan, well-built legs. Wherever his fingers passed, goosebumps peppered Light's skin, the hairs standing ready in anticipation. Light almost laughed out loud. L, the cold and mysterious detective was pulling down his pants. Soon, the only thing keeping him covered were his boxers. L stared at them, his pupils dilated and hungry.

Light whined as the boxers were discarded next to the bed, his member springing free, hard and weeping. L smirked, running his hands in a pseudo-massage over the other's thighs, long nimble fingers kneading the muscles.

"Light," L sighed softly.

Light gasped quietly, rolling his hips to the touch, his eyes slipping shut. They opened again when he felt L move away. Light craned his neck, his eyes comically wide as he observed L's movements. The detective was sitting up on his knees, slowly and sensually taking off his own clothing. Every move and twist of his body made Light's heart palpitate a faster and faster. He slid up onto his elbows, just trying to get closer to L.

Grinning as he threw away his underwear, L grasped the sides of the other's face, pulling him into a deep kiss. Their tongues twisted around each other, wet organs exploring the other's mouth. Sitting up completely now, Light passed his hands up and down L's back, feeling the grooves against his palms. L made a choked sound, arching into Light's touch and gripping his arms needily.

Light's hand found itself around L's member and L bucked his hips instinctually, letting out a low whine.

"Yes," L breathed, grinding his hips in Light's grip.

Light hummed to himself, moving his hand along the shaft, bring out as many pleased moans and gasps as he could. By the time that L was shaking with the need to come, Light pulled away, his smile teasing. L was a mess, his wild hair splayed across the bedsheet, his mouth open and a small dribble of drool trickling out of the sides of his mouth.

"Light," he whined, rolling his hips upwards pleadingly.

His lips twitched as he innocently kissed the head of L's member. L gripped the bedsheets, his knuckles white.

"Please," he moaned lewdly.

"Since you asked so nicely," Light growled huskily, taking him into his mouth.

L hissed out in pleasure, clawing at the bedsheets, at Light's hair. He needed to hold on to something, but nothing felt adequate enough. Light's mouth was so hot and tight around his cock, it took all L had not to immediately thrust. Light got adjusted to the feeling, wrapping and languidly dragging his tongue up the shaft. L made an incoherent sound, his grip on Light's scalp stinging in the best way possible.

Light bobbed his head, indicating for L to thrust. He started slowly, his hips moving sensually and steadily. Until- until Light passed a finger over his entrance. L arched off the bed, letting out a lustful sound that he didn't even know he was capable of making. His fingers flew for Light's member and the other breathed out, curling and twisting his finger. He traced along each of L's scars. They were a part of L... a part he accepted just as much as the rest of the man.

They pumped each others cocks, their panting filling the static air. Light gripped L's hips, his chest heaving.

"Oh _, fuck_. Ryuzaki- I'm going to-"

"Come. Come, Light."

His mouth fell open and it felt like he was exploding, his cock spurting. L hunched forward, wrapping his lips around it and swallowing as much as he could. Just the sight alone was beginning to make Light's member throb again. He went back to L's, and felt the way the detective's throat contracted around him. L straightened, his pale chest quivering and whimpering.

"God, s-shit..."

Light tugged harshly and L came, shivering and crying out. They sat there for a few seconds, their forehead pressed together. Neither moved their hands from the other's member, almost as if one move would break the spell.

L traced light kisses along the other's jaw, nibbling down on the ear. He hesitated, his cheeks going a bright red.

"So, um. I have some lube in the drawer."

Light blinked.

"How'd you get-... you know, never mind."

"It's vanilla scented?"

"Pfft, you would."

L gave an impish expression, reaching over to the nightstand and pulling out the bottle. Light's eyes went hungry looking at it. L placed a hand on his chest, gently leading Light to stretch down on the bed. L straddled him, sending electricity throughout his limbs. A part of him expected to be the penetrated one, but to his shock, L locked eyes with him, seductively lubing himself. Light felt confused for a moment, but the sight of L's own fingers poking and plunging inside himself was making him so hard that it was almost painful.

L's eyes never left Light's face, satisfied that the show was having such an effect on the younger.

Holding onto Light's shoulders, L started to guide Light inside of him. Light touched L's arm, stopping him. Why would L want him inside of him?

"Are you okay?" L asked.

Light nodded dazedly, "yeah, I am. I'm just... a-are you su-"

L kissed him, his lips wet, a low, needy moan vibrating his chest. Light's eyes darted around L's features, his gaze dawning in realization. This was the ultimate show of trust. Not L's name or his past.

This. This was trust.

Light's mouth fell open in awe as L slowly sank himself onto Light's member, throwing his head back. His heart raced, L's fingers digging into Light's skin. Light hissed out a breath, feeling that tight sheath around him, warm and intoxicating. He whined, resting his head on the pillow, fire licking up his skin. It felt amazing, like they were made to fit each other.

L leaned forward, his hips still. Wrapping his arms around Light's neck, he pulled the other into a deep kiss, his tongue running along the insides of Light's cheeks, drinking in each aroused sound his partner made. Having someone filling him... stretching and connecting him, it felt odd and yet satisfying. He felt safe here, surrounded by the smell of vanilla. He wanted Light. More than anyone else he'd ever known. If Kira wasn't an issue, L would've told Light everything about him. The town he grew up in, his name, his parents and each of the kids at Wammy's. He would've made Light his true other half.

He waited until he was comfortable, until he could accommodate Light's length. L paused, getting a feel for it. He rocked, his fingers latched into Light's shoulder.

"Light," he rasped, the name rolling off of his tongue.

Light inhaled sharply, touching L's arms. _Oh fuck, shit, oh God_... He whimpered and L slowed down, grinding his hips agonizingly sensually. Light opened a half-lidded eye and started. L was smirking... he was slowing down just to mess with Light. His lips were up tauntingly, silently saying 'haha, and you can't ask me to go faster'. Light panted, his finger tingling.

"Oh God," he breathed.

L ground down just hard enough and cried out in pleasure when Light's member brushed his prostate. But he controlled the pace, rising and falling, his rhythm stimulating but not satisfying. He started bouncing harder, anything to get that cock deeper, already losing his patience. Light groaned, his hips jerking upwards. L swayed, plunging himself down over and over again, pleasure racking his mind.

"I need you," he growled, "to fuck me."

Well, Light was more than happy to oblige. Without disconnecting, Light twisted them around, the pillow making L's hair spread around his face like a dark halo. L's long legs wrapped around Light's waist, urging him to sink in deeper. Even so, Light hesitated, holding onto L's side for confirmation. L nodded into the other's collarbone, making him thrust once, just to get a feel. 

L yelped in pleasure, mouthing _'yes, yes, yes'_ into Light's skin. It gave Light the confidence he needed to pick up his speed, his gaze clouding over at how tight and incredible it felt.

"Fuck, Ryuzaki! You-you feel so fucking amazing."

L was lightheaded from the pleasure, smiling tiredly.

"Holy shit, Light... you... I've never..."

Light thrusted, holding onto L's thighs. He hit his prostate over and over again, sending stars in L's mind. The sound of skin slapping skin and unseemly moans and grunts played like music. L scratched his nails down Light's back, idly worried he'd leave red marks. Light didn't seem to care though, his hips bucking and pounding, the bed hitting the wall and creaking loudly.

"Oh, God, yes! Light, **_fuck_**!"

" _Ahhh... ahh_."

Both of their bodies shook with movement. Light bit down L's shoulder, sending L over the edge.

He cried out, all his tension, his very thoughts releasing onto Light's stomach.

Light roared, the feeling of L's come sliding down his skin making him come too.

L moaned, feeling warmth fill him. It was a wonderful feeling that made him tremble until he felt exhausted. He slumped, his legs lazily unraveling from Light's waist. Light stayed there, just releasing and releasing, not wanting to move. He looked at L's sweaty features, his face tilted to the ceiling. So beautiful. Light traced patterns along porcelain skin, admiring all the little goosebumps in his wake.

"So how long's my dick going to smell like vanilla?"

L threw his head against the pillow, laughing. There were slight crinkles around his face from the laughter and his eyes twinkled brightly. Light rested his chin on the other's chest, simply watching him.

"You have a wonderful smile," Light whispered, "you should laugh more."

L blinked, his heart swelling. He moved Light's sweaty chestnut hair behind his ear, fingers lingering on the teen's cheek.

"You're just saying that," L smirked.

"No, I'm serious," Light breathed, touching L's chin, "I wish I could see you laugh so much more."

His cheeks flushed form the compliment, feeling giddy and utterly ridiculous. But he didn't mind the feeling as much as he thought he would.

"Thank you," L murmured, pressing his lips tenderly to Light's.

Carefully, Light dislodged himself, settling next to L and pulling him against his chest. L nuzzled Light's throat, kissing the soft part chastely, almost a comical difference to what they'd just been doing. Light played with pitch black strands, watching them slide through his fingers. He grinned.

They stayed like that for what felt like hours, locked in each others' embrace and their limbs tangled. L buried his face into Light's chest, inhaling deeply, familiarizing himself with the scent and the rhythm of Light's breathing. His natural heart rate, the little beauty marks scattered across his skin. L wondered if this really was true love. He didn't have a frame of reference, how was one supposed to tell? Was true love the explosive sex and intense passion that they'd just had or... was it the quieter moments? All the little things L noticed about his partner? Like the fact that Light preferred two sugars in his tea, he wasn't a coffee person. He kept himself in shape from swimming and tennis, but otherwise didn't care for athletics... there was this cute little nose twitch that Light made whenever he smelled something good in the room. And L had been there... observing it all.

Light glanced over to see that L had fallen asleep, tucked in his body heat. He traced along the curve of L's spine, sweaty yet perfect.

"Goodnight," Light murmured, kissing the top of his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :D!


	12. Snapshots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey :). So I'm trying something a bit new in that I wanted to make a bit of a jarring change in tone in this chapter to really show how far L's come vs where he started so there are a lot of TWs for the italicized section.
> 
> TWs: graphic after-math of rape on a minor, graphic crime scenes, ptsd/trauma, discrimination against sign language, attempted rape of a minor.

_Huxley's body tensed in apprehension. They'd gotten a call about screaming. The burden of checking the scene fell on him and partner._

_The fact that the call came from this area wasn't surprising. It was poor, the houses either made of fading wood or asbestos-riddled brick. In his short time on the force, he'd seen many disturbing images in this part of the city. Decapitations, bodies riddled with hundreds of bullets, gruesome executions for wrongs committed against local gangs._

_He knocked on the door, but it opened slightly on its own. Huxley's breath caught as he glanced at his partner._

_"I think we need backup," he whispered, taking his gun._

_"Sir, Ma'am? I'm coming inside," he announced, swinging the door open._

_He froze._

_He'd seen gruesome... but there was something particularly disturbing about what lay before him..._

_A man was on the ground, stabbed at least ten times, his throat completely destroyed beyond believing he might be alive. On the other side of the room, a woman was face-down on the carpet, blood running from beneath her. Her sweatpants were ripped off, exposing her lower half to the air. Some sections of her body were burned horribly, filling the air with the smelled of cooked meat. In the center of the room was the body of a little boy on his side in a pool of blood, his back to Huxley. His clothing was shredded and discarded, leaving him a small naked heap in his own blood. Huxley hissed a breath, shaking his head while his partner went for the radio._

_Sighing, he traveled to the mother first, taking her pulse. Dead. She couldn't have been more than 26. He swallowed the bile, looking over at the child, a part of him convinced that the boy was dead too. Stepping over the crumpled pile, he flinched seeing grey eyes wide open, simply staring straight ahead blankly. His eyes traveled to see the blood coating the boy's thighs, still running profusely. There were large bruises and deep bite marks all over his pale skin. Leaning closer, Huxley shuddered, realizing there was dried cum caked in ebony hair, as well as harsh indentations on the boy's neck, presumably where a rope had been used._

_The second Huxley touched the boy's neck for a pulse, the child screamed. It was a guttural, primal sound, a haunting wail. Huxley yelled, scrambling back and looking at the kid in amazement. He was alive? There was so much blood-loss... the boy didn't say anything, not even when Huxley jumped back. He just kept shrieking... his voice going audibly hoarse. It was full of such raw pain, terror, and grief, shaking Huxley to his very core. No child deserved to ever have to make that kind of noise._

_"We need an ambulance!" Huxley yelled over the screams._

* * *

_Watari snapped his pocket watch shut, glaring at Huxley._

_"I thought I made myself very clear that orphans and those in foster homes must pass the entrance exam if they're to stay at Wammy's House for Gifted Youngsters. You're wasting my time. If I tried to help every orphan in England, there wouldn't be any room."_

_Huxley swallowed thickly._

_"We've tried four therapists and three social workers... no one can get him out of his catatonic state... you have a way with kids. Everyone's treating him like a vegetable, but I know he's a fighter!"_

_"Oh? And how do you know that?" Watari glanced into the hospital room's window._

_The boy, 'L', was leaning against the headrest, staring at the blanket unblinkingly. His neck was covered in bandages, patches attached all along his body, making him look like a half-mummy. The only way anyone would know he was alive was the fact that he was breathing. Otherwise, it was a constant struggle to take care of the child. Any physical contact resulted in panicked screams until the nurses were forced to sedate him. That's what they'd had to do simply to get some clothing onto the kid. L wasn't eating, wasn't using his jaw to chew. He wasn't swallowing liquids._

_Watari shook his head. He couldn't take in such a high-maintenance child at this time. As it was, Wammy's was over-capacity. Huxley pointed a shaking finger at the window._

_"He is a fighter!" He snarled, "we found skin under his fingernails and the blood staining his teeth wasn't his... That eight year old **clawed** his assailant and bit down on... whatever was shoved in his mouth. Please. Just try and get him out of his catatonic state. Please."_

_Watari pursed his lips but ultimately sighed, stepping into the room._

_L didn't react to the new presence. He didn't move or blink. Watari took out his crossword, humming to himself. They sat there is silence for what felt like hours. L's gaze was hollow, devoid of any thought or opinion. Watari debated. **He's too far gone**. Watari had seen it before. Young children traumatized into becoming little more than wheel-chair bound deadweight, shutting themselves off from the world until they were placed in special care facilities, their minds destroyed. Watari stared at L, his fingers tightening around his crossword, wondering how destroyed the child's mind was._

_"6 letter word for 'creature'... hm... ah, monster."_

_At that, L shivered. Watari's brow rose._

_"You know about monsters?"_

_Nothing. Watari folded his arms, his voice serious. L inhaled in interest. Most of the adults tried to coddle him, tell him it would all be alright. But there was something frank and grounding about this man's voice._

_"L Lawliet. Eat your soup. Every second you spend staring at the blanket, that monster wins."_

_L's eyes snapped in his direction, a blazing hatred exuding from a stormy grey gaze. Watari straightened. Hm, maybe this child really was a fighter... for the first time, Watari felt a glimmer of hope and determination. **I'm going to save you**._

_"You've gone through something most won't relate to, and you'll have to carry the weight of that night for years to come. Right now, you feel dirty and ashamed, like a part of you is missing. But the only way you'll win against the monster is by not breaking. By surviving. Eat your goddamn soup."_

_Watari held out the small bowl. The boy looked at it, his eyes much too large for his head. L wordlessly took it, his hands shaking. Watari exhaled in relief. A gentle hand would be needed at some point but for now, he had to ensure the kid wouldn't kill himself through neglect. L tipped the bowl back into his mouth, but he gagged, turning to the side and throwing up. He curled in on himself, drool dripping from the corners of his lips onto the pillow. L whimpered, tugging on the front of his hair. Watari chewed his lip. It was okay. This was just the first step._

_For 3 years, L was mute._

_At first, L's friends visited, excited to see him after missing him for months. But they soon realized that L wasn't the same little boy. He didn't utter a single word to any of them, just worked on a puzzle while they stood dejectedly in the doorway. For such young children, Watari recognized the valiant effort they put forth, actually sitting down and helping L with his puzzle. Some of the parents even considered adopting L, but realized they couldn't give the money and time needed... eventually the visits started petering off... The last straw was when the last boy who visited semi-regularly touched L's arm._

_L panicked. He shrieked and punched viciously, almost hospitalizing what used to be his best friend._

_He didn't come around after that..._

_L didn't take kindly to therapy, throwing things at the therapist and screaming incoherently until Watari had to intervene. Each therapist only seemed to make the reaction more volatile... the simple truth being that L didn't want therapy. It was something he sorely needed but constantly denied._

_Even without his ability to speak though, Watari could see how clever and intelligent L was. Possibly the most gifted orphan that Watari had ever hosted. The kid loved mysteries, loved to figure things out where there was a culprit responsible. He was even investigating a couple of large-scale robberies that'd been happening in London, although Watari didn't think much would come of it. Someway, somehow, L's mind hadn't been destroyed, his spirit not completely broken. It honestly amazed Watari..._

_He sat with L in the kitchen, sliding him his crossword. L silently worked at it, lines on his face too old for his age._

_"I got you a new therapist," Watari said cheerfully, "I think you'll like this one more than the last."_

_L snorted, rolling his eyes. He stabbed the pen into the paper, shaking his head. He didn't want any more therapy! He hated thinking about that night! Proving his point, he slashed the pen across the paper, growling animalistically. Watari stuffed a waffle into his mouth._

_"Well, just give it a try, alright?"_

_The boy shot him a deadly glare. Why wouldn't this old man just let him shrivel up? He was so... tired... And this man wouldn't seem to **leave him alone**._

_He hated Watari._

* * *

_L stuffed his hands in his pockets, dragging his feet through the grass. He was eleven, turning twelve in two weeks and Watari wanted to do something to celebrate. L huffed, rolling his eyes and throwing a pebble at an old stone wall. He didn't give a shit. He was actually currently skipping out on his therapy session. Watari would probably look for him soon and chastise him, but he didn't care. This new therapist was an air-headed bimbo. L snickered, moving for the trail behind the orphanage. There were some bottles by the lake that he wanted to smash. Maybe he could get himself a new weapon. He didn't actively help B kill all those rabbits, but he watched. And a part of him enjoyed it... he found that lately, he didn't feel empathy in the same way that he used to._

_He got to the lake's edge and sighed. The bottles had already been broken. Glass was strewn across the soil. Before he could think or do anything, someone came up behind him and held one of the broken bottles a few inches from his throat. L froze, his palms instantly going sweaty in his pockets._

_"We knew you'd come by. You always spend so much time here," a voice purred._

_L identified it as Valentine's. From around a tree, Scissor seemed to materialize, his lips up in a wicked smirk._

_"Get him on the ground."_

_L's eyes popped. He whimpered, trying to shake his head and thrash, but Valentine pressed the glass closer to his jugular._

_"He **said**... get on the ground."_

_L stretched down, his heart racing. He made an incoherent noise, shaking his head, knowing what the two fifteen year olds wanted._

_He gasped when Scissor undid his jeans. L sobbed pleadingly, bucking his legs. Scissor slapped him, snarling viciously. L reeled, his cheek stinging from the fresh pain and his head spinning._

_"You fucking idiot! Don't you get that one wrong move and we'll tear your throat apart?" He paused, his lips twitching cruelly, "how about this? I'll stop if you ask me too."_

_L swallowed and rose a trembling hand, trying to sign but Scissor laughed._

_"No. **Ask.** An ape can sign. Are you an animal, L? If you're not a human, why should I treat you like one?"_

_A tear slid down the side of L's face. He opened his mouth, trying to talk. But when he found that he couldn't, he settled down, his limbs locking. He stared up at the sky, breathing terrified. And yet... it felt like he was floating out of his body. Like all of this was happening to someone else. A shiver ran up his spine as Scissor pulled his clothing down to the knee, leaving him exposed. Goosebumps peppered where the cool air hit his skin. L rested the side of his face into Valentine's hand. He tried not to make any noise feeling Scissor's hands slide along his thighs._

_"Heh, look at that. Pretty fucking gorgeous."_

_**Just like that night... Why does everyone want my body? I don't understand. I-I don't understand!** L exhaled, his knees buckling in fear with every slow massage. **I'll never fall in love. Love doesn't exist. Love won't last.**_

_**You're unloveable.** _

_The sound of a gun cocking made the boys look up. L didn't move his head, but his eyes flashed upwards._

_Watari held the gun to Valentine's head._

_"Put the bottle down. Nice and slow."_

_Valentine dropped it, holding up his hands. Scissor cleared his throat, his hands abruptly leaving L's skin. L stayed stretched out, twitching and breathing shallowly. Watari sneered._

_"You probably thought Justin would stay quiet about your little scheme, didn't you? Well he didn't. Your third stooge turned against you."_

_He held up a walkie._

_"Yeah, Roger. Justin's story checks out. Come collect these worthless pieces of shit. Call the police, have them pack and I never want to see them within a thirty mile radius of this orphanage ever again."_

_L curled into a ball on the ground, his stomach turning on him. He still hadn't moved, hadn't made a motion to cover himself. Everything sounded distant as Roger came and collected them. He simply stayed there, squeezing his legs together._

_"L?"_

_Watari stood a few feet away. L shuddered._

_"L, can you hear me? Can you look at me?"_

_L whined, slowly covering his face. Exposed. He felt too exposed. Why couldn't he just reach down and pull his pants up? It was that simple!_

_"... Do you want my jacket?"_

_L nodded numbly._

_Watari sighed, carefully adjusting it over the child, making sure to tuck his face out of view. He stared at the small bundle on the ground, deathly quiet. No crying. No panicked sounds. Nothing. He massaged the bridge of his nose, sitting about three feet away. A deep anger settled in his bones. How dare those boys try to hurt him! A part of Watari had been completely prepared to, even wanting to, plant a bullet in Valentine's skull. He clawed at his eyes, frustrated at how wet they were._

_"I'm so sorry," he murmured, running a hand through his hair, "I... L, I'm so sorry. You deserve so much more than this... you are so much more than this."_

_For a few seconds, nothing happened. And then... the bundle started crawling in his direction. Watari stiffened, his eyes wide and watching in awe. L never removed the jacket from around himself, but curled up against Watari. He could feel L's ear through the fabric resting on his chest. Watari didn't shift. As if one wrong move would send the boy running. 3 years together and Watari had never been this close to L. There was the sound of soft crying from under the jacket, quiet and broken. As if this hadn't all been unexpected, Watari's mouth fell open when he heard a low sound._

_"T-Th-thank y-you."_

* * *

Blinking, L's eyes slipped open, his nose an inch from Light's chest.

His body was still buzzing from last night, aching but... in a good way... L traced the lines of Light's skin in awe, his lip quivering. He honestly never thought he'd be this intimate with a person, naked limbs tangled and nuzzling in the dark. There was a point when he wasn't even sure if he'd be able to talk again, but he managed that hurdle. Every single struggle and mountain... he'd done it...

Inhaling shakily, L pressed a kiss to tan skin. Light made a quiet noise, shifting so he was holding L in a better position. Tucking his head into Light's arm, he smiled serenely.

"I love you," he breathed.

Light was still mostly asleep, his eyes closed, but his lips twitched.

"Love you too," he slurred before snoring softly.

A thrill went up L's spine. He settled, the darkness peaceful and calming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I actually had a lot of ideas in terms of L's time at Wammy's. The ideas that I have don't really fit into the narrative naturally so I was wondering if anyone would be interested in an extra collection of prequel one-shots. The updates would be sporadic, but let me know if that's something you're interested in :). 
> 
> Let me know what you think :D!


	13. L's Face

L expected to wake up first like he usually did, but to his shock, his eyes fluttered open to the smell of freshly brewing coffee, pancakes and fruit. Groaning, L scooted to a sitting position, tilting his head curiously. He was still naked, but Light was moving about their room with a fluffy white bathrobe and a silver cart with breakfast. Light was dumping sugar into L's cup of coffee, 12... just how he liked it. L flushed, caught off guard as he took the beverage and a plate with a complete stack of pancakes, syrup dripping off the edges. He looked at Light suspiciously.

"What's this for?"

The other shrugged, lips up.

"Well if you don't want them, I can always take them back."

L held up a foot.

"Let's not get hasty here. I was just curious."

He stuffed some into his mouth, acutely aware that Light was staring at him. Pouring yet even more syrup, he watched it drip out, his tongue sticking out. L hesitated, the memories from last night swirling in his brain. The pleasure, his childhood, saying 'I love you' in the dark... L bristled, his eyes wide. Holy shit... he'd told Light he loved him... and Light responded! But- but he'd been so sleepy. _Does he even remember saying it back_?

"Light... about last night-"

"I don't regret anything."

L blinked, looking up.

"You- don't?"

"No. And... I meant everything I said."

Heat rose up L's neck. Was he referring to saying he loved L too? L swirled the coffee in his cup, trying to keep himself from smiling and blushing.

"Good," he murmured, his heart skipping pleasantly, "some things I said-... were not easy for me to say. I can't be the 'sweet and touchy-feely boyfriend'... it's just not who I am."

"I understand. We don't have to say it again if you're not comfortable... I know."

L's pulse raced. Reaching for Light, he pulled the other into a deep kiss, his mind spinning wonderfully. Light shifted the sheets downwards, his eyes skimming down L's body. L smirked, already untying the sash around Light's waist, his grey eyes lidded.

Before it could progress too far, Watari's voice crackled through the intercoms. He sounded annoyed.

"Ryuzaki. Misa Amane won't stop asking for Light this morning... she's pestering."

Light winced, glowering. L observed him, each little twitch of his eye and tight jaw. His lips glided over the younger's jaw, dragging his long fingers down Light's chest. The other shuddered, framing L's features tenderly. L pecked his lips to Light's nose.

"We're on our way."

* * *

"Alright, let's try again from the top!" L declared into his rolled-up magazine.

Light snickered, watching L. Somehow, the detective had managed to save him from a date with Misa, insisting that they needed to rehearse what she'd say and do when she was interviewed by Yotsuba. Aiber leaned forward, folding his hands in front of his chin thoughtfully.

"Tell me Misa, is it true that you once said you came to Tokyo to meet Kira?"

"WhaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAT?"

L boinked her over the head.

That was satisfying.

"Misa, please stop over-acting. It looks cheesy, not to mention fake." The thought that any film company had genuinely hired her for her acting abilities honestly astounded him.

 _Maybe I should get into acting_. He snorted dryly. Yeah, right. Who'd ever watch him? Misa sank, looking insulted.

"What? But I thought that was a realistic performance," she pouted.

L sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose.

"Just do it again."

She rolled her eyes.

"Whatever you say, Oh so great director!"

L's lips twitched wryly.

"If you don't get serious about this, I'll kick you."

She pouted and out of the corner of his eye, L could see Light trying not to completely burst out cackling.

The rest of the day passed rather tensely. L could tell that Light was worried about her. He wasn't even focusing on his work, just staring blankly at his screen. Sighing, L tugged on the chain, pulling Light out of his thoughts.

"Alright, let's go. You're getting some fresh air," L declared.

Light rose an eyebrow.

" _You_? Want to get fresh air?"

L pursed his lips.

"It's not unheard of."

Light grinned playfully but followed L out to the roof. Tokyo was beautiful, the light bouncing off of the skyscrapers. Light opened his mouth, about to ask why they went to the roof, but L plopped down to the ground, instantly going into meditation. Cocking his head in interest, Light clumsily sat down beside him, scanning L's features.

"Meditation?"

"Mm. It's an effective way to clear the mind and find peace."

"How does it work?"

"Clear your mind," L instructed without opening his eyes.

Light slipped his eyes shut. It was hard. After about thirty seconds, he opened his eyes with a growl.

"I can't."

"Really? I thought it would've been easy for you."

"... Fuck you."

Underneath his eyelids, L rolled his eyes affectionately.

"It takes a long time to be able to meditate properly. I've been doing it since I was 12," L's lips twitched, "so don't feel bad if you don't get it right away." There was a slight challenge to his words.

Light's temple twitched competitively. _Oh, I'm totally going to beat you at meditation!_ He squeezed his eyes shut. They sat there quietly, Light's fingers prickling from boredom. After a while, he crawled over to L, his nose a few inches from L's ear. L smiled softly, but didn't move, silently telling Light that this wouldn't break his concentration. Tucking L's hair behind his ear, Light nibbled on the ear lobe. L groaned, rolling his shoulder.

"Pest," he mumbled, biting his lip to keep from grinning.

Light hummed, sagging onto L until the detective finally pitched forward with a yelp, pushing at Light's arm.

"You really are a pest," he giggled.

Their lips were so close. All L would have to do was lean forward. Light ran his thumb along L's bottom lip, his pupils dilated.

Swallowing, L pulled the two of them horizontal.

* * *

"Misa-Misa sure is late," Matsuda noted.

No sooner had he said that when the door opened and Misa beamed.

"Hi! Ugh, I'm _exhausted_!"

She moved and sat on Light's lap, sending a flash of heat through L's limbs. He pursed his lips, trying not not make his glare icy.

"So? How'd it go?"

"Yotsuba agreed to hire Misa as their new spokesperson for their ad campaign," Mogi revealed.

 _Of course she did_.

"I see. That's good to hear." L conceded.

She preened at the praise, squirming a bit in Light's lap. His eyes were wide, looking at Ryuzaki in a 'um, help me out here?!' kind of way. L simply watched back, his teeth gritted.

"And I made sure to give them my cellphone," Misa chirped, "3 out of 7 have already messaged me asking about private dates! The plan is for me to say yes and investigate them, right?!"

"No," Light cut in quickly, "that plan's getting canceled right now."

L watched the other in interest, his grip on his teacup's handle tightening in annoyance. Why not let Misa do as she pleased? She looked at him with large, round eyes.

"But why not?! Everything's been going so smoothly up until now!"

"If we keep going, you'll be in danger." L noted smugly that Light gently pushed her off of his lap.

He took a sip of his drink, trying not to croon pettily. Jealous of Misa? Of course not.

"You can appear in their commercials, but you should deny any other connection with L. From now on, you'll be working solely as a celebrity."

She gasped dramatically, and then ultimately deflated.

"If that's what you want Light, then that's what I'll do."

L took a thoughtful sip from his cup. Such blind, unquestioning devotion. It was hard to believe anyone like that could exist. Could love someone in that way. L stared at his drink. _Misa has more experience at love than I... am I loving the wrong way_? No... he and Light had their own rhythm, their own way of understanding each other. L was fairly certain that Light didn't actually want the kind of love Misa gave. L observed her in interest. She yawned widely.

"Well, tomorrow's shoot is pretty bright and early, I guess I'll head to bed."

Light smiled in uncertainty, bending next to L to look at the screen. Misa giggled from the doorway.

"Hey Light. Want to come sleep with me tonight?"

L almost dropped his cup. Somehow, he managed to keep his face stoic.

"Wh-what are you talking about?"

"Just kidding! You're saving it for after we catch Kira, right? No need to be shy!"

She bounced out, and a smirk played at L's lips.

"Yes, Light, no need to be shy."

"I-I'm not being shy!"

"No need to be so serious either," L smiled into his cup.

Light draped himself over L's back, grinning and nibbling L's ear. His entire body instantly went to jelly. He could feel Light's teasing smirk against the side of his face.

"Hm. Well maybe I will go to Misa's... just to prove I'm not shy."

L's eyes moved in Light's direction, intertwining his fingers with the other's.

"Don't you dare," he chuckled lowly, pulling Light down for a kiss.

It was risky here, in the investigation room where anyone could walk in on them. But in a way, the extra element of danger made a thrill of excitement shoot up L's spine. L idly wondered if Watari was currently manning the cameras, yet found he couldn't care less. There was such a thing as looking away from the screen. He spread his fingers through Light's soft strands, outlining the younger's ear and tracing down his jaw slowly. Light shivered in response, tangling his own fingers through the mess of black hair hair, trapping the digits to L's scalp.

Light panted, looking up at the other with clouded eyes.

"Bedroom," he rasped, "now."

They practically tripped to their bedroom, every step lighting their veins on fire. The door had been closed for all of one second before Light' lips were on L's. L moaned, gripping Light's arm tightly. He was far beyond caring if this secret relationship of theirs was right or wrong. L's back was pressed against the wall and he moaned, shifting his body to give Light better access.

Every kiss to his mouth and skin seemed to breathe life into L's body. He sighed, sliding his hands down Light's back, clawing off the immaculate shirt before unceremoniously tossing off his own.

Light groaned, nibbling on the soft skin. L may have been a frigid person, but his skin was incredibly soft, almost unreal. Light kneaded at L's stomach and chest, the pads of his fingers constantly moving, just needing to feel. Holding onto his shoulders for support, L wrapped his legs around Light's waist. Light gasped feeling their hardness poking each other through their pants. L was so skinny and light that if Light wasn't drowning in lust, he'd tease him about it. He had no problem supporting L and carefully carrying him to the bed, spreading him out over the sheets.

L's eyes sparked fondly and Light's breath caught. God, those eyes were so beautiful. He didn't even know it was possible for someone to have such silvery eyes. Locking with them, he carefully unbuckled L's jeans, sliding them down. The detective's eyes slipped shut as he threw his head against the pillow. Light felt an inkling of disappointment. He wanted to never stop staring into those eyes.

He ran his hand along L's length, drinking in the low, throaty sounds that L made. If anyone had told him that the detective could make those sounds, he'd have called them crazy! Light stared at that pale face, panting and groaning in need.

"Oh, fuck... Light, _fuck_ you feel so good. I-I'm going to-"

Light smirked, holding his forehead to L's.

"Come, Ryu, come." For just the briefest of moments, Light wanted to use a pet-name. Something saccharine and utterly ridiculous.

L seized, clinging to him with a deep growl. Light felt it between his fingers, running down his palm. Watching L seductively, Light rose his hand to his mouth and licked it. Sweet and bitter at the same time... just like L. L's eyes widened seeing this. He grinned breathlessly.

"Fuck me."

Light eagerly ripped off his pants, almost falling off of the bed in the process. He smiled.

"You still have that vanilla-scented lube?"

"Of course. Light, I'm insulted that you'd suggest I don't stay prepared."

Chuckling, Light settled back over him, squeezing the lube onto his fingers. It was cold. The memory flashed of L applying it, never breaking eye contact as he fingered himself. Jesus, that was hot. Light hesitated, the action surprisingly daunting. Inhaling, he slowly slid a finger inside, watching L writhe in pleasure, crying out. Should he- give the scars attention? None at all? Light's brow furrowed, trying to decide when he felt L's hand in his hair. He looked up to see that same expression he sometimes saw... despondent and a bit sad.

"It's okay," L whispered reassuringly.

A smile fought up Light's lips. He ran his finger more confidently, smoothing it over the ridges and plunging it deeper. L latched his nails into Light's shoulder, squirming while making pleased little moans.

When Light felt it was good enough, he crawled up, examining L's features. If only the detective wasn't so convinced he was Kira... he'd ask about L's heritage for hours. What combination could give L such striking features? Holding onto L's arms, he carefully pushed inside, instantly groaning from the tight sheath. L wrapped his arms around Light's chest, squeezing around the member now buried deep inside of him. Light gripped L's thigh, his mind spinning in pleasure.

He scanned L's features, at the way L's eyes lidded and a slight trickle of drool hung from the corners of his mouth. Light started thrusting, observing every little minute twitch of L's face. Teeth biting his thin lips, eyes fluttering in a daze. _I love him_. It was like a hazy dream hearing L tell him last night that he loved him, a dream Light knew he had to savor. The detective wasn't exactly one to indulge in that side of a relationship.

Light hips moved faster, the bed creaking beneath them. He could feel the friction of L's insides, hitting his prostate over and over again to L's lewd cries. It was all so much- Light jerked sporadically, whining. L scratched his nails down his shoulder blades.

" _Fuck_ , yes. I want to feel you come inside of me and then I'm goin to ride you like a fucking horse," L growled.

Well, that did it. Light roared, coming deep inside of the other. His hips jutted forward, buckling against L's as he released and released, his brain washed in pleasure. His orgasm brought on L's, and the detective sighed, come leaking down his shaft. Breathing heavily, Light stayed there, deep inside his partner, enjoying the view of L's flushed face and how the sweat made his black strands cling to his skin. L smiled tiredly.

"That was-... shit, amazing..."

Beaming satisfactorily, Light regrettably dislodged himself and settled with L against him. L slurred, almost sounding drunk from the high.

"You're not like the others," he mumbled sleepily, "neither Monster nor Scissor looked at my face."

Light blinked, looking at L.

"Monster? Scissor?"

"Hm?" L's eyes were closed but he continued to mumble softly, "oh, Monster's what I call the first man. He has a name, but I didn't know it for years so Monster just kind of stuck. It's funny... he broke in with three friends. His friends tortured my parents and they wanted me, but Monster claimed me as his... said I was made for him... that it must've been true love... he never looked at my face, though."

"... Oh..."

L cuddled into him, his lips against Light's chest.

"I love how you always look at my face... am I being depressing?"

"N-no," Light hugged him tightly, "I don't mind."

L's lips twitched, his eyes closed.

Light's heart twisted. He held L, watching the other quickly fall asleep, draped over him. Tucking L's hair away from his face, a thrill went up Light's spine at seeing those sleeping features, set like marble yet delicate like porcelain. Craning his neck down, he kissed the top of L's head.

"I'll always look at your face," he whispered softly.

Stroking down L's back, he fell asleep, the two of them breathing in sync.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :D!


	14. Planning

L worked at his computer, Light at his, but they kept exchanging secretive glances. There was a warmness in both their eyes, a tenderness exuding from their very personas. It even seemed to attract the attention of the task force, glancing around probably to see if Misa had snuck in.

At some point, L's phone buzzed and he looked down with a sigh. Watari. He should've known this storm was coming.

 **W: We need to talk right now about what happened in the investigation room yesterday. And the fact that you're blatantly not hiding it**.

He smirked in satisfaction, the fiery kiss replaying in his brain. Light's fingers tangling in his strands, the thrill of potentially being caught.

**L: Very well. What do you want to say?**

**W: In person. Now.**

Groaning, L motioned to Soichiro.

"I have to take care of some business, maybe you and Light would like to spend some time together?"

Light shot him a curious look, but didn't say anything. L suppressed a smile. He loved that about Light. Always so curious and inquisitive. God, he was adorable when he looked at L with those large cocoa brown eyes, silently begging to know.

Soichiro took L's end of the handcuff, leaving the detective to trudge out of the investigation room and towards the camera room. He held up his fist to knock, but Watari spoke before he could.

"Come in."

Swallowing, L peeked his head through the door. He tried holding it high, closing the door gently behind him and standing in uncertainty. Watari gazed at him, shaking his head, sitting in his chair.

Neither said anything at first, the clock uncomfortably loud. Finally, Watari massaged the bridge of his nose.

"Why would you do something so needlessly reckless?" Watari croaked.

L swayed on the balls of his feet, his eyes going to the ground.

"It's none of your business."

"It is my business when-"

"When what? I'm not your son, no matter how much you like to pretend I am. I have a father and he's dead. Stop getting involved."

He straightened, looking like he'd been slapped. L winced, stabbing at the pokes of guilt in his stomach. Too harsh. Much too harsh. Watari stood up. He wasn't much taller than L, but it felt like the old man was towering. L gulped, shrinking under his caregiver's steely eyes.

"Stop acting like a child. This isn't some teen rom-com, this kind of relationship affects you, me, the task force, the entire investigation. This isn't something that you can bury under the rug and do whatever you want, L-"

"I love him," L breathed, flinching.

Watari froze, his eyes impossibly wide. The two of them simply stood there, a thick heaviness in the air. L shuddered, holding onto his arms.

"I love him," he repeated quietly, biting at his lip, "I-I've never... I've never felt this way about anyone."

Watari looked stunned, gaping and suddenly uncertain. L laughed dryly, running a hand through his hair.

"How messed up is that? Me... falling in love with Kira?" He chuckled airily in disbelief.

He leaned against the wall, suddenly light-headed. L stared at the ground, his heart racing. Kira. He'd fallen in love with Kira... no, Light... I-it was Light.

 _It's Light_.

Exhaling, L rolled his shoulders, meeting his guardian's concerned eye.

"... The simple truth is that I don't care whether I should or shouldn't pursue this relationship. It's happening, Quillish."

The older man searched his ward's face, expression cryptic. His voice was barely above a whisper.

"Alright, L... I just want you to be happy and safe. Please be careful."

L's chest tightened with the approval, his lips quirking into a genuine smile.

"Thank you."

* * *

Misa had been out for a shoot all day. Until... until Mogi came back with her, looking shaken. She was wearing a nurse's outfit and beamed, holding up a cellphone.

" _Alright, Misa. I'm Kira, so in order to make you trust me, and prove that I'm him, I'll stop killing criminals for the time being. And once you're fully convinced that I'm him, you and I can get married._ "

"And so, based on what he said, Higuchi is Kira!" Misa chirped proudly.

L was inwardly having a panic attack, his fingers trembling. How? How did Misa get him to prove that he was Kira? How did she get him to confess? Even if Higuchi knew that Misa was a Kira worshipper, he wouldn't be so careless!

Did- Did Misa know something? Something L didn't?

"Now we not only know Kira's identity, but all those deaths that were worrying the chief are going to stop! That's amazing, Misa-Misa!" Matsuda exclaimed excitedly.

 _Shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Something bigger is at play here_.

Light glanced at him and L's chest drummed in relief. Light looked at perplexed as he felt. A tense shiver raced up L's spine. Misa had to have proven her worth somehow so Higuchi could place his trust in her. How.

Misa knows something.

She was able to manipulate Higuchi somehow into confessing.

L stayed quiet.

 _But... if the killings of the criminals do stop, then there's no doubt that Higuchi is Kira_. However... it made it hard to know _how_ Kira killed. L stared down at his empty coffee cup, a foreboding feeling in his chest. He needed a plan. Now.

"Misa... how'd you get Higuchi to confess?" Light asked slowly.

"Easy! That guy is totally in love with me," she giggled, "All I had to do was tell him I'd marry him if he was really Kira. Plus, I managed to convince him that I'm the Second Kira!"

"Misa! You idiot! I told you to deny all that!" Light yelled.

There. There it was. How did Misa convince Higuchi she was the Second Kira? Any normal person would've wanted her to prove that sort of claim. _Is she the Second Kira now_? No... if she was, then L would've already been dead. _What did she do_? L touched a thumb to his lips. Underestimating Misa Amane. That was a weakness of his he'd have to work on. He just saw her as some stupid love-struck model. It was easy to forget that she could be cunning in her own way, playing to what the people around her wanted, and she was just as proficient in lying. L idly pondered just _how_ proficient she was.

"I suppose this is what you'd a victory, right, Matsuda?" L asked.

Against the situation, Light huffed a soft laugh. He shook his head.

"This still doesn't tell us how Kira kills," he murmured.

 _Always on my level, Light. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one_.

"Yes, that's what I was thinking. Before we can arrest Higuchi, I want to find out how he kills people... give me a moment."

L thought about the situation. Of how this was good and bad, yet it didn't give him what he wanted. He sighed. L needed a plan. He leaned forward, considering.

"... It's already getting late, I'm sure your families are missing you." It was already well past nine. "We'll reconvene in the morning. It seems we have three days to figure out how to observe Kira's method." L added with a small smirk, "I wonder if we'll succeed."

 _I will_. The task force pursed their lip, but ultimately nodded, going to gather their things and leave L and Light alone in the building...

Light was fucking L on the dresser. It felt _good_. The back of L's head was pressed against the mirror and his legs were resting all the way up on Light's shoulders, practically bending his body in half. He gasped, holding onto the edge as Light drove into him, chestnut hair laden with sweat and sticking to his neck. 

"Ahh... Ah, oh God, you're so sexy," Light growled, locking gazes with L.

L panted, moaning. His toes curled in pleasure with each calculated thrust Light made, hitting his prostate over and over again. Grasping L's leg, Light peppered soft kisses along the inside of his thigh, grinning in satisfaction as the muscle quivered to his touch.

Grunting, Light pounded. They knew each others' bodies well. Knowing just the right places to lick and bite to turn the other into a writhing, incoherent mess. At this point, it was almost a desperate rut, the sound of skin slapping skin filling the air. L moved his body in rhythm with the other. His mind filled with static as he came, gasping loudly.

"Light-"

" _Ryuzaki!_ " Light groaned, shooting into L's body.

L groaned, the feel warm and fulfilling. Their hips swayed, ridiculously gentle considering what had just happened. Holding onto L's body, Light carried him, hoisting him with his arms supporting the detective. L's lips went up as he framed the other's face while Light carried them both to the bed.

Laying beside each other, L felt content... happy... the happiest he'd felt in a long time. Neither were actually tired, so they simply leaned against each other, basking in the afterglow. Shifting to his side, L prompted himself on his elbow, smiling at his lover.

"I suppose Light Yagami isn't as composed as everyone thinks he is," L teased.

Light rolled his eyes dramatically.

"I blame you. It's hard to be composed around you."

L snickered, preening at the praise.

It came to him so suddenly that he wasn't expecting it. L gasped, grasping Light's arm. The other blinked in surprise, watching the other curiously.

"Light! I've got it! How we can find out Higuchi's killing method!"

Light's eyes widened. He turned on his own side excitedly, taking in the way L's eyes lit up.

"Do tell."

L gave an impish smirk, holding up a finger.

"We have to be careful, we don't want him transferring the Kira power. But imagine if he was watching, say, Sakura TV and someone he knew was on there as a witness, ready to reveal Kira's identity at the end of the program. For good measure, the frost covering can fall, temporarily showing the witness' face. Higuchi would feel compelled, no, cornered! and would act, showing us how he kills! I need Wedy to bug him, but it could work."

L gave a toothy smile. Light gaped, holding his fingers to his chin in interest.

"It's a good plan, but I don't see how Aiber can fulfill that role. It'd have to be someone who Higuchi feels like he can kill on the spot..."

"Matsuda," they both said at the same time.

Adrenaline was starting to race through L's body. He hummed thoughtfully to himself.

"But of course, if Higuchi is like the Second Kira and only needs a face... Matsuda would die."

Light rolled onto his back again, staring at the ceiling. L watched the young genius' mind work, lightly passing his fingers over Light's arm.

"I don't think that'll happen. If Higuchi was like the Second Kira, then he would've already killed Matsuda before."

L bobbed his head thoughtfully, gnawing on his thumbnail. Light's eyes went in his direction.

"Do you think Matsuda would agre-"

"I do," L said without hesitation.

He was sure of it. For all of his faults, Touta Matsuda was a good person. He was the type to risk his life on this theory. A gorgeous smile played on Light's lips, instantly taking L's breath away.

"There are still a few kinks, but... it could work!" He scooted closer to L, "you are a devious little thing," Light purred.

He was delighted by the way L's eyes crinkled with laughter, his nose wrinkling affectionately. L stood up quickly, almost tripping and falling.

"I'll get my laptop!" He declared excitedly, "we can hash out the details together."

Light watched after L, sighing. How strange that they considered planning a murderer's capture as a romantic date. At least... probably the closest to a traditional 'date' that they would get. Light leaned back on the bed, beaming. It didn't matter to him. L was an unconventional person who didn't bother trying to conform to a society he didn't agree with... maybe that was part of the reason why Light admired him so much. He'd spent all of his life playing to convention. Being the best son possible. The best student. L was like a breath of fresh, rebellious, free air.

L cursed, flipping through all of the sofas and scanning over all of the papers. Growling, he moved into the bathroom, thinking maybe he left in the hamper by some miracle. He didn't find it, but he did find his pills. L stared at the little bottle, his pulse quickening. It'd be illogical to take any if he wasn't planning on sleeping any time soon. If he and Light were going to draw a plan, he needed to be alert and awake. L squeezed the container though, his heart palpitating.

One or two wouldn't hurt, right? Just to calm him down, bring his racing nerves from their high. The prospect of catching Kira in just five days was making his mind spin.

He shuddered, shaking his head. It... He couldn't take any. L needed to be sober in three days if he was planning on piloting the helicopter. And by God, was he going to... the thought of seeing Kira finally in person, finding out just how he killed.

Just to stave off any withdrawal, L popped one into his mouth. His lips tightened in annoyance that it didn't produce any effect. He felt just as he had before. L considered maybe having one or two more, but he quickly shook his head, tossing the bottle behind the mirror.

Kira.

Sober. He had to be sober to fly the helicopter. _If you're not, you'll be risking Light's life_. That was enough to make him step away from the mirror and practically run back into the room, hoping that 'out of sight, out of mind' would save him.

Light beamed, holding up the laptop, not noticing L's shaken expression and pale features in the muted light.

"It was under the bed," he chuckled.

L gave a weak smile.


	15. It's Over

L soaked in the tub, his back resting on Light's front. The two of them simply sat there, taking in the cool stillness of the bathroom, the only sounds being the occasional swish of water. Light held up a bottle of shampoo.

"Can I do your hair?"

L blinked, chuckling.

"Why do you always want to take care of me?"

"Sue me," Light laughed, already lathering L's messy locks.

L smirked, sinking lower into the tub to let Light massage his scalp. After a few minutes, he heard his lover's voice, soft and slightly worried.

"Ryuzaki... I need to ask you for something."

Light never stopped digging his fingers into L's tangles, drawing a dazed "hm?" from the detective. Light's fingers hesitated in L's hair.

"Ryuzaki. If- If I become Kira again and there's no way to bring me back- _this_ me... I need you to promise- that you'll kill me."

L's eyes snapped open. He sat up abruptly, looking at the other in shock, water dripping off his strands. L stared at Light, his eyes widening. The other's eyes were a puffy red and... Light was shaking. He was shaking so badly that the water was rippling... gaping, L quickly enveloped him into a comforting hug, dragging his fingertips down Light's spine soothingly.

Light shivered in his lover's grasp, taking in a shuddered breath.

"Light, I can't do that," L croaked.

"Please. This is who I am. I-I don't want to be anybody else."

Light let out a quiet sob, burying his face into the crook of L's neck.

"I don't want to hurt you. Or anyone on the task force. Kira's the type who'd sacrifice his family if it meant furthering himself... I can't be that. If there's no way to bring this me back, then I don't want to exist."

"But-"

"Please," Light shuddered, holding onto L as if he were his lifeline, "just- promise."

L stared at the tub behind Light, his entire body numb.

"... I promise," he breathed.

Light gave a relieved nod. They stayed like that, Light tucked into L's body. Laughing sadly, L stroked the other's hair, watching it slip between his long fingers.

"Hey. Tomorrow we'll catch Kira. Everything will be alright."

Light hissed out a breath, nodding, counting the small beauty marks on L's chest, faint and barely visible but still there.

"I know we said we wouldn't be too lovey-dovey, but... I love you."

L squeezed Light, and in that moment, he never wanted to let go. A pressure welled in the back of his eyes as he hugged Light closer. 

"I love you too."

* * *

_"Then it's the end for Higuchi."_

"What? You know that it's him?" Light blurted out before he could stop himself.

L had to stop himself from snorting into his cake, burying his face in his hands. Light pursed his lips, hissing out a breath as even Namikawa taunted him for his rash actions. L spooned more cake into his mouth. _Yikes, Light, even Misa wouldn't fall for that trap_.

"Namikawa is pretty smart, huh? But then, I always thought he was, from looking at his face."

Oh, right. Misa was actually there. L just couldn't resist the teasing smile playing at his lips.

"No, that's just because Light messed up."

She giggled and he had to admit that maybe she wasn't as bad as he thought... in a 'so bad that you're fascinating' sort of way, at least.

Light shot him a look and L blinked innocently, the fork dangling from his lips. Ignoring him, Light continued discussing the plan while L watched him, a thumb touching his lips. It was hard to imagine this case solved in just a couple of hours. Could it really be done? So many hours of preparation for this night... tying off all of the loose ends to so many contingencies... it didn't feel real. It wouldn't be real until L had Kira in front of him, ready to be asked whatever.

L switched on the tv to Sakura station, watching the proceedings apprehensively. So far, so good... but the night was still young.

The frost covering fell as planned. Good, good.

L held his breath, hoping he and Light were right about Higuchi not being like the Second Kira.

After a minute or so though, Matsuda was still alive. Light deflated next to him in relief. All of L's nerves were jumping, unable to focus and come down from their high. Yes. Everything was going as it should. Which meant that pretty soon...

Misa's phone rang. Higuchi trying to find out Matsuda's real name.

L clenched the handle of his mug, his eyes large. Of course that'd be Higuchi's next course of action. At this point, Higuchi must've been panicking. So if his and Light's deductions were correct...

Soichiro's voice cut through the monitor.

"Ryuzaki, Mogi's in position in front of Yoshida Productions. He just received a call from Higuchi."

L's heart raced, the promise of a chase, the end of this game, making his fingers twitch.

"Yes. It's time for phase two. Everything's as planned."

Higuchi's voice sounded strained, on the verge of cracking. L smirked.

" _Do you know if Misa's former manager was an entertainer at some point?_ " Higuchi demanded.

" _Come again?"_ Mogi asked.

_"I'm talking about Taro Matsui!"_

_"Oh! I was only recently hired, so I don't know much about him. If you need some information, I can let you talk to someone from the office! I just remembered, everyone's in Okinawa at the moment. You could try calling the president though!"_

Light leaned forward, his arm brushing L's and sending a thrill up his spine.

"This is going exactly as I planned. It's almost scary," Light murmured.

"You shouldn't be scared, Light. You should be happy."

Although, if L were being honest, he had his own reservations. He didn't believe perfection existed, and the way all of the pieces were falling into place were so convenient.

With every second that passed and every sentence that slipped through Higuchi's lips, he sounded more and more panicked. L wiggled his toes, his body needing some sort of motion to stave off the adrenaline. God, he hated being cooped up in the investigation room!

Higuchi's car revved up, speeding to the Yoshida office building to find Matsuda's real name. Wedy followed behind. L and Light straightened, glancing at each other apprehensively. Now that they had visual, it felt real. Like they were finally part of the action rather than watching it from afar. What L wouldn't give to hold Light's hand right now... Misa did it instead and he couldn't help but glower.

"Light, please put Higuchi's car on audio channel 1. Sakura TV on channel 2."

"He's watching every minute of this from his car," Light said smugly, grinning determinedly. It was infectious.

L chewed on the banana, watching Matsuda taunt, tease and bide his time. Well. If there was anything the young officer was good at, it was getting under peoples' skins. They couldn't have asked for a better bait.

" _Rem, what do you think?_ "

Both L and Light froze, eyes snapping towards the monitor hidden in Higuchi's car. Light's brow quirked.

"Rem? Who's that?... There's no one else in that car, right? He can't be using his cellphone... could it be a hidden radio?"

L's eyes darted. Rem, Rem, Rem, Rem... who was Rem? He swallowed the banana piece, the hairs on the back of his neck standing.

"No. There aren't any radios or other devices."

" _Do you think I'll get to Yoshida Productions only to find his file isn't there?_ "

L's breath caught. What- what was happening? Light looked thoroughly unsettled, biting at his lip.

"Is he talking to himself?" Light mused.

" _If this guy was smart, he'd destroy everything connected to his real name before he appeared on TV._ "

This wasn't good. L's grip on his knees tightened. This. Wasn't. Good.

" _And don't you think it's a little reckless of Yoshida Productions to let me into their office unsupervised?_ "

 _Fuck_. L shrank, his mind already racing to figure out what to do. It didn't make sense! Who... Rem?

"This isn't sounding very good," Misa commented.

For once, L agreed with the girl. If Rem was real, then that meant a huge variable that they hadn't accounted for. If she wasn't, then that meant Higuchi was insane and dangerous. Unpredictable. L wrinkled his nose. No. It wouldn't do to panic. Not after they'd come so far.

"He'll still go there. Don't you worry," L replied tensely. _He has to_.

This man... was having a conversation with the air. A full conversation with pauses and responses. _Jesus, is Higuchi really that barmy_? L touched a thumb to his lips, noticing that Light had crossed the line from unsettled to downright disturbed.

_"Oh yeah. Rem, I didn't think you were so smart."_

_Oh, so 'Rem''s smart now_? L narrowed his eyes.

Light slammed his hands on the table.

"There's no way he can be talking to himself! But who's Rem?! Who's he talking to?!"

"If he's talking with someone right now, it could be... a Shinigami... perhaps."

The likelihood was low. L shook his head. He refused to believe that such things existed. Yet... it would explain a lot. Could it really be?... He was beginning to think it more and more.

"He's arrived at Yoshida Productions." Light sighed.

"The show's about to begin." L's lips tugged up.

Light rolled his eyes dramatically, eyes sparking warmly. They stared at the monitor, every moment moving at an agonizingly slow pace, even with Higuchi running towards the building.

It was so quiet that it was almost a crime.

Months of work.

A surge in his sleep paralysis.

Pills.

Purging.

For one moment. For the action of a single man.

Was L even breathing?

"Now, Kira, how do you kill? Show me!"

L needed to know. He needed it more than breathing, more than those pills. He squirmed in his chair, ready to have knowledge humans should never possess. Higuchi wrote something in a notebook. L scooted forward anxiously, waiting.

_Show me. I need to know._

_Show me._

_Show me._

_Show me._

_Show me._

_Show me_.

Higuchi left.

Just like that, Higuchi left. L faltered. Light rose to his feet, outraged.

"He's not doing it! He just made a note of his name before leaving! So... he's not going to kill him here?!"

N-no... of course Higuchi would kill him there! L blanched, his systems tripping. What- More waiting. Higuchi was just sitting in his car! Why did Higuchi look so calm? L tried to stave off the disappointment. The frustration. This was supposed to be the big moment! The big reveal!

" ** _Damn! He didn't die!_** " Higuchi roared furiously.

What...

L exhaled harshly, his nails digging into his knees. He didn't understand! How did Higuchi kill? **_How_**? Did he already try to kill Matsuda? What was the missing piece?! Could Kira's powers just be mental? How the Hell was he supposed to gather evidence if that was the case?!

" _Rem. Let's make the deal._ "

... Deal?

"The deal? Who's this Rem he keeps talking to? Could Kira's power come from another world or some being?" Light breathed.

L swallowed thickly, looking at Light from the corner of his eyes. His Light.

"I really don't want to think that's the case." L murmured.

Another being meant more agendas. More agendas meant L had less of a chance to protect the other. Although... he supposed that Light's protection had been little more than an illusion this whole time. Light blinked, meeting his eyes meaningfully.

"Then what is this Rem?"

"... A Shinigami?"

Oh God, Higuchi was stopped by a traffic cop. Everything was going wrong so fast.

"Switch all cameras to Higuchi's car!"

L's nostrils flared. Higuchi reached into his bag and sped away just as quickly. L felt like pulling at his hair. What was going on? Mogi's loud voice blared through the speakers.

"That motorcycle cop just rear-ended that truck! He's dead!"

"By dead?! By accident?!" Light exclaimed.

"This is very bad," L whispered.

All he did was put his hand in his bag! How did he get the cop's name? How was this mission, which was supposed to reveal answers, end up just producing a million more?

"Rem. A deal," Light said thoughtfully.

L was so lost in thought that he almost missed Light's deduction.

"Everyone! It's too dangerous to allow further action by Higuchi! Let's bring him in! I believe he has the same powers as the second Kira! He's able to kill just by looking at someone's face. Please keep that in mind when you move to arrest him."

Yes. Light must've been right. This deal must've been connected to the Second Kira!

"Watari. Connect me to the director of the NPA."

They had to arrest Higuchi. They had to- there were so many things they had to do. Light leaned towards the screen.

"Alright, Dad. During the next commercial, take measure seven."

" _Understood_."

Enough of this. L chewed on his lip.

"What say you, Light? Should we go join the fun as well?" There was a hint of cordiality and playfulness in his voice.

Light's lips twitched ever so slightly. Another one of their strange dates? L had to stop himself from smiling, and had to stop it further when he chained Misa.

"I'm sorry I have to do this, Misa," _I'm really not. This is extremely satisfying_.

L glanced at Light.

"Let's go."

* * *

They paused on the helipad, the copter already ready to go. Watari was putting together a rifle, not paying them any mind. Smirking, L pulled Light into a deep kiss, the wind from the copter's blades making his hair bounce. Light yelped, eyes flashing towards Watari, who simply rolled his eyes. L chuckled.

"He knows. I just wanted to surprise you."

Oh. Laughing softly, Light rested his arms around L's waist, looking at those sharp features, his heart quickening.

"You know how to fly a helicopter?" Light purred.

Winking, L slowly dragged his fingertips up Light's front.

"I'm a man of many talents."

"You sure are," Light growled lowly, nipping at the other's lip, tasting the fruit and coffee L had had earlier. Holding hands, they raced to the helicopter, stealing glances at each other as the machine lifted off the ground. Light looked down from the window in awe. He'd never been in a helicopter before! Tokyo looked so small, the colors and lights blending together to form a truly beautiful picture.

L observed his lover out of the corner of his eye. He adored that look on Light's face...

The helicopter flew and Light's father grunted at the other end of the coms. He'd been shot! L's eyes went down to the controls. It wasn't over yet! They'd catch Higuchi. Still, he could tell Light was on the verge of hyperventilation, struggling to stay calm.

"We'll catch him. Mr. Yagami will be alright," L tried comforting.

Light shifted, smiling gratefully at the attempt.

Higuchi was driving like a madman, swerving and threatening to crash into other vehicles. It was chaotic, sending a rush through L's spine as Kira broke off onto a deserted road, speeding down at an unheard of velocity. L tilted the helicopter in the same direction and gasped. A police blockade stood in the distance, about a dozen cars scattered, their lights flashing and sirens wailing. Light sat straighter in awe.

"I thought the police weren't supposed to get involved in the arrest! So does that mean..."

 _Aizawa. Maybe even Ide_.

Higuchi's car spun to a screeching halt, leaving tire tracks in its wake. L moved the helicopter downwards, his pulse thundering in his ears. Higuchi flew for a free spot, his wheels producing a cloud of smoke as he tried making his escape. Without missing a beat, Watari aimed his weapon at the tire, blowing it right off the axle and sending the machine careening into a wall, glass shattering and smoke rising from the engine. The crash was so loud that L could hear it over the whirring of the copter's blades. L was biting so hard on his lip that he could taste blood. A million headlights were trained on the vibrant red of the sports car, making it practically glow in the dark, highlighting the man inside. He squinted against the brightness, scowling darkly.

Higuchi.

Kira.

Light stared out the window, his expression unreadable.

"It's over," he breathed.

L's fingers trembled. Was it really?

"Yes. It's over."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :D


	16. Revival

"We did it," Light whispered in a disbelieving laugh.

L was still in shock and yelped when Light pulled his face towards him and practically smashed their lips together. Blinking, L beamed, framing his lover's face. He gave a tight smile. He'd really wanted to see how Higuchi killed, but... at least they had him. He could figure it out when they had the man locked up-

Soichiro screamed, falling on the ground. Light's eyes snapped in his father's direction, eyes wide and worried.

"Dad!"

L stiffened, a foreboding feeling in his chest.

"What is it, Mr. Yagami?!"

"I-it's a monster!" Soichiro yelled.

Light's eyes flashed in alarm. He leaned forward, obviously wanting to rush and comfort his father. Mogi was next to tumble to the ground, shrieking about a monster. L's eyes popped, his heart racing.

"Mr. Yagami? Mogi? What's happening?"

"I-I think it's this notebook," Mogi choked in awe, "anyone who touches it sees this-this... _monster."_

Monster? A Shinigami? L held his breath, not even daring to exhale. Could they really be real? Just the thought made his toes flex in excitement and intrigue.

"Please bring the notebook to the helicopter."

He needed to see it for himself. Something beyond death that should never reach human comprehension... Mogi grunted, struggling to bring an inconspicuous little book to the copter. L stared at for a second, his brow furrowed. Really? That little thing? It was hard to believe...

"Here it is, Ryuzaki."

L slowly took it in between his fingers. The cover was smooth and cool.

He wasn't even sure if he blinked... L rotated, his heart dropping down to his stomach.

There it was.

Tall and bony with purple ringlet hair hanging around its white face. It looked down at the policemen, unintimidated. L's mouth fell open, everything in his body seeming to stop.

"It really is a Shinigami... they really do... exist," his voice sounded small and in awe, so different than it usually was. But L couldn't help it. He was staring at something that should be impossible. That all logic dictated couldn't be real.

And yet. There it was. A Shinigami.

Light's voice was distant, without any shape or form to his words as L kept staring at the being. Unworldly. He'd caught Kira. L finally did it...

Wait... Light Yagami was Kira, but there was a Second Kira... Aoyama... show our Shinigami to each other... L's eyes widened. His grip on the notebook loosened in shock at the realization.

 _Two notebooks. There are two notebooks. Possibly more_.

Light was saying something, but L couldn't hear him. It felt like someone had kicked him in the chest. This wasn't over yet! Somewhere out there- his eyes slid down to his fingers, stiffening in surprise. He wasn't holding the notebook anymore?

L froze, the sounds of the helicopter loud in his ears.

 _No_.

He slowly turned his head, his limbs numb.

Light was holding it, staring forward with a shocked expression, his mouth open. L's breath caught. _No_... L leaned forward, his mouth opening slightly to ask if Light was okay. But then... Light screamed. L reeled back, his eyes instantly welling.

It was a guttural shriek... like someone being horrifically murdered, burned alive... like Light was dying.

Fear stabbed at L's heart. It just seemed to go on and on forever, Light's head tipped back in pain and terror.

"Light!"

His yell was drowned out by the sound ripping from the other's throat. L's insides shattered, a deep grief overwhelming him. _Light._..

As soon as it had started, Light pitched forward, breathing heavily. L swallowed, the hairs on the back of his neck standing. His grip on his knees tightened. He knew. Deep in his stomach, he knew, but... L's nostrils flared. It couldn't be true.

"Uh... are you okay, Light? I- suppose seeing that monster would surprise anyone."

Light's back was to him, hiding his face. _Turn around. Just let me see your face._

"Ryuzaki-"

Hope fluttered in L's chest.

"What is it?"

"I want to check this out. I'm going to try comparing the names written in this notebook with the names of the victims."

The hope dashed. L stared at the other's back dejectedly.

"Oh. Right. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea."

L's eyes narrowed. Kira. Light was Kira again. It felt like a part of L had been slashed and destroyed. Half of his heart gone in a second. _How could I have been so stupid_? He watched them handcuff Higuchi, his throat dry.

"Take Higuchi to the car."

Beside him, Light's heart was pounding. He was Kira. He was a god meant for great things. But first things first. Light needed full ownership of the note. He pulled at the little knob on his watch, a thrill shooting up his spine when the compartment shot out. Old habits really did die hard. He barely noticed the sting to his finger, but saw the bright crimson red. A god's blood. Higuchi would be killed directly by God. Lucky him. Adrenaline coursed through Light's veins, his heart beating in time with his watch, every second crawling by.

His pupils dilated, feeling the rush. The ownership. He truly was divine... Higuchi gagged, losing his balance and choking as he scrabbled at his heart.

L drew in a sharp breath. Light must've killed him!... Right? He- L stared.

"W-What's happening?" Light cried out.

All of the voices sounded distant to L, background white noise. The only thing he could focus on were Higuchi's eyes, stuck open and staring at the sky, slumped in Soichiro's grip.

"There's nothing I can do. He's... dead..." Soichiro said softly.

Dead. Higuchi was dead.

 _Am I next_?

He felt Light's eyes on him, seeing right through him. L shuddered, his eyes slipping shut.

* * *

L carefully balanced the tower of empty creamers, looking through the warped plastic. He was acutely aware of the Shinigami behind him, standing quiet and menacingly. He shivered, carefully placing the next cup as Aizawa read off the rules of this... this death note...

"The human who's name is written down in this death note shall die..."

He prattled on, each rule earning a gasp from the investigators. L's brow quirked. What got them so worked up? The idea that such a weapon existed? Lately, his entire perception of reality had changed. What more was a killer notebook?

"If you make this note unusable by tearing it or burning it, all the humans who have touched the note until then will die."

L wanted to laugh at that. It was so obviously fake. He pursed his lips, carefully adding another creamer. It was a smart move. If the rule was fake, it guaranteed the notebook's safety... he would've done the same if he was in Light's position.

"According to these instructions in the back of the notebook... if the person using the note fails to consecutively write names of people to be killed within 13 days, then the user will die."

Now that was interesting.

"Wait a minute! If that's true, then that means Misa-Misa and Light have been cleared!" Matsuda exclaimed.

L exhaled softly. Of course. How brilliant. Light did it.

"Yeah, now that you mention it, Light and Misa were detained for more than 50 days and are still under surveillance. If either of them were Kira, there's no way they'd be alive right now!"

L felt like a fool. Like a fucking idiot. He'd played right into Light's hands, gave him this victory on a silver platter. How pathetic of him. He'd been humiliated.

"Rem, was it? That's your name, isn't it? The white thing over there?"

He was done with being cordial or afraid of the Shinigami. L didn't like feeling duped. It was a rotten, shameful feeling mixing with the sadness already swirling in his chest.

"What do you want?"

"There's more than one notebook in the human realm, isn't there?"

"Who knows. There may be or there may not be."

So Light managed to get a Shinigami on his side. L idly wondered how he managed to do that. What could a god of death possibly want?

"If there are other notebooks, would they all have the same rules as this one?"

"Yes. They're all the same. There are many notebooks in the Shinigami Realm, but they all have the same rules. Even the rules for when humans obtain them."

Hm. That sounded true. All the best lies had fragments of the truth.

"Ryuzaki! Ms Amane and Light have both been cleared of suspicion. They shouldn't be under surveillance any longer."

L's heart skipped nervously. They were all turning on him, demanding that he free Light. He didn't want to. L wanted to snarl for them to leave him alone, but... Light had backed him into a corner... he had no choice.

"I suppose you're right," he murmured softly.

Lost the game. Lost his Light. Lost the respect and say in the investigation. L's eyes went distant watching Misa on the monitor. Perhaps it was impossible for him to win.

"I understand. Please accept my apology for all the trouble."

L felt small. Bested and defeated.

"-is it okay if I keep investigating with you without the handcuffs?" Light asked, his voice dripping a venomous honey.

"Yes."

L's bangs slid in front of his eyes.

He excused himself, unlocking the handcuffs. Light rubbed at his wrists in awe. L was acutely aware of Light's eyes on his back, watching him trudge up the stairs. L slowly walked through the hallway, hanging his head.

He was numb.

Watari intercepted him and L forced his gaze upwards to his mentor. The old man's eyes were shining worriedly.

"I take it Light-"

"Yes. He's Kira again. Make preparations in the event of either of us..."

"...I understand."

L nodded, starting to move for his apartment again. Watari took a step towards him.

"Are you alright?"

He hunched his shoulders.

"I'm fine," L growled, "Light is Kira and I made it my goal to deliver Kira's head on a silver plate."

"Ryuzaki..."

Without looking at him again, L picked up his speed. He was tired. Worn out and used. Stepping into his room, he let out a shaky sigh, trying to regain his composure. It felt so large and empty now without Light. He slumped in one of the chairs, staring at the ground. There was a pain so intense in his chest that he thought for a second that he was having a heart attack. Why couldn't he find someone to love? After so long of wondering what love even was... it came and he'd never felt happier in his life. 

L wasn't sure how long he was like that, curled up on his side and shuddering. It was strange. It all felt so painful and horrible, but he just felt numb. L wasn't crying or yelling. He shrank, both tired and unable to sleep. His promise to Light flashed in his brain... ugh, he couldn't even think about that right now...

There was a knock on his door.

L forced himself to his feet, his body creaking with the effort. He was about to tell the person to bugger off. His lips twitched in an already forming snarl. Opening the door, his breath caught. Light stood on the other side, staring at him. L's throat closed on him.

"Oh. Light. Hello... what are you doing here? I would've assumed that you went to go stay with your family... it's been a long time since you've spent the night home."

Light leaned against the doorway, flashing a brilliant smile. He looked the same, but so different. His eyes were a darker amber, his face more angular and something cruel in his eyes. L shifted, trying to ignore the look. He exhaled slowly, shivering. 

"Do you want me to go home?" Light purred.

L looked up to see a deep lust and hunger permeating Light's gaze. He went slack, staring at the expression, his heart pounding. 

He didn't know what he was doing... maybe he felt so hollow and empty that he just needed something, anything. L pulled Light's face into a deep kiss, the other shoving his tongue into his mouth and exploring the inside of L's cheeks. L moaned, his fingers tangling themselves in Light's locks. Light, no, Kira, was passing his hands over L's back, his sides, reaching lower and cusping his ass. He was vaguely aware of Light walking them backwards.

L heard Light close the door behind them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :D!


	17. Dance with the Devil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Kind of dubious consent

The kiss was heated, Light's teeth nipping at his bottom lip and leaving the room in a blurry haze. L pulled away slightly, examining the man in front of him. He hadn't realized he spoke until the words were slipping out of his lips.

"You're not Light..."

Light's eyes sparked in rage. He stiffened, sniffing, his nostrils flared.

"What are you talking about, Ryuzaki? It's me."

But he moved to the mirror, running a hand through his chestnut hair. L slowly sat on the bed, watching his once-lover in the mirror. He drew up his knees defensively.

"Is it though? Because it seems like Light and Kira are quite different."

"Well I'm not Kira," he snapped. Light paused, adjusting his suit in the mirror, running a finger over the tie. He looked at L, his brow quirked, "although... _if_ I were Kira, would anything between us really change?"

L stiffened, glaring up at him from the bed, hugging his knees.

"What?"

Light swept forward, gently taking L's hand. L's nostrils flared, but he followed along, slowly standing from the bed and looking up at sharp eyes. Was the color darker than it was before? More devilish? Light smiled, softly touching the other's chin. L had the strongest urge to both recoil and lean into the feeling.

" _If_ I were Kira, would I not still woo you?"

Almost as if proving his point, he started pulling L into a misshapen dance, no real rhythm to it, but still enough to make L's heart pound. Moonlight filtered through the curtains, illuminating them in a low glow. Light hummed, swaying their hips together, filling L's brain with fog. He could feel Kira's cock through his pants, already hard... L was getting hard too, the familiar feeling sending his brain spiraling into confusion. Light's lips ghosted down the side of L's neck, impossibly soft. A low whine left his throat, his knees buckling. Before he could even register it, L's back was pressed against the wall, the coolness of it seeping through his shirt and making goosebumps pepper his skin. Light's lips hovered over L's. His voice was dripping like honey, worming into L's ear.

"If I were Kira, would my kisses not thrill you? Or... would they thrill you more?"

L whimpered quietly, his eyes slipping shut as Light's hand slid over his throat, not applying pressure, but staying there, a weight.

"What a pair we make, hm? Seeking safety yet _craving_ danger..." Light squeezed ever so gently. Not enough to hurt, but enough to make L gasp, "I suppose it's expected given you've stared into death before. The endless void. Met its face... except... you found it _intoxicating_. You find death intriguing. After all-" His finger dug, stinging L's skin. L moaned, his mouth falling open, "death is the only thing you can't understand. Oh, no. Ryuzaki must know everything, must be as knowledgeable about the world as is possible. And it frustrates you that there's a mystery you can't solve. And that there's a person who has such a deep connection to death that it's comparable to a god."

Light leaned in, taking L's earlobe between his teeth.

"I'm sure that fucking Kira would be a dream for you. Just to have an ounce of an understanding of death."

L gaped, trying to form words, but he couldn't. His heart hammered, adrenaline shooting to his fingertips. Light chuckled darkly.

"It's a shame I'm not Kira," he purred, catching L's lips.

L glared at him, hating himself for enjoying this. _I'm betraying Light... my Light_. And yet, it felt like he couldn't stop, like every slide of the other's tongue made his knees weak.

"Light," L sighed, combing his fingers through the other's hair.

Light's eyes were serpentine, triumphant. L never let it show on his face... but the look scared him. It scared him that someone so kind and tender who he loved could look like this.

Growling, Light grasped L's arms, practically throwing him onto the bed and on him in an instant, kisses furious and consuming.

Everything about him was consuming.

That was an easily discernible difference.

Light's kisses always seemed to breath life into L. Kira's took and took, stealing his breath, heart and moans. With every kiss, L could feel himself becoming more and more hollow.

L threw his head against the pillow, gulping in air. Light's lips never stopped, attaching to his neck and sucking harshly. It stole his breath and L wondered for a second if this really would kill him. Teeth sank into his skin and L yelped, violently scratching his nails down Light's back. His hands groped Light, never stopping for a moment even as he felt the teeth in his skin. There was something alluring about the other's body, the way the toned muscles moved and shifted.

Light practically tore off his shirt, crawling over L, slowly and predatorily, his expression hungry. L's nostrils flared, the heat in his blood unbearable. He needed him. It didn't matter if this was Kira right now... L needed him. Craning his neck upwards, L smashed their lips together, groaning. Light's lips curled into the kiss and he rolled up L's shirt, easily tossing it to the side. He looked down with dilated pupils. That look... like L wasn't a person. Just a thing.

"On your stomach," Light growled huskily.

He swallowed thickly, but obeyed, rolling onto his stomach.

L gasped as his face was crushed into the pillow, tight fingers gripping into his hair. L faltered... he recognized this... this possessiveness. A way of saying _'you belong to me. I own you._ '... he'd recognize it anywhere... L blinked, screwing his eyes shut, a deep pain and sadness welling in his chest.

His Light. He wanted his Light.

But... this was still Light, right? Every touch still sent fire through L's veins. All of those features were the same... _until I have you back, I'll have this clone._ L didn't have a choice. He could tell that he was grieving, willing to take Light in any way, shape or form that he could... he just needed him... he needed to drown and disappear. Just for a night. When Light started riding down the other's jeans, L arched his back, whining.

"Light," he rasped desperately, gripping the bedsheets tightly.

Light nipped at his shoulder and L could practically feel the cruel smile on those lips.

"Say my name again," Light murmured, rolling his hips against L's.

L rested the side of his face onto the pillow, staring at the mattress. The hand in his hair dug towards his scalp.

"Light," he breathed, and he wasn't sure if it was a moan or a plea.

He inhaled sharply feeling Light's fingers running along his rim, plunging inside. L's chest heaved, sorrow mixing with pleasure until he had no idea what he was feeling. Maybe this really was some twisted form of grief.

"Beg for it," Light's voice rose an octave.

L squirmed as Light stretched him, running along his walls, the message clear. _No one else gets to do this to you. You're mine._ _ **Mine**_.

"Please," L's voice was strained, his erection weeping and all of his senses numb, "... please fuck me."

Without another word to L, Light lined himself and pushed in, groaning. L's arms gave out and he slumped, his first half flat on the bed, his hips raised slightly to give Light access. L sighed, his knuckles white with how hard he gripped the sheets. His jaw dropped, his entire body pitching forward as Light sank to the hilt, draping over L's back, pressing down.

"Fuck, this feels amazing," Light hissed through gritted teeth.

L ground his hips, making Light growl with desire.

"... Fuck me."

"Hm. Whatever you want," Light purred, jerking his hips.

L's voice caught. It'd been sudden and rough, each movement making him twist and writhe, his toes curling. Light grunted, bucking his hips.

"Ah, ah ahh."

The sound of skin slapping skin filled the air, sweat glistening on both of their skins. L moaned, struggling to meet Light's thrusts, grinding his own hips in time. It became a desperate rut, Light's fingers leaving dark bruises along L's body, pressing his face into the pillow. With a roar, Light came, tightly pulling L's shoulder back as his hips jutted forward. L's head dipped back, his neck craning as he came too on the sheets, the mess cold against his abdomen. In that moment, he could almost pretend he was making love to Light, his brain muddled with static and barely working.

Light slumped, breathing heavily, both hands planted on either side of L's face. His eyes slid in the direction of those elegant, beautiful hands, the nails red from gripping. L expected him to say or do something, but Light simply pulled out and rolled onto his back, humming with a certain satisfied energy. L stayed in his position, his muscles refusing to move.

His come was still slathered against his abdomen... sticky and cold. Light's still dripped from his hole. L's brow furrowed, feeling... strange.

He felt used.

Used and dirty. L shivered, wincing with every shift of his muscles.

He didn't expect when Light gently, almost tenderly pulled him into his body heat. L froze, his ear pressed against the other's chest. L's own heart fluttered in uncertainty as he stared at the rise and fall of Light's breathing.

Light kissed the top of his head. It was a mechanical action with no real emotion behind it. Maybe that same possessiveness, but that was about it. L swallowed, a deep and almost existential sadness assaulting his system. His fingers ghosted over Light's sternum longingly.

"I love you." L whispered.

"I know," Light assured, stroking down L's back.

L shuddered. No. It was more like a pet. Light was petting him. He craned his neck upwards to see Light staring straight ahead, not even glancing down at him. L rested his cheek on the other's chest, feeling cold and shriveled up.

"I'll-... be right back." L breathed.

Light shrugged, turning on his side, his back to L. L just stared at it, the familiar muscles and even some healing scratches from the last time they had sex. Shaking his head, he stumbled numbly into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

L froze, his eyes flashing in alarm when he looked in the mirror. There was a large and ugly bite-mark on his shoulder. A brand, locking him to Light. He swayed, suddenly not sure what to do... sliding to the ground, L buried his face into his knees, giving a quiet sob. He covered his mouth with a shaking hand, trying to muffle the sounds as best as possible. Leaning back against the door, he heaved, his vision swimming and his lungs needing air. His body didn't feel... good...

"Light..."

Saying his name only seemed to make the tears fall harder until L was clawing at his throat, his shoulders hunched and everything in his body crashing. He had to get back out there... L covered his ears, his throat closed on him. He wheezed, trying to get it under control. L couldn't afford to break down. He sucked in a breath, biting down on his thumb.

Scrambling for the mirror, he threw it open and grabbed the pills, downing four. It didn't feel like enough... he shuddered, quickly putting them back and taking a step away.

It was working... they were calming him down... making feel sleepy. He violently swiped at the tears on his cheeks, holding onto the counter for support. Shivering, he went back to the room, curling up against Light's back.

"Goodnight," L whispered.

"Mhm," came the sleepy reply.

Sighing, L buried his nose into tan skin, inhaling the scent of sweat and sex. The pills helped him fall asleep.

It must've been a few hours, but he woke up... his breath caught. _Oh God, please not now. Please don't do this now. I can't, I really can't_ \- his body was frozen. Out of the corner of L's eye, he caught movement. A creature with slimy black skin slunk along the walls, exuding and evil and dangerous aura. L blinked, his heart racing. It stretched down, watching him with ruby red eyes, a long clawed hand reaching for L's face, giving a smile with teeth as long as his forearm. L panicked, all of his systems crashing in fear. He tried to scream, but he couldn't. L squeezed his eyes shut, whimpering.

Light's eyes fluttered open. Turning on his side, he watched the other's back rise and fall in panicked breaths. Wasn't he... supposed to comfort him? No, those were someone else's memories. Like a shard of glass from a mirror. He shook his head, closing his eyes and preparing to fall asleep again. But L wouldn't stop making those terrified sounds... Light hesitantly reached forward, a part of him urging, no, needing him to hug the other and spoon him and press small kisses to his nape. _Just the way he likes it_. Light caught a gentle smile almost spreading up his lips. His fingers were inches away from L's sleeve... _hug him. Tell him it'll be alright._

 _You love him_.

That made Light quickly withdraw his hand. He didn't love L. Love was a weak distraction from what was really important. He curled up, silently observing L's back. The muffled screams and whimpers.

It was just sleep paralysis. It wasn't like L's life was in danger. And-and even if it was, Light wouldn't care. He forced himself to turn around, his back facing L's. He stared into the darkness, something in his mind chastising him, hating him. Light massaged his temple. Why did he feel so... fractured? Like there was someone else living in his brain? 

L. It was all L's fault. Before this- this relationship, he was whole. He didn't have any questions about his purpose or these distractions. _I hate Ryuzaki. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!_ Anger boiled in Light's stomach, mixing with the confusion.

L's sounds quieted and soon the room was silent. As if nothing had happened. Light's moth was dry. Twisting his neck, he saw L's pristine, sharp features, eyes moving fearfully under his eyelids. Light's mouth twitched in disgust. Disgust at himself, at the beautiful- no, ugly!- man sleeping beside him.

_You love him!_

_Shut up!_

_You love him!_

_I want to rip you out of my head!_

_**We love him**!_

_I hate him!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :D!


	18. Split

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: evidence of physical abuse through sex. This warning is just relevant for this chap and the next.
> 
> Also, if you ever don't want to read a chap due to the tags, ask in a comment and I'll just give a brief summary about what happened/relevant information :). This goes for future chaps as well, just thought I'd mention it :).

L panted. The sex was rough and possessive. He'd never given the term 'hate-fucking' any thought, but he realized that that's what it was. Light plunging and pounding, hands around L's throat until spots invaded his vision, teeth in his neck and shoulder, always leaving L wondering if the other would bite off his throat. Light would bark out profanities, call L a little whore. His little whore. It'd been a few days and it was the same every night. Brutal and painful, splitting L in half. L couldn't decide if he loved or hated it... maybe a little of both.

He lay on his side, watching Light sleep. In the moonlight, L's eyes almost glowed silver. He knew the pressure points of the body well, all of its little intricacies. A few quick, almost painless jabs... that's all it'd take... L's promise swirled in his brain, the way Light clung to him, terrified and pleading. L closed his eyes. He was fucking the very creature his love had wanted dead... how ironic. L scooted closer, his fingers twitching in anticipation. It could all be over soon-

The clock rang. He quickly moved back, his heart pounding. Light groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"What time is it?" He slurred.

L could still do it... doing it now would just mean having to look into Light's eyes as the life drained out of him... L faltered, his voice quiet.

"Midnight. October 31st."

He rolled away from Light, deflating.

He couldn't do it.

 _I'm sorry, Light_.

His birthday. Holy shit, he was turning 25. Did he ever thing he'd make it? Sometimes he hadn't. L's eyes went distant. 25 years of living... L turned on his side, his heart pounding. He knew that between now and when it was time for breakfast, he'd have another sleep paralysis episode.

What was the point in trying to stop them?

He didn't bother trying to whimper for help when eels slid around him, slimy and cold, squeezing his chest. L simply closed his eyes, accepting them. The disturbing feeling of them burrowing under his skin. The quiet hissing they made as L imagined them slipping into his ear and down the channel.

It made him sick to his stomach, but he was almost too exhausted to be afraid.

L squeezed his eyes, trying to stave off the raw terror. The episodes hadn't been as frequent... for a while, it seemed like they'd stopped altogether. _I guess all good things must come to an end._

* * *

The next morning, Watari was in the kitchen eating breakfast. He heard trudging footsteps and looked up to see L lumbering in, a blanket wrapped around him all the way up to his chin. He shuffled forward and the first thing that Watari noticed was that L was limping. Badly. He seemed to have trouble staying upright, hobbling with a wince. Watari stared.

"Ryuzaki?"

"What?" L snapped.

Watari was about to ask, when Light followed behind. The older man clamped his jaw, glaring at the younger one.

Light knew Watari was watching. He flashed him a sly smirk, slinking up to L, who was trying to get a few pastries together. Light made a show of wrapping an arm around L's shoulders, leaning into the other. The other winced in pain, but didn't say anything, just kept pouring syrup onto his pancakes. Watari stiffened, eyes steely and dangerous. Light met them almost tauntingly, kissing the top of L's head.

**Mine.**

Subtly, Light tugged the blanket down ever so slightly, exposing just enough of one of the dark bruises on L's neck to softly kiss, the exposed area not visible for Watari. Feeling Light's lips on the delicate area almost made L cry out in pain. He used the counter to support himself, the skin tender and fresh, making him shake. L sidled away from Light's grip as the other spoke.

"Hey Ryuzaki, I'm making some coffee. You take 10 sugars, right?"

"... Right."

Light moved to the other end of the counter, getting the two coffees. He liked his black, without... a single... he stared at his cup, a strange buzzing in his skull. Wait, in the past few months he'd taken the habit of having his coffee with three sugars... no, that wasn't him... _yes it is_.

_You again. Go away, I'm having it black._

_Black's overrated._

There was a headache brewing at the base of his skull. Light rolled his head, his eyes scrunched.

 _Yeah, well, get out of my head_.

_It's my head! How dare you use my body! **How dare you hurt Ryuzaki! You're physically hurting him! LEAVE HIM ALONE!**_

What the Hell? Light's vision swam. Shivering, he decided to just toss out his coffee, bringing over L's, dazed and unsure.

L noticed the change in Light's behavior, blinking as he took the cup.

"Are you okay?" He asked cautiously.

"Uh... yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I'll head to the investigation room."

Light walked out briskly. L watched after him curiously, the gears turning in his head. Watari scanned L, his voice soft.

"How um, how have things been?"

L shrank, looking at his mentor with wide eyes.

"I'm... I'm okay."

Watari wrung his fingers quietly.

"Are you... in pain?"

L hesitated, looking at the old man out of the corner of his eye. He didn't say anything as he sipped at his coffee. He was. His entire lower half was on fire. Taking the coffee between his hands, he stalked past Watari.

"No."

Watari sighed heavily, shaking his head.

"L. Sit."

L whirled to face him hearing his name. He was pale... hadn't gotten any sleep even with the pills. After the eels had come shadow demons, and after those... quiet... unending, almost more terrifying quiet. Nodding, L sat across from the old man, unable to stop crying out in pain.

"Son. Look at me."

L didn't.

"L-"

"I don't need your help."

"... I never said you did. I just want to talk," Watari tried smiling, "do you want to take the day off? Come on, it's your birthday, we can do whatever you want."

L looked at his guardian with large, soulful eyes. Watari had to stop his own from misting. His boy looked so sad, torn and hurt. L's voice was a low mumble.

"I can't. I have a lot of work to do."

Watari's eyes flickered in disappointment. He clinked his nails against his own mug, smiling wistfully.

"Remember when you were younger and we'd go to the zoo on your birthday?"

L's cheeks went a bright red, a small smile creeping up his lips. He'd always liked animals. They didn't have ulterior motives like people.

"Yeah. That was always fun..."

Watari coughed under his breath.

"Quinn."

L almost dropped his coffee, heat rising up his neck. He yelped, his croissant slipping from his plate and bouncing against the floor. He was 16 the first time he saw Quinn working there and it'd been his first crush. He scoffed, crossing his arms.

"Oh please. He wasn't even gay."

Watari conceded with a dramatic sigh.

"True. But if I had to suffer entire trips of subtly following him around the entire zoo, then I reserve the right to tease."

L gave a genuine smile, the sight warming the older man's heart. For just a moment, everything was alright. L started scratching at his neck and gasped, jerking his hand away as if he'd been burnt, the bruises flaring. Instantly, the smile fell and he shifted, hugging the coffee closer to his chest. His eyes went distant and Watari felt like the other was slipping through his fingers. 

"He won. I followed Light's plan to a tee. Here I thought I was his rival, but... I was always just a pawn... I can't start going to zoos and neglecting my duties. I'm going to be late."

Watari sat back in his chair, looking like he'd been kicked. Still not looking at Watari, L limped out of the room.

There wasn't really anything to be late to. The book was being analyzed, but there was nothing. No evidence. The second notebook... it could be anywhere. As it was, it took months to find the trend in Yotsuba's stock. Who knew where that damn book was? _Light knows_. L groaned in frustration.

L swiveled his head to the monitor to see Misa in her room, packing her things. After months of living in the building, she'd acquired so much... it'd take days for her to fully be out. L sighed, stirring his coffee. Light went down to the lobby to say goodbye before she took off for work. L watched the exchange, the emotionless hug between them in front of the glass doors. It felt like there was something there with them... ever since he first saw Rem, he'd been looking at his surroundings differently, wondering if there were more Shinigami lurking just beyond his vision. He propped a thumb to his lips, shuddering.

Matsuda kept thinking that there'd be some way to get information out of Rem, but she stayed just as stoic as ever. L's brow quirked.

"Matsuda. If you could give Rem and me a moment alone together?"

He faltered, but nodded softly, already retreating from the investigation room. The rest of the task force was outside eating lunch. Rem looked at L, not bothering to hide the suspicion in her gaze. L watched her curiously.

"What made you come to our realm?"

"What?"

"You've mentioned before about a Shinigami Realm. Why come to ours? You don't seem to like it here."

Rem's eyes narrowed.

"Watch your tongue, Human. My reasons are my own."

"Hm. That is true..."

L tapped the side of his cup with his spoon thoughtfully.

"You mentioned Shinigami eyes can see lifespans, correct?"

"I will not tell you any of the lifespans I see. It goes against our rules. Besides, you've come into contact with the death note. That makes your lifespan fluid. You may still die in your intended moment, but now it may change depending on the actions you take."

L popped a candy into his mouth. He looked at her, his eyes large and interested to learn. He didn't have any animosity against her. Quite the contrary.

"Interesting. So my lifespan isn't set in stone. Was I supposed to die soon?"

"... Relatively."

A shiver passed over L's spine, hoping his lifespan was fluid enough to change that. He paused, the next questions heavy on his tongue.

"When a human dies, do their souls go anywhere?"

"All humans, regardless of actions, go to Mu. Nothingness."

That made L's head snap in her direction. He didn't believe in the traditional depiction of Hell, but he'd hoped... wanted... to think that Monster had been suffering ever since his death. He didn't want him resting in peace in nothingness... alongside his parents... suddenly L felt sick to his stomach, his throat closed on him.

"What's Mu like?" He breathed.

"I've never been there. The only Shinigami who ever has was our King. Rumors say that Mu is what makes up the fabric of the universe. How the souls experience this existence is another matter entirely. One of which I don't have an answer."

"I see... thank you."

The rest of the day passed in a haze. At some point during the investigation, Light tapped L's shoulder and the detective followed him into a storage closet down the hall. He didn't know what he was doing, couldn't muddle his way through his emotions. It was just... so much. New things he had never experienced before. Days passed in a sex-filled blur. And the injuries... were getting worse.

L had to wear a scarf around his neck, claiming the cold was getting to him, that he was getting sick. The hobble had been noticed by the other investigators, but L just kept saying over and over again that it was a tennis injury. He avoided Watari, always putting up a facade of being fine.

He was okay.

He was L Lawliet, the greatest detective the world had ever seen.

He was fine.

* * *

Rem watched Light through the window, all the way from the roof of the other building. He was sitting and typing on his laptop. Every once in a while, Light would massage the bridge of his nose, or run a nervous through his hair. Rem heard the flapping of wings and didn't need to look to know that it was Ryuk.

"I thought Light Yagami was strong enough," Rem mumbled.

"Eh? Whatchya talking about?" Ryuk asked.

"Don't tell me you haven't noticed..."

"Noticed what?"

She sighed heavily, glaring at the other Shinigami. Her voice came out a low growl.

"Ryuk, humans are not like you or me. A few months is a long time for them. Long enough for them to become different entities. I thought Yagami's ideals and goals would be strong enough to keep him in tact when he got his memory back, but something changed. Memories and emotions that Kira refutes but Light accepts. If opinions, ideals and memories contradict, can you officially say that there are two entities inside his head?"

Ryuk made an interested noise, looking over her shoulder.

"Heh, now that you mention it, he has been a bit more agitated. Yeah, I thought we'd be able to just pick up where we left off," he chortled.

Rem pursed her lips.

"Can you imagine what it must be like to have two personalities in your head? Both have equal claim to the body, yet... I wonder how one can live with it."

"He can't," Ryuk chuckled darkly, "just you watch. If the two entities can't sort it out on their own, they'll keep battling until his mind snaps and he goes insane."

She had to agree. Rem could already see the warning signs of Light's mind destroying itself. And there was nothing Rem could do about it. She didn't respond, simply watched the young man as he tossed his laptop to the side, hung his head and massaged his scalp.

"It's kind of a shame," Ryuk sighed.

"What, you like him?"

"I wouldn't be sacrificing myself for him anytime soon."

"Hm."

Rem flinched when Light stood abruptly and threw his laptop to the floor, pieces scattering and the screen shattered. Light leaned against the table, breathing heavily. He stalked out of view, tugging harshly at his hair.

It'd be a shame witnessing such a brilliant mind descend into madness.


	19. Shattered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this one was so hard to write on so many levels. 
> 
> There are a lot of TWs, and listing them here would summarize the chapter. They're all in an end note, but they are there. 
> 
> Again: **TWs are in the end note.**

Light moaned, his hips jerking sporadically. L bit down on the pillow, needing sweet release himself. Sinking his teeth into L's shoulder, Light groaned and came, filling L with warmth and stickiness. L winced at the pain. Another mark his scarf would have to cover. Fantastic.

The weight on top of him moved to the side and L collapsed, breathing heavily. He risked a look at Light, who was staring up at the ceiling. L's nose wrinkled in disgust. Here he was... fucking Kira. How disgraceful.

L struggled to lay flat on his back, looking up at the ceiling and hearing the softly pattering rain. It was gentle and calming, even if it sounded like it'd be heavy if he stepped outside. He closed his eyes, wanting to feel it hit his face, soak his hair and make his shirt stick to his skin.

"I can't keep doing this," L croaked, his own voice foreign to him.

Light craned his neck, a dark obsession in his gaze.

"Excuse me?"

"... Nothing. Forget I said anything."

Light's brow furrowed. Sidling closer, cold lips pressed against L's temple. L shuddered, leaning towards the other.

"Ryuzaki. You know I love you, right?"

L didn't respond at first. He simply continued listening to the rain, imagining how hard it was hitting the roof. Light's words swirled in his brain until he gave a dry snort, making the other look at him in confusion.

"You love me?" L murmured amusedly.

He turned his head, his lips inches from Light's.

"Tell me, Light. From the moment you were born... has there ever been a point where you've told the truth?"

Light stared at him.

L stared back.

The words seemed to bother Light, striking amber eyes caught off-guard.

"Get on your stomach."

"Why do you like me on my stomach so much?" L breathed, "because then you can't see my face? I suppose if you can't see my face, you can't see the grief, right?"

"Shut up," Light hissed.

"Or is it because I bring up conflicting emotions? I'm sure before you lost your memories, you had no qualms about killing me, but now?"

"I said shut up!"

Light slapped him.

It made a loud sound that broke the stale air.

L reeled back in shock, looking at the other with wide eyes, his cheek stinging. His fingers trembled, his lip quivering. Light was frozen, his mouth hanging open.

"R-Ryuzaki, I-"

He straightened seeing L's eyes go hollow. Light inhaled sharply.

"Ryuzaki?!"

He shook the other, recoiling when L started mumbling under his breath, lost in memory.

"Get out," L rasped.

Light blinked.

"Wha-"

"I said get out!" L screamed, shoving Light off of the bed.

Light yelped, crashing to the floor. For the first time since he'd become Kira, L could see fear and regret in those eyes.

"I-I... R- I'm so-"

"Get out!" L roared.

Light scrambled to his feet and dashed out, throwing his clothing on as he ran. L curled up, shaking. He hugged his knees close to himself, trying to steady his racing thoughts. When it didn't work, he stumbled out of the bed. Everything hurt, everything... throwing on a robe and scarf, he shuffled out and walked, his eyes trained on the ground. He slumped along, not quite human yet not knowing what he was.

Pausing, he knocked on a door.

Aiber opened it, brow quirking in surprise. Why was L wearing a bathrobe and scarf?

"Hey, Kiddo."

"Don't call me that."

"Eh, you'll always be that to me. Come on in, what can I do for you?"

L followed him and that's when Aiber noticed the forming welt on L's cheek. His eyes flashed in alarm, but he didn't say anything, watching L slowly sit on the sofa, adjusting the bathrobe with a hiss.

"I know you have some of the best wines in the world... I'll pay you for a bottle."

Aiber chewed his lip.

"Are you sure you want to-"

"I want to get drunk," L whispered, "how much? Any price."

Aiber stared at him, shaking his head. He sat down on the chair opposite from L, holding onto his face with those crystalline blue eyes.

"Ryuzaki... let me see your neck..."

L swallowed, eyes flashing in the man's direction.

"No."

"Well that's the price if you want a bottle."

L searched the other's face, realizing that really was the price. He carefully undid the fabric, his eyes screwed in pain. Aiber's own widened.

"... I'm going to kill him."

"Aiber-"

"Fuck it, I'm killing him."

There was a dark handprint splayed across the front of L's throat. The rest of the neck was completely covered in hickeys and love bites, but it was too much all at once. L's entire neck was practically black. L stared at the ground, his nerves still jumping. There were harsh lines under his eyes, and he forced them to meet Aiber's. Brilliant grey irises were dulled by grief and pain.

"I didn't do anything special for my birthday..."

It was November 5. As the days went by, a part of him regretted not doing something with Watari on Halloween. But he couldn't muster the energy to look at the old man. For him to see L as... this... L shivered.

"If you won't give me a bottle, I'll find one some other place. You just have the best."

Aiber nodded slowly, knowing that L was right. He'd have no problem getting his hands on alcohol. 

"Do um, do you want a drinking buddy?"

"No. I want to be alone and drunk," L stressed this, forcing himself to meet the other man's face, "Aiber, you want the truth?... When Light slapped me... it reminded me of Monster. Something he- something he did that night that's stuck with me for years. Even- even when I was falling in love with Light, it was always whispering in the back of my brain."

Aiber wanted to ask. He didn't know exactly what happened that night, just general details. He hesitated, picking at his palm.

"Oh?"

"... There. I paid you for the wine."

"Maybe you should-"

"I said," L snapped viciously, "I paid you for the wine."

"Ryuzaki, I-I can't. I don't-"

"I could have you imprisoned a dozen times over," L snarled, his voice dripping danger and venom.

They locked gazes, the storm outside the only sound in the room. _Would he really_? Aiber hesitated, sighing and getting one of the best ones he could. He had a son. He couldn't take the chance of it being an empty threat.

"Please. If you need help-"

"I don't," L replied curtly, taking it and redoing his robe and scarf.

As he stalked back to his room, he saw Watari in the distance. His breath caught and he rode up the scarf high enough to hide the welt on his face. Now. Of all times. His eyes squeezed in shame and embarrassment. Watari looked in his direction, noticing the bottle.

"L?"

"Go away."

L walked briskly by him, but Watari followed, his eyes sparking in concern and love.

"L, wait-"

"No!" L whirled on his heel, baring his teeth defensively, "Stay away from me! I don't want you. You're just some old man who runs the orphanage I lived at. _Just leave me alone_!"

He kept going, not looking back. Watari stood there, swaying on his feet. He exhaled shakily, massaging the bridge of his nose, the words shaking him to his core and making a pressure well behind his eyes. L was his son. Biological or not... _I guess he really doesn't feel the same_. Nodding quietly to himself, he went back to his office, his heart twisted uncomfortably.

* * *

L was curled up on the bed, drinking straight from the bottle. He'd only been drunk once or twice. It was always a strange feeling and he usually didn't like having his judgement impaired. He knew he'd never do something as horrific as Monster did, but the thought of being drunk always made him scared.

Taking another swig, he giggled to himself, running a hand through his hair. He gingerly tapped at the welt and held onto the front of his hair, trying to stop himself from sobbing.

**_It_ _was a respite... if one could call it that... L was on the ground, shaking. One of the other men wandered over, his lips curled._ **

**_"So fucking beautiful..."_ **

N-No... he didn't want to relive the memory! L shook his head, trying to clear it, but it was useless.

**_L shuddered when the man reached forward, grasping his chin and roughly holding L's head up. He whimpered, trembling._ **

**_Monster wandered back in from the kitchen, downing a beer. He snarled, pushing the man away from L. L shrank, trying to steady his breathing. Monster glowered while his friend protested._ **

**_"No fair! You've had so many fucking goes at him! I want a turn before you spend him all up!"_ **

**_Even at eight years old, L wanted to laugh dryly. He was already spent up. It felt like he was about to die._ **

**_"Get your own, Alec!" Monster seethed, "this one's mine!"_ **

"They're going to fight over me," L murmured, taking another deep gulp from the bottle. His limbs burned with the memory.

**_L yelped when Alec roughly grabbed his arm, pulling him. Monster gasped and growled, pulling L back his way. Tears pressed in the back of L's eyes. They were fighting over him... like dogs with meat... he considered fighting back, but realized that if he tried wrenching his arm, it'd snap like a twig. L forced his body to go limp, crying out in pain whenever he was pulled and scratched. Finally, Monster let out a roar, punching Alec. He reeled back, his eyes blazing. L sagged, limp and shaking in the victor's grip. His eyes met Alec's, fear racing up his spine._ **

**_Hunger. Pure lust and hunger as Alec scanned L's body._**

"Hunger... hunger... so hungry," L whimpered, twisting in bed.

**_With a huff, Alec returned to helping his friend hold his father down. His dad... was watching him with large, sorrowful eyes, tears sliding down his cheeks. At this point, L had already been crying for so long... he didn't have any more tears in him._ **

"Please don't look at me," L covered his ears tipping the bottle back and letting it burn down his throat. "I don't want you to see me like this." It was the last time he saw his father's face in full.

**_He was exhausted. So exhausted that he slumped in Monster's grip, hoping maybe... just maybe he could get a glimmer of compassion and peace. Of course Monster took it the wrong way, kissing down the back of L's neck._ **

**_"I won't let them have you," Monster whispered huskily._ **

**_L didn't say anything, just staying in the man's grip. Monster tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, so softly that it could almost be mistaken for kindness._ **

**_"Do you want some water?"_ **

**_L swallowed, nodding in uncertainty. He yelped when Monster hoisted him, carrying him into the kitchen and getting a glass. His father howled in fury._ **

**_"You put him down! Leave my fucking son alone! I'll... I'll kill you..."_ **

"You're wrong, Dad. They killed you... slit your throat," L whined, swigging, "blood... there was so much... oh God, why was there so much blood?"

**_L's knees buckled. A part of him wanted to run for the exit, but he could barely stay on his feet. Monster kneeled in front of him, holding out the glass._ **

**_"Do you know why I gave you all of these?" He asked, poking at one of the bite marks on L's skin._ **

**_L hissed in pain, shaking his head. He stared down at the water in the glass, rippling and sloshing. When he took a gulp and held the glass out in front of him, L could see that blood had leaked from his mouth and stained the water red. Monster pulled L closer, tracing over the marks._ **

**_"Because you're mine, Babe. I did it because I love you."_ **

**_"B-but Mummy says that-that you don't hurt the people you love..."_ **

**_"I didn't hurt you," Monster's voice was soft and sweet, worming into L's brain, "I made love to you. This is what adults do. Make love." He wiped away a tear from L's cheek, "those marks bound us, Babe. They show that you're mine. Now and in the future when you make love to anyone else, you'll remember who you belong to."_ **

No! He loved Light. He didn't belong to Monster! He couldn't! L scratched at his body, feeling dirty.

**_L stared at him. He was so young, so broken that a part of him believed the man. And yet, he couldn't stop shaking. Every glide of Monster's fingers left him wanting to collapse._ **

**_"O-oh." Was all he could manage. Something in him surged. L blinked, his face going to the ground. "You're a liar," he mumbled._ **

"Why did I say it?" L sobbed, tears sliding down his cheeks, "I should've stayed quiet! Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!" The bottle was empty. L licked at the rim, trying to get as many drops as possible. It couldn't be empty already!

**_Monster's eyes sparked in rage. He reeled back and smashed the back of his hand into L's cheek. The loud slap made the air crack like thunder. L screamed, sprawling across the floor. He felt his cheek in awe, already noticing the forming welt._ **

L gasped, his own hand flying to the welt Light had left. He twisted the bottle in his grip, features screwed.

**_Something wrapped around his neck that he recognized as rope. L instantly panicked, clawing and scratching at the large hand._ **

**_"HOW DARE YOU!" Monster roared, pulling the rope tighter. L choked, his vision swimming, "HOW DARE YOU FUCKING ACCUSE ME OF LYING! DO YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU TO THOSE THREE OUT THERE? YOU'LL DIE, BOY! THEY'LL RAPE YOU UNTIL YOU DIE."_ **

**_L gasped, slapping at the ground._ **

**_"I-I'm sorry!" He croaked, fear washing his system, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry. I-I-"_ **

"I'm sorry," L wailed, tugging at his hair and curling into a ball, "please don't kill me. I'll be good! I swear!" His voice rose until he was shouting "I swear!"

**_Monster's breath was heavy in his ear._ **

**_"Say that you love me."_**

**_L nodded rapidly._ **

**_"I... I love you."_ **

**_The rope loosened and he gulped in air heavy with blood and smoke, the smell of alcohol permeating his senses._**

L gasped as if he'd just been freed as well. But it still felt like he was drowning.

**_Monster groaned._ **

**_"Say it again."_ **

**_L went limp, the cold tile seeping through his skin. He stared at the floor, feeling more so than seeing Monster kneeling above him. His eyes slipped shut._ **

**_"I love you."_ **

**_Monster reached for him. L was sure that was the moment he died._ **

L shook his head, filled with fog from being drunk. His stomach gurgled warningly. 

In his drunken stupor, he tried standing, but fell to the floor, the cold wood sending jolts through his body. The bottle slipped from his grip and shattered across the floor, littering it with glass. He tried rolling to his feet but cried out, a shard of glass slicing down his leg. Hot pain flared up his skin, blood oozing and streaming out at an alarming rate. He screamed, holding onto his leg, the pain making him writhe. In a brief moment of clarity, he knew he needed bandages. Bandages...

Grunting, L managed to limp to the bathroom, feeling the horrible liquid still running down his thigh. Landing at the counter, all he could think about was Light. A kind soul. Someone who genuinely cared about him and tried to turn him into the best version of himself.

 _Just a monster_.

L tried opening the mirror, but he couldn't focus well-enough to get a grip. Somehow he did it and he slapped for the bandages but found the little bottle of pills. The tears that he'd been repressing rolled down his cheek. Tipping his head, L wailed, unable to stand straight. He just wanted to fall asleep. He was so tired. He didn't want any more nightmares or sleep paralysis. That's all he wanted. He held it to his chest. L was so drunk that he didn't even think about the implications, just... sleep... the pills always helped. They relaxed him. They made him feel good.

Taking out five in his hand, L stared at them.

The recommended dosage was two...

L looked at the medicine bottle.

He tipped everything that was left into his mouth.

L leaned against the sink, his vision blurred. His arms shook, a strangled sob leaving his throat.

_Blood._

_Blood._

_Why is he so sticky?_

_He wants Mummy and- and Daddy._

The blood roared in his ears, his temple pounding. The world was spinning...

_Blood._

_Blood._

_Monster's so tall..._

A shriek ripped from L's throat, holding onto his bangs, welcoming the intense stinging on his scalp. 

_He was screaming, being ripped from the inside out._

_Blood._

_So much... so much..._

L crumpled to the bathroom floor, the tile cold against his skin. His head slammed against it, making the world go hazy. He was vaguely aware of the blood from his leg seeping over the white tile and... L watched it seep out, his eyes unfocused as it caked into his hair, touching his face. He shook, wanting to curl in on himself but not able to move.

"Watari?" He moaned.

 _Oh God, what did I just do?_ L whined, the tears continuing to drip down his cheeks. He sobbed, holding onto himself, alone and scared.

"Light?" He breathed, his eyelids heavy, "s-somebody...?"

L's fingers twitched, his entire vision warbling. 

"somebody... h... help me..."

The world faded to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs for non bold section: physical abuse, alcohol abuse, PTSD, overdose, mixing alcohol and drugs, it's not done out of an intention for suicide but I'll mention it just in case.
> 
> TWs for bold/italicized section: flashbacks, physical child abuse, even though you don't see the rape, it's much more present/apparent, emotional manipulation


	20. November 5th

Ryuk perched on the wooden dresser, watching the show with gusto. L was still bleeding, drool pooling from his mouth, threatening to choke him if he somehow ended up on his back.

November 5, 2004.

That was the date that read above the human's head. Of course it'd been impossible to know how a human was supposed to die, but based on the evidence Ryuk was seeing, he guessed L had always been destined to die from a drug overdose.

Ryuk had wondered if L's exposure to the death note or even his exposure to Light would've changed his death date, but he supposed not. It was a bit of a shame, he enjoyed a spot of unpredictability in his entertainment. The young man shivered, letting out an inhuman wail. A final call for help.

The Shinigami drummed his long claws in excitement, large black wings snapping out.

 _Heh. Light-o's going to love this_.

* * *

Light sat on the roof, looking out over a cloudy yet lit up Tokyo. The rain drenched him, made him shiver from the cold. He felt odd, like his brain was twisted and strained, two personalities battling for room and dominance. He closed his eyes, trying to center himself.

_You hurt him. I'll fucking kill you for that._

_Oh shut up. I'm going to kill him, why do you care if he's hurt?_

_Don't you dare!_

Light pursed his lips. No more messing around. There was no reason to keep L alive. He was just a good fuck, nothing more. The detective had to die... Ryuk materialized beside him, chuckling under his breath. Turning to his Shinigami, Light grinned, his lips curled like a cat's. He motioned to the city line reverently.

"Look over it, Ryuk. Soon, L will die and this world will be my oyster...you'll see the rise of a new god."

_Lunatic._

_Shut the Hell up._

It was his moment, he wasn't going to let it be ruined by the voice. The pest. Soon, he'd break the little pest's spirit and it'd shatter, finally allowing him to feel whole again.

Ryuk snickered, shaking his head.

"Won't have to wait for too long."

That made Light falter, looking at the creature curiously. Ryuk was eyeing Light's bag, the apple tucked in the large compartment, already past thinking about the bleeding, dying man in the bathroom. He reached out an expectant claw, expecting the blood-red fruit, but Light shifted away.

"I'll give it to you when you tell me what you mean."

Ryuk groaned, hanging his head with a dramatic sigh.

"L! He's dying right now. I dunno, saw him chug a whole bottle o' pills. Pretty sure humans ain't supposed to do that."

Light blanched.

"Ryuzaki's... overdosing?"

Ryuk shrugged, starting to look frustrated and pointing pleadingly for the apple.

 _Ryuzaki's overdosing...?_ the pest asked in a small, terrified voice.

 _Ryuzaki's overdosing..._ Kira chuckled.

Light's heart quickened as he tossed the apple into the air and ran, his expensive shoes skidding on the roof. He wasn't even sure why he was running so fast. All he knew was that he had to see. He had to see L.

He tripped down the stairs, his bangs falling forward and getting tussled. Light didn't notice, tearing into the apartment and freezing. There was... a lot of blood... little shards of bloody glass scattered by the bed. It stained the floor, trailing to the bathroom.

His feet fell heavy, but he slowly moved to see the other... Light inhaled sharply, standing in shock.

L was curled in a fetal position on the floor, his mouth hanging open and his limbs immobile. He was laying in a pool of his own blood, the sticky smell making the air heavy and suffocating. The bathrobe he'd been wearing was soaked in it, making the fabric stick to his naked skin. The source was from a gash on his leg, the skin torn and ugly against L's delicate pale skin. Light moved for the other in a daze, his voice not working.

"Ryuzaki?"

Light knelt in front of the man.

"Ryuzaki!"

No response.

Light pressed his fingers into the pale neck. There was a very faint pulse... fluttering unsteadily and threatening to flicker out. He swallowed thickly, looking down in astonishment. He- he wouldn't even have to use the death note? L was just going to... overdose? Just like that?

 _Ryuzaki..._ _Ryuzaki_! The pest screamed, cracked and begging _, I'm here! Ryu, I'm here, please_...

A myriad of emotions exploded in his chest. He trembled, not sure how to feel. It was perfect... he was genuinely innocent in L's death! Now if only he could weed out the pest from his brain, then Light could truly be the god of the new world! Just as he was always meant to be.

He huffed a laugh, grasping the front of L's hair to jerk his head up. L didn't open his eyes, his head dead weight in Light's fingers. Light's lips twitched into a cruel smile, eyes glowing red.

"I win," he growled.

L was limp, not answering or even acknowledging. Light faltered, his nose wrinkling.

"I win!" He shouted it this time directly into the detective's face. A dark laugh bubbled up his chest, flooding his synapses with adrenaline until he was cackling, the sound bouncing off the bathroom's walls.

The irony! That it'd all end this way!

"You fucking idiot! I WIN!" His voice squeaked with laughter, "I'm going to be the God of the New World!... and you're making it so easy!"

No response... frustration shot through Light's brain. His grip on L's hair wavered, something in his stomach straining.

"Ryuzaki?"

He shuddered, his fingers trembling. It would be so easy... so easy to leave him there... dying in a puddle of his own blood. Imagine the sympathy he'd gain if he pretended to have found L after he was dead.

It was perfect. He could finally- he could finally- Light stopped. Wow. He'd never considered life after L.

He stared at the other, his pulse racing.

_Save him._

_No._

_Save him!_

_Why should I?_

**_SAVE HIM!_ **

Light stumbled to his feet in a daze, something compelling him to run towards the intercom, slamming his hand on the button. It didn't feel like his voice was his own, like someone else was using his mouth.

"Watari! Come quick! L's dying..."

Watari sputtered, but Light was already going back to the bathroom. Why was he feeling scared? Worried, even? As if... a part of himself was dying? L, his equal, his lover... the only person in this world who truly understood him on all levels. Once that was gone, once Light was alone...

...He didn't want to be alone...

... But... didn't he want L dead? Light massaged his temple, so utterly confused. Who's actions were he carrying out?

Light felt numb as he gently tugged the bathrobe off and grabbed a clean bedsheet, carefully draping it over L's naked body. Now it looked like the detective was just sleeping, huddled in the thing. Light gently touched L's cheek, running his fingers along the smooth skin. He looked at the bloodied robe, a shiver going up his spine.

Watari barreled through the door, his face falling when he saw the blood on the floor and L, his skin grey. All at once, it felt like he was losing his entire world.

"An ambulance is on the way! What happened?!"

"Overdose," Light slapped a hand for the counter, holding out a bottle, "and judging by the shattered glass outside, I'm guessing drugs mixed with alcohol."

Watari grabbed the bottle, inspecting it and cursing under his breath.

"He must've taken about twenty... he needs a hospital. Get out of the way."

Light stumbled back, wincing as Watari scooped the detective up, taking care to keep the sheet wrapped around him. L's head lolled forward, resting on Watari's chest. The detective was skinny and lightweight, to the point where it appeared that the older man wasn't using any effort to pick him up.

Watari met Light's eyes, accusatory and hate-filled. It left his chest squeezing until Light quietly looked at the ground, not moving even as Watari surged past him.

Watari moved as fast as he could. All he could focus on was getting his son to the front of the building, his vision blurred with fear. In that moment, it didn't matter what'd been said between them, the fights they'd had or anything else. All that mattered was that Watari made sure L Lawliet survived. He squeezed L against his body, his voice cracked.

"You're the most fucking stubborn person I've ever met, don't you dare die on me," Watari snarled.

Racing down to the first floor, Watari turned a corner and stopped in his tracks, his heart dropping in dread.

Misa Amane was standing by the door, waiting for Light to let her in. Watari inhaled sharply. He'd... he'd forgotten she was coming tonight to get the last of her belongings... She looked up at Watari and blinked, tilting her head curiously.

All of Watari's systems simply crashed. If L was right, and his boy usually was... Misa Amane was the Second Kira... faltering, Watari shifted to make sure the blanket was shielding L's face. The young man's teeth were chattering, a sheen of sweat forming on L's brow. Squaring his shoulders, Watari marched out, stalking past Misa. There was no point in going back or agonizing over what he could've done differently.

If she had the eyes, she had his name. That was a simple fact.

L was dying in his arms. That was another simple, but more urgent fact.

The ambulance screeched to a halt and paramedics streamed out. Watari shook his head, motioning to the back of the vehicle.

"I need to go with you! I'm his... I'm his father."

He was quickly ushered inside and looked out to see Light standing dejectedly, hesitating like he wanted to join, but wasn't sure if he should. Light took a step towards the ambulance, but Misa was already swarming him, asking questions and talking her head off. He waited too long and soon the paramedic was shutting the back doors. Watari wrapped his hands around L's thin and pale fingers.

"He's so cold," he whispered.

"We'll get to the hospital as fast as possible," the medic replied, fitting a breathing mask over L's face and applying pressure to his wound.

Watari watched silently, tears prickling in the corners of his eyes. He leaned downwards, the shaking of the ambulance as it sped down the road distant in his hearing. L's breathing was ragged and uneven.

L made a quiet sound, an eye slipping open. Watari's breath caught, his lip quivering.

"My boy..."

The younger's eye was sluggish, not focusing on his caregiver's face. L blinked slowly, something warm sparking behind his gaze. Watari had to stop himself from sobbing, gently kissing L's knuckles.

"You listen to me, alright? No matter what happens... I need you to survive, okay? I won't be around forever, but I can't leave thinking you're gone too... I love you, Son."

Of course L didn't respond. Watari wasn't even sure if the young man heard him. The eye stayed open but L's entire body going slack. The paramedic cursed softly, feeling for his neck. Watari gasped.

"What's happening-"

"Cardiac arrest," she announced to a second paramedic, ignoring Watari.

Wordlessly, she started pushing down on L's chest in a steady rhythm, blowing air into his lips. Watari drew in a harsh breath, his hands shaking. She kept doing chest compressions, shaking her head. 

"Dilated pupils. Yuki! Anytime now would be nice!"

"About a minute!"

The ambulance picked up and suddenly they were next to the hospital. Watari was trembling at this point, unable to move. The paramedic straddled L, still pressing her hands down. The doors were thrown open, becoming a swirl of doctors and orders. Watari's nostrils flared, frozen in place, listening to them yelling for defibrillators and wheeling out the stretcher.

Watari numbly exited the vehicle, watching L's mop of black hair disappear among the halls. One of the nurses noticed him and smiled kindly.

"Coffee, sir?"

"Um... n-no thank you... just... just your waiting area please..."

As Watari sat, he couldn't get the image out of his mind. Everything. From carrying L, to Misa's interested stare and now... now it looked like his son was crashing... He shuddered, pressing his knuckles to his lips.

 _Please. I don't care what happens to me, just... let L live_...

* * *

Light was shaking, unable to concentrate. The voice in his head was just getting louder and louder, knocking on his temple until it felt like he'd collapse. He leaned against the desk, trying to focus on the screen and push through the accusatory, biting words the little voice spewed. He felt like throwing something.

"Light! Light!"

Ugh. Not that shrill voice.

Light glared at Misa, sighing and massaging the bridge of his nose. He forced a smile, enveloping her and petting her head. So obedient. So stupid. So boring.

_I want L._

_... For once we agree on something_.

She beamed, keening into his hand.

"You'll never believe what I just did! Oh, Light, you're going to be so happy!"

His brow quirked amusedly, his lips tugged up. As Misa started explaining, his little smile fell into a frown. The voice in his head cried out, sending shockwaves of pain rippling across his skull.

**_You monster..._**


	21. Running

"You idiot. You... you fucking idiot!" Light yelled in Misa's face.

She blanched, looking up at him with wide eyes.

"But-"

"Stay here!" He barked, grabbing his things, "Never! Never carry out such an action if I haven't explicitly ordered it!"

She whimpered, her eyes welling.

"But... you've been preparing to kill them soon! I thought I was helping..."

"Misa, you goddamn-"

He was tempted to kill her right then and there, but Rem shot him a warning glare. Light stiffened as the Shinigami growled.

"You're making her cry."

Right. Light exhaled slowly, looking at the teary-eyed girl. He forced a gentle smile.

"I'm sorry, Misa. I was just... caught off-guard. You're the best person in my life... I love you," he said automatically, rehearsed and through grit teeth.

Her face instantly brightened and she clasped her hands together.

"Really?! Oh, I'm so glad to hear that! Kiss me."

She closed her eyes, waiting patiently.

In Light's mind, both Kira and the pest tried not to recoil as their body moved forward, pressing its lips to hers.

 _... Okay, I'll give it to you that Ryuzaki's a much better kisser_ , Kira grumbled.

_A dead fish would be a better kisser._

Light's lips twitched and Misa pulled back.

"What's so funny?"

"Hm? Nothing. You stay here... Darling. I'm just going to the hospital to see how everything turned out."

"If I go with you, I can see Ryuzaki's-"

"No," Light said sharply, touching her shoulders, "Misa. Under no circumstances are you to leave this building. He-... he can't die yet."

She sighed, hanging her head obediently. Light petted it, his fingers lingering in her hair.

 _Misa... I'm going to kill you for what you did to Ryuzaki_.

Light blinked in surprise. That was... the pest... that little insistent voice that said it loved L... his lips curled.

_You'd love that, wouldn't you? Imagine her eyes bulging as she lays on the ground in a puddle of blood. Doesn't the justice of it make you excited?_

_... Shut up... shut up, shut up, shut up_.

Yes. He'd break it using the very love it claimed to have. Light smirked, moving for the door, feeding the little voice daydreams of Misa dead. He was all too aware of Rem as she silently followed him out of the building and to the hospital.

* * *

L was dead, he was sure of it. There was just silence, unending, unbroken true silence. He could almost feel energy around him, like other people examining him... but the energy faded, replaced by distant voices and the smells of a hospital. _They're reviving me_... L didn't know how to feel about it. He faded in and out of hearing voices, felt needles and the rhythmic beeping of machines. L had no idea how much time had passed, just that he was floating in wonderful nothingness. No dreams or energies or anything.

 _Watari_...

L's eyes slowly opened and he knew.

He wasn't sure how he did, but he knew.

There was a weight in his chest, his ears ringing. _Watari's dead_. He looked at the ceiling, wondering if Watari suffered or if it was quick. It was just starting to get dark outside, twilight fading into uncertain night. He stared out of the window, swallowing. Goosebumps peppered his skin.

The door opened and his eyes snapped to see Light standing in the doorway.

Light froze, rooted to the spot by L's intense gaze. He didn't want to say it... God, he didn't want to say it. Light steeled himself, straightening. L followed the other with his eyes, unblinking. Light smiled shakily.

"I'm... I'm happy you're awake... I was worried for a while. And- apparently you were clinically dead for about 2 minutes."

Silence. Light cleared his throat.

"You've been asleep for the past three days. The doctors think you'll make a full recovery, they just want to keep you for observation and maybe to talk to psych. L... we have to talk. It's, um... it's about Watari."

L didn't say anything so Light continued.

"He was sitting in the waiting room and the nurse went to give him an update on your situation. But... he'd had a stroke and by the time he was found, he was already gone. The doctor thinks that stress may have had a part to play. I'm sorry."

Light's heart jumped. He'd arrived at the hospital three days ago to see the old man being loaded onto a stretcher, people screaming and doctors giving orders. The nurse who'd found him was pale and shaking... for days, Light rehearsed what he'd tell L, but... nothing seemed good enough. There was no way to charm himself out of this one.

L stared at him. Light swallowed heavily, his knees buckling. He expected L to scream or cry or even accuse him of lying... but what happened was possibly the most disturbing outcome that Light hadn't even considered.

L started laughing.

It started as a low chuckle and grew into an almost crazed, broken cackle. He held onto his sides, hunched inwards as his breath came out in high-pitched squeaks. L threw his head against the pillow, face going red from a need to breathe. He was laughing so hard that tears formed in the corners of his eyes.

Light blanched, his mouth falling open at the reaction.

"Ryuzaki...?"

"Let me guess!" L howled with laughter, "in your little book, you wrote that he was so worried about me that he had a stroke! Hm, Kira? Did I get it right?" His lip trembled, "you're trying to make it my fault, aren't you? **Fuck you!** "

"B-but if Kira's involved, then it had to have been the Second Kira! How else would they get his name?"

"I don't give a shit," L wheezed, "which Kira did it. It wasn't my fault!" L's laughs teetered on the edge of sobbing, "It wasn't-... It- it's all my fault... oh, God it's all my fault..."

Light's eyes flashed in alarm.

"Ryuzaki-"

Light moved forward to comfort L, but the other snapped, eyes shattered.

"Get away from me! Just..." L sank into the bed, hugging his knees in a horizontal position. His voice was small and defeated, "just leave me alone. Please. Just leave me alone."

Light's throat closed on him. He faltered.

_Well... you're the one who loves him... what do we do?_

_... I don't know._..

Not even the pest knew? Light carefully removed his jacket, offering it to L, who simply glared at him spitefully. Sighing, Light draped it over the chair and hesitated, risking a glance in L's direction.

"Watari is in the morgue. They're waiting for you to claim-"

"I don't care. Go away."

Light's jaw clamped. L's eyes were hate-filled, his nostrils flaring.

"I'll be back in a few hours," he whispered.

"Careful, Light. That almost sounded like remorse. Don't go giving yourself a heart attack now," L snickered spitefully.

_Please don't leave him alone._

_It's my body. We're Kira and it's time you accepted that_.

Pushing the pest to the farthest corner he could, Light retreated out the door, L's echoing laughs following him.

L couldn't stop sporadically laughing, placing a hand over his chest. It was all his fault. If he'd been strong enough to kill Light, none of this would be happening. If he'd been strong enough to not fucking overdose, none of this would be happening. _Holy shit, I overdosed._.. L giggled. He _overdosed_! And he still wanted more pills! What the Hell was wrong with him?! L gripped his hair.

Watari was dead. And it was all hit fault.

L wasn't crying. He didn't feel anything.

The brief thought that he had to go to the morgue flashed in his brain. But... he couldn't. Not right now. It- it hurt so badly. The pain in his chest made him think for a second that he was having a heart attack. His eyes slipped shut, on his back, his mouth hanging open as he fell asleep, desperate to escape the world.

It was possibly the worst sleep paralysis that he'd ever experienced in his life.

L's eyes fluttered open to see a demonic form of Light, his edges blurred into shadows and his eyes glowing red, sitting on top of his chest. To L's right, Monster held down one of his arms, eyes hungry with desire. Holding down his other arm was Scissor, his lips curled into a nasty smile. He could see all of their little details. Every twitch of their lips and dark, lustful expressions.

His breath instantly quickened, every nerve in L's body begging him to run. His mouth was stuck open in a silent scream. It all flashed before his eyes, every bad encounter with sex he'd had in his much too-young life. The bruises and bite-marks on his skin burned as if reminding him that they were there. That he'd been branded more than once.

Light leaned forward, chuckling and snapped out a hand, wrapping it around L's throat. He gasped, wanting to call out for help, to writhe or move, but they were all crowding around him. Monster moved to kiss his forehead and L thought he'd die. His heart raced so badly that he couldn't see anymore. His eyes darted, the fear overwhelming as he shrieked in his brain, begging someone- anyone- to come save him. Scissor's hand rested on his thigh and L felt like bucking it off.

Light slowly slid his fingers up and down L's chest, sighing reverently.

"My little whore," he moaned.

Monster chuckled, leaning down to nip at L's ear.

"'My little whore'... I like it."

L's heart was going lightning fast in his body. He squeezed his eyes shut, every inch of his skin dirty as they all pressed and prodded. L's eyes snapped open when two of Light's fingers entered his mouth, reaching farther and farther back, farther than possible for human fingers.

Scissor straddled him and L whimpered around Light's fingers. They just kept stretching and stretching downwards... until he was sure they were poking at his heart. Squeezing it. Giving him a heart attack.

Monster touched L's cheek, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth.

"You fucked someone else, hm? What did I tell you? You love me."

NO. NO HE DIDN'T. HE DIDN'T, HE DIDN'T, HE DIDN'T. His eyes misted when Monster kissed his throat.

"Now that Watari's gone, who's going to save you?" Scissor drawled.

"Come be my little whore," Light cooed.

L pressed his eyes closed, wishing he could scream through his open mouth as the hands groped, their voices swirling together and drowning him.

In a flash, it was over.

L bolted to a sitting position, his hair sticking to the back of his neck. He heaved, turning and spewing vomit over the floor, hanging his head as bile dripped from his lips. He hugged himself, shaking. He swayed, feeling sick again, gripping the bedsheets until his knuckles turned white, his head pounding.

He wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry or scream. All he knew was that the adrenaline was still running high.

Fight or flight kicked in... and flight won. A deep, almost existential fear overwhelmed him. Grabbing his clothing, he practically threw it on, stomping and cursing the hospital gown. He ignored the burning from his leg, the bandages complaining at being jostled.

He was done.

Fuck all of this.

Crossing over to Light's suit's jacket, he rummaged through the pockets, stuffing Light's wallet into his own. His nerves jumped as he exited the hospital room, stalking briskly through the halls. It was at the tail end of the visiting hours, but seeing as it was November, it was already dark outside. L stole a hoodie resting on one of the waiting room chairs in one fluid motion, easily slipping it around his shoulders as if it'd always been his.

He moved through the halls, his eyes dark. Was this what insanity felt like? Possibly...

"L Lawliet."

His eyes flashed towards Rem.

"What?"

It didn't surprise him that a death god knew his name. He'd be more surprised if she didn't.

"Where are you going? Do you not still need to heal? What of Quillish Wammy's body?"

"I have enough medical training to take care of myself," he answered curtly, keeping his voice low, "I'm leaving. Watari had some passports stashed in a secret location and I can get my hands on another bottle of pills. I can't stop you if you want to follow me but I'm not telling you where I'm going. As for Watari's body..." L stopped walking, his legs about to give out from under him, "... we have people to take care of that. It- it's not my problem."

He moved forward again, practically running. Away. He-he just had to get away. It didn't matter where he went.

Rem watched the human curiously, flapping her wings to keep up with the harsh pace. She opened her mouth again, but L whirled on his feet, baring his teeth. She froze, watching him with wide eyes.

"Look, Rem," he hissed venomously, "I don't know what your stake is in all of this. You might try to kill me for leaving, but I. Am. _Done_. No more Kira, no Light, no Misa, no more _fucking_ L. I don't give a shit anymore."

Rem stood, stunned.

She followed him in interest as he left the hospital, crossing the road and standing in front of a river on the other side. He leaned against the railing, looking out at the water, the waves hidden in the night. Rem followed his gaze, unsure of what to say. Still leaning against the railing, L cupped his hands around his mouth, bellowing.

" **L Lawliet!** "

Rem inhaled sharply.

L didn't care.

He screamed his name again, tasting it on his tongue. L screamed it and screamed it until his throat went hoarse. Taking Light's wallet, he stole the cash and stuffed it in his pocket, examining the rest of Light's ids.

"Oh my, my. A driver license, two credit cards, _his social security card_. Wow, someone's feeling brave. Car insurance, health insurance, dear God."

L glanced at Rem with a dangerous smirk.

"It would be such a shame if something were to happen to such valuable information."

He reared back and chucked the wallet as far as he could throw into the water. He watched it slowly sink, giggling sporadically. Rem gaped. She'd be lying if she said she felt nothing for the human in front of her. One look and she knew that he understood the evil that humans were capable of. They were nothing but disgusting creatures... and she got the distinct impression that he related to the sentiment. And yet... here he was... on the verge of cracking... She was surprised by twinges of sadness and sympathy in her chest.

L met her eyes fiercely, something dark and hurt behind his gaze. He pulled the hood over his head, hiding his messy hair. L glanced at her from under the black cover.

"I can't say it was a pleasure to meet you."

Rem tilted her head.

Without waiting for a response, L slipped out into the night.


	22. In The Wind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tws: mugging, derogatory terms for drug addiction, talks of prostitution and homelessness

Light smelled the vomit first. He wasn't even in the room yet and it overwhelmed his senses.

He ran inside and froze.

L was gone... he was... where was he? He stumbled forward, looking around, the vomit making his nostrils singe.

"Ryuzaki?!"

Light ran into the hallway, looking down both directions. His heart raced, his vision blurred. Where was L?! Marching back into his room, he paced, tearing at his hair, trying to focus. Rushing to his jacket, he rummaged for his wallet and paused, blinking. It was gone? Did... did L steal his wallet? Light stood, his breathing heavy. L- was- he couldn't-

 _We have to find him! He might've hurt himself,_ the pest urged.

_Shut up! I have to think._

_We_ _have to find him!_

Light slid a hand up his scalp, shivering. He was having a hard time-

"He's gone."

Light whirled, facing Rem. She watched him silently, looming in the corner of the room, half hidden by shadows. Light's nostrils flared.

"What do you _mean_ he's gone?"

"He left. He wants nothing to do with Kira anymore... nothing to do with you."

He watched her, his mouth hanging, her words sinking in... L had left? Just like that? He'd wanted nothing to do with him? Light started when he felt something wet streaming down one of his cheeks. Light wiped at the stray tear, his nose wrinkling in disgust.

_Control yourself better! I know you're sad, but-_

_That's not it._ The pest's voice was cracked and heartbroken but... triumphant? _He got away... you'll never find him._

More tears welled up in Light's eyes and he stumbled back, blinded. Light's chest heaved, despising the hope and love from the personality.

 _You'll never be able to hurt him again_.

A shiver ran up Light's spine.

_What the Hell is your problem?! You realize your love for L's the only thing keeping you from fading, right?!_

_... If I fade, it'll be knowing that we're not hurting him anymore_.

Rem's gaze stayed intense and interested. The human seemed to be at war with someone, his lips twitched in a snarl. She gasped, straightening.

"It's him. The reason you couldn't properly merge after regaining your memories. You're in love with L."

The look on his face told her everything. Usually Light Yagami was so good about hiding his emotions, but he was so torn that his fear and uncertainty was written all over his face. His lip quivered, his mind picking at itself. Fuck, he couldn't concentrate. Light grit his teeth, trying to stop the world from spinning. It felt like a part of his heart was being ripped out, the thought of never seeing L again making him sway.

"K-Kill him now!"

 ** _No_**!

There was a burning in his brain and he hissed, leaning against the wall for support. It felt like his brain was trying to melt itself. Light whimpered, tempted to smash his temple into the wall.

"No," Rem replied calmly.

The burning instantly stopped at Light's eyes snapped in her direction, both personalities confused. Rem's lips twitched slightly.

"He told me he is relinquishing his title and involvement in the case. I believe him, and Misa's lifespan hasn't changed... if he's not a threat to her, I won't kill him."

Light's knees wobbled.

"But- but you have to kill him!"

"I don't have to do anything," Rem growled sharply. She glowered, hatred exuding from her eyes, "all these months, I thought you were the same without your memories. Cruel and vindictive, but this time simply using Misa with no regard or plan. But now I've seen glimpses of who you truly became... I will fight to bring that Light Yagami back... someone who I know won't harm Misa. You, Kira? It's a gamble whether or not you'd kill her once I was gone."

Light's body was shaking. Tears kept rolling down his cheeks and he wasn't sure if they were from Kira or the pest.

"I'll find him!" He shrieked, "I'll find him and kill him!"

 _It's impossible_ , the pest spat.

_Fine. Then I'll fucking break you! You'll fade into a bad memory and then once I'm whole again, Rem won't have any reason not to kill him!_

He pitched forward, his hair tussled and a slightly crazed look in his eye, his fingers twitching.

The pest finally stayed quiet.

* * *

L's leg thumped on the plane as he nervously chewed at his fingers. He was too jumpy, couldn't sit still and focus. His mind kept swirling in a cloud of self-hatred. _Coward. You betrayed Watari. Weakling_. He hung his head, scratching at his scalp and trying to ground himself.

He'd managed to get his hands on a spare bottle of pills and he'd already taken three since the flight began a couple of hours ago, but they weren't helping. He couldn't escape his brain constantly accusing him. How could he not say goodbye to Watari? How could he not kill Light? His leg jumped for frantically, making the man sitting next to him glance apprehensively.

"Are um, are you okay?"

"Y-yeah. Just not a good flyer," L replied hastily, wringing his fingers.

He didn't need to look at the guy to know what he was thinking. _Junkie_. L shivered, continuing to bite at his nails, not caring when he drew blood.

When L arrived in England, it was late afternoon.

He walked through the airport, unable to keep still. All he could feel was everyones' eyes on him, accusing and berating him.

_Coward._

_Weakling._

_Traitor._

L felt like screaming for everyone to leave him alone. Leaning against a payphone, he panted, trying to catch his breath. He forced himself to take a moment, eyes darting around the bustling airport. Oh... no one... no one was watching him... no one even cared about him... L's knees buckled and he ran a trembling hand through his hair. Okay. He-he just had to hold it together. He was okay.

He stood next to the cab, considering. Wammy's... he should go to Wammy's... he closed his eyes, wanting nothing more than to see the lush rolling hill behind the orphanage, the way the light caught the willow trees in the morning... but that would mean telling Roger that Watari was dead. That it was all L's fault. Images flashed in his brain of his successors watching him in disgust. They'd all hate him. They'd hate him more than he hated himself.

His head hung in shame, asking himself again for the millionth time why he didn't have the strength to kill Light when he had the chance. No. He couldn't show his face at Wammy's. He couldn't do it...

"Where to?" The driver asked impatiently.

Blinking, L swallowed and gave him an address...

He stood behind a building, peering around a corner at the house.

His old house.

It was small, surrounded by a cheap wire fence. L stared at the peeling paint, every window familiar. Out on the house's porch, three kids were playing, talking animatedly. So... it'd been bought? L watched them quietly, laughing and oblivious to their home's dark history. His gaze flickered. He didn't know what he was expecting. Of course the house wasn't his... but a part of him had expected to find it exactly the way it was 17 years ago. Stupid. A stupid fantasy, but... he'd needed to see it. L wanted to look inside and try and find his parents' ghosts. To look for the little drawings he used to do on the walls which were no doubt painted over by now.

... Wasn't he supposed to have been able to move on after 17 years? It was so long ago... L's throat bobbed, his fingers clenched in his pockets.

One of the kids looked his way and he gasped, ducking around the building. His heart hammered as he pressed himself to the brick wall, his face pale.

Pulling his hood back over his hair, he briskly walked away. Where was he supposed to go? Besides Wammy', he had no where... first things first. L was hungry.

He sat in the diner, looking out over the streets. L quietly stuffed a french fry in his mouth, trying not to recoil. He wanted something sweet, but he knew he had to be careful with his money. If he was going to pay for a motel room, he'd need to spend smart.

L twirled a french fry in between his fingers, the grease making his digits slippery. He stayed there, lost in thought and unable to move as the sun dipped down, sending the world into twilight. L sighed heavily.

It was time to go. There was a motel down a few streets over. He was exhausted... L would just have to figure out where to go in the morning.

All around him, the alleys were silent and pitch black, save for a few scattered street-lamps. Pulling his hood tighter, L continued down the street, lost in thought. He turned a few alleys, trying to plan his next move. Where to go. Wammy's was still out of the option. All at once, the shame rushed back. _Weak. It's your fault he's dead_. L hunched his shoulders, trying to shake it off. Yeah. No Wammy's. But wasn't that why he came to England in the first place? _No Wammy's_!

As he walked, he heard a gun cock.

He froze, slowly turning to see a man wearing a mask. Two more men seemed to materialize out of the shadows of the alley. L tensed, his fingers clenching. His Capoeira would've come in handy if he didn't have the gun pointed at him. He shot the nearest man an icy glare, knowing it wouldn't scare them away but having to try something. His eyes narrowed, but he held up his hands, nerves jumping.

"Check what he's got," one of the men ordered.

L pursed his lips, not saying anything as the gun got closer, the message clear. If he so much as moved a muscle, he was dead.

One of the men got behind him, slipping their hands into his pockets and tearing out the cash. L hissed out a breath. So long for a hotel or cab. One of them pulled out his passport and he felt like screaming. He stood there, glowering, desperately wanting to do something about it. The guy checked his jean pockets next, slipping out L's cell and anything else useful. He inhaled sharply when they took out his bottle of pills, laughing about how they were getting drugs as a bonus. An intense fear washed over him at not having them in his pocket. His lip quivered, his throat closed on him. No... t-they couldn't... he needed those... the man left nothing but a lollipop.

L glared straight into the gun's barrel, huffing.

"I need those pills back."

"Aw. Poor junkie needs his fix," gun-holder cooed, "we'll give them back... for a price."

The man who'd been searching him kept his hands in L's pockets... before gently pressing against L's hips. L stiffened, his lip twitching in rage.

"Bugger off," he warned in a low voice.

The man didn't, opting to press himself against L's back. L shivered, his gaze darkening when he felt the man's erection. Fuck it if he got shot, he wasn't doing this. Roaring, he slammed his heel into the man's shin. The man yelped, stumbling backwards.

The gun-holder held it up forcefully.

"Oi! Stop it! You fucking junkie."

L snarled, laughing bitterly.

"Go on then. Shoot me. What are you waiting for? Too much of a coward?"

The man who'd tried feeling him up yelled, kicking the back of L's thigh... where his wound was. L gasped, pain exploding from his leg. He crumpled, holding onto it and cursing. He felt a light on him and the man snorted in disgust.

"Fucking junkie."

L spat at the man's shoes. That earned him a swift and painful kick to the stomach. He reeled, his vision swimming as the third guy slammed his foot into his back. Before L could register anything or get himself up, the three men were kicking him, the gun still pointed at his head. L writhed, trying to scramble to his feet. But every move just sent them stomping onto his skin. Eventually, he slumped, his limbs numb. Spit landed on his cheek as one of the men chuckled.

"You're not even worth fucking."

Another harsh kick and they were walking away.

L stayed there, his cheek pressed against the concrete. He tried shifting to a sitting position, but pain shot up his sides, making it impossible to concentrate. Whimpering, he pulled himself against a wall, going limp, his head resting on the old brick. He shivered, tightening the hoodie himself. L was tired, and now he couldn't go to a motel... shit, he couldn't even buy some food. Popping the lollipop into his mouth, L sighed as the sugar hit his tongue.

It wasn't like those pills. Nothing was better than them. And now... he could really use them...

November in England was cold. Not bitterly yet, but enough to make his toes curl and for his fingers to tingle unpleasantly. He wanted to get up, but found he didn't the energy.

"Hey."

L's eyes snapped to his left. Some man was smoking, the small fire briefly illuminating him. He was tall and rather handsome, looking at L with a smile.

"Pills, huh? That's rough."

"What do you want?" L grumbled.

"Those guys just wanted to rape you, but I want a serious business transaction."

"You want to have sex," L snipped. _And besides. Why didn't you help me if you were just standing there_?

He shrugged with an easy grin. L watched him closely as he dug through his coat, pulling out bottle after bottle of different prescription drugs.

"It's cold out. Why don't we go to a nice hotel room? You'll get your fix and a warm place to sleep. Nice bed. Hell, I'll even order some food."

L hunched protectively, his fingers tightening around his hoodie. His genius brain started working as he stared at him. At sharp and obviously intelligent green eyes examining him. L straightened, his heart thumping.

"... This is how you hook junkies and homeless people, isn't it? Your goons attack them, steal what little they have, and you show them an iota of the kindness they're so desperate for... and then they become your bitch. Doing whatever the hell you want. I'll bet you even sell them to whore houses or clubs." L's eyes narrowed with a hiss, "no thank you."

The man looked genuinely impressed. He smirked, tilting his head.

"Not bad, Babe... not bad at all. The name's Caleb. Your face would really be appreciated in a club." He walked slowly, a predatory look in his eyes as he scanned L, "you see, our prostitutes' worth increases by their rarity. Brown hair and brown eyes go for shit. Blond hair green eyes? That'll bring the club a pretty penny. But you? Grey eyes are some of the rarest in the world. As if that wasn't impressive, grey eyes and black hair? I've seen a lot of people, but I don't think I've seen that before. You could be a rare commodity."

"Not interested," L stressed, tensing.

Caleb barked out a harsh laugh, leering over him.

"What? You'd rather freeze?"

L swallowed thickly.

"I-"

"You look like someone who has a lot of pride. You better learn to fucking let it go."

L's eyes squeezed. It felt like he was watching himself slip... like he didn't recognize himself anymore. Shit, was he actually _considering_? What the Hell was wrong with him?

"Leave me alone," but it sounded desperate and small.

Caleb's brow quirked, something dark behind his eyes. L quivered, terrified that he wouldn't be able to fight. That Caleb's men would come back and they'd just kidnap him anyway. Caleb kneeled in front of L, leaning in. L shuddered, feeling the other's breath softly against his ear.

"No one's ever said no to me before," he purred.

L recognized a game anywhere. Both of them knew L was powerless... but he was starting to get a reading on Caleb. Someone who toyed with his prey until he won. 

L looked at him with wide eyes as Caleb held out a hand, dropping about ten pills onto the pavement.

"I'll be back here in a few days. That should give your pride a lesson."

L swallowed, his teeth chattering as Caleb strolled down the alley. He released a breath, the fear welling up in his brain. L turned on his side, crying out softly in pain. It hurt... the vaguely thought that something was broken passed his mind. His fingers trembled as he picked up the pills from the ground, stuffing them quietly into his pockets.

He was shaking... and he couldn't tell if it was from the cold or not.


	23. Cowards Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tws: heavily implied prostitution.
> 
> In the italicized section: implied rape

The sunlight warmed him to his bones. L smiled, Light's fingers tracing down the side of his face.

"We have to go-"

"Kira can wait," Light whispered.

L's cheeks went hot. Craning his neck, he smiled, soft grey eyes examining his lover. In the golden morning, Light was beautiful. His chestnut hair glowed like amber honey and his kind eyes shifted between brown and amber.

L moved, inhaling the smell of the sheets, cotton and sex.

"Oh? Then what do you want to do?" L teased.

Light grinned, tenderly touching L's chin.

"Let's just spend the day together... you don't watch any movies. Fuck it, we're watching movies all day." Light's eyes brightened, "have you ever seen Alien?"

"No."

"... You've never seen Alien?"

L shrugged helplessly. Light gasped as if he'd been personally insulted.

"Okay. That's it. We're watching Alien, Aliens, skipping the rest because fuck them, going on to both Predators and then Alien vs Predator!"

Light was practically bouncing from excitement, biting at his lip. _Figures he'd have an entire itinerary planned in a minute_. L snorted, sidling up to Light and gently kissing the other's throat, his lips lingering on tanned skin.

"Hm. I suppose so. I'll order snacks."

Light beamed, enveloping him, kissing down the back of his neck. L chuckled lowly, the other's arms so soft. They rolled until L was on top, his fingers traveling down Light's face, outlining his features. The bedsheets were so warm...

L shivered, huddled against the alley's wall, cold. His eyes opened and he whimpered, wanting to return to the dream. The memory.

Back to Light.

He pulled the blanket tighter around himself, licking at his cracked and chapped lips. L did a quick count in his head, shuddering. Two weeks. Had it really been two weeks since he left Japan? Yes... yes it had been. The air was bitter, making L curl into himself for warmth.

Infected.

His leg was horribly infected, he knew. The wound was a bright red, the color slowly but surely spreading. Every time he changed the bandages, he'd see the gash covered in dripping pus that he'd have to clean. _You're going to get blood poisoning_.

L held the little pill in his palm, staring down at it dully. It was his last one... after that, well... Caleb would probably pay him a visit. A part of him wasn't sure if he had the strength to say no again. He shakily slipped it onto his tongue, forcing himself to swallow.

Cold. He was so cold.

L's head lolled forward. Never enough. It felt like lately, he could never get enough of the pills. He'd had to ration them, resulting in constantly wanting them, constantly having to fight himself and not take more than he was supposed to. He didn't feel well... like he wanted to move but couldn't. Like he was stuck on the pavement... like he was already dead.

L's eyes slipped shut again, ready for another memory. Anything to distract. He was vaguely aware of a couple passing him, the girl huffing and muttering under her breath about homeless people.

L swallowed dryly. _A homeless junkie soon-to-be prostitute... and I used to rule the world_. No... no, he- he was more! 

He struggled to his feet, instantly feeling nauseous, but managing to push it down. Limping to a payphone, he shakily put in his last 50 cents, his vision swimming. Holding the phone up to his ear, he leaned against the booth's glass, listening to the other end ring. 

_"Roger Smith, how can I help you?"_

L inhaled sharply. Roger... his eyes misted, his grip on the phone trembling.

_"Hello?"_

L stared out of the glass and at the busy street, his heart racing. He swallowed, trying to think of something to say. He was so tired... he just wanted to slide down and disappear... 

_"Hello?!"_

He listened to the familiar voice, eyes distant. His throat was closed on him, voice a few higher octaves and croaky from a cold. L's lips quivered, shrinking into himself.

"R-Roger?" He croaked.

_"... Yes? Who is this?"_

L blinked. Roger didn't recognize his voice? He supposed- supposed his throat was scratchy and he wasn't sure if Roger had ever heard him whimper so pathetically before. But still... Was he so unrecognizable? His grip on the phone shook... until he hung up. L's fingers lingered on the box, his chest tight. He felt like crying but couldn't. He couldn't do anything.

Quillish's death was his fault. This was his punishment. He deserved this. Everything he got. L didn't walk too far from the phone booth, slumping into a wall. He covered his mouth, hacking out an ugly cough, phlegm spitting onto the ground. _I'm going to die_.

L slowly slid down, his breathing harsh wheezes, the world fading into fuzziness.

* * *

He woke up to the smell of cotton. L was in a bed, softer than anything he'd felt in the past two weeks. Someone had changed him from his dirty clothing to a soft silk robe. He whimpered, struggling to a sitting position, his back against the headboard. He was emaciated. His leg prevented him from doing too much physical work, and no one wanted to hire him otherwise.

L's eyes slid to his leg to see fresh bandages.

Caleb was sitting in a chair in the corner, delicately sipping some champagne. He smirked.

"Evening, Kitten."

"Don't call me Kitten," L growled, wincing whenever he shifted, "you... you took off my clothing..."

"And took care of your leg. You're welcome," he purred, sipping again.

L swallowed thickly, passing his hands over the robe.

"... Let me guess. In exchange, you want to fuck me? Or sell me to your club?"

Caleb's brow quirked.

"The offer still stands... but I realized something about you."

L stiffened when Caleb stood and crossed over to him, examining him. There was a slight twinkle of interest in the other's eye.

"Not only are you used to having money, but you're used to someone taking care of you. You've never had to survive on your own." Caleb's lips curled, "you can never feel alone, you always need someone. You'd make the perfect whore... if it wasn't for your rotten personality."

L stared at him, not daring to speak at first. But his eyes narrowed.

"Oh?"

"I can tell from looking at your face that you're really smart, Kitten. Like... scary intelligent. And proud. Arrogant. Crafty. They'd have to keep you doped up 24/7. I'm guessing you'd die pretty fucking fast. And we can't have that, can we? You're too beautiful."

Caleb bit at his lip, pupils dilated.

"... But I want you. Just be mine and I'll give you as many of those pills as you want."

L didn't even realize he was shaking until Caleb gently touched his arms.

"I'll treat you like gold, Kitten. Whatever food you want to eat, luxury to sleep in-"

"You want me to be your shiny toy," L barked a dry laugh.

"Is that so bad?" Caleb shrugged, "admit it. You've been touch-starved for weeks. Actually starving, and-"

Caleb held out a bottle of temazepam and L felt his resolve waver.

"You've been craving these, haven't you? I'll give you the entire bottle for one night."

L made a strangled noise, shaking. He- he couldn't. It was a bad idea. And yet, his nostrils flared, staring at the bottle, breathing heavily. When had it gotten this bad? He'd always felt so in-control, but... he wasn't. A part of him wondered when he lost control. Caleb's lips twitched. His face fell seriously.

"I won't do anything you don't want to, Kitten. I don't rape and I don't fuck with kids. Those are lines I won't cross. This is a business transaction and I'd like to be your steady employer. I'd prefer if you came to work at a club, but if you want to be a freelancer, be my guest. Business. That's all this is."

L stared at him curiously. He blinked, Caleb's words from before swirling in his brain. Green eyes were among the rarest in the world... no, green eyes were _the_ rarest in the world. L's own widened.

"You are or were... maybe still are... a prostitute. Judging from the fact that you're recruiting and have some sort of power, you've been doing it for a long time. This 'club' isn't _yours,_ is it?"

Caleb blanched, the two of them staring at each other. L straightened, knowing his deduction was right. At least he still had that... his ability to read people. Caleb chewed his lip, looking genuinely uncomfortable.

"Yeah. Started when I was 12. 29 now. After 17 years, you learn that it's all just business and transactions. If you fuck the right people, you move up in the world and hope someday you're that right person who gets to fuck... I'm tell you right now. I'm the right person."

Twelve... L didn't say anything at first, scanning his face. He tried to imagine a twelve year old falling for the same tricks he used now.

"Are you an orphan?"

Caleb didn't respond and L knew he finally had the upper hand in this little game. The other sighed heavily.

"My mum when I was little and my dad a few years ago. Classic story. Father drinks every night, beats his son until he's spitting blood. Little sister always hiding in her room. One night, I couldn't take it anymore and ran. I left my sister behind and just ran. Been running ever since. From the police, from people who want to kill me, from crazy clients... you're running too."

Green eyes locked onto grey. L pursed his lips, realizing Caleb was trying to get the upper-hand again. He rolled his shoulders nonchalantly.

"Yeah. Responsibility. Expectations. Promises..." _Guilt. Shame. Judgement. Trauma. Abuse. Addiction. Grief. The supernatural. Hard decisions. Insomnia_. L trailed off, his eyes going distant. There was so much that he was running from... he felt like a coward, unable to face any of it.

Caleb listened in rapt interest.

Soon they were both quiet, the only sound in the room coming from the clock. Caleb leaned forward.

"Hm... you want to run together?... Let's be cowards together."

L laughed softly.

"I trust you about as far as I can throw you."

Caleb's smile reminded him of a cat's. 

And then Caleb's lips were on L's.

And L was returning the kiss.

He tasted like smoke and champagne. L felt like a shell of the person he was. Like L Lawliet didn't exist anymore. Was there even anything left of him? He moaned as the bed met his back and he felt Caleb's weight on him. _Coward. Weakling. Junkie..._

The robe fell away quickly, leaving goosebumps peppering his skin.

_Prostitute._

* * *

_L slept in the basement._

_He hated feeling hot and stuffy, and the basement was always cool. Ever since he was old enough to walk down stairs, he naturally gravitated towards it. Enough so that his parents scrapped enough to completely furnish it for his sixth birthday, believing it'd be his room until he inevitably moved out... they just didn't know it'd be happening a lot sooner than they thought..._

_L was under the covers with a flashlight, reading a Sherlock Holmes. He was really good at reading the words and always found the mysteries fascinating, although... a bit predictable. He knew he should be sleep. Tomorrow, he was getting ice cream with Reed and they were going to watch a movie! He squirmed excitedly._

_There was a crash from upstairs and he stiffened, pulling out from under the blanket._

_"Who the Hell are you?!" His father screamed, "get the fuck out of my house!"_

_There were heavy footsteps and men laughing... his father cried out just as a large thump sounded above L._

_"Get off of me!" His father demanded._

_L's eyes widened. He held his breath. The door at the top of the stairs was the only way in and out of the basement... his breath caught when it opened and closed slightly and his mother raced down the stairs, green eyes frantic and terrified. Tears welled in L's eyes. He'd never seen her so scared. L faltered. Before he even knew what was happening, she was shoving him into the closet. She was about to step in herself, when the door shook on its hinges, the lock preventing it. L froze, looking up at her._

_"... Mum?"_

_"Stay here, Baby, okay? I'll- I'll be fine."_

_"W-what?! Mummy! D-don' leave m-"_

_"I'll be right back... Never forget that I love you."_

_She grabbed L's lamp and a large heavy book, waiting behind the stairs._

_L gasped, drawing his knees to his chin when two large men pounded down the stairs, reeking of alcohol._ _She roared, going to smash the lamp on the man's head._

_He caught her easily and soon they were dragging her up the stairs. She shrieked and kicked, her sounds embedding themselves in L's brain. He covered his ears, shaking._

_"Ella!" His father sobbed, "leave her alone! I'll fucking kill you! I'll fucking **kill you**!"_

_There was... grunting... and every grunt made her scream. L hugged his knees, wishing it would just stop. He whimpered, shaking his head. He was so caught up in hearing the grunts and strange moans, his mother wailing and crying that he didn't notice the footsteps coming down the stairs._

_The closet door swung open._

_L squeaked, making himself into a small ball._

_A man... well over six feet tall... grizzled and stinking of smoke, alcohol and pee stared at him. L looked up at him, his limbs shaking uncontrollably. Above him on the main floor, his mother cried out. The man tilted his head curiously. There was a spark of... something... his eyes. It sent a shiver up L's spine. The look made L feel like he was a... toy... under the man's gaze._

_"Wow," the man breathed, bending down, "has anyone ever told you that you're a very beautiful little boy?"_

_L swallowed, shrugging. Some had._

_"W-what are you doing to my mummy?" He croaked._

_The man ignored his question, reaching out and touching L's cheek._

_"So beautiful... God, you're so fucking sexy. You're a virgin, right?"_

_L's nose wrinkled in confusion. He didn't understand what those words meant. The man rolled his eyes._

_"Have you ever had sex?"_

_L chewed on his lip._

_"... What's that?"_

_The man gave a sickeningly sweet smile._

* * *

_L got distracted by the memories. Sudden flashes that made him lose all sense of reality. He yelped when he fell, his back hitting the mat. L didn't move, staring at the ceiling, the memories still swirling in his brain._

_"L! Are you okay?" Watari stood over him, but L just felt... empty._

_"This is stupid," he whispered, "I want my case."_

_Watari faltered, shaking his head._

_"There's 15 minutes left in the lesson."_

_"I don't care!" L retorted hotly, "Capoeira's stupid! I want my cases! Why are you making me learn it?!"_

_Watari held out a hand to help L stand up, but the fifteen year old struggled to his feet on his own, glaring. Lately, he'd been... angry. Every day. Almost all the time. Anger, bitterness and hatred to everyone. Even when it wasn't warranted. Watari sighed._

_"It's important that you-"_

_"What? I don't care about these dumb-"_

_"Because I won't always be here to protect you," Watari cut in softly._

_L clamped his jaw, simply watching the other with wide eyes. The older man's face was grave and weathered. He moved towards the bleachers and motioned for L to join him. He did._

_Watari stared down at his hand, picking at the palm._

_"You're a very capable young man, but... when it's my time to go, I need to go knowing that you can defend yourself. That you have the skillset so that... you'll be okay."_

_L didn't say anything at first. He hugged his legs, his voice suddenly foreign to himself._

_"Watari... can I ask you a question?"_

_"Of course."_

_"... Why did they go after my family? Was it- I don't... I don't understand why..."_

_Watari watched L sadly, sighing heavily._

_"L, this world isn't fair. Some people are just... sick. You didn't deserve what happened. I can't change the past... but I'll be here for you."_

_L sniffed. Before he could stop himself or psych himself out, he hugged Watari. The older man stiffened in surprise, not used to such physical contact. The boy was shaking, his lip quivering. He'd lost everyone in his life. His parents, his friends... if it wasn't for Watari, he'd be completely alone in the world. He sniffed, resting his cheek on the other's shoulder. He knew the next request was impossible, but he couldn't stop himself from asking as he tightened his grip around Watari._

_"Never leave me... never..."_

_"... L. I swear to you. From now until I-... am no more, I won't leave you. I'll never give up on you."_

_Watari returned the hug and for the first time in years, L felt safe._

L woke with a start.

It was still night and he was curled into Caleb's body heat, his cheek resting on the other's chest. The hotel room was so dark that he couldn't see anything, just feel the pain swirling. His lip trembled as he moved to the bathroom, not bothering to turn the lights on.

His legs gave out on him and he found himself sitting on the floor, memories of Watari swirling in his brain. He knew it wasn't Watari's fault... that the man had never wanted to leave him... why did he feel so abandoned and lost?

"W-Watari... I need you..."

L hung his head, silently sobbing.


	24. Snapped

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tws: I don't even know how to describe this lmao. Like the mental effects of rape?

Life was good. Light suddenly found himself with L's position and he was on his way to becoming god of the new world. Who needed L? It was the same result as if he'd died.

The sound of moans filled the room, the air heavy with the scent of sex.

Light rolled off of Misa, his back sweaty and his hair sticking to his neck. She cooed happily, cuddling up to him and burying her nose in his arm.

"I love you," she sighed.

"I love you too, Misa," he replied automatically, mechanically kissing the top of her head.

She made a pleased little noise, hugging him tightly. Light gave a tight smile, his eyes slipping shut, not giving himself time to bask in the afterglow.

Kira opened his eyes, looking around in confusion. He was standing in pure darkness, his skin glowing a light red. A little ways off, he saw another version of himself, a blue hue to his body, huddled in a small ball. He approached curiously, seeing him... the pest... his eyes were hollow and he was trying his best to cover himself, mumbling some inane mantra under his breath. The pest looked at him with a sunken gaze.

"... Is it possible to rape yourself?" He laughed weakly.

Kira blinked.

"What are you talking about?"

"Misa..." He rubbed his arms protectively, his voice rasped, "I never wanted to have sex with her. Oh God, I feel so dirty... Why do we have to have sex with her?!"

Kira snickered.

"Why should I care about your feelings? You're nothing! A pest, a parasite! A little voice in my brain!"

The other looked at him sluggishly, holding his knees.

"Stop calling me a pest." He fell back into his mantra, "My name is Light Yagami, my mother's name is Sachiko Yagami. My father's name is Soichiro Yagami. I am in love with Ryuzaki-"

"Ha! Some love you two have! He abandoned you! In your hour of need, a prisoner of your own mind, he abandoned you!" Kira cackled, striding closer.

Light tensed, looking up at Kira, his eyes wide and scared. No- no, he couldn't start listening! L didn't know he was here! He'd just been trying to escape Kira! Light covered his ears, rocking.

"My name is Light Yagami. I am in love with Ryuzaki-"

"It's been months! How long are you going to fight for someone who's not coming back? Even if you miraculously got this body back, you think things can go back to the way they were? That suddenly everything will be sunshine and rainbows in your relationship? You shouldn't even exist! You're nothing but a footprint of when I didn't have my memories."

Light whimpered, shaking his head.

"My name is Light Yagami. I'm a person. I'm a person, I'm a person, I'm a person-"

Kira wrenched Light's wrist, making him cry out in surprise and look up at the other, being greeted by horrifying red eyes. He was shaking in Kira's grip, his neck craned and eyes wide in terror. Kira softly ran his fingers down Light's wrist, over the delicate bones and sending shivers up his spine.

"Aren't you tired?" Kira whispered enticingly.

Light trembled when the other gently ran his hand through Light's hair, making his lip quiver.

"Tired..." Light breathed.

"Exactly. Sleep. We were so happy when we were one..."

Happy... one... Light bit at his lip, tears pressing the back of his eyes. As much as he hated Kira, he felt so incomplete. The thought of being whole again...

"Please... stop..."

Kira sidled closer, pulling Light into a comforting hug. Against himself, Light sank into the other's grip, giving a low sob. How bad could fading really be?

"Let go," Kira purred, "sleep."

Light gaped. His blue aura flickered threateningly, his eyes going distant. Kira's hug was so warm... his body felt so dirty, the feeling of having sex with Misa making him want to shrivel. How did L survive anything remotely like that? Light blinked. L had survived... more than that, he became the greatest detective in the world. He'd found love... L was probably the strongest person Light had ever met.

He leaned away from Kira, huddling into a ball again, trying to hold on to what made him him. He forced himself to think about L, that smile. God, L had such a beautiful smile. Light's lips twitched longingly. Kira's eyes flashed in rage, but Light ignored him.

"My name is Light Yagami. My mother's name is Sachiko Yagami. My father is Soichiro Yagami and I have a little sister named Sayu. I'm in love with Ryuzaki... and I will see him again..."

* * *

L slept, half of his chest out of the blankets.

He felt a presence above him and sleepily opened his eyes, coming face-to-face with a little girl around 11 years old. She was standing next to the bed staring at him.

L yelped, almost sitting up, promptly remembered he was naked and buried himself deeper into the covers, his going a bright tomato red. She tilted her head, snickering.

"What's wrong? Worried I'll see your tiny dick?"

He blinked, the red tint of his face going a deeper scarlet shade.

"Um... _Caleeeeb_?!"

Caleb emerged from the bathroom, fully clothed and flipping through a stack of pounds. He barely glanced up from his counting.

"Christ Maizy, leave the poor bloke alone. Little brat."

She rolled her eyes with a dramatic sigh, bouncing away from L and standing in front of Caleb with a sweet smile. He grinned amusedly, pressing the pounds into her waiting hand. L gaped... that was three hundred pounds, easy. Caleb moved to the other side of the hotel room, picking up a large box.

"If you see Adeline, tell her I'm doing okay. And tell your mum that she better take it easy."

Maizy brightened and nodded. The box was huge compared to her but she managed to scamper out lugging it along. L's brow quirked questioningly. Caleb shrugged.

"Her mom's sick. Once a month, I pay Maizy to send my sister a care package. It's not enough, but it's something. And her mum doesn't have to work as hard."

L stared at him for a few seconds, lips twitching. Caleb smiled sheepishly.

"What?"

"You have a heart," L teased.

Now it was Caleb's turn for his face to go red. Collapsing onto the bed, he shook his head.

"Bugger off."

L leaned his head back, snorting.

"So Caleb does have a heart."

"Bloody Christ, shut up."

L chuckled, turning on his side.

"Admit it. You are a... bit... of a good person."

"Really not," Caleb groaned into the pillow. He picked up his head, sighing. "Adeline's the good person. We both came from the same situation, yet she managed to get herself into a pretty nice college. She... doesn't want to hear from me. But at least I can send her care packages and pretend I'm something of a brother." He pouted heavily. "Goddamnit, paying Maizy always puts a dent in my wallet."

L sidled closer, kissing the other's throat.

"Is that a cry for help?" He purred.

It was almost February, January 29, and that remained the closest he'd gotten to traditional flirting. He'd tried other flirting methods but Caleb would wrinkle his nose and say he wasn't looking for a common hooker. Caleb's eyes flicked over L, scanning over his form as if the blanket wasn't there.

"I have to meet some associates in a few hours."

L was almost tempted to just let Caleb go. He wasn't sure if the feelings he had for the other were genuine or felt nice just because the sex did or if because he hadn't been with another friendly soul in months. But he'd quickly learned Caleb's little quirks and what he liked. L nibbled softly on Caleb's ear, drawing a long groan.

"Like you said. A few hours."

Being with Caleb was the only time when L's blood was on fire. Sometimes when he closed his eyes, he could almost pretend it was Light, and that made the sex all worth it in and of itself. They panted together, the bed creaking loudly until they collapsed, exhausted.

Caleb pulled L against him, nuzzling the top of his head. L moaned, lapping at a bite he'd left on Caleb's shoulder.

"... Ryuzaki... do you really think I'm a good person?"

L blinked in shock. This was the first time Caleb hadn't called him 'Kitten'. He craned his neck, meeting worried green eyes.

"I don't know you well enough but in my personal opinion... I think you're a good person who grew up and had to survive in a bad environment... do you think you're a good person?"

Caleb swallowed thickly.

"I don't know... I'd like to think I'm better than my dad..." Caleb trailed off, snorting ruefully. He buried his face into L's hair, speaking against his scalp, "but that's not really saying anything. I'm pretty sure anyone's better than that piece of shit."

"That bad?" L breathed into Caleb's chest.

"Horrible piece of shit..." Caleb shuddered, holding L closer, their limbs tangled, "I mean, what kind of a devil would kill a family while raping their fucking kid?"

L's eyes snapped open.

His heart stopped beating.

Caleb exhaled.

"Sorry, that got dark."

L's voice sounded foreign to himself.

"... It's okay... tell me."

Suddenly Caleb's arms around him felt trapping. L started shivering, but he tried to control it, staring intently at the other's chest.

"It's really ancient history. My dad was executed a couple of years ago for killing an innocent family with some friends. Apparently he raped their eight year old kid... so, yeah. Not exactly the best genes in the world," Caleb laughed weakly.

"... Oh..."

He almost whimpered when Caleb slowly traced his fingers down L's spine, the feeling sending goosebumps peppering his skin. Caleb kissed his lips and L just sat there numbly, unable to retreat or reciprocate. He gasped a bit when Caleb shifted them so he was on top, nibbling on the soft part of L's throat. L's toes curled at how gentle and tickling the kisses were, sending his stomach violently turning.

He stared at the ceiling, his heart racing as Caleb positioned himself...

L was on his side, staring at the wall. It felt like he was underwater, everything he heard gurgled and warped. Caleb's arm was hanging against his torso. He'd fallen asleep an hour or two ago, his mouth pressed to the back of L's neck. L struggled to slide out of the bed, the strength in his legs gone. He was hyper-aware of the come running down his thigh, the bites on his skin now stinging. No... it... it couldn't be... he grabbed Caleb's laptop sitting by the window, his fingers moving at lightning fast speed. It was easy for L to hack into police records.

Caleb's picture popped on screen. He looked much younger. Maybe around twenty with a mile-long list of charges ranging from prostitution to suspected mafia-related murder.

**Ethan Hughes. Known aliases: Caleb. Robin. Dylan's Dog.**

**Mother: Abbygail Brown. Deceased 23 years.**

**Father:**

L cried out, pushing the laptop away. It clattered loudly to the floor and he abruptly stood, holding on to the windowsill for support. The noise woke Caleb, who glanced around groggily.

Monster had a kid.

And- and he'd fucked that kid...

L's eyes traveled to the other. It didn't look like 'Caleb' anymore. All he could see was Monster. Caleb was saying something, slowly sitting up. Monster's lips- _Monster, Monster, Monster, Monster, Monster, Monster, Monster, Monster_. L was going to be sick.

A low whimper left his throat.

L stumbled, the windowsill the only thing keeping him upright.

Caleb sat up straighter, eyes flashing in alarm.

"Ryuzaki. Are you okay?"

L tried moving forward, but every step sent a shock of panic through his system, making the situation weigh on him.

He'd been fucking Monster's son for months... L stumbled, sending a lamp crashing to the ground. He barely heard the thing shatter. Caleb inhaled sharply, swinging to his feet.

"Monster," L mumbled, leaning back against the window.

He looked out over the streets and cloudy sky, his head pounding. The panic began flowing more freely until he was hyperventilating, his breath coming out in ragged squeaks. His vision swam as he gripped the window sill, his throat closing on him.

"Ryuzaki! Talk to me!"

L whipped around seeing Caleb slowly approach.

Oh, God, how could he not see the resemblance before? His skin felt disgusting and he wanted to tear it off. L violently scratched at his arms and torso, whimpering, unable to form rational thought. He yelped as his own nails left long red marks. Caleb's eyes flickered worriedly.

"K-Kitten, you're scaring me... are you high? Is this some new drug?"

L hugged himself, the blood roaring in his ears. He sobbed, shrinking against the window.

"S-Stay away," he croaked, a high-pitched whine escaping his voice.

He looked at Caleb again, the familiar structure of the face. L's heart raced so fast that he thought he might drop dead. He was breathing so heavily and quickly that Caleb's edges went blurred.

L raked his nails down his throat, choking on the hyperventilation.

"Don't do that! You're going to hurt yourself!"

Caleb gently grasped L's wrist.

But in L's mind, it felt like a violent wrench. Like when Monster wrenched his arm and dragged him up the stairs. L wailed, tearing his wrist back and shaking. The terror filled his head and ears until he couldn't hear anything, the world swirling in an indecipherable blend of sound and color.

"... Ryuzaki?... It's okay... listen to me, you're having a bad reaction to some drug, I've been there... I can help you... you're safe..."

Soft fingertips touched his cheek. Caleb's face came into view and a guttural, existential shriek erupted from L's lungs.

He screamed, rearing back and kicking at full force. He just needed Caleb away.

His foot hit Caleb in the middle of his chest. As the man was propelled backwards, Caleb's head went forwards as he tumbled down.

L gasped, realizing Caleb's trajectory.

" ** _NO!_** "

He tried reaching out for Caleb's arm. It was too late.

L watched in horror.

A sickening _crack_ echoed throughout the quiet hotel room as the back of Caleb's neck snapped against the table's edge.

L's arms on the windowsill were the only things keeping him upright.

Caleb crumpled to the floor... not moving...

He stared, knees buckling.

"...Caleb?"

L slid next to the other, pressing his fingers to Caleb's neck.

No pulse.

He starred down at brilliant green eyes stuck open in an expression of shock and fear.

"...Caleb?!"

L gently shook the other's chest, not knowing what else to do. He shook his head fervently, his limbs trembling. Turning on his side, L vomited, the smell and taste permeating his senses. _He's dead. Oh God, he's dead._

"I-I didn't mean it... I was panicking!" His lip quivered and L wailed, rocking and holding onto his knees in a tight ball, "I'm sorry! Please don't leave me, please don't- you're right. I can't be alone. I always need someone! _Please_..." He tipped his head back, an inhuman sound shredding his vocal cords.

L kept rocking, feeling both cold and boiling at the same time. Touching the other's chest, L cried out.

" _Caleb_! I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

Caleb didn't respond. 

_He's dead. And you killed him_.

He curled up into Caleb's body, sobbing, shivering and repeating 'I'm sorry' under his breath. As L stared at that chest, unmoving and silent, something snapped in his mind. It was so soft and quiet that he didn't register it.

Static filled his head and the world seemed to go distant. All at once, his emotions seeped out, leaving L with nothing.

L went limp, simply repeating 'I'm sorry' into Caleb's chest.

He thought for a second that it began to snow outside, but he couldn't move.

* * *

"Evening, Captain Huxley!"

Huxley smiled, greeting his officers. He'd done well for himself over the years, had gone and made himself captain.

As he walked through the halls of his precinct, he paused seeing that one of the interrogation rooms was occupied. He glanced over at the secretary.

"What do we got in there?"

She shrugged.

"That's what they're trying to figure out. Male, late twenties was found dead of a broken cervical vertebrae. When officers arrived on scene, there was a second male, mid twenties huddled against him and repeating 'I'm sorry' so they're interrogating him right now to see if we're dealing with a homicide, accident, or manslaughter. Then again, it seems like this guy's a bit of a junkie, so who knows? He's been unresponsive to touch or other stimuli. It's been two hours and he hasn't stopped saying he's sorry."

Huxley's brow quirked interestedly.

He knocked on the door and it swung open with a very frustrated looking officer.

"I don't know Chief, I think this guy's brains are fried."

Huxley looked beyond and into the room. His mouth fell open, his heart instantly skipping.

L Lawliet... that little boy who he found in that house so long ago...

L was rocking in his chair, repeating 'I'm sorry' like a mantra, his eyes fixed on the table. Huxley's heart twisted.

Pushing past his officer, he gently closed the door and practically ran up to the other.

"Lawliet? Lawliet, can you hear me?"

L kept rocking. Kept repeating.

Huxley reached forward, gently touching L's shoulder, expecting some sort of reaction. He got none.

"L?! L, look at me..."

No change.

Huxley cursed, racing out of the room. He motioned to the secretary.

" _No one_ goes in or out of that room, are we clear?"

She blanched at his serious tone, but nodded dazedly.

L could hear running footsteps and then someone was touching his arm.

"L... oh my God... where's Quillish?"

At that, L flinched, sluggishly remembering something about a kindly old man. He couldn't really remember, it was all slippery.

Next to him, Roger ran a hand through L's hair.

"... L? Can you hear me?"

Huxley stood a few feet away chewing on his nails. Roger looked at him in disbelief.

"This doesn't make sense! He's supposed to be in Japan right now... L! Wake up!"

When that didn't help, Roger hissed out a breath. He bent down, watching L sadly. His ward's eyes were simply... vacant. Roger's fingers began to tremble, his mouth falling open.

"... You've been through so much, haven't you?... Why didn't you call?"

For the first time, L let out a soft whimper. Sighing, Roger enveloped his ward, tenderly stroking the other's hair. He could feel L shaking in his arms, the younger man's face buried into Roger's chest.

Roger shook his head.

"We um, we can talk about it in the morning..." He looked at Huxley with weathered yet grateful eyes, "thank you so much... you wouldn't happen to have a wheelchair, right?"

"Of course," Huxley murmured, retreating to look for it.

Roger swallowed thickly, holding L out. The boy's eyes were hollow and lifeless, the grey dulled and traumatized.

"Hey, L," Roger whispered as sweetly as he could. Quillish was always the one good with the kids, "let's go home, yeah? You'd like to go home, right?

L kept rocking, but at least he'd stopped saying 'I'm sorry'. Roger brushed a few strands away from L's face, his heart cracking when the other didn't even blink to being touched. Huxley came back with a wheelchair and Roger thanked him profusely. His hand lingered on L's shoulder as he started wheeling his ward out of the precinct.

"Come on, L... let's go home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had about three different Caleb death scenarios but I think it came out well lmao


	25. Home

Light worked at his computer, the investigation room tense. It'd been tense ever since L disappeared. The rest of the task force had mixed feeling about him leaving.

Soichiro thought it was guilt because L had so wrongly accused his son. Aizawa thought it was cowardice at the prospect of dying by Kira's hand. Mogi felt he didn't have enough information to form and opinion, but Matsuda was the only optimistic one, believing L had had to have a good reason for leaving. He was the only one on the task force still looking for him.

Currently, Soichiro, Aizawa and Mogi were out. As Light pretended to look for leads to Kira, Matsuda let out an 'aha' sound. Light glanced over to see Matsuda beaming.

"There was a sting operation on an underground crime syndicate! They found a bunch of stolen passports, and look at this!"

He swung around... and saw L's face... Light stiffened, his mouth falling open. Something surged in his brain. There weren't any pictures of L. This was the first time that Light had seen his face in months. Those intense charcoal eyes, ebon hair that stuck in a million directions and somehow managed to look handsome. His heart raced and he realized with a sluggish annoyance that this must be the pest... he'd been so close to getting rid of it, but it surged, making his palms tingle.

"The name's Yoshio Anderson," Matsuda murmured thoughtfully.

"A fake." Light breathed.

Matsuda shrugged.

"Yeah, I'd expect that from Ryuzaki," he laughed lightly, "unfortunately, it doesn't say where the passport was stolen from. The crime syndicate was busted in France, but the passports are from all over Europe."

"He's in Europe," Light whispered, swallowing thickly.

It was nowhere near a viable clue, yet... he fought the sudden urge to reach forward and touch the screen. Standing, Matsuda yawned.

"I'm going to go get some dinner, you want anything?"

Light shook his head in a daze.

Shrugging, Matsuda left. Almost as if in a trance, Light zoomed in on L's face, his stomach twisting.

"Ryuzaki."

A shiver ran up his spine, the world spinning.

 _No. I don't care about this! Get out of my head_!

 _He's handsome. But... this picture could be months old. I wonder what he looks like now_.

Light swallowed thickly. H-he didn't care! So why did he find his fingers moving across the keyboard? The printer started up and he practically ran to the machine, watching it slowly spit out a physical image of L. Holding it, Light swayed. Exhaling shakily, he stuffed it under his shirt and against his chest, his heart racing wildly against it. Light leaned against the table for support, his eyes wide.

"I wonder if he's safe," he mumbled to no one in particular. He wasn't sure which him was speaking... or if that meant the pest was winning...

* * *

L rocked in the car seat, staring out the window. As the vehicle moved, everything became more familiar... until he saw the orphanage in the distance. L scooted forward, his mouth open. It felt like the first time he'd come here... scared out of his mind and no idea what to do. He settled back, chewing his nails nervously. Such a beautiful building. He started rocking again, hugging his knees. The events kept playing in his brain, forcing him to relive it over and over again.

".. _. you're safe.._."

_Crack._

_Shocked eyes._

His stomach turned on him, but he managed to hold it together. It didn't feel like he belonged here anymore. Like this was a past life's home that he had no business intruding into.

It was a flurry of movement, Roger calling different people from lawyers to operatives and trying to get information.

"No, Wedy and Aiber haven't reported... no, the computer is scheduled to send L's death transmission in two days... I don't know what happened! Find out all you can on this Caleb character. I want to know who he is and how L ended up with him instead of in Japan."

L was on his side on the sofa, the static holding steady in his brain, making it hard to understand what Roger was saying. Suddenly the old man was standing over him, brown eyes shining worriedly.

"L, I need you to tell me everything that happened with Caleb. Did he..." Roger trailed off.

L knew what Roger was implying. Police had found him naked against Caleb's body and had clothed him in random garments... Roger was asking if Caleb had raped him. If killing him had been in self-defense. He opened his mouth, but found he couldn't say anything.

Manslaughter.

He was guilty of manslaughter.

He'd killed someone...

L let out a high-pitched whine, his limbs shaking. He simply shook his head. Roger hyperventilated. He knew he was handling the situation badly, but he needed to know what happened.

"L, I need you to talk to me. What happened?"

The younger held himself protectively, eyes lost and broken. Fear shot up Roger's spine. Fear that he was too late. That the boy was too far gone. L breathed heavily, his voice a low rasp as he tried to cut through the static.

"... I was... I was his prostitute."

Roger stared a him.

" _What?!_ "

"I killed him," L squeaked, eyes reflecting Roger's face, glassy and terrified, "I panicked and I- I killed him. It was an accident... I just needed some space."

The loud _crack_ of Caleb's neck replayed over and over in his brain. His face twisted sorrowfully and Roger's eyes softened.

"Oh, L..."

"I'm a junkie," L sobbed, holding onto his arms, "a coward, a m-murderer and- nothing... I'm nothing, Roger..." Tears streamed down his face as he shriveled, wailing. He covered his face, shaking, "it all went so wrong... _Oh God, it all went so wrong_!"

The static grew louder and louder until L couldn't hear anything, his eyes darting madly. His breath came out in harsh, ragged wheezing. Was this what it felt like to drown? To watch yourself spiral? He couldn't keep a grip, everything was slipping between his fingers. Suddenly Roger's hands were on his wrists... steadying him... L faltered, looking up at the old man. The static died down a few notches, now just an unpleasant hum in the background as L tried focusing on his elder's lip-movements. Roger gently ran a weathered hand through L's dark strands.

"L. Look at me. You're a good person. And you've done so much for this world."

It wasn't true. L tried fervently shaking his head. Roger pulled over a chair, never letting go of L's wrists.

"Listen to me. Ever since you started investigating robberies when you were eleven, you have caught 452 people. 278 of those are serial killers who have killed more than ten people each... The other 174 were thieves who had each stolen more than a million dollars."

L's lips quivered as he looked up at the old man, eyes torn. But Roger continued.

"You are L fucking Lawliet... the most amazing person I have had the pleasure to meet. Don't you dare doubt for a second who you are."

A tear slid down the bridge of L's nose. He closed his eyes, tightly gripping his chest and trying to breathe.

"I lost them all, Roger. Light, Watari, Caleb... it's all my fault."

Roger sighed heavily, moving them so he was rocking the other gently. L trembled in his arms, making sounds like a wounded puppy. But as he rocked, the more settled L became. Roger craned his neck to see L sleeping, curled up against him, his pale cheeks tear-stained and his teeth still chattering. There was a soft knock and Roger only cracked the door open. Near, Mello and Matt stood in he hallway, trying to peer around and catch a glimpse of L.

"Is he in there?" Mello asked eagerly.

Roger chewed his lip. No way would he allow the successors to see L's state...

"He's sleeping," Roger assured, already starting to close the door.

"We can't see him?" Near asked quietly.

"No."

Roger closed it with an exhale. That'd be tricky. Those boys were crafty... if they wanted to see L, then see him they would... sighing, he slumped into his chair when his fax machine beeped. Kay with her information on Caleb... Roger flipped through the sheets, whistling. Yikes. The guy had done some pretty fucked up stuff. Over 50 suspected murders. Armed robberies, drug selling and possession. Roger's eyes snapped to the sleeping lump.

"How the fuck did you become this guy's prostitute?" He murmured. Roger caught himself. "How the fuck did you become a prostitute in general?"

He froze when he saw Caleb's parentage.

"Whoa." Roger covered his mouth in deep thought, slowly shaking his head.

He felt like he was starting to get a clearer picture, but there were still so many holes. L was so broken... he wasn't sure if there was a way to put him back together again... but he'd try.

"Goodnight, my boy," he whispered, carefully arranging a blanket on top of L.

The other gave no reaction, his brow not so much as twitching.

* * *

"House arrest for twelve months," Roger clasped his hands together, "and you have to become sober. You get to remain anonymous and Kira or the Second Kira won't be able to trace or identify you."

L was curled up on his bed. He watched Roger and numbly nodded. A part of him had _hoped_ Light would find him. Would... kill him. A shiver ran up L's spine and he pushed the thought out of his brain. L was already missing his pills. His fingers twitched and he twisted so he was staring at the ceiling, his eyes squeezed shut as an ankle bracelet was attached. It felt heavy yet light at the same time... Roger paced back and forth, mumbling under his breath.

"The boys have been dying to see you-"

"No," L rasped, a note of panic creeping into his voice, "please not them. I don't want them to see me..."

Roger opened his mouth to respond, but L was already twisting onto his side, giving the older man his back. Hesitating, Roger nodded.

"If you need me, I'll be in my office."

No answer. Roger paused in the doorway.

"I've been working under the assumption that Quillish is-"

L flinched. He went into a tighter ball. Roger could swear he heard the other sniffling quietly.

Not wanting to push him further, Roger retreated.

He wiped at his eyes, his heart racing. L stared at his fingers. Having to become sober was the worse punishment... every time he closed his eyes, memories drowned him. Caleb's neck, the bottle shard slicing his leg, the terror of that sleep paralysis in the hospital. L buried himself under the blanket, wishing he could just disappear, could just float through oblivion. 

* * *

"This plan is stupid." Near said frankly, "and it's freezing outside."

Mello rolled his eyes, smirking.

"What, you think we'll drop you?"

"I think the two of you combined don't have the muscle mass to support me," Near replied cooly, "I could easily break a bone."

"Aw, you worry too much," Matt's lips twitched. "We won't drop you."

"Come on, Near! L's room is on the second floor and Roger won't let us use the door. And it's impossible to break in _. Ergo,_ we go through the window!" Mello beamed proudly, already moving to tie the rope around Near's waist.

Near gulped, but his face otherwise remained emotionless.

"If you two-"

"We're not going to drop you," Matt and Mello said at the same time, pushing Near towards the third floor window.

Near grumbled under his breath, holding the rope as if that'd help as they slowly lowered him. It was so cold, his fingers were already going numb. The old white stone passed in front of his face until he was in front of L's window. Near's lips pursed. The curtains were drawn. Inhaling, Near softly knocked on the glass. No response. His neck craned upwards.

"Are you sure this is the right room?"

"I'm a genius prodigy. Of course I'm sure!" Mello snipped.

Rolling his eyes, Near knocked again. When there was still no answer, he sighed.

"Alright, please pull me up."

Matt and Mello started to, but the rope snapped. Their eyes popped when they heard a _thud_ outside. They exchanged a look, slowly stepping up to the window and looking down. Some snow had broken Near's fall and he shakily got to his feet. Mello and Matt were about to breathe a sigh of relief, but his head whipped in the boys' directions. Mello held up the frayed and broken rope.

"In our defense, _we_ didn't drop you, the rope did."

Near's eyes narrowed, but he didn't say anything as he regrouped with the other two.

"Alright. We need a new plan." Near conceded.

Matt scratched at his chin.

"But the locks... Roger's accounted for our skills, I don't think we can-"

Mello smirked deviously.

"Well, there are different ways to get in and out of rooms. We'll find one."

"I'm not even sure if that was his room," Near lamented.

That _was_ L's room.

But L hadn't heard Near knocking.

The room came with its own private bathroom and he was leaning against the toilet, shivering and sweating, bile dripping from his lips. He whimpered, his head pounding. He knew he was going through withdrawal, but it didn't make it any easier. L was gripping the toilet seat so harshly that his knuckles went white. Roger's voice sounded from behind the door.

"L? I brought you some lunch."

"I don't want it," he croaked.

"... Do you need me to come in?"

" _No!_ "

L trembled, holding onto his stomach. It felt like forever until Roger sighed.

"Okay... lunch is outside if you want it."

8 days. The symptoms had started 8 days ago. 8 days of this fucking torture. L hung his head, breathing heavily. What Roger had said... that was another person. He was worthless now. A pitiful shell of a man, not worthy of anything. Falling onto his back, the cool tile seeped through his skin as he stared at the ceiling, the static growing louder.

 _I wish I was dead_.


	26. Fantasies

L didn't want to open his eyes. It wasn't like he slept, but the times that his eyes were closed was the only time no one bothered him. Roger checked in almost every hour and if his eyes were open, then Roger would try feeding him breakfast. He'd try giving L vitamins and water and soon enough, the psychologist would come to talk to him. He'd have to deal with life.

The last water and meal that Roger had brought stayed unconsumed on the nightstand. It wasn't like Roger could force-feed him.

Actually, he hadn't eaten in the almost two weeks since he'd come to Wammy's. L curled in on himself, the static always making his brain muddled and unable to concentrate. The sounds were distant as Roger came in, said something and held a stack of pancakes in front of L. L kept his eyes closed, ignoring the delicious smell. Sighing heavily, Roger tried stressing that he needed to eat _something_. L's stomach ached with longing, yet his mouth felt repulsed at the idea of trying to eat. When he stayed quiet, Roger sighed heavily. He put the pancakes on the nightstand, taking the soup that was supposed to be L's dinner.

"The psychologist will be here in an hour."

L continued pretending to be asleep. He sighed in relief when Roger left, the door softly clicking shut behind him. He stayed there, listening to the sounds of the room, the sweet smell of his breakfast filling his head.

"Wow. It must be really bad if you're turning down pancakes."

L stiffened, his eyes sluggishly opening as he twisted around. Sitting in he chair nonchalantly reading a book... Light... the sunlight bounced off his chestnut hair and his eyes were round and kind as he stared at L. He leaned back in his chair, eyes sliding to the pancakes.

"Those look _really_ good."

L's mouth fell open, his heart instantly racing. A hallucination... in that moment, L didn't care. Light was sitting right in front of him. For the first time in what felt like so long, he felt a spark of joy. L's lips twitched wryly.

"Eh. Roger's pancakes somehow always end up crunchy."

Light's nose wrinkled.

"How is that-"

"He has a habit of dropping eggshells into the batter," L sighed.

Light's face twisted. He looked at the breakfast now as if it was poisoned, shaking his head.

"Gross."

L's lips quivered and he laughed softly, the feeling causing his body to vibrate. He rested his head against the pillow, watching the other fondly.

"Exactly. Can you blame me for trying to avoid Roger's cooking?"

Light rolled his eyes, obviously not falling for L's bullshit. Then again, L supposed it was impossible for a hallucination to fall for its creator's bullshit. Light looked directly at him, face serious and his voice commanding.

"L. Eat."

L rolled his eyes dramatically, snorting almost drunkenly.

"I don't have to listen to a goddamn word you say."

Light frowned, making L almost whimper. He didn't want to see that smile to go away! Sighing heavily, Light moved to the bed. Even though a part of L's brain knew it wasn't real, he instinctually shifted to give room to the other, sitting up with the blanket draped around his shoulders. Light scanned him, leaning forward and gently touching L's cheek.

He shivered... because it felt so _real_. So real that a part of him started wondering if this really was Light.

"This place is beautiful," Light murmured.

Heat flushed up L's neck, tinging his face pink. _It's not real. Don't fall too deep_. And yet, he found himself nuzzling the hand, every piece of his body and soul wanting the other. He hadn't seen Light's face in months, and it felt like a chunk of him had been missing. Sitting here, even if he was just an apparition, sent thrills up and down his spine.

"I had some memories that I loved here," L breathed, softly kissing the palm.

He swayed longingly. Light smiled, his lips practically dripping honey and making L's chest warm.

"You always wanted to tell me fun little stories about growing up here."

"Mm." A gentle smile crept up L's lips, "despite everything, Watari tried to give me the best childhood possible. To all of us."

Light's smile was as dazzling as always. He leaned forward, making L's stomach flip.

"Why don't you start a bath and tell me all about it?"

"Light-"

"I'm not telling you to eat. One step at a time, okay? It's been almost two weeks. You stink."

L stared at him... and sighed resignedly.

He had to admit. The warm water felt good, seeping into his skin. L dipped his back, a small smile gracing his lips when Light entered on the other side of the tub. Light scooted forward until he was looming over L, but the other simply chuckled.

"Hi," L whispered.

Light smiled.

"Hi."

L gasped when the other's neck craned down, softly pressing his lips to L's. He gaped, the feeling so real... he could feel himself slipping into the fantasy, never wanting his other half to leave him ever again.

"I should've been more careful with the death note," L mumbled into Light's lips, "maybe if I had... I'd still have you."

"You were curious," Light said, shrugging, "to hold a god of death's power and see something no other human has witnessed? Maybe I should've been more careful in case I _had_ once been Kira."

Light's kisses continued along L's jawline, tracing down his throat. L's mouth fell open, goosebumps peppering his skin. The tub was so warm, and each of Light's kisses sent an electric shock through his system. The other's husky growl made L shiver pleasantly.

"Wash your hair."

"I don't waaaanna," L purred just to be difficult.

Light scoffed, lightly smacking L's arm, not hard enough to hurt.

"Pfft. Little brat. It's not like I can do it for you."

Pretending to grumble, L massaged the shampoo into his hair, tilting his head into the water. After not having washed himself in so long, his skin felt tender and tingly to the touch. Light continued kissing his temple sensually, gently nibbling on L's ear. Even as he spoke, L leaned into the other's mouth.

"This is- this isn't good... you're a- a hallucination..."

"Hm. Fair point."

"Am I going crazy?" L breathed, "I don't think it's schizophrenia, the symptoms don't align... this is a psychotic episode?"

Light settled back. The absence of his lips made L tremble in need.

"Think the problem through, L. It'd make sense that you're looking for a friendly face, no? It's possible for someone with psychosis to know they're having an episode, but not usually."

L closed his eyes, nodding.

"Right... but the hallucination's tactile..."

"Your sleep paralysis is tactile."

"But this isn't sleep paralysis," L snapped harsher than he intended.

Light's brow quirked, but he didn't say anything. L quickly shook his head. He massaged the bridge of his nose.

"Sorry."

Light cocked his head to the side, amber eyes intelligent and analyzing.

"Maybe it's a lack of sleep? In the past two weeks, you've slept about five hours. That's not healthy."

"The sleep paralysis will come back," L reasoned, turning on his side.

Light's lips were on his shoulder and L moaned softly, sinking his teeth into his lip. L shivered, touching the other's hand.

"Every time I try to sleep... they're watching me from the shadows... sitting on my chest and- and making me terrified. I can't sleep."

"Go to sleep now. I'll protect you," Light rumbled.

L nodded in a daze, getting lost in the sweet nothings Light whispered. The soft pads of his fingertips which grazed L's skin... the warmth of the bath and steam... the feathery touching of his kisses... all of it making him feel safe in Light's arms...

"L?!"

 _Knock, knock_ on the bedroom door.

L stirred, groaning. He must've been asleep for an hour or so...

"Yeah?" He called back groggily.

"The psychiatrist is here to see you. Can I come in?"

"N-no... I'll be out in a moment."

L licked at his lips, grunting as he pulled himself out of the tub. He froze, looking around, his heart cracking. The hallucination was gone... He leaned against the wall, numbly wrapping the towel around his body. It was soft, brushing against his skin. He swayed on his feet, not quite wanting to leave the bathroom. As if Light would magically appear again. After a few moments though, L realized it was pointless and finished drying his hair, trudging to the door.

* * *

The night settled and L still couldn't sleep. He sat up, waiting. Closing his eyes, he called out to Light, wanting nothing more than to see that face...

"I can't be the only face you want to see," Light chuckled.

L's eyes snapped open and his heart fluttered. He hugged his knee, a genuine smile creeping up his lips.

"Why would I ever want to stop looking at it?" L bit his lip, "it's a very handsome face... albeit a little preppy."

Light's brow quirked.

"Preppy?"

"Yeah, you have the whole distinguished uniform thing going on, perfect hair, perfect-"

"How've you been feeling?" Light moved closer, striking eyes filled with concern and interest.

L scratched at his arm, looking at the floor.

"Sweaty. Still nauseous. B-but the withdrawal symptoms should be easing pretty soon."

Light held his gaze, making L feel rooted to the spot.

"Then isn't it time you talked to the boys?"

"... I can't..." L shrank, staring at the foot of his bed. His heart pounded wildly, "they look up to me. How can I let them see me like this?"

He'd lost so much weight. His eyes were sunken from a lack of sleep and he knew his eyes had a haunted, vacant expression. A part of him wondered if they would even recognize him.

"L-"

"You don't know anything about them," L snarled viciously, "they're the most intelligent, strongest children I've ever met... it'd be an embarrassment not just for me, but for them to see what I've become!"

Light crossed his arms, pursing his lips. The disappointment in those large, round eyes was enough to leave L shriveling.

"Fucking coward."

L reeled back. He ran a hand through his hair, shaking, looking down at the bedsheet. He breathed heavily, the world feeling distant. Even as a hallucination, the insult stung. His chest crushed with the words. He picked his head up to retort, but the other was gone. L stiffened, his entire system seeming to stop.

"Light?"

There came a humming from outside his door. Standing up so quickly that his feet almost slipped, L wrapped his blanket around his shoulders and darted out into the hallway, stopping in his tracks. The old wood was cold against his feet, sending shoots of cold up his spine. He ignored the feeling, his feet producing light pattering sounds as he followed Light's singing.

Rushing into the library, L did a slow circle, his nostrils flaring.

"How fucking dare you call me a coward," he growled louder than he intended, "I-I'm trying to save them the embarrassment!"

Light's singing taunted him, made him lose focus. L stumbled, his features twisting in rage as he threw a book.

"Why do you care so much about my wellbeing?! Leave me alone!"

Why wasn't the voice just _shutting up_?! A deep anger welled in his chest and L couldn't tell if it was at Light, himself or what his life had become. He'd built himself from the ground up... an orphan with a tragic past who became the goddamn greatest detective the world had ever seen, only to now no recognizer himself... The anger festered until L roared, throwing book after book.

"It's all your fault!" L screeched, "b-before I loved you... I didn't know what I was missing! FUCK YOU!"

"L?" A quiet voice asked.

L whirled, his teeth bared, almost feral. He instantly froze, his heart pounding.

Near, Mello and Matt stared at him with wide eyes.

L was standing in the middle of the library, surrounded by thrown books and still heaving like a madman. He faltered, his hands trembling as he cleared his throat, fiddling with the hem of his blanket.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "did I wake the three of you?"

 _Did I wake anyone else_? No... no, the successors' room was the closest to the library. L would be mortified if anyone else heard. Mello took a cautious step forward.

"We've um, we've been wanting to see you. We have to catch up."

L quickly shook his head, swaying on his feet and whimpering. M-maybe they were hallucinations too? L stared at the floor, deeply troubled by the fact that he couldn't tell. Matt slowly stepped towards him, lightly touching L's arm. The older flinched away from Matt's touch, shrinking.

"The three of you should just go back to sleep," L rasped, "I'll be fine here."

The three exchanged a look. Even Near's expression for all his difficulty with emotions, was clear and decisive. The young boy locked eyes with L, grey meeting grey and resolute.

"We're not leaving," Near said both quietly yet firmly.

L stared at them, his knees buckling. He gestured to himself, hating how his voice took on a desperate tone.

"Please. I don't want you to see me like this... please."

The boys had to admit that they were shocked that this was their L. Everything about him was messier and painful, down to his shattered expression. Their hearts instantly went out for the man. This was their mentor. And he needed them. Mello smiled, the action surprisingly tender.

"Come on, L, let's get some hot chocolate, okay?"

L was still shaking, looking a bit like a cat they had to coax out of an ally. But the boys held firm. They weren't leaving him behind. Eventually, L nodded numbly, slowly following them out of the library.

L curled up on one of the large, soft seats while Matt started a fire and Mello went to make the hot chocolate. Roger opened the door but before he could say anything, Near seemed to materialize in front of the old man.

"We are his successors, yes?"

Roger faltered.

"Um... yes?"

"Roger, with all due respect, I really think we're the best chance of him opening up."

Roger stared at the thirteen year old. For weeks, he'd fought to protect the image they had of L. But there they were... in the same room as their mentor and caring for him. He quietly nodded, taking a step back.

"If you need me, you know where to find me."

Near closed the door with an exhale.

"Hot chocolate!" Mello declared, handing out the cups.

Matt winced at how hot the mug was to just hold. But he looked at L and blanched. L held his hands around the cylinder, not even showing an inkling of pain. That- that had to burn! Badly! Matt quickly took the cup from his mentor's hands, gasping when he saw that L's palms were a bright red... and no indicator on his face of pain.

The three boys shared an apprehensive look.

"Do your... palms hurt?" Mello asked slowly.

"Yes," L whispered, but he simply stuffed them into his pockets.

Near inhaled deeply and crossed over so he was standing directly in front of L. His mentor blinked, looking down at Near with a dull expression. Near's eyes narrowed a fraction... the equivalent of an outburst of emotion.

"You're scaring us."

That made Mello and Matt stiffen in shock. L gaped, staring at his youngest successor.

"... What?"

"I said. You're scaring us. You don't care what happens to yourself but we're family and we care. I've never seen Mello more upset."

Mello's eyes flashed to the side, his cheeks burning. H-he just didn't want to appear upset in front of L. But seeing his idol... the man he aspired to be... little more than a shell... it made him uncomfortable. Near continued, his voice calm yet biting.

"Matt always has a game-plan, but he has no idea what to do. L. You're scaring us... please tell us what happened. We want to help."

L stared at the other. He would never go into the gritty details. Never. Pulling his blanket tighter around his shoulders, L shuddered.

"I've... lost people who I care about. And it's all my fault. If I'd just been... better... not as weak..." L hunched his shoulders, a pressure behind his eyes, "if I'd been better, they'd all still be here. Light, Quillish, Caleb... it's my fault I lost them."

L covered his face, letting out a soft whimper.

Near gaped, swallowing thickly as the man in front of him sobbed.

"It's all my fault," he sniffled, hugging his knees.

L didn't expect anything, so he squeaked in surprise when the three pulled him into a hug. It was so warm and inviting, and so... safe. L let out a strangled sound, burying his face into Matt's chest.

"The three of you... don't think I'm disgusting?"

"We could never," Mello croaked.

The words echoed in L's ears. He hesitantly returned the hug, holding all three close. L loved these boys. More than himself or this world. He'd burn the world to the ground if it meant protecting them. And yet, here they were... protecting him...

L just silently held them, squeezing them as if the second that he let them go, they'd disappear too. 

"If any of you are ever in trouble," he choked, "... promise me you'll call m or Roger."

"We promise," the orphans mumbled softly.

Tears ran down L's cheeks as he kept the boys in that position. Until all four of them fell asleep.

Roger poked his head in, straightening in surprise at the sight.

Smiling softly to himself, he put out the fire and collected the cups scattered over the table.


	27. Promises

**"** O-oh. I'm not hungry," L smiled shakily.

Mello slid the fruit salad a bit closer to L, eyes narrowed.

"Yes. You are. And I'm not leaving until you eat."

It didn't take a genius to see how malnourished L was. His cheeks were hollow, his fingers bony and his shirt billowing around him like a tent. Even his skin was much paler and grey, making him look almost ghostly. L was a stubborn mule... but so was Mello. Near and Matt glanced between the two in awe. A competition of stubbornness? Matt couldn't help but lean into Near.

"I'll bet my gameboy that Mello wins."

Near's nose wrinkled. He twirled a strand of hair haughtily, much too above childish games such as this. Yet at the same time...

"I'll bet my rc that L wins."

Matt smirked and the two settled for the match.

L glared at Mello.

Mello glared at L.

"Insubordinate child," L growled.

Mello's lips twitched, turquoise eyes sparking.

"Aw, thank you, sir."

The match never seemed to end. Every minute twitch one party made caused the other to lean forward in anticipation.

In one fluid motion, grumbling under his breath, L snatched the bowl in his direction, hunger winning. Mello settled back triumphantly, carefully watching as L slid a piece of watermelon between his lips.

It was amazing... the best watermelon he'd ever had in his life. L used all of his willpower not to instantly devour the fruit, forcing himself to chew slowly and not overdo it. He swayed, moaning softly as he stuffed more watermelon into his mouth. Mello smirked.

"Do the two of you need a room?"

"Shut up," L scoffed.

Near's features soured at the loss and Matt grinned triumphantly, nudging the younger's shoulder. He'd be expecting that rc any time now. Mello straightened, his lips quirked challengingly towards his mentor's direction. Some small part of him was aware that he was about to massively disrespect his mentor, but... L didn't need a student now. He needed a brother.

"Make me... _old man_!"

Both Near and Matt gasped. L gaped, honestly more impressed than angry. Yet he threw his spoon into his bowl with a fake stormy expression.

"Who the _fuck_ are you calling an old man?!"

Before Mello could respond, L flung a piece of watermelon at the kid. Mello yelped as it bounced off it nose, his eyes narrowed. L started to smirk, when Mello tossed the thing right back, the fruit hitting and staining L's white shirt. Near and Matt's eyes widened. Before any of them knew what was happening, all four were throwing pieces of watermelon at each other. Well, Near ducked and hid under the table after his clothing got stained a light pink.

Mello squeezed the fruit's juice into Matt's hair, making the other try to strangle him in a brotherly lock. L fell back, wheezing, a smile spread across his lips. Drawing his knees up, he watched the two boys fight, hurling playful insults at each other. L glanced under the table, his lips quirking when he saw Near calmly fiddling with his robot. The young boy spared him a glance, looking bored with the entire situation.

"I'll have you know I lost a good rc on you," Near mused plainly.

L blinked, shrugging apologetically.

"I'll get you a new one?"

"... That's an acceptable arrangement."

A genuine smile lit up L's features.

Without even realizing, L was reaching for more fruit to eat.

* * *

**6 months later...**

L sat outside under a tree on the balls of his feet, lazily twirling a lollipop in his mouth. The ankle bracelet allowed him to go to the edge of the Wammy's House property, about a mile into the woods. He wasn't all the way over there, simply on the hill directly behind the orphanage, overlooking the vast forest. L closed his eyes, the gentle summer breeze kissing his skin. 

He heard running feet and slowly opened an eye, crunching down on his lollipop. Jay and Em paused in front of him, out of breath. They were young, four and six respectively. Em shook her head.

"I don't know what to look for," she whined.

L's lips twitched. He'd spent the entire week coming up with this elaborate scavenger hunt for all the kids.

"Do you need me to repeat the riddle?"

The two of them nodded defeatedly. L bit at his thumb, swirling it around his lips.

"Gsv xofv uli gsv glb hlowrvi uli dsrxs blf hvvp, rh fk zmw wldm yvblmw gsv xivvp. Blf dlm'g mvvw gsvhv fmgro blf'iv zm low nzm. 59-92-10."

Jay yelped, quickly writing everything on his hand. The two of them beamed, thanking L and scampering off. L huffed a soft laugh after them. It wasn't a difficult riddle by Wammy House kids standards. When translated via the Atbash Cipher, the message read 'The clue for the toy soldier for which you seek, is up and down beyond the creek. You won't need these until you're an old man. 52-92-10'. As for the numbers, they could be put to the periodic table and would spell out 'prune'. There were a couple of prune trees not too far from the creek where the next clue was hidden.

Simple.

Any four year old could solve it. The _really_ difficult clues came later on.

At some point, Near trudged over, grumbling and collapsing in the shade.

"It's so hot," he complained.

L gnawed on the lollipop's stick, lips curved in amusement.

"Roger locked us out so we could all 'get fresh air'. But you can stay here with me."

Near nodded. L stiffened in surprise when Near curled up against him, essentially knocking L off the balls of his feet. He stared down at Near, who'd already falling asleep and sighed.

Today was a good day. There weren't many, and most of L's nights were sleepless. But withdrawal was over and he'd slowly but surely gotten back into eating and putting in the effort to survive... and today was a good day........

"L, help me set the table?"

He nodded, putting out the dishes while the chef took care of the food and Roger went about the orphanage telling the kids to get ready for dinner. L took a step back once he finished, staring at the three long tables for all 32 kids.

Nodding to himself, he went to look for his successors, pausing outside of the den when he heard hushed voices.

"We can't let him see this..."

"This is fucking sickening!"

L's brow furrowed and he swung the door open.

His successors and four of the other kids jumped, looking at him guiltily as Mello fumbled to turn the tv off. L glared at him, crossing his arms.

"Turn it back on."

Mello swallowed thickly, not saying anything at first. It was Near who cut in, his voice even.

"Sakura TV has become an international station because... it's started airing Kira's Kingdom, hosted by Hitoshi Demegawa."

L stiffened, remembering the man and the disgusting annoyance he was. Just another greedy human, not caring who was hurt on the way to glory and fame.

"Turn it back on," he repeated.

Mello hesitated, but ultimately sighed, switching it back on. There were numerous pictures and names displayed, with Demegawa talking about why these people should die. L stared at the screen, his heart pounding. The way the man talked was fanatic. A crazed lunatic so insane and devoted that it made L shudder.

Demegawa was in the middle of explaining, when he shot to his feet, features twisting in a sick excitement.

" _Breaking news! Atsuo Namikawa has just been pronounced dead! Praise our god and his infinite wisdom and judgement!_ "

A shiver ran up L's spine. He bit at his lip, his fingers itching until Matt gently poked Mello's arm.

"Come on, dinner's going to be ready soon," he said pointedly.

Nodding, Mello quickly turned it off, wringing his fingers and staring at L.

The entire den was quiet, the tension in the air thick and heavy. No one knew what had happened to L in the Kira investigation. Just that it was bad enough to nearly destroy him. They waited apprehensively, staring at him.

L smiled pleasantly, motioning for the door.

"Grilled chicken, corn and potato. Anyone hungry?"

The kids gaped, but didn't push as they filed out before L. L lingered, his eyes going to the cooling tv screen, the energy still fuzzing across the darkness. Kira... _Not my problem_. Sighing, he closed the door and joined the others, trying to forget. He picked at his food, eyes lost in thought. L tried not to think about it, he truly did. But 'Kira's Kingdom' made chills run over his skin. L forced himself to eat, not wanting to fall out of the habit. He stood up and Butterfly glanced in his direction, her smile sweet.

"Hey, L! We're going to watch a movie, you want to join us?"

"U-um, no thank you, Butterfly. Maybe tomorrow."

L smiled softly and continued for his room. His successors looked at each other worriedly, whispering to each other under their breaths.

Sighing, L collapsed on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Kira's Kingdom... he could only imagine how drunk on power Light was...

"You know it. It was a system of balance and checks where you balanced and checked me. Now that you're gone, I'm going off the rails."

L gasped, sitting up quickly. Light was sitting on his dresser reading a book. L gaped, his heart skipping nervously and his palms sweating.

"You... but I stopped having hallucinations months ago!"

Light tilted his head, smirking playfully.

"So I'm special?"

Color spread throughout L's cheeks. He shrank, swallowing thickly and averting his gaze.

"I-it's not healthy to hallucinate..."

"Hm. Is that what you said when I kept encouraging you to eat? When I held you at night after your sleep paralysis? When you were bored and we played some mental games?"

L had to stop himself from smiling at the memories. As he'd slowly improved, the visage had disappeared about two months ago, and L thought that was it. He thought he'd never see Light again. And a part of him had been okay with that. L looked at the ceiling again, his voice quiet.

"You're so real though... it's unnerving..."

"Hm. Fair. Although. You are one of the greatest minds ever born, I'd think your hallucinations would be a bit more evolved."

L rolled his eyes, a small smile playing at his lips.

"Did I used to really sound this arrogant?"

"Do you want the honest answer?"

L huffed good-naturedly. He paused though, his features going melancholy as he drummed his fingers against his stomach, feeling the vibrations.

"You said I checked and balanced Kira... why me? It's not my problem anymore."

"It doesn't have to be," Light conceded. He and L met gazes... and Light tilted his head, "but you promised not to leave me as something I didn't want to be. You promised to kill me, L."

L didn't reply at first, squeezing his eyes. He did promise that, didn't he? To a crying, begging Light who was terrified of being Kira. Who'd hugged him and for the first time had seemed so small... Light moved closer, his lips inches away.

"What if you're wrong? What if instead of disappearing when I regained my memories, I'm trapped in my own body? That'd really be torture, wouldn't it?"

L's eyes widened in horror and fear. He stood quickly, meeting the hallucination's face with a snarl. He grasped Light's shirt, skin prickling at how real it felt.

"No."

"And if that was the case, that'd mean you abandoned me and your promise," Light hissed darkly.

L's knees buckled. Shaking his head, he pushed the apparition away. Light stumbled back, eyes blazing. Amber locked with grey, challenging and angry on both ends.

"Shut up!" L growled, not even caring if he was being loud, "he's gone!"

"But how do you _know_?!" Light screamed, taking a menacing step forward, "rule #1, Lawliet! You never assume!"

"If you call me that name again, I'll-"

"You'll _what_?" Light snickered, his eyes narrowed, "obviously a part of you is considering the idea that your Light still exists! Otherwise, we wouldn't be having this conversation!"

The strength left L's knees and he slid to the ground, breathing heavily. He hugged his legs close to his body, resting his chin on his knees and staring at the other's legs.

"Occam's razor simply states that of any given set of explanations for an event occurring, the simplest one is most likely the correct one," L whimpered, "the simplest explanation is that my Light is gone."

Light knelt in front of L, eyes shining pleadingly. L slowly looked at him, his heart echoing in his chest. The room was so quiet that it was impossible to concentrate, to focus. Light swallowed thickly. His voice was soft and gentle, yet firm and grounding.

"Occam's razor makes no absolute assertions. The simplest isn't always correct. L... the death note is a supernatural tool the likes of which are impossible to measure. Admit it. You don't know its effect on me..." Light's voice cracked, " _you promised_... I need you."

They stared at each other. L swayed, his lips brushing against Light's. Light's lips always tasted fresh with a hint of coffee. L's chest squeezed with a love so intense that it was terrifying. His eyes slipped shut and when he opened them again, Light was gone. His arms shook and it took all his effort to struggle to his feet. He looked down at the ankle bracelet, the reminder of what he'd done to Caleb. L sighed heavily, gently touching the small device. Caleb... Ethan Hughes... hadn't deserved to die. He couldn't control who his father was. They were both victims of the man. 

"I'm sorry, Ethan."

His eyes steeled and he stood determinedly.

* * *

The boys were sitting in their rooms, their voices low and hushed.

"What do you think happened to him during the Kira Case?" Matt pondered.

Mello had no answer. In his eyes, nothing could rattle his mentor, but he'd seen the proof that that wasn't true. Hell, for the past six months, he'd spent the majority of his time helping him recover. Near spoke up, his voice calm and thoughtful.

"A romantic relationship."

Mello and Matt blanched, staring at the boy. Matt huffed a short laugh.

"You have to be kidding me."

"No," Near shrugged, "he said he 'lost' Light, Quillish, and Caleb. Based on the fact that L's pupils dilate whenever he hears 'Kira' and 'Light' and his voice changes pitch, I believe that Light is Kira and they were intimately involved."

The two stayed quiet, in deep thought. Their L? Intimately involved with his criminal? What happened though? Something so horrible that L had been in such a state... there was a soft knock at the door and Mello answered. He sucked in a sharp breath, carefully swinging the door open.

L stood on the other side with a sheepish expression. His eyes fell on Matt, his tongue heavy in his mouth.

"Matt. I need your technological expertise."

Matt was taken aback, never being chosen first for anything. It was always third, sometimes second if he was lucky.

"Y-yeah?"

"I need you to get the bracelet off without setting it off."

The three stiffened, cocking their heads. Near idly twirled a strand of hair.

"You're leaving?"

L hesitated, his eyes flicking to the ground. Inhaling deeply, he nodded resolutely.

"There's a promise I have to keep."


	28. Reunion

The second the ankle bracelet dropped to the ground, L was packing. The boys watched him quietly, until L turned around and they all surrounded him.

"Where are you going?" Near asked.

"L, are you sure you're okay to travel?" Matt piped up.

"Let us come with you!" Mello demanded.

L sighed, shaking his head and bending down. He knew these three would follow him to the ends of the earth... and he couldn't have that. Not now.

"I have to do this. I made a promise to the person I love..."

If L were being honest with himself, he didn't have a plan. All he knew was that Light had turned into the very thing he feared, and L wouldn't be able to rest until he knew Light was at rest.

"We want to go with-"

"No... look at me." L gently touched the side of Mello's face, "Mello... I'll die if anything happens to the three of you."

Their eyes widened, realizing the other was being genuine.

"But what if you die?" Matt whimpered, "how will we even know if you're okay?"

"If I'm not back or have made contact in a month, assume I'm dead," L whispered.

The boys' eyes widened. L stood, grabbing his bag and slinging it over his shoulder. His successors tried protesting again, saying anything they could to get him to stay. L gave them a kind smile, standing by the door. They were all breathing heavily, the fear for their mentor painted across their faces. L's heart warmed as he smiled softly.

"Hey. I'll be okay. The three of you... are amazing kids. You made me want to live again." His lips twitched, "I won't die so easily."

They all sniffled. Even Near's eyes had gone reflective and misty. Surging forward, they shocked L as they pulled the detective into a tight hug, burying their faces into his chest.

"You better come back in one piece," Mello croaked.

L tenderly ran a hand through their hair, nodding.

"I will... I'll see you guys soon."

The boys stood dejectedly, watching L slip through the hallway and out the door.

On his way to Japan...

"... We're following him, right?"

"It wasn't obvious? I already bugged him."

"I'm already packed."

* * *

Light didn't understand why he'd been drinking so much lately.

Why he still kept that damned picture of L folded neatly in his pocket.

Misa was out at some charity event... she'd asked him to go with her a million times, and every time, he'd say no. He knew he was supposed to be looking for an apartment for them, but he didn't feel like doing anything. Getting out of bed and walking down the stairs to the investigation room had become such a chore.

It was late and Light suspected she'd be back in a few hours. Grumbling to himself, Light went to get another drink, downing it so quickly that he stumbled. Aizawa sat in the break room, noticing him and wincing at the fierce rapidity with which Light drank.

"Um-"

"Mm. Aizawa! You know that singing group we're suspecting?" Light slurred, "I think we're on to something!"

He laughed loudly, shaking his head. Before Aizawa could even think of a response, Light was trudging out, singing softly under his breath, his fingers in his pocket tracing over L's picture.

* * *

L knew his building's security like the back of his hand. It was state of the art, but not without its flaws. If it was flawless, Wedy wouldn't have found the breadcrumbs of weakness.

L walked through the tunnel under the building, every step echoing uncomfortably loudly. There was no way Light found the tunnel, a secret passage for escape in case of emergencies... L stepped onto the rickety traction elevator, chewing his lip. It was old, unnervingly so. _Heh, watch me fall to my death before I can even confront Kira_. He shuddered. _Okay, yeah, maybe don't think about that_.

He stepped out onto the landing and up another flight of stairs behind pushing open the secret door that was behind a painting of a very delicious looking cake. The painting swung outwards and L crept into Watari's old office. He froze, his heart beating uncomfortably fast. Nothing had been touched... resulting in a fine layer of dust coating the entire office. L swayed on his feet, slowly running a hand over the dark mahogany. Moving to the bookshelf, L slipped out the Sherlock book he'd given Watari as a birthday present when he was 18... he flipped open. the cover, his eyes misting.

_To Quillish,_

_I'm not the best with words or sentiment. But they do say that actions speak louder than words. Therefore, I'm giving you this book. It was from my childhood and means a lot to me. Happy Birthday, sir._

_L_.

L's lips twitched as he traced the 'L'.

"Professional, my ass. It took you an hour to write that message."

He hissed out a breath, almost not wanting to leave the office. Outside the door was danger. Kiras and Shinigami he had to avoid. This here was his own private little bubble. Full of hidden clues only he and Watari shared. L made a silent pact with himself that once he completed his mission, he'd visit Watari's grave with gifts. He moved across the office and displaced another painting, this one of a banana split sundae. Behind it was a small, keypad-locked door barely big enough for him to fit through. He quickly punched in Watari's birthday, opening it to reveal yet another passage. L's lips curved.

The entire building had these dessert paintings everywhere. On every floor and practically every room. Considering L's diet, the paintings weren't too suspicious and then the crawlspaces were practically impossible to open unless one had Watari's birthday. Each crawlspace opened into the complex network of staircases and tight hallways. Hopefully he'd be able to avoid everyone, including the Shinigami, this way. A part of him wondered if Rem already knew of the passages, but he decided that she probably wouldn't tell Light. She didn't seem to particularly like him and she'd find information like this irrelevant.

He held his breath, the journey so tight that his shoulders brushed along the walls. L paused, hearing voices on the other side. _I must be near the break-room_. He listened intently, identifying Aizawa and... Light... his mouth fell open hearing those sweet melodic tones. The way his voice rumbled with every word. It sounded like the other was drunk.

"-suspecting? I think we're on to something!"

L smiled softly, pressing his forehead against the wall. What he wouldn't give just to see the other... L's fingers spread longingly over the inside of the wall, half-tempted just to burst through there and then. He blinked, shaking his head. One step at a time. He couldn't get distracted now.

The plan was to look around Light's room when he was gone. The best case scenario would be if L could find Light's death note and figure out how to erase his memories. Worst case was that Light would find him and L would be forced to kill the other. L shuddered, trying to push that possibility out of his brain. Although... he knew that even if he erased Light's memories... he wondered if they'd have ever get back what they once had. There was so much damage, so much pain. L sighed. He'd cross that bridge when he got to it. He continued on, stopping at the entrance to his and Light's old room.

Holding his breath, he made his way inside.

It'd changed a lot, Misa's influence everywhere. Her brush on the dresser, her clothing strewn to the side whereas Light's was folded neatly in the hamper.

It seemed like Misa spent a lot of her time here, making L wonder if they were planning on moving in together at some point. He staved off the prickles of jealousy as he stepped over her discarded underwear, stepping to the nightstand and opening the drawer.

Yeah, he figured the book wouldn't be there. Didn't hurt to look. Growling to himself, L continued searching the room, feeling along the walls and floors, knocking to find any hollow spots. Damn. The death note could be anywhere and he wouldn't know how the memory loss worked unless he could find it and talk to the second Shinigami. Hopefully that one would be much more helpful than Rem... L's hand subconsciously went to his waistband, where he'd strapped a knife for protection. He had to hurry. He was wasting way too much time.

L moved to the bed, feeling along the mattress, his lips pursed. _Death note, death note, if Kira was planning on moving, where would he hide a death note in the meantime_?

The room's door swung open.

L's eyes snapped up.

No time to hide or even charge with the knife...

Light trudged into the room, exhausted. He yawned, swaying on his feet.

He froze in the doorway, his eyes wide.

L was laying down calmly on the bed, staring out of the window and at the cityscape in the distance. He was... L was right there... It was dark outside, but all the buildings were illuminated by little lights shining in the windows. Light's nostrils flared, his entire brain skewing through a million different emotions and thoughts.

"Ryuzaki?"

_Kill him!_

_Kiss him!_

_Smash his head through the window!_

_Tell him everything will be alright_!

He panted, his knees buckling.

Inhaling, L forced himself to look at the other. All at once, old feelings surged, just as confusing for him.

_Love._

_Hatred._

_Fear._

_Safety_.

The two of them stared at each other, the air quiet and tense. Light shuddered, his voice unrecognizable.

"... You came back..."

L swallowed thickly, scanning the other. His hand was under the pillow, fingers wrapped around the handle of his wickedly long knife. He knew finding the death note would be next to impossible. He knew coming here that there was a 90% chance he'd be forced to kill Light. To fulfill his promise. But he was right there... chestnut hair swept forward and amber eyes holding his own. L's heart twisted sadly.

"Yeah," he whispered, "I came back for you. Because I love you... and I need you."

Light trembled, the words bringing another torrent of different reactions.

"I'm sorry I left," L purred, slowly stretching out, his fingers tightening on the knife.

Light shook his head, exhaling harshly.

"W-what happened to you?! Where have you been?"

"It's been hard," L admitted softly, "there were some moments when... when I wished I was dead."

 _I'm sorry, Ryuzaki! I keep trying to fight! I'm here_!

"Oh..." Light slowly walked towards him, a low fire already igniting in his veins.

Seeing L like that, across the bed and staring at him intensely, his lithe limbs calling to both Kira and the pest.

L bit his lip, his grip on the knife so tight that his knuckles had gone white. _You're doing this for Light. He deserves peace_. He steeled himself, expertly stopping his eyes from misting. Light shivered.

"I-I've missed you..."

"I've missed you too..."

Light slowly straddled L, looking down into charcoal eyes, his heart racing. How many nights did he dream about having L sprawled out in front of him again? But now that it was actually happening, his limbs were locked, ideas about what he wanted to do racing through his brain and splitting him. Swallowing thickly, Light craned down, his lips hovering over L's.

"I don't understand," he whispered, "why are you here?"

L bit at his lip.

"You used to understand the appeal for me. To have Kira, who could so easily be my death also be my lover."

The words made Light's cock throb in his pants, every inch of him, both Kira and the pest urging him to kiss the other. Their lips made contact and L's eyes flew open, the feeling taking his breath away. The knife almost slipped out of his grip, the blood roaring in his ears. A low whine left his chest and L's mind spun, getting lost in the sensations, the feeling only intensifying when Light's tongue slipped between his teeth, dominating his mouth. His body wanted to arch into the other's touch, feeling like he'd found something he'd lost so long ago, his pulse thundering.

L's eyes narrowed though, forcing himself down from the high.

He shrieked into Light's mouth, bringing the knife out and swiftly plunging it for Light's back. Light gasped, rolling off at the last second and falling to the ground with a loud _thud_. He quickly scrambled to his feet as L twisted to his own, the mattress sinking where his weight pressed down.

Not giving Light the chance to recover, L launched himself, colliding into the other, his legs wrapped around Light's waist, their chests pressed against each other. The force of the impact pitched Light backwards, throwing him into the windowsill, where he caught himself. L hung on, bringing the knife up.

Light yelped, trying to throw him off. One hand managed to grip the knife's handle alongside L's. They snarled at each other, fighting for control of the knife. Supporting both of their weights, Light stumbled, swaying from side to side. Roaring, he smashed L's back against the wall.

The impact took L's breath away.

He gasped, almost letting go of the handle. L desperately kicked his heel into Light's hip, making the other grunt in pain. They growled at each other, half out of hatred, half out of frustration that even this, even trying to literally kill each other, was making them aroused.

Thinking fast, L's face jutted closer and he sank his teeth into Light's nose.

Light howled, trying to step back, but L's legs were latched onto his waist. L viciously tore his mouth back, tasting blood and flesh.

" _You son of a bitch_!" Light screamed in agony.

L spat out the chunk of flesh onto Light's face. The other made an inhuman sound of rage, turning them and dropping down onto the glass table, smashing L's back. The table shattered, showering the floor with shards.

Pain exploded as small pieces of glass embedded themselves through L's shirt. He gasped, the pain so harsh that his legs slipped, finally freeing Light.

Light lunged for the knife, trying to wrench it out of L's grasp. It worked, but before he could rear it up, L kicked him in the abdomen, sending Light backwards. He screamed as he landed on glass too, the knife falling from his grip and clattering across the floor, sliding out of reach.

The two of them panted, staring at each other. Light shook his head, blood streaming from his nose and temple.

"What the Hell?" Light growled.

"Do you even have any of his memories?" L seethed, "I promised I'd kill you rather than let you exist as this... this _thing_!"

They locked eyes, bleeding and hurt... and both rushed for the knife at the same time.

Light slammed his fist into L's temple, trying to get ahead. L tackled his once-lover, holding him in a bear hug and biting his ear, pulling without mercy. Light shrieked, rolling onto his back and smooshing L against the glassy floor. The fight was without rhyme or reason, desperate to take the other down. Light dropped all his weight via his elbow into L's stomach. L inhaled sharply, the room going dizzy as he tried orienting himself. Feeling like he was about to throw up, L tried getting onto his hands and knees.

It was the time Light needed to grab the knife, whirling and tackling L.

L squeaked when a large hand wrapped around his throat, holding it to the ground. He scratched at the hand, his lungs screaming for air as he tried bucking Light off.

Light's lips twitched in a snarl as he held he knife up. Panicked sounds echoed in L's chest as he slid his legs, tears pressing in the back of his eyes. _I'm going to die_. He choked, his face going red as he struggled to breathe, meeting Light's blazing amber eyes, his lip quivering. L's gaze went pleading, terror shooting through his system. He failed. L tried saying Light's name, but could barely make a sound.

 _Light_...

The knife swept downwards and L closed his eyes.

Nothing happened.

L cautiously looked.

The knife had stopped about an inch above L's eye, the tip of the blade sharp and making him tremble. His gaze slid towards Light's face. It was... twisted in agony, his entire body twitching.

"No!" Light screamed.

Light threw his head back, whimpering. The hand loosened, just enough for L to be able to breathe. He watched Light with wide eyes, unable to move as Light held his scalp in pain.

"Just let me kill him!" He sobbed, rolling off of L and writhing, "just him! Just let me kill him!"

L slowly sat up, his limbs numb. His teeth chattered, his throat bobbing with every cry of pain that tore from Light's throat.

"No!"

"Let me! This is my body!"

" ** _RYUZAKI_ _!"_**

Light wheezed, scratching at his head, tears rolling down his cheeks. He struggled to sit on his knees, staring at the knife almost in a trance.

"You've used my body for _months_..."

He slowly turned the knife so it was pointed at his throat. L's eyes widened. Light wrists moved.

"NO!" L screamed.

The knife fell to the floor as L violently wrenched Light's wrist. Light exhaled, staring at the knife and shaking. L's grip on Light's wrists were impossibly tight, as if the second that he let go, he'd lose him.

Light looked at L, suddenly so small and scared... L's breath caught. His Light...

"Help," he whimpered.

L's eyes widened as he enveloped Light, smoothing a hand over his back.

"I'm right here," L's voice wavered, "I'm so sorry I left, but I'm here..."

His Light cried, sagging into L's grip.

"Ryuk!" He yelled, "g-get..."

He twisted in L's arms, choking, scratching at his throat, wheezing. L inhaled sharply, tightening his grip. Ryuk? Who-

"Get rid of it," Light sobbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :D


	29. Raze

Ryuk lounged on the dresser, enjoying the show. It didn't get much more tragic than two former lovers battling viciously with the intent to kill.

He found the whole fight very interesting.

"Ryuk. G-get... get rid of it," Light choked out.

Ryuk pursed his lips. Did that mean the end of his fun? _Maybe I should just kill him now_. Although... Ryuk hesitated. It might be interesting watching Light's trauma... the broken shards of his soul trying to come back together, remembering pain and suffering but not who caused it. Ryuk's lips curled.

This could be interesting.

His eyes glowed a dark red.

Light gasped, freezing in L's arms. L looked down at the other, his heart racing.

"... Light?"

He pulled back to look down at Light's face. The other's eyes were glazed over, his pupils sluggish as he blinked... L's breath caught. Light's entire face seemed to change, becoming rounder and softer, the amber in his eyes less harsh.

"Ryuzaki?" He breathed, slowly looking over L's features.

L stared at the other, stuck between a laugh and a cry. It almost didn't feel real... like another cruel joke the universe was playing on him. It'd fit the motif, wouldn't it? Presenting him with... with _Light._.. only to have the illusion snatched away again.

"Light." L slowly touched his palm to Light's cheek.

Light winced, his gaze flickering in confusion.

"What do you remember?" L murmured in awe.

Light paused, his brow scrunched. His eyes misted and he whimpered softly.

"I was... I was fighting someone... I was someone's prisoner... every second... I was fighting to stay alive for months. And then- Misa?" Light shuddered, covering his mouth, "I was having sex with her? I never wanted to have sex with her... oh, God. Almost every night for _months! **Oh God**_!"

Light gasped, pitching forward. L's eyes flashed in alarm as he hugged the younger, his stomach twisting. This Light, his Light, had seen everything? Felt everything Kira did?

"Oh God, it was so disgusting," Light sobbed, shrinking into L's body, "I-it was so wet, and- and there were so many folds and I just told myself that if I pretended to like it, it wasn't rape. But I couldn't stop it... I begged and I couldn't stop it..." Light looked at L with desperate eyes, "Ryuzaki... who was I begging to? I don't remember."

"... Kira."

Light let out an incoherent sound. L nodded, smoothing a hand over Light's back. Misa... an instant, dark anger flashed through his system. But he tried controlling it, gently running his fingers through Light's hair. Suddenly, Light's eyes snapped in L's direction, wide and terrified. L gaped as Light started shaking. Trembling so badly that he looked like he'd fall apart at any second.

"I hurt you."

His breath came out in panicked wheezes, his memory like Swiss cheese. Some moments felt so clear, some so muddled. He could almost hear a cruel voice in his head, but he couldn't remember what it said or what it wanted.

"Ryuzaki... I hurt you... why did I hurt you? I-" Light rocked, his eyes darting, the confusion so overwhelming that he couldn't focus, "my hands were always around your throat! And- and I'd bite your neck too hard... Oh my God, what have I done?!"

Strong, grounding hands touched Light's shoulders. He stopped, looking up at intense grey eyes.

"Light. Listen to me. That wasn't you... it'll take time, but I need to hear you say that it wasn't you."

Before Light could open his mouth, they heard voices down the hallway.

Matsuda and Misa talking! Misa was coming to the room!

All at once, Light's panic returned. His vision swam, all the hairs on his skin standing.

"Oh my God, she's coming. She's coming, she's going to kill you. And then she's going to have sex with me, and-"

Never letting up on his hug, L practically dragged Light towards the painting, shifting it and revealing the crawlspace door. Light's hunger for knowledge got the better of him for a second and he tilted his head curiously.

"That was always there?"

"I'm surprised you never changed the decor," L replied wryly, shielding the keypad as he put in the password.

Without waiting, L practically shoved Light inside, making sure everything was closed. Light was holding his arms, a haunted look on his face.

They listened intently.

The room's door swung open and Misa's sickly sweet voice echoed throughout the apartment.

"Oh, _Liiiight?_ " Misa screamed seeing the mess from their fight.

Light covered his ears, letting out a low whimper, shaking his head. The crawlspace felt so small and closed off. He needed- he needed fresh air! Light was tempted to claw at the insides of the walls, rattle and scream as he tried to escape. It just felt so _confining_! L's eyes widened seeing the other on the verge of a panic attack. Before he could give away their hiding spot, L enveloped Light, slowly sitting them down. Light curled into L's body, burying his face into L's shoulder and crying softly, the sounds muffled.

L exhaled.

Jesus Christ, they were both messes.

"Rem! Rem, I think Light's been abducted!"

L winced, holding the other tightly.

It felt like forever...

"Did you check the security cameras?" Rem rumbled.

"Not yet! S-someone took my Light! I'll find them... and kill whoever's responsible," she screeched.

Light's trembling only worsened. He was shaking in L's grip, looking up at the detective with a terrified gaze. L quietly kissed the top of the other's head, rocking the both of them. He tightened his grip on Light. If Misa wanted Light, she'd have to pry him from L's cold, dead hands.

The bedroom door closed and both L and Light breathed a sigh of relief. Light sniffled, scanning L's face.

"You don't hate me?" He whispered.

"Light. We can talk about this once we're safe, okay?"

Light nodded numbly.

He followed L out into the tunnel beneath the building. It was dark... scary. Light shivered, his feet shuffling.

"I don't remember Kira," he whimpered, "I just remember... fear... and pain... and begging and- my hands always on your throat. I was fading and dying and..."

 _Shit, shit, I have to get us somewhere safe_. L felt like breaking down too. From the memories. From relief. From the prospect of figuring out their next moves. But having a goal to focus on was keeping him grounded. He spared Light a look, wincing at how lost and broken the other's eyes were, his feet trudging in a trance.

"Bruises on your neck," Light mumbled distantly, "I remember- bruises on your neck. Why was I hurting you?"

"I saw a motel a few blocks down. We can hide out there for the time being," L tried changing the subject.

Light's head bobbed.

Ryuk cackled, following closely behind. This _was_ interesting! The death note that Light had just relinquished was in a safe deposit box at the bank. Unless someone broke in and took it, Ryuk could take it back at any moment.

He was going to be enjoying this show for a _long_ time.

* * *

L closed the motel door, hissing out a breath. Light was sitting on the bed, staring at his hands in awe, as if he couldn't recognize them. Shaking his head, L walked briskly over, gently touching Light's chin.

"I need to clean your nose... see the damage."

His entire nose was crusted over in blood, making it hard to see how deep the wound ran. L felt stabs of guilt, but tried to ignore them as he led Light into the bathroom, grabbing a rag and some peroxide.

"Light, come here."

"You do hate me," he whispered, stumbling into the bathroom.

L didn't respond at first. Because the truth was... a part of him did hate Light... no, not Light. Kira. The fact that Kira had taken something so beautiful between them and twisted it. L hated that Kira and Light shared a face, forcing him to picture Kira whenever he saw Light.

So he chose not to say anything, motioning for Light to sit on the toilet lid.

"I'm sorry," Light's lip quivered.

L sighed.

"I need to clean you up."

Light swallowed. L didn't want to talk about it... he could respect that. Light shivered, making a sound of pain as L gently dabbed the peroxide rag against his nose. He pitched forward, his arms locked and his eyes shining fearfully.

"How bad is it?"

Leaning forward, L bit his lip, examining. He sighed softly, his voice going clinical. One problem at a time.

"Looks worse than it is... I don't think there will be breathing problems, at least. You'll most likely have a scar along the bridge-"

L faltered, the rag pressed against the nose. Light was watching him with those large chocolate eyes, the light reflecting off of them. L tried opening his mouth again, but found he couldn't speak. His fingers lingered over the other's face, hesitating longingly as he brought his arm down. As far as scars go, it'd be hard for someone like Light to live with. L could already imagine the injury's scar, always making Light conscious. L swallowed thickly, holding his rag tightly.

"I'm sorry," he whispered lamely, "about your nose."

Light shivered, hugging himself. They stayed there silently, the only sounds coming from late night traffic outside. Here in the bathroom, it felt like they were the only people in the world. 

"Your back," Light murmured.

L faltered.

"What?"

"Your back... I s-smashed it through glass. It's bleeding."

Oh... L hadn't noticed. He numbly stood, twisting to look in the mirror. It was true. The back of his shirt had dozens of dark red spots, making the area cling to his skin. There was even a few pieces of glass still stuck. L's lip quivered, not wanting to come down from the adrenaline, not wanting to feel the pain. Light held up the rag, but L flinched away. He didn't even mean to, it was just an instinctual reaction.

Light stopped, quietly wringing the rag between his fingers, his voice rasped.

"I'm um, I'm going to get some sleep."

"Light... I love you..."

"...I know."

Nodding, Light went into the other room. L sighed heavily. _Yeah, the two of us are definitely messes_. He wasn't sure how long he was there tending to his wounds, but he froze when he heard a soft cry.

"No, please don't hurt him... don't hurt him! _Leave him alone!_ "

L gasped, rushing into the bedroom. Light was curled up in a ball, his eyes squeezed shut as he sobbed, gripping his hair. L's heart pounded and he slid next to Light, pulling the other into a comforting hug. The younger was startled awake, pale and shaking. He instantly clung to L, burying his face in the detective's chest.

"Ryuzaki..."

"I know, I know."

They stayed there, neither one daring to move away. L blinked, sensing that the other had fallen asleep. He gently stroked Light's hair, kissing the top of his scalp. He did love him. He'd do anything in this world for Light, fight anyone he needed to... he'd raze the world to the ground if it meant protecting his other half.

There was a knock at the door.

L froze, his eyes snapping in its direction, already planning on how to save Light. The knock came again, more quiet and almost... timid. Inhaling sharply, L crept towards the door, chancing a look through the peephole. He deadpanned, practically throwing open the door.

"You idiots! I told you not to follow me!"

The boys all shrugged simultaneously.

"When have you ever known us to actually listen?" Mello smirked.

L growled, glancing back in Light's direction. He was still huddled in a ball, his body trembling. The boys looked past L. Near twirled a strand of hair thoughtfully.

"Is that 'Light'?"

L's eyes flew in his direction, wide and caught off-guard. Near tilted his head.

"You've mentioned him a few times, and I proposed that you were in a romantic relationship with him."

They locked eyes, neither uncomfortable with the silence, but Mello and Matt fidgeting. L quietly closed the door so he was standing outside. He crossed his arms.

"Go back to England."

"No."

"Go. Back. To England."

" _No._ "

L growled, biting at his thumb. This was bad... he couldn't have his fucking successors putting themselves in harm's way like this!

"Fine, you want to know who he is? Light is Kira, but without his memories. Heaven forbid he actually becomes Kira again though and he obtains all of Light's memories. Light _cannot_ see the three of you!"

"But he's not Kira now," Matt interjected smoothly.

Mello nodded.

"This case isn't over."

"Yes it is," L whispered, "boys, I didn't come to 'solve the case'. I came to either kill or free Light. I couldn't give a damn was happens to that notebook..."

Notebook? The boys listened in rapt interest. L shuddered.

"I just want my Light. That's it. Anyone else who becomes Kira can have his whole damn world."

They stared at him, not sure how to respond. L looked out into the darkness and massaged the bridge of his nose again. It was too dark... the five of them would just have to go to the airport together in the morning. Opening the door, L started, blinking. Light was sitting up, his back against the headrest. His eyes were hollow, his cheeks tear-stained. L swallowed, crossing over to his side and nuzzling the top of his head.

"Light? Do you need anything?"

No response.

Hm, where had L seen this before? Light didn't even acknowledge the boys' presence, everything feeling echoey to him. He'd done so much bad... hurt so many people... had been hurt himself... felt like dying so many times. And he couldn't even remember Kira. His voice, what he said. It was all missing, leaving him abused without an abuser. Broken without someone to blame.

"I need to die," Light croaked, looking at L, "I can't become Kira again. I won't."

"You're right. As long as you don't touch the notebook again, you won't," L said determinedly. He knew the boys were listening intently. "The death note is a book where you write down someone's name while picturing their face. Light you 'gave it up' and lost your memories... The first time, you regained them when you came in contact with the book. You're safe now."

"Safe?" Light hugged himself, hunching into L's body, "but the book's still out there."

"Light..."

"We have to find it and make sure no one else uses it..."

"Light. Neither of us are in any condition to do that."

L felt tears staining his shirt.

"Please," Light cried, "I need to know that Kira will be gone for good. I need to-" he fell asleep, his face still pressed into L's chest.

Not knowing what else to do, L motioned for the boys to take the other bed.

"What do we do," L mumbled to himself, running a hand up and down Light's back.

Yes. He'd raze the world for Light... he'd let it be razed if it meant keeping him safe. He settled down, feeling Light's heartbeat. Internalizing it until he fell into an uneasy sleep himself.


	30. Justice

"Light?!" Soichiro yelled, running through the halls.

Everyone was running, screaming Light's name, looking for him. Misa sobbed, blowing into a handkerchief, her body shaking with the tears. Rem touched her shoulder reassuringly. Seeing her beautiful Misa sad always made her, in turn.

"Please, Misa, don't cry," Rem implored.

"I can't help it," she gasped, her voice strained, "wh-who would take my Light?!"

"I'll find him for you," Rem promised, just wanting to stop the girl's tears.

Misa sniffled, nodding slowly.

"Thank you, Rem. I need him."

Rem stepped away, phasing to the roof and looking out over Tokyo. It would take a while, but she knew she could eventually find Yagami. It just confused her why he would leave. Or how he was abducted, if Misa's theory was correct. The brief notion that he didn't have his memories flashed in her mind, but she dismissed it. There was no reason for the boy to give up the death note. She whole-heartedly believed he would never give up the power of being Kira. Light was much too power-hungry. She'd met humans like him and doubted anything was stronger than that lust for power and the misguided belief of justice and godhood. Snapping her bony white wings out, Rem lifted into the air, the wind shifting her hair back as she soared. 

* * *

Light woke feelings eyes on him. At first, he thought it was a remnant of his dream, but when he twisted around in L's arms, he saw those three boys from last night staring at him. Light shrank into L's sleepy grip, burying his face in the detective's chest. A part of him was curious about the boys, but after everything that had happened... suddenly three children appearing out of nowhere didn't sound so strange. He felt L shift and his eyes slid up, not daring to meet L's, the shame still running hot.

"Good morning," Light mumbled.

"... Good morning."

They stared at each other, L's eyes cryptic. Light thought he'd say something, but the detective looked in the other direction.

L moved away, leaving Light shivering. All the touches were there... the comforting hugs, the gentle way L had cleaned his wound, but... it was all different. Something missing between them. Light hugged himself as L went to check on the boys, talking in hushed tones. L glanced in his direction.

"Light. Meet Near, Mello, and Matt. They're um... the closest thing I have to family."

He didn't want Light to know they were his successors. Even though he knew Light wasn't Kira, he couldn't work around the small yet constant suspicion. A part of him felt bad for feeling this way... keeping his distance from Light. The three looked at Light and he felt like he was under a microscope. He didn't meet their eyes either, watching the old carpet intently. Light whispered something which almost sounded like a greeting, his voice a mumble...

The five of them sat in a circle.

L sighed, explaining everything about the death note that he knew. Light and the boys stared at him incredulously, exchanging glances. As L explained the death note, Light leaned forward, pushing the depression and hurt away.

"Are you serious?" Mello huffed.

"Shinigami... notebooks..." Light swayed, stuck between being genuinely intrigued and realizing that's probably what got him in this mess to begin with.

L nodded heavily, looking between them all.

"There's a plane going to England in a couple of hours. We need to be on it."

Light blinked, tilting his head up.

"But... I thought we were going to neutralize the book!"

L crossed his arms.

"No. It's too dangerous. I did what I came to do, Light, you're free. Let someone else deal with Misa Amane and any other Kira that might pop up."

"You can't mean that!" Light cried out, straightening, "my dad's still on the task force! He's at risk!"

"We'll extract him," L growled.

"But- but we have a duty!" Light cried out, his breath quick.

He twisted the bedsheet between his fingers, his eyes misted. L bristled, crossing his arms.

"Duty to _who?_!" L scoffed.

"T-to myself! To all of Kira's victims! How can I just leave?!"

L's lips pursed. The boys shrank back, looking between the two men with wide eyes, sensing an impending argument. The air crackled and L stood, huffing.

"We're getting on that plane," L said decisively.

A tear made its way down Light's cheek.

"How the fuck am I supposed to find peace if- if that thing is still out there!?"

Now L was crying, fear choking his throat. His knees buckled and he swept out an exasperated arm.

"You- you can do it! We can do it!"

Light was shaking, hugging his knee. He was tempted to. God, he wanted to leave Japan and never think about death notes ever again. He needed to give all those families... himself... justice. But, how could he do that if he was always thinking about Misa? About how she'd always be lurking... looking for him. L's lip quivered, gripping at his chest. The thought of losing Light again... of Kira returning...

"Ryuzaki, I have to!" Light's voice cracked.

"NO! You don't..." L's chest heaved. He couldn't stand anymore and he sank to the bed, staring at his hands, "please, Light. I can't lose you again!"

The boys looked at each other, feeling like intruders in such a private moment.

L and Light locked gazes, a million things passing between their eyes. They didn't say anything, both knowing they couldn't change the other's mind. L sniffed, clearing his throat. He glanced at the boys, suddenly aware of how intense their stare was, them trying to figure out what to do. L smiled shakily, stepping for the door.

"Um, it looks like we'll be here for another day. I'll um, I'll get some supplies. The three of you stay here."

The boys nodded slowly, flinching as L left the motel room. They looked at Light, stuck between wanting to be protective of L and yet realizing that Light had every right to feeling the way he did. Still. Mello chewed his lip, shifting.

"... Ryuzaki loves you... I've never seen him so scared for another person. Don't break his heart."

They still didn't know what to make of Light. None of them really knew what they'd been expecting. But this... was not it. And they'd never had to play the role of 'protective brothers'. It just wasn't in their coding.

Light squeezed his eyes, hanging his head. He knew... he knew L loved him. And yet the questions kept swirling in his brain. How could they possibly be together, find some way of trusting each other again, if Kira always loomed over them? L would always regard Light suspiciously. 

He sobbed, covering his face. He just wanted this nightmare to be over.

The boys reeled back, not saying anything.

L was gone for most of the day, and Light was curled up on his side, hiding his face.

Matt leaned in to his brothers.

"We have to do something," he whispered.

"You have any ideas?" Near countered, twirling a strand of hair.

Matt sighed, avoiding Near's gaze.

"... No."

* * *

Everyone ate dinner quietly while the news played, talking about Kira's latest killings. Misa's murders. L stared down at his ramen, poking at the noodles, but not eating. Over the past six months, he'd gotten better about eating healthier food, but he found that all he wanted was something sweet. Something to numb and deaden his tastebuds.

Light flinched when L pushed his ramen away and stepped out to the outside railing. 

He leaned against the railing, staring down at the motel's parking lot. There were only two cars, old and rundown. The motel gave him the creeps. It was the sort of place where someone could get murdered and their body wouldn't be found for weeks. L rested his chin on the back of his hands, letting the warm air hit his face.

Maybe Light had a point. Besides justice, disposing of the book meant closure. It meant the ability to move on... L sighed. He'd never been good about moving on. 

The door gently opened and closed and he didn't need to look to know that Light was behind him.

The other silently stood beside L, looking out into the night with him. The air lay heavy, laden with promises and prospects of what could've been, trauma and sadness. The questions bogged their mind. How? How could they be with each other?

"I have something to ask, and it's okay if you don't want to answer," Light said in a hushed tone.

L looked at him curiously, nodding his permission. Light inhaled deeply, picking at his palm.

"How... did you catch... that man? D-did you catch hi- shit, this is coming out wrong."

L tensed, holding onto his arms. He understood the reasoning behind asking. Light was trying to say that the feelings L harbored, the hatred and pain and need to catch Monster was comparable to that Light felt for Kira. He wasn't sure how much he agreed with that sentiment, but L had to admit that it had its merits.

"It took me a full decade, but I found him. He was the manager at some store... one of the most normal guys you could ever imagine coming across." L snorted derisively, "his coworkers called him 'nice' and 'a fun guy'. I organized the team remotely as they caught him... it was the best day of my life seeing him taken away in chains. I'd never felt more accomplished, and I pulled some strings to give him a death sentence rather than life in prison. Light, I'm not blind. I know how you feel. The deep anger. Someone took a part of you that you'll never get back and it twists you up inside... you just want the nightmare to end. Like I did. I spent years tracking him down, never once letting up on my need to find him... He's dead and I still feel incomplete and angry..."

Light watched him with wide eyes, swallowing thickly. He smoothed a hand along his face, wincing at the sharp pain from his nose.

"Is it revenge I'm after? Or justice?... I don't know anymore..."

He barely registered it when L hugged him and he sucked in a breath, looking at the other. The hug was warm and tender... comforting in the strange way only L could achieve. Light leaned into his touch, burying his face into wild black hair and inhaling the smell of strawberries. L pulled back just enough to look into Light's eyes, his face inches from the other. Being so close to L again... it sent Light's heart pounding wildly.

"Don't feel bad about wanting justice," L murmured, "you deserve it. We both do."

Light swayed on his feet, gaping.

"D-does that mean...?"

"I won't put the boys at risk... but I agree that the death note has to be neutralized. It's too big of a threat." L grinned wryly, "and you're a pain in the ass. I know I can't change your mind, only make sure your dumb ass doesn't get into trouble."

Light nodded in a daze. They were really going to do this...

"We need a plan."

L considered, grey eyes flickering in debate. He sighed tiredly.

"It's been a long day with a lot of emotions. We can figure it out in the morning, when we're rested."

Light smiled softly. With L, he felt like he could do anything. Like he could take on Kira and actually win. L's wry grin made his stomach flip and he leaned against the railing, tilting his head.

"Sounds good. I know we'll win, whatever we do... one last question."

L blinked expectantly.

"We all know 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9, but do you know _why_ 7 8 9?"

L's eyes narrowed a fraction.

"Really? Now?"

"Sue me. I found the joke a while ago, but Misa didn't get it."

"Mhm." L rolled his eyes, but he was fighting the smallest of smiles, "why?"

"Because you need _three squared_ meals a day!"

Light wheezed. L groaned, looking to be in physical pain.

"Jesus Christ. Even your jokes are nerdy," L snickered.

"Oh, yeah? Bet you can't come up with a nerdier joke," Light challenged, leaning against the railing, his eyes sparked challengingly.

L huffed, thumb going to his lips.

"Why shouldn't you let advanced math intimidate you?"

"Why?"

"Because it's as easy as _pi_."

"OH, shot to the heart," Light cried out dramatically.

L giggled, his cheeks flushing as he smiled.

"Okay, okay, I got one," Light held up a hand, "I had an argument with a 90 degree angle..."

"Yeah?"

"Turns out he was _right_."

L snorted, covering his mouth. He was so handsome when he laughed, his chest quivering. Light's eyes went fond, his heart beating a little faster. He still wanted to break down, to fall apart and never get up. But he had a goal now. Neutralize the notebook. He could use it to keep himself together, to give himself motivation to go on. L perked up.

"I have another one-"

The boys watched from the window, their faces twisted in utter confusion.

"I don't get those two," Mello mumbled.

Matt shrugged helplessly and all Near could do was stare. They didn't understand L and Light's connection, but... they couldn't deny that L was smiling. A rare sight they'd learned to savor and had worked at achieving for months. And then this... _guy_... just had to tell a few bad jokes.

Ducking back and returning to their ramen, the boys ate thoughtfully, trying to decipher those two.


	31. Hey, Sweetie

Light's eyes fluttered open to sunlight slicing across his lids. There was something warm against him... He looked down and his eyes popped, instantly awake. Sometime in the middle of the night, L had rolled over and snuggled against him, his lips pressed to Light's throat. He was so close... Light could feel L's breathing against his body, could feel the slow yet steady beating if his sleeping heart. Light's own was racing, his brain in system-failure as he stared at that mess of black tangles. Did this mean... L was trusting him again? Even a little? L shifted and Light's eyes snapped shut. The detective made a bit of a surprised sound. Light felt the mattress depress and shift as L stood up. He tried to stave off the disappointment, his brain stuck between happiness that it happened and longing that it'd happen again. Light sighed inwardly. Baby steps. It'd take time for L to want to be with him, not to mention a relationship... if at all...........

"Ugh! This is impossible," L exclaimed, running a hand through his messier-than-usual hair, "how the Hell are we supposed to figure out where Kira left the books?"

"Look on the bright side, at least we know the one that Rem is attached to is in the task force's possession," Light offered, uncrumpling one of their discarded plans. He tapped his chin thoughtfully, "Maybe there's a chance Kira left his book at headquarters too?"

"It would be clever. No one would expect the second book to be there," Near offered quietly.

L conceded with a sigh. No. It- it was still too risky. And there was still the matter of Rem. They'd have to go through her to get at least one of the notebooks and if it turned out both books were at headquarters, she'd be the ultimate obstacle. He had no idea what she was about, what she wanted, or why these books had ended up in the human realm in the first place. Too much missing information. As long as they kept scrabbling through the dark, they'd never progress. L leaned back, staring at the faded wall. Answers. He needed information and answers.

"We'll figure it out." Mello said determinedly.

No one responded.

Light's eyes moved to L, silently admiring. _How does his hair look so soft when it's so matted_? He had the most overwhelming urge to fluff it, to bury his face in it and play with the strands. L glanced in his direction, feeling Light's gaze. Light stiffened, his cheeks heating at the realization that he'd been staring.

"Yes?" L asked quietly.

He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, suddenly conscious of the large scab along his nose. Why was he suddenly thinking about that? It's not like L cared about such superficial things. And yet, he felt... vulnerable.

"Oh... nothing. I was, um, just about to take a shower," Light quickly moved to get up, feeling all of their eyes on him.

L's gaze softened and he nodded slowly.

"... Yeah. Okay."

Light retreated into the bathroom, holding his back against the door. His heart was racing wildly. They'd been at this motel for five days and every little thing L did lately made his entire body flutter nervously. He wasn't getting the same sense from L... did L feel the same? Probably not. Not after everything Light had done to him. Although... they did joke and... he'd seen L smile... he knew L loved him, but was love enough? _Y_ _ou're overthinking. You always overthink._

_Or maybe you're pushing the problem away._

He stripped and carefully placed his watch on the counter before stepping into the shower.

He stood under the water, feeling it soak into his hair run down his skin. Light slowly scrubbed himself, hesitantly touching along his nose, a shiver going up his spine. What would he say to his parents when they inevitably asked what happened? Every time he left the house, people will stare at him... Light hung his head, constantly trying to remind himself not to get caught up in the superficials. 'It's what's on the inside that counts'.

"Load of bullshit," he grumbled, stepping out of the shower and drying his hair. People would always make assumptions and treat others differently based on appearance. _If I try to deny that, then I'm plain old naive._

He picked up his watch and frowned, noticing for the first time that it wasn't working. _It must've gotten damaged in our fight_... he sat on the toilet seat, tinkering and poking at it. Light froze when a little slot slid out, a piece of paper tucked neatly inside.

Light stared at the paper curiously. He was about to touch it, when his hand stopped.

Paper. A notebook... He stood abruptly, his pulse echoing and thundering. Light was so frantic that he almost ran out of the bathroom naked, cursing and throwing on his clothing in a mad scramble.

L and the boys were still talking when Light stumbled out, holding the watch as if it were a bomb.

"Ryuzaki! Look at this!"

The boys looked up in surprise, not yet having seen Light so animated.

L craned his neck, gasping softly when he saw the small compartment.

"You clever bloke," he murmured, "... so you _can_ tear the death note without dying..."

He cautiously picked up the paper, inspecting it.

Light fought the urge to lean closer. To want to study and understand it. He hesitated, a part of him deeply disturbed at how fascinated he was by the whole concept of the death note. Light forced himself to step away from the paper.

"Can't we just write Misa Amane's name?" Matt asked.

"Technically we could," L admitted, "but there are still unknown factors. She's the only one who might know where Kira's death note is. She's the only one who can tell us about Rem and her intentions. If our mission is to completely neutralize Kira, then we need to be thorough."

 _Damn... damn, damn, damn_ -

"Use me," Light blurted before he could register what he'd just said.

L's eyes snapped up.

"What?"

Light faltered, his face going pale. He stuttered, avoiding the boys' eyes.

"Well, um, all the information we need... it's all in Kira's mind. T-tie me up. If I touch that paper and become him again, then... interrogate Kira. Hell, maybe I'll have access to his memories and can just tell you myself."

L stared at him, those grey eyes unblinking and making Light shift on his feet. He scratched his arm consciously.

"S-stupid idea. Got it."

"Brilliant idea. Terrifying idea," L clarified, his voice a mumble, "Light, we have no idea how the memory loss works. What if you can't 'get rid of it' again?"

Light swallowed thickly, staring at the ground.

"True... true. Yeah, you're right. It was stupid."

"If we put aside sentiment, it is the best course of action," Near said.

L's head whirled to the younger, his teeth bared. He didn't care if he looked hostile at that moment.

"Shut up."

Near's eyes widened. He shrank, quietly twisting his hair. Mello straightened, glaring at L. No one got to be mean to Near but him!

"He was speaking his mind, get your head out of your ass!"

"We're not intentionally making him Kira again!"

"Christ, you used to take so many risks! I aspired to that-"

"And look where it got me! Mello-"

"It's my decision," Light cut in gently, his tone wavering, "we'll have access to all of Kira's knowledge... I'll have access."

L looked away, his eyes closed. The fear washed through him like a wave, the thought of seeing Kira. Of Kira overwhelming Light. But then again, he couldn't see himself being with Light if Kira was always in the back of his mind. When he opened them again, his eyes were schooled and calculated.

"Boys, you've all excelled in knots. Tie him up. Under no circumstances can he be allowed to escape. If things start getting out of hand, knock him out."

* * *

Light pulled harshly at the restraints, testing them. When they held firm, he met L's eyes, trying not to show how scared he was. Hissing out a breath, L touched the paper to Light's neck, watching intently.

He expected a scream like in the helicopter. Of Light practically dying. But there was none. Light just gasped, his pupils constricting, his eyes seeming to go darker. L tried to keep the tremble out of his fingers as he was rooted to the spot by the other's gaze. A slow, serpentine smile crept up Light's lips.

"Hey, Sweetie."

L took an abrupt step back, still holding the paper. The second the paper left Light's skin, his eyes rolled back and his head lolled forward. Light blinked, looking up at L in confusion.

"Well? Aren't you going to try?"

The boys gaped. L clutched the paper tighter. Could it really be that simple? He decided to test it again, ignoring the cruelness that appeared and disappeared just as quickly. L's mouth fell open in shock. It was true... Once Light lost contact with the paper, his memories would disappear!

A new confidence warmed L's chest as he touched the scrap to Light's neck again.

Light blinked, his eyes darting. He shrugged.

"Not working. Maybe you should untie me and we'll try something else."

L could tell it had. Light's entire air had changed. When he didn't move away, Kira's lips curled and L fought the urge to bare his teeth.

"Ryuzaki," he purred, chuckling, "this isn't going to work... I'm going to escape. And when I do, I'm going to kill you. Gruesomely. Intimately, until you're screaming for either sweet release or death."

The boys' eyes widened and they moved uncomfortably, not wanting to imagine a 'gruesomely intimate death'. They looked at the man in a new light, not having realized how different Light was without his memories. Suddenly they understood how L fell so far down. L's lover had been replaced by a completely different personality. They silently gazed at their mentor, their hearts straining for the man.

Rolling his eyes, not phased, L leaned forward, his voice dripping with disdain.

"Where's your death note?"

"In your mother's grave," Kira replied idly.

L's teeth grit.

"Tell me about your Shinigami."

"Odd fellow. Likes apples and Mario Kart," Kira shrugged innocently.

Pursing his lips, L grasped Kira's chin. Kira blinked, a slow taunting smile on his lips.

"You're going to hurt me? I'll still be hurt when you take my memories away. And Light will remember every second of you hurting him-"

L cut him off with a kiss.

It was gentle and rather chaste, his lips simply pressed against the other's. Light's body froze, staring at L with impossibly wide eyes, a myriad of emotions passing through his gaze. L swayed, his lips still brushings Light's.

"Are you okay, Light?" He whispered.

The man in front of him didn't answer at first, still reeling from the kiss. Light blinked, looking at L in a daze.

"... Yeah..." He breathed, swallowing, "... I'm okay." Light nodded a bit, more convinced, "I'm okay."

L smiled softly. It was a simple, beautiful smile that left Light's palms sweating and his throat dry.

"I'm right here... and I'm not going anywhere," L said, kissing his forehead.

He could remember everything again... from seeing the death note tumble through the sky up until the moment when Kira had been disoriented from the fight and he regained control. Light breathed slowly, feeling Kira stirring in his brain, his old memories and goals demanding to take precedence over his ideals now. Two goals in direct conflict with each other. He nuzzled L's hand, forcing himself to focus on that.

"My death note... it's- it's in the bank. Safe deposit box #212. Code 34-22-12. It's what I use for all my killings. Since the task force is in possession of Misa's death note, it's in a secure vault at headquarters. My book's pages are never-ending, so I tear out what I and Misa need for the week, burn the pages once the week is over, and then repeat the process. I was going to move the death note into our new apartment once we got settled."

Destroying evidence. Clever. L cupped Light's cheeks tenderly, smiling gently.

"Kira. Kira does all that."

Light stared at him, a gentle smile of his own lighting up his features.

"Right... Kira does that-"

It was exhausting. Sorting through his memories and how they made him feel. The desire to become Kira in the first place. But Light did it. He talked and talked and soon it became easier as he described the rules of the death note, talked about Ryuk, and all his little plans.

L couldn't help letting out an 'aha!' when Light mentioned his chip trick.

"The bag! Why didn't I think about the bag!" L chastised himself.

Light's lips twitched into a soft smile. When he started talking about meeting Misa, he faltered, his gaze going distant. His eyes popped and he straightened, suddenly urgent.

"You can't go after Misa! Her Shinigami, Rem! She loves Misa and will kill to protect her! If- if a Shinigami kills to lengthen someone's lifespan, the Shinigami will die."

L froze, his eyes wide. Rem was suicidal for Misa? That- his knees buckled, the room spinning. That was a massive problem. He shook his head slowly.

"Maybe we can negotiate with Rem? What if we spare Misa from the death sentence?"

"Not good enough," Light lamented quietly, "Misa loves me... has- has said she'd kill herself if she didn't have me. Rem wants her happy, and in her eyes, Misa will only be happy if she's with me."

Light whimpered, a tremble overtaking his body.

"Misa loves me... sex... I don't want to... Kira, stop... stop her! _P_ _lease_!" Light cried out, panic shadowing his features.

 _Use her. She's our weapon. Then kill her_.

 _No_!

"She'll kill anyone to stay with me!" Light's let out an inhuman sound.

Gasping, L retracted the paper. Light was still shaking, gagging a bit as if he were going to throw up. He shuddered, wanting to curl in on himself, but restricted by the restraints.

"I'm her toy," Light's tongue felt heavy and his throat closed off, "someone's making me have sex with her..."

"Light, do you know where you are?" L asked soothingly, running a hand through Light's locks.

Light looked at him in confusion, until he shook his head and groaned, feeling like his brain had been tossed about.

"Did- did it work?"

"Yeah," L nodded reassuringly, "you helped so much. We know where the death note is now."

Light smiled weakly, his eyes shining proudly.

"I'm glad... once the book is burned... I want to give us another chance. I want to be with you L, and I know you don't trust me-"

"I do," L swallowed, gently cupping Light's face, "I do trust you, Light. You fought for months... for us... you held on to us and kept believing what we had was real." Their breaths mixed and L's stomach flipped pleasantly, "I love you."

Light's breath caught. He hesitantly pressed his lips to L's, shivering. The kiss was still uncertain on both ends. The beginning of a lot of work. But they knew they'd get there.

Together.

"Come on, Light," L stood as the boys undid Light's restraints, "we're going to the bank."

* * *

Matt was their remote lookout from the hotel, using the bank's own security cameras to make sure neither Misa or the task force somehow ended up in the bank. Near and Mello pouted, both of them hating to feel useless, yet L had forced them to stay at the motel. Mello snapped his chocolate bitterly, instead opting to watch Matt work.

L followed Light into the bank, his stomach jumping. This should be easy. Light would show any needed identification and L would handle the book. They stepped through the crowded bank.

Light instinctively tilted his face down, trying to hide his nose, but he could feel everyone watching him. Wasn't there a psychology term for such a phenomenon? The imaginary audience? Was this that... or were they actually staring at him? Light whimpered, his knees wobbling. For one horrible second, he thought he would collapse, but he felt L's warm hand wrap around his. Long fingers brushed the back of his palm and the expression on L's face made Light's lip quiver. Squeezing the hand, they made their way down a hallway and to the other room.

L pushed the door open and froze. He'd touched that scrap of paper from Ryuk's book. That's what he had to assume when he saw the tall, gangly blue Shinigami looking down at him and cackling, his appearance shockingly different than the other Shinigami's.

But that wasn't the worst part.

Rem stood quietly in the corner behind Ryuk, watching L with intense, blazing eyes.

Light looked at L when the detective stopped in his tracks, confusion painting his face.

"Ryuzaki? Is everything alright?"


	32. Good Person

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tag: The word suicide is mentioned, but that's pretty much it. Thought I'd mention it either way.

L instinctively took a step back, his eyes bugging. Rem's eyes narrowed to slits, the disdain palpable on her face. L didn't even realize he'd stepped in front of Light protectively until the younger tapped his shoulder.

"Ryuzaki? What's going on?"

Ignoring him, L met Rem's gaze head-on, realization making his fingers prickle. Of course... how could he have been so stupid?!

"You've been searching for Light, haven't you?" L whispered, "but Tokyo is such a big city... it makes sense to wait by his death note, something Kira would never abandon."

"But it seems as though Kira is no more," she rumbled, tilting her head.

Light bit his lip. "Ryuzaki, are you- are you talking to a Shinigami?"

L nodded in a daze. Ryuk cackled, settling back to watch the show, genuinely interested in who would win. As a Shinigami, Rem held all the cards, but both L and Light were rather crafty humans. L's eyes moved in his direction, dipping his head respectfully.

"You must be Ryuk. Here."

From his bag, L produced an apple, tossing it in the Shinigami's direction. Ryuk gasped happily, catching and shoving it in his mouth, large grin managing to go wider. Rem's nose wrinkled, glaring at L. 

"I thought you'd renounced your title, had given up on the investigation. I'll have to kill you..."

"Are you sure that's in your best interest?" L blurted, his heart racing, "I know, Rem. You'd be killing me to lengthen Misa's life, and in the process, you'll die."

Rem inhaled sharply, the two of them engaging in a staring contest, neither daring to move. He knew? Suddenly it felt like her greatest move was no longer there. She was the one to growl lowly.

"I cannot allow you to take the book."

Rem held up her own death note threateningly. 

"Leave. I know that if you get the death note, you will write Misa's name," Rem barked.

They couldn't leave the death note here! Rem would warn Misa and then they'd be right back to where they started. _Shit, shit, shit._ L thought quickly. He moved so rapidly that Light didn't even register what was happening until L was shoving him on his knees. Light opened his mouth to ask what L was doing, but yelped when he felt L's hands around his head.

L's gaze flashed in the Shinigami's direction. His voice wanted to waver, but it came out steady. Much to his relief.

"Alright, Rem, this is how it's going to go. You're going to let me take that book. If you write my name, I'll snap Light's neck and then all three of us will die. We both know the probability is that Misa will commit suicide if Light dies."

Light trembled in his grip, but he couldn't think about that. He threw in all the conviction he could in his voice, his stormy grey eyes blazing. Could he really do it? Would it mean he was stronger, or weaker, if he couldn't? Still. His face remained even and schooled, making it nigh impossible for Rem to decipher a bluff. She huffed, her features twisted in disgust.

"You wouldn't," she said softly.

"Try to kill me and we'll find out," he answered cooly. L paused, getting a sense of her. He straightened, the words like bile in his mouth but forcing himself to speak. "You think I love him, but you yourself know Rem. You know humans are disgusting creatures incapable of love."

It had the desired effect. Rem was doubting herself, too new in this human world to know how these strange little creatures functioned. Light swallowed thickly. L didn't mean that. He couldn't... no. He didn't. Light steeled himself, repeating it in his mind like a mantra while L continued, wishing more than anything that he could see the Shinigami.

"I want the death notes... you can tell if the death note is used on someone, right?"

Rem hesitated, nodding slowly. L exhaled.

"Give me Kira's note. I swear I won't write Misa's name. And if I do, then you can just kill me. Tell her that Light is being held hostage by a group called The WB. If she wants to ever see Light again, she'll have to bring her death note... I'll trade you Light for her death note."

Rem bristled, her fangs baring untrustingly. Gelus' death note belonged to Misa! How dare this human demand it?!

"I don't believe you!"

"Then I'll take Light with me and you can kiss any chance of Misa seeing him again goodbye."

She snarled, obviously hating this, filling the room with a dark tension. L's gaze never wavered, his grip never faltering. He'd lied to himself for years that his trauma was manageable on his own. It had given him quite the skill for lying. For remaining cool-headed when all he wanted to do was scream and cry and shake in fear. All of which he felt like doing now. L's voice came out in a challenging hiss.

"Both books for Light. This is the only way Misa will get him back."

Light remained quiet, his gaze distant. L... did have a plan, right? He knew L would never just trade him like that. He closed his eyes, just waiting for L to finish this one-sided conversation. To let him go. _I trust you, Ryuzaki_. He knew. L would never hurt him.

Rem's gaze was so intense that L could wither under it. She swayed, obviously wanting to refute but realizing that even when she held all the cards... this human had managed to find power in this powerless exchange. Sighing, she moved aside, watching L contemptuously as he grabbed Kira's death note, holding it to his chest. Light stared at the little black book incredulously. That? That was what was fucking up the world? It was so small and inconspicuous... Light breathed out slowly, his heart racing. Truly the perfect murder weapon... no one would ever think that was it. He was still having a hard time believing that was it.

"Where do you want to make the trade for the second book?" She grumbled.

L's grip on the book was so harsh that his knuckles were white. He held up his head.

"There's a warehouse that should service. The Yellowbox. Be there Friday at 5:00 pm. I'll be waiting."

Still holding Light threateningly, L slowly backed away, until they were rounding a corner and out of the Shinigami's sight. He released Light, who collapsed to the ground in relief, heaving and feeling sick from fear. Fear of something he couldn't even see. He couldn't imagine how L was feeling.

L's knees buckled. They wanted to give out on him. He wanted to slide down and curl up. L wanted to disappear and purge and take his pills and-and... L whimpered. Fuck, he needed his pills. The way they calmed him down and allowed him to shut off from the rest of the world... _There **is** a pharmacy down the stre_\- He forced himself to stay in the present moment, touching Light's shoulder. A part of him knew that he was running on pure adrenaline. Once that adrenaline dried up, he'd be a husk again, a ball under the blankets hiding from the world. But for now... he was a cold and calculating detective who always did what had to be done.

Light leaned into the touch, nodding resolutely. L would explain everything, he had faith in the detective. The two of them dashed outside, taking different routes and keeping their eyes on the sky to make sure Rem wasn't following. What was a twenty minute walk turned into an hour of twisting and turning through different streets until they felt confident.

The boys greeted them, asking a million questions at once. L smiled gently, looking between them. He held the death note up between two fingers.

"One down, one to go."

He flopped onto the bed, looking at the death note. Light cocked his head, sitting next to L and being careful not to touch the little book. 

"Are you going to tell us the plan?" He chuckled nervously.

L nibbled on his finger. His teeth used too much pressure and he winced when he tasted blood. He sighed, painfully aware of all the eyes on him, demanding answers. _Everything was so much simpler when I was just Caleb's toy_. His shoulders hunched, trying to push that thought from his brain. 

"I- I have an idea, but... it's not exactly morally sound," L admitted, slowly looking at Light.

Light swallowed, quietly crossing his arms.

"Oh... um... w-what is it?"

L massaged the bridge of his nose.

"If Misa thinks Light's in danger, she'll run into any situation. And Rem will follow. Due to my more questionable methods in the past, there are criminals who owe me favors... I can order them to lie in wait at the warehouse. When Misa comes in, they ambush and attack with the intent to kill. Rem will kill them and she'll die. We can be nearby and deal with Misa after Rem's gone."

Light gaped, slowly looking at the floor. L hadn't been kidding when he said morally questionable... Neither said anything for the longest. The boys looked at each other, backing out of the motel.

"We're going to go buy some dinner. The two of you should stay low," Matt said.

Mello and Near agreed, the three of them retreating to give the men some space.

L sighed, avoiding Light's eyes.

"You probably think I'm a horrible person, don't you?"

"No," Light said quickly. He wanted to envelop L, but wasn't sure if it'd be welcome. Sucking in a breath, he gave it a try, holding L in a tight hug.

At first, L stiffened, looking down at broad shoulders and spelling apple spice in that chestnut hair. He slowly melted into the hug, his body shaking. Even after everything that happened, he couldn't deny that he felt safe in Light's arms.

"I'm not a good person," he whimpered, tears welling behind his eyes. What kind of a good person could come up with a scheme like this? To sacrifice people in order to kill someone else?

"Ryuzaki-"

"I'm no better than Monster," L cried quietly, sagging into Light's grip, "I-I've killed, cheated, lied-" For the millionth time, he saw Caleb's dead face.

"Shh, you're okay, it's okay." Light passed his hand over L's back. "Listen to me, Ryuzaki. You're so much better than that man... you _are_ a good person... I need to hear you say it."

Stray tears rolled down L's cheeks. Ever since he'd made the decision to come back to Japan, he felt like he'd been forcibly holding himself together. Trying to protect Light from Kira, figuring out all this shit... a low sob choked from his throat.

"I-I... am a good person..."

Light nodded into L's hair.

"We'll figure it out. It's a good plan... I might not agree with it, but Rem has to go. And as for the criminals... who are they?"

Sniffling, L pulled back, trying to divert his brain to that direction, nodding.

"U-um, just some mafia. Horrible people. Killers, rapists, drug-dealers." L laughed tearily, "They know me as Kenichi Matsuyama, L's proxy. At the time I was about nineteen and they kept trying to get handsy but I-I had Watari. He acted as my bodyguard and wasn't afraid to threaten that if they tried anything, he'd blow their brains out."

L almost smiled remembering Watari's bravery. His unwavering loyalty and convinced. L sighed heavily.

"I saw them as useful and decided to keep them in my back-pocket."

Light listened in interest, biting at his lip.

"Alright, then... it looks like we'll be sending them in..."

 _Sending them in to die_. Light didn't like it. He didn't want to sacrifice anyone, it went against everything his code believed in. But looking at L, at pale tear-stained cheeks and broken eyes... Light was starting to wonder if he was pushing too hard. Wanting to stay in Japan and get the books, it was obviously starting to have a toll on L. Just to distract the detective, Light craned his neck to look at the book.

"Can you flip through the pages? I'm curious."

Blinking, L nodded, thumbing through the pages completely filled with names. Thousands of prisoners dead. He paused at Lind L. Tailor, unable to stop a light huff.

"Is it bad to say that I got so excited when my test worked? I think this is the moment I started seeing Kira as the ultimate challenge."

He put aside the book onto the nightstand, shivering. L looked at Light, his voice impossibly soft.

"... I never thought I'd fall in love."

Light swallowed thickly, nodding meaningfully. Their lips swayed closer together, that same pulling tension there from the day they first met. Shuddering, L gaped slightly, his lips coming into contact's with Light's, feeling the soft warm skin against his, sending shoots oof electricity up his spine.

They sat there, their heads tilted as Light explored L's mouth with his tongue, his fingers intertwined with L's. Pulling away slightly, his breath mixed with L's, their gazes hot and saying a million things with their eyes.

"We'll come out of this."

L smiled.

Stretching down, L cuddled into Light, feeling the warmth from the other's body heat. For a few moments, it was just him and Light in the world. No Shinigami or death notes or Kira. Just two people who loved and trusted each other more than anything. L buried his nose into Light's collarbone, inhaling the scent.

For the first time in what felt like so long, L didn't have a nightmare. Just floated through nothingness.

When the boys came back with ramen, they paused seeing the two sleeping. Mello's lips twitched.

"I like Light. Is that weird?"

Near shrugged, twirling a strand.

"He is intelligent," he conceded.

Matt hummed, not looking up from his game.

"And totally a closeted nerd. He's cool."

They went about preparing their ramen, sitting around the small table and listening to L and Light snore softly.

"Do you think L will ever tell us the full story?" Mello whispered.

Matt and Near didn't have an answer. Sighing, Near poked around his dinner, wishing he had his finger-puppets. Or his dice. All he had was his robot toy.

"Maybe. It's really up to him."

They quietly ate, glancing back once in a while at the tangle of limbs on the bed.


	33. Every Piece of Me

Friday loomed over them, threatening and anxiety-inducing. But they prepared. Sitting in circles on the floor surrounded by hundreds of papers with discarded plans. Getting into contact anonymously with the gang they'd use. The five were many things, but unprepared they were not.

L looked at Mello, his eyes serious and intense.

"Hiroto will be giving you a gun... you're to use it as distraction _only_. Are we clear?"

Mello nodded slowly, in awe of the responsibility. All three of them had been trained in using firearms, but it was obviously all for more precautionary measures. He'd never held a gun outside the range.

"You can count on me." He snapped a piece of chocolate between his teeth.

Everyone scanned over the plan again, humming in thought. It was a gambit. A lot could go wrong. Light found his hand holding L's, feeling the warmth of the other's palm against his. L didn't look up from the plans, holding Light's hand as if it was second nature.

On Thursday night, L wasn't eating and was standing outside, overlooking the parking lot. Light blinked, abandoning his ramen while the boys talked and laughed to each other. They noticed but didn't care about Light's absence. He cautiously stepped outside, scanning L's form.

"Are you alright?" Light whispered.

"There's a good chance you or I might die. The boys will be safer."

That was true... Light didn't say anything, just joined him in feeling the breeze kiss his face. Night clung to the world like a blanket, encompassing and intimidating. L hesitated, looking at the younger, his heart beating faster, his fingers prickling with sweat.

"Light. I can't do this again. If you become Kira, I-I can't do this again..."

Light's brow furrowed and he looked over L's face, swallowing thickly.

"... I um-"

"L Lawliet."

L leaned against the railing, the world spinning. His voice was a low rasp. "L Lawliet is my name." An instant weight was lifted from his chest, making him dizzy.

Light stared at him, his eyes wide in a mix of shock and fear. His name...? H-his- holy shit, his name!

"W-what are you doing?!" He cried out, biting at his knuckles, his teeth leaving indentations in the skin.

L reached out, tenderly touching Light's wrist and bringing his knuckles down from his teeth. Light stared at the hand, his heart racing so badly that he thought it might burst. L's voice wavered, a pressure behind his eyes.

"What am I doing?... I'm saying what needs to be said in case one of us..." He trailed off, not even wanting to say 'dies'. L inhaled sharply, forcing his voice to go steady, "I love you, Light. More than anyone in the world... and now you have every piece of me." His grey eyes had gone reflective.

Every piece of him... now they really were together in the most intimate way possible. And yet, it felt right. Like his other half finally knew who he was. The feeling was as freeing as it was terrifying.

A myriad of emotions passed over Light's brain, disorienting him. He experimentally reached out, cupping L's cheek. L leaned into the touch, nuzzling Light's palm, his breath warm against his skin. Light's chest quivered, the new information making him feel honored and loved. Gently pulling L's face forward, he planted a slow kiss on those thin lips, the taste and feeling familiar.

L shivered, tilting his head and parting his lips, a thrill racing up his spine. That'd probably been reckless and un-thinking, but he didn't care. He leaned into the kiss, a moan vibrating his chest as Light's tongue explored his mouth. He tangled his fingers into Light's hair, loving how soft it was, how the chestnut curls fell over his digits and tickled. Light kissed up L's jaw and he shuddered, feeling safe. He felt so safe with Light that it should've been a crime. Their lips hung off each other, their hot breaths mixing. Light licked at his bottom lip.

"When this is all over... I want to be the best partner possible..."

"I want to make love to you," L said softly, his lips twitching in a small smile.

Light's breath caught and his smile made L's stomach flip pleasantly. They touched foreheads, Light's voice gentle.

"There's no rush, Ryu- L... we have our whole lives ahead of us."

L wasn't sure if he believed him. But he nodded, hugging Light close, the two of them simply standing there.

* * *

It was the early hours of morning, light just beginning to filter through the crack in the curtains. L sighed, the memories from last night swirling in his brain. His eyes opened and he froze. Sitting at the table calmly, reading his newspaper was Watari...

Sleep paralysis. L tried to move, but couldn't. His nostrils flared, wishing more than anything in the world that he could run and give the old man a hug. _I miss you_. Watari looked at him, crystal blue eyes shining warmly.

"You look like you're doing better."

 _I'm not! I need you! This plan can go wrong in so many ways! Please_! Watari's gaze flickered and he walked over, kneeling beside the bed so they were at eye-level. L's eyes scanned him, forcing himself to memorize every small detail of the man's face.

"I'm proud of you," Watari whispered, "Lawliet, this plan will succeed and you'll be free... don't let my death be meaningless. Find joy in your life... will you do that for me?"

L stared at him, a pressure behind his eyes. Watari glanced in Light's direction, smiling softly.

"The two of you are sides of the same coin, aren't you? Be there for each other... I love you, L."

 _I love you too. You're like a second father to me. Please don't go_.

Watari gently touched L's shoulder, eyes shining. The apparition faded and soon L could move his fingers and toes. He swallowed thickly, his tongue like sandpaper. The words wormed into his skull. Be there for each other... once this nightmare was over, L would never leave Light's side. _Hm, maybe I should handcuff him to me for the rest of our lives_. He smirked wryly. The smirk fell, his face becoming serious and he whimpered.

Light must've heard the whimper in his half-asleep mind, because L felt strong arms around him, gently pulling him into Light's body heat. L gaped, surprised by how safe he felt in the embrace, like Light's arms could protect him from the world. He nuzzled Light's chest, softly kissing the fabric.

He would.

He'd find joy in this little miserable life of his. Watari's death wouldn't be in vain. L's brow furrowed determinedly, eyes settling in a terrifying conviction.

_I've survived rape, addiction, overdose, sleep paralysis and abuse. I'll be **damned** if that fucking Shinigami or-or that model's the thing that takes me out._

_Light and I will get our happily-ever-after_.

* * *

"Hey! Kenichi! Long time no see," Hiroto exclaimed, hooking an arm around L's shoulders.

The man was twice L's size, hulking and making L feel small.

He tensed, giving a tight smile. Behind him, Light bristled, just as pissed about the rough touch. Hiroto pulled L closer, burying his nose into his hair. L stiffened, but didn't move, his eyes flashing in the mob boss' direction. With Hiroto, it wasn't even about sex. Just the desire to be able to seduce someone 'so close to L'. It didn't matter what L looked like, Hiroto saw it as a challenge.

"It's good to see you too, Hiroto. L sends his regards."

Hiroto smiled cordially. It honestly amazed L who people would work with if they got something out of the exchange. He could basically ask anything of Hiroto and as long as he agreed that 'L' would never take a case relating to Hiroto's gang, this odd business relationship was golden.

"Soooo why do you want us to kill this chick?" Hiroto asked with a quirked brow.

"I don't know," L sighed, shaking his head, "L doesn't tell me everything. All he said was that Misa Amane is connected to Fuji Tanaka." 

Tanaka was a rivaling gang leader, someone who L knew Hiroto hated with a burning passion. Hiroto growled, snarling. He paused and smirked, his lips curling and sending shivers up L's spine, "do we have to kill her? Such a pretty little blonde, I can think of a lot of good uses for her."

L's eyes narrowed a fraction.

"Those aren't L's orders. You know how much he hates loose ends. And he said he wants her stabbed. Don't use guns."

Hiroto rolled his eyes, but nodded in understanding. Besides his and L's tedious business, it was common knowledge not to get on the detective's bad side. L could and had thrown criminals into the deepest darkest holes, had swung for prisoners to be executed rather than life in prison. He didn't see a point in not using guns, but whatever. L was always making strange requests.

"Yeah, okay, okay. Me and my buddies got this." He grinned at the other four men in the warehouse, "we'll gut this bitch like a fish."

 _No, you won't_. But L smiled pleasantly.

"Excellent."

He started to step away, but Hiroto grasped his arm. Light straightened, eyes dark and full of a quiet rage. L looked at the arm, his gaze slowly sliding in the man's direction. Hiroto's lips curled.

"Maybe we can finally get around to that drink you promised me."

L shuddered, wrenching his arm away. He rubbed at the spot, never taking his eyes off of Hiroto. L tried for his best smile.

"Do your job and I'll consider."

Taking Light's hand, they ducked behind some crates. They had some guns hidden there... once Rem and the gang was dead, they'd have Misa surrender. L slid against the crate, hiding his face under a ski mask. Light did the same, glancing in L's direction.

"You think Misa told the rest of the task force about this rendezvous?"

"... We'll find out."

* * *

Mello hung around a window in one of the other warehouses. It was the perfect vantage point, able to see oncoming cars as well as the Yellowbox. Matt sat next to him, typing on his laptop. He'd hacked into various cameras around the shipyard. Hopefully they'd be able to see everything important. Mello brought the binoculars to his face. His lips pursed when he saw two car coming from the distance, presumably transporting the whole task force and Misa.

Mello's lips pursed as he stood, jogging past Matt and in the opposite direction of the Yellowbox, a fence on his left. He stopped at a good distance away and held the gun up.

The task force instantly jumped out of their cars, moving for the warehouse. Misa was right behind them, the death note clutched and pressed to her chest. She looked like she'd been crying, a handkerchief hanging from her fingers. Rem floated right beside her. To an unknowing individual, it'd look like she was simply hanging around, but she was definitely sticking to Misa like glue, looking for any threat. Matt brought the walkie-talkie up to his mouth.

"Now, Mello."

He panted, aiming the weapon at the sky and firing.

The sound of the gunshot made the task forces' heads swivel. Rem subtly pressed closer to Misa, eyes sparking in suspicion.

Soichiro cursed quietly.

"Ide, Matsuda, you check that out. Mogi, Aizawa and I will proceed."

The two officers broke off from the rest of the group. Matt hummed thoughtfully, speaking into the walkie-talkie again.

"You're up, Near."

"Ha, watch him fuck it up," Mello snickered, running in the opposite direction. He could hear the two men yelling fo him to stop.

"What makes you think I'm not adequate?" There was no hurt in Near's voice. Mello snorted.

"Cause you're not an actor, Robot."

Near shrugged.

He was in another warehouse, but close enough to the Yellowbox to be heard if he screamed. Tipping his head back, he wailed loudly, sobbing dramatically. It sounded so pained and agonized that when Mello heard it through the walkie, he almost stopped running, staring at the little machine in astonishment. Shaking it off, Mello aimed at the sky and fired again, ensuring Ide and Matsuda would continue following him.

The rest of the task force heard a child screaming in pain and tensed. Soichiro shifted, fatherly instincts begging him to help the kid. But... Light... Aizawa seemed to read his mind, a father himself.

"I'll check it out..."

"You need backup!" Mogi protested.

"Guys! Light!" Misa cried out, reminding them.

Soichiro let out a distressed sound, turning to Misa.

"You're supposed to be going in alone. I'll give you backup."

Soichiro wasn't a stupid man. He knew someone was dividing them. And if someone knew that Misa wasn't alone, then Light's situation had just worsened. Soichiro and Misa started walking slowly towards the warehouse.

Matt openly cursed.

"Kenichi. We got one more officer with Misa!"

Inside the warehouse, L sighed, holding up his walkie.

"Let me guess. Soichiro Yagami."

"Um... maybe? An older man."

"Definitely Soichiro," L grumbled.

He held out a wireless microphone to Light, nodding.

"There are speakers set up outside. Pretend you're scared."

Light laughed weakly, taking the microphone.

"I don't have to pretend."

Soichiro and Misa approached the warehouse slowly. Light's voice crackled through some speakers. Not loud, but loud enough for them to hear. Soichiro's heart raced hearing his son's voice... his beautiful son... Light's tone was cracked and terrified.

"M-Mr. Yagami... d-don't come any closer. They have eyes everywhere. If you take another step with Misa, they'll kill me."

Misa gasped, shaking. Rem bared her teeth. This all _reeked_. She tried to remind herself that as soon as L got both death notes, Rem would kill him. The instruments were far too powerful to leave in that human's hands. She didn't trust L further than she could throw him.

Inside, L exhaled, shaking his head.

"Everything going perfectly..."

"You don't sound happy about that," Light snorted.

L's brow quirked amusedly.

"What happened the last time our plan was 'working perfectly'?"

At that, Light couldn't answer, pursing his lips. He exhaled harshly.

"If I hadn't touched the book, everything would've been perfect," he reminded L with a small smile, "and as long as I don't touch it now... everything will stay perfect."

L watched him, his head bobbing. He just had to think of it that way.

"This will work," he affirmed, peering around the crate to watch the show unfold.


	34. Free

Misa slowly opened the door, her heart echoing in her ears. Her Light... her beautiful and amazing Light- kidnapped! She stepped further into the dark warehouse, the door clanging shut behind her.

L touched his walkie, his voice a quiet hiss.

"Now, Matt."

From his own warehouse, Matt pressed a button.

An automatic lock they'd added to the warehouse door activated. It clicked loudly and Misa whirled with a gasp. L exhaled. It'd take the task force too long to break the lock. Outside, Soichiro yelped when he heard the lock, racing the door and pulling the handle desperately. The door barely budged and he roared, kicking at it. Misa shrank in on herself, her eyes wide with fear as she tightly gripped the death note. Rem stiffened, keeping close to her side.

"L," she boomed threateningly, "don't you dare try and hurt this girl."

L didn't move, his eyes intense.

It happened so fast.

Hiroto jumped to his feet, roaring and charging at her with a machete. The other four men he brought cried out their support, leaping over the crates.

Misa gasped, pulling at the door handles, tears rolling down her face, the fear consuming her. Rem inhaled sharply, seeing Misa's lifespan going down, each year becoming seconds in an instant.

 _Was this his plan_? Rem's head tilted in defeat. She quickly scrawled down the names. There were just enough to fill the forty second she had to write names. After the fifth name, she tried writing L's. She did a scraggly L along the paper, but her hand disintegrated to dust. It didn't even hurt. One second, it was there. The next, gone. The man charging the attack gagged, his hand going to his chest. Misa whirled, eyes shining fearfully.

"Rem!" She cried out.

"They should all be dead in forty seconds!" Rem was aware of the sand cleaving off her body, disorienting her vision, "survive until the-"

Her mouth dripped off to ash, becoming nothing but a pile of white on the floor. Rem's death note sat neatly on top of the substance. Misa let out an incoherent sound, diving for some crates. She wove between them, hearing the men gasping and dying.

Hiroto crumpled, the pain in his chest unbearable. He realized that he'd been had by L. Had been nothing more than a pawn.

"Kira!" One of them realized, sobbing.

Misa's breath quickened. She ran, trapped in the warehouse and trying to hide. The door was still locked... did that mean there were others in the warehouse? She reached into her bag, pulling out a gun.

She'd stolen it from headquarters. No one had been the wiser. Holding her breath, Misa started combing for anyone else.

L peered around the crate. All five men were sprawled across the ground, silent. Some eyes were bugging, others frozen clutching their chests. He held up his gun, meeting Light's eyes.

"Misa's still somewhere in the warehouse."

Light hummed in affirmation. It was a big building.

The two of them crept forward, L going on one side of the crates and Light out of side on the other. They turned different corners, listening intently for Misa, their bodies tense. After a solid 7 minutes, L knew that Light was probably at the other end of the warehouse by now.

L rounded a corner.

A loud bang echoed throughout the building.

Hot pain ripped into his left lower quadrant. A scream tore through his throat and he crumpled, his hand instantly going to the spot. Something warm and sticky was making his shirt cling to his skin and he couldn't see at first, his vision blurred. L slapped at the ground for his gun, but it must've skidded away. He whimpered, curling in on himself.

The sound of a gun cocking made him freeze, his limbs shaking. L struggled to turn around so he was sitting up, but still slumped, his ears ringing.

"Take off your mask," Misa snarled, "you're going to tell me where Light is!"

He breathed heavily. L looked down to see already a puddle of blood on the floor from where he'd crumpled. He swayed, wanting to just collapse.

L struggled to slide his ski-mask off. Misa gasped loudly, reeling back in shock.

"Ryuzaki?!" She cried out. Her eyes glowed red as she scanned the name over his head. Misa's lips curled. "L Lawliet, hm?"

He spat at her shoes, baring his teeth while his hands applied pressure to the wound. L wouldn't show fear. Not to her.

She leveled the gun to his face and he blanched, staring up the barrel.

"Misa-"

"I saw the way you and Light acted around each other," she growled menacingly, "you wanted to steal him all along, didn't you!?"

L's eyes widened a fraction.

"Misa, wait-"

Her finger wrapped around the trigger.

"Fuck you! I'll find Light and tell him about how I freed him from you! We're going to get married and have a bunch of kids. No one takes him away from me-"

Blood splattered onto L's face. His eyes popped in shock. Misa's eyes were still fixed on him, her mouth open in mid-sentence. Light stood behind her, having shot her in the back of the head, his gun still smoking.

L flinched when Misa _thudded_ to the ground, blood leaking from her forehead and spreading across the floor.

Light stared at the body... and L could tell the other was in shock.

"Light?" L called shakily.

He didn't respond, just kept staring at Misa. Suddenly, Light roared in agony, shooting the corpse in the back. Blood splashed up, but Light didn't stop, unloading his entire clip into her, until she was a bloody, hole-filled lump on the floor. He was trembling, panting. L swallowed thickly, his heart aching for his other half. He tried standing, but his wound exploded in pain and he yelped, falling back down.

The yelp brought Light out of his stupor. He inhaled sharply, racing to L's side. Pressing a hand to the wound, Light fumbled for the walkie-talkie, his voice wavering.

"Matt! Matt, call an ambulance!"

"Light?! What happened?! I heard gunfire!"

"L's hurt," Light's tone cracked.

There was so much blood, water-falling over his hands and staining his skin crimson. L stretched out on the ground, his vision swimming. He felt Light's soft lips on his temple.

"Babe, I need you to hold pressure while I unlock the door and get the task force, okay?"

 _Babe_? L laughed weakly, his mind a stuffed muddle.

"L! Do you understand me?"

Hm? Oh... pressure. L nodded slowly, gripping at his side. Light's feet pounded away, screams for help ripping from his throat.

L could hear his heart beating uncomfortably loudly. It felt like time both crawled and quickened. His little miserable life flashed before his eyes, every small trauma and just as impactful happy moments. L wheezed, holding the wound. Not here. He wasn't going to die here.

Light threw open the door, coming face-to-face with his father. They stared at each other, momentarily stunned. Soichiro's eyes flickered over the healing wound on Light's nose, long and jagged and ugly against the rest of his skin. Soichiro opened his mouth, but Light cut him off, his eyes wide.

"Dad! It's- it's Ryuzaki! He's in trouble!"

Soichiro gasped, following his son. He had no idea wha Ryuzaki was doing here... was he somehow connected to Light's kidnapping? He didn't say anything, just raced after his boy.

L looked down at the pool of blood on the floor. Was that his own blood? He felt numb. His eyes flickered. Near, Mello and Matt's voices echoed, screaming his name. He could feel people crowding around him, but everything was fading. L passed out.

* * *

Light looked through the hospital door's window. L was sleeping, hooked up to machines and ivs. Near and Mello were in the hospital's cafeteria, Matt guarding the death notes at the motel. Sighing, Light leaned against the door, his eyes misting. He stiffened when he felt his father behind him, and he quickly sucked in a breath, forcing himself to put up a perfect facade. Soichiro looked at him in concern.

"Light... what happened to you? Misa said you'd been abducted. Did Ryuzaki-"

"No," Light said instantly, his throat bobbing.

He and his father made eye-contact. Light cleared his throat, never letting the facade drop, his voice emotionless.

"Ryuzaki has not harmed me in any way, Father. I'm-"

He hesitated, his voice trailing off at his father's expression. Light realized that Soichiro didn't want the usual calm and collected explanation. He shifted, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. Light almost wanted to laugh. He'd survived so much... and he was suddenly so nervous about telling his father that he was _gay_? He picked at the palm of his hand, his gaze distant as he stared at L's unconscious form. In that second, he realized he couldn't lie. Not about L.

"I love him," he breathed.

Soichiro's eyes widened to saucers, so still that he looked like a statue. Light's voice came back stronger, cracking with emotion as he dropped the facade, vulnerability leaking onto his features. His voice was a whisper. The words tumbled out, free and flowing, unable to be held back. He couldn't hold his feeling for L back anymore, or lie about them.

"I love him, Dad. And I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him. H-he doesn't seem like the marriage type, but that doesn't matter to me. Because I love him."

He swayed on his feet, suddenly feeling like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Light avoided his eyes holding onto his arms. He expected Soichiro to reject him, to call him disgusting. His knees buckled in anticipation, prepared.

But that didn't happen.

Soichiro hugged his son. Light stiffened, his eyes wide and his limbs trembling.

"Y-you... don't hate me?"

"Light, I could never hate you. I'll admit, if you'd told me before, I may not have been so accepting. But when Misa said you'd been abducted... all the worst thoughts went through my head and I realized all I wanted in this world was to have you back. I love you, Light."

The trembling worsened and Light sagged into his father's grip, tears welling. He sniffed, nodding into Soichiro's arm. Pulling back slightly, Soichiro sighed.

"I'll also admit that I'm not very fond of Ryuzaki as a person. But if you love him... I'll learn to accept him."

Light nodded rapidly, his heart jumping. Smiling kindly, Soichiro ran a hand through his son's hair.

"I'll go get some lunch... you stay here with him, alright?"

Light's eyes shone gratefully. He nodded, turning back to his sleeping lover and stepping inside. Light pulled the chair up next to L, examining the other. His black hair was spread around his face like a dark halo, his pale face like porcelain. Light took L's hand, gently kissing the knuckles and resting his chin on them, his eyes sliding to L.

"You better not fucking die. I swear to God, I'll turn the tables and haunt _you_."

He exhaled a soft laugh, carefully putting L's hand down again. Light settled back in his chair, humming softly, every once in a while stroking L's hair.

The only times he moved was for the bathroom.

* * *

The first thing L heard were machines beeping. He blinked, feeling numb and floaty. He was in the hospital... it was dark, the only light coming from the moon outside and corridor lights streaming in from beneath the door. Light was in one of the seats, his head lolled forward as he slept. L struggled to sit up, glancing down at his side. It was tightly bandaged, numb and throbbing, but not as painful as it could be. Light stirred, yawning, cocoa eyes slowly slipping open. He stared at L for a few seconds, blinking until his eyes widened.

"You're awake!" He exclaimed, scooting his chair closer.

L faltered, smiling shakily. Everything that happened in the warehouse came back in sluggish pieces. He tilted his head.

"Misa..."

"She's gone." Light averted his gaze, something haunted in his eyes, "... I killed her."

Right. The image of her body being filled with bullets made L shift. Before he could open his mouth, Light's head hung shamefully.

"I... I feel... bad... I could've ordered her to drop her weapon and surrender, but... I felt so angry. I just wanted her dead."

L swallowed thickly, sighing heavily. Misa was a madwoman. She was singlehandedly responsible for the deaths of thousands of people, not to mention Ukita. L found he was glad that she was dead. Perhaps that wasn't the socially acceptable response, but he couldn't change his emotions. He was happy to be rid of her.

"... Good riddance," he grumbled.

Light blinked, his lips twitching as he tried to stop a snort.

"You're terrible," he chuckled.

"Hm, that may be so, but you totally fell in love with me," L grinned.

They looked at each other, smiling meaningfully. Yes. They loved each other, and now...

"We're free," Light murmured in awe.

A shiver raced up L's spine. It almost didn't feel real. He nodded slowly.

"Free..."

Light smiled. He paused though, his face falling more seriously. Light fiddled with his fingers, avoiding L's eyes.

"Um, there's something you should know."

At L's questioning expression, Light inhaled deeply.

"Watari's ashes. They're in headquarters. There wasn't anyone to claim him."

Watari. L's nostrils flared, a myriad of emotions passing through his brain. He nodded numbly, squeezing his eyes. So he'd be taking Watari home after all? He knew the older man would have wanted his ashes to be spread in the forest behind the orphanage. Watari loved it back there, spent most of his time simply listening to the sounds of nature and encouraging L to meditate in the peaceful environment. L's eyes opened and he looked at Light, his heart thumping.

"Thank you, I'll claim him..."

He chewed on his lip, his tongue heavy in his mouth. A small smile crossed L's lips. Gentle and loving.

"Unless you wish to stay in Japan... would you like to come to England with me? I'd like to show you the place where I grew up."

Light perked, his mouth falling open in shock and honor. He tucked a nervous strand of hair behind his ear, the sheer trust in L's proposal making him sway. Light took L's hand, giving it a soft squeeze.

"It'd be my honor."


	35. I Know What Love is

_One month later_...

Light looked up at the old manor in awe, feeling small. He couldn't imagine how an actual small child would feel looking up at its majesty. L watched the other, his lips curved upwards. The boys stood behind them, shuffling their feet and staring at the ground guiltily. The urn with Watari's ashes was tucked in L's arms, small and inconspicuous, yet heavy for L. He'd finally healed well enough to walk on his own, not wanting to come back to Wammy's in crutches.

Roger greeted them at the door and paused, his eyes slowly scanning over Light and the urn. He had to support himself against the doorway, knowing his friend of over 50 years was in that jar. The man shuddered, trying to clear his throat and get a grip.

"Ryuza-"

"He knows my name," L smiled warmly, "Roger, this is Light. My, um..." He considered for a moment, glancing in Light's direction. "My love."

Light's chest buzzed happily and he found his arm coming around L. Roger blinked, processing this new information. His eyes went to a cautious kind as he nodded.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Light."

Roger took a step towards L, still staring at the urn.

"M-may I-?"

"Of course."

L carefully passed it off and Roger hugged it to his chest, his vision spinning. Quillish was home. His eyes moved to the boys standing behind L and Light. A scowl instantly painted Roger's face.

"You three!"

They squeaked. Roger wanted to be angry. He wanted to be angry that three had left without even a note, leaving him to wonder if the boys had died. And he was angry... but the relief was much more overwhelming. His stance softened, making the three looked up hopefully. Roger sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose, too many emotions an revelations to deal with at once.

"Why don't you three go to your rooms? None of you have been on such a long trip."

The boys perked, staring at the old man in disbelief. But they didn't argue, instead wisely choosing to step past Roger, six feet scampering up the stairs. L and Light exchanged a glance and Roger clasped his hands, regarding Light respectfully.

"Now... I believe a tour is in order?"

He led the two of them inside, giving Light a tour. Light gaped. Even the inside was majestic and rather regal, old mahogany and delicate rugs. Kids hid around corners, watching them with wide, interested eyes. Light tried waving at some point, but that just seemed to scare them all off.

At the end of the tour, they stood outside L's childhood room. The detective's cheeks went a soft red and he avoided Light's eyes.

"It's not um, it's not very interesting," he mumbled sheepishly.

Light's brow quirked, a small smile playing at his lips.

"It's you, though. And I'd be honored to see anything relating to you."

The words made L's heart beat faster. He shrugged in uncertainty, slowly opening the door.

Light moved in, examining L's collection of chess sets and old, broken computers gathering dust in the corner. It was simple, but he could still see traces of L. His L. And no matter what he had gone through in his past, Light cherished every little thing that he recognized built the man L was today. L stood in the doorway, his cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

"See?" He murmured, "I told you it wasn't much."

"It's perfect," Light responded in a whisper.

L's heart jumped pleasantly.

* * *

The rest of the day was really getting to know the kids for Light. An impressive thirty-one, but with Light's mind, he was able to memorize all of their codenames, ages and favorite foods by the time night rolled in.

L sat on the edge of the bed. Light was _here_. In his room! Talk about surreal and strange.

Light stepped out of the private bathroom, scanning L. He swallowed thickly.

"You-... you look nervous. I don't expect us to- to..."

"To have sex?" L finished.

Light's jaws tensed.

"Yeah... it's going to take us both a long time before we're even close to that, isn't it?"

L hated to agree. He pulled his knee up to his chin, considering. A thumb hung from his lips, his thin pale frame practically glowing the moon's clandestine light. In truth, he wanted everything now. Or more accurately, he wanted to be ready to have everything. He was sick of the past always looming. L motioned to the bed.

"Sleeping in the same bed doesn't have sex as a requirement."

Light smiled softly.

"No, it doesn't."

For a while, everything was good. L drifted though the inky ocean that he called sleep, never quite dreaming. The landscape shifted though, taking on a Hellish red. Blood. He was curled up in a puddle of blood. It stung his nostrils and caked into his hair, matting it against his forehead. He trembled, his heart like a rabbit, jumping wildly. Now came the question... when was he? Was this the warehouse? Where the blood water-falled and dripped? Was this in the bathroom, when his leg had been sliced and blood seeped out, moving slowly to his overdosed brain? Or was this in his house? As a little kid, feeling it running in trickles down his thighs?

L gasped, sitting up quickly. Light was on the other side of the bed. He didn't stir to L's commotion.

Cold sweat made his hair cling to the back of his neck. For the first time since going sober, he wanted his pills. They were always so comforting. L whimpered, closing his eyes and trying to piece himself back together. Without Kira, there was no more adrenaline. No more goal. It was getting harder to not want the temazepam.

L's eyes trailed out the window. There was a gentle pattering of rain and standing in the rain... was a figure... The figure stared up at L, just a silhouette.

He stared back, a foreboding feeling in chest. L knew who it was. Without grabbing a sweater or hood, L quietly crept down to the backdoor, stepping out into the rain. His bare feet touched the wet ground, but he didn't register it, simply staring at the hallucination. He knew it'd be easy to just ignore it, but he felt like this was important... like there were things he wanted to say and do that he never could before. 

Monster wasn't as tall as L remembered.

He was still a few inches taller. L would put him at 6' 2'' whereas he was a cool 5' 11''.

L straightened, rain pelting his hair and getting into his eyes. They simply stood there for what felt like ages, L's stomach tense. His voice was surprising even and measured.

"... Ross Hughes..." Saying the name almost made him nauseous. It was something he never did, as if saying the beast's name would summon him. "Age 42 when you committed your crime. Age 52 when you were sentenced... executed at age 56. Your wife and son are deceased, but you have a daughter... Adeline. I checked on my laptop. She's my age. You raped a kid that was the same age as your daughter... and I wasn't the only one. By the time you died, there were thirty-eight accusations of molestation and rape, but none of them had enough supporting evidence."

The hallucination never blinked. Monster's lips curled.

"A part of you didn't like it? You said you loved me."

"You made me say that," L growled, slowly circling the apparition. "I've learned what love is. Real love. Watari loved me. Roger and the boys love me. Light loves me. And in some strange capacity, I believe Caleb cared about me."

He stepped up to the figure, hissing in its face.

"I _know_ what love is. You're just a sad, pathetic man who got off on hurting kids," L snarled, his chest heaving.

"I'm not sure if I'll ever truly recover from what you did to me... but at least I can tell you to fuck off."

Monster's eyes sparked, his lips twitching into a snarl of his own.

"I'm not done with you, Babe."

"Don't call me your babe."

L threw all of his frustrations, all of his anger, into one decisive kick to Monster's stomach. His foot passed through air and he didn't feel an impact, but the image dropped to the ground with a grunt, baring his teeth.

"Get over here!"

L spat at the man's shoes.

He turned, marching for the house, his legs like jelly. He could feel Monster's eyes on his back but as soon as he reached the door... the sensation was gone. L collapsed onto the ground, his breath so harsh that it was coming out in wheezes. That had to be the hardest thing he'd ever done... and it hadn't even been real. He hugged his arms, his vision swimming. The door opened and he looked up to see Light, the man's eyes shining with concern.

"L?! What are you doing out here? You're soaking! Here, come on."

He smiled gently at the worry and caring in Light's voice. L felt proud... like he'd accomplished something.

Taking Light's hand, he almost giggled, pulling the younger out into the rain. Light yelped, his face breaking out into a wide smile. They laughed, nuzzling as droplets hit their faces. L started when he felt Light's warm, now-wet lips pressing against his. He hooked his arms around Light's neck, daring to deepen the kiss, feeling the other's tongue roam around his mouth, making him dizzy with love. Light slid his fingers through L's wet strands, tenderly combing through pitch black messiness.

"I love you," Light murmured, his lips trailing down L's cheek and along his jawline.

L sniffled, nodding.

"I love you too..."

* * *

"This is something I have to do," L sighed, standing outside of the building.

He looked down at the address to make sure it was correct, before finally taking a step. Light watched him curiously and cautiously.

"Do you want me to be there?"

L shrugged.

"If you wish to be. I don't know how open she'll be if there's a second person."

Light nodded slowly, hanging back. He shifted, bringing his scarf higher. Ever since what happened to his nose, he'd worn a stylish scarf to disguise it. L didn't want him to feel so embarrassed of the scar, but he knew it'd take time for Light to come to terms with it. To accept it as another feature of his face. And even then, the man would probably mourn the sculpted, flawless and normal features he once had.

Sighing, L knocked loudly. The door opened and his breath caught.

Adeline Hughes. Caleb's sister.

She looked so different from Caleb, her eyes a darker hazel and her hair much more reddish, undoubtedly genes from her mother. Adeline pursed her lips, scanning L's face. Her eyes were weathered and harsh, but he could tell that she was a good person. He desperately tried to look past the structure of her face, all the little reminders of Monster's presence.

"What is it?" She snapped.

"I'm... um... looking for Adeline Hughes."

Her brow quirked.

"Depends on who's asking."

L quietly wrung his fingers.

"I was a... friend... of Caleb's. I know how much you meant to him, and I just wanted to make sure you were alright."

Her gaze was intent and piercing. Adeline debated, scanning him slowly until she sighed, holding the door open.

"Maybe you can actually tell me what happened to the bastard? I couldn't get any kind of police file. All I know is that he was murdered."

L stepped through the door, following her into the apartment. It was small, just a room with a sofa, tv, and store-bought kitchen needs. There was a small bathroom and then her room. Basically just a bed on a captain frame. He knew she was still watching him, her eyes never wavering. After a few seconds, she sighed.

"You take coffee?"

"Yes, please."

She went about preparing it.

"Sugar?"

L bit his lip. She might get a bit spooked if she knew just how much... smiled reassuringly.

"Yes, thank you. Three."

Ugh. Three. It was going to be undrinkable and bitter. While she got the water and opened the packets, L's eyes were drawn to pictures on the walls. Who he could only assume to be Monster's face had been violently scratched out. The rest was a woman with flaming red hair holding a little boy. L swallowed thickly. Maybe this was a bad idea...

"So, how'd you know Ethan? Or... I guess he went by Caleb, hm?"

"He did go by Caleb," L admitted slowly, "I was... employed by him."

"Hm. As a whore, drug dealer or executioner?"

L's tongue felt heavy in his mouth. He glanced back to see her knowing expression, her eyes analyzing.

"Based on the fact that you seem to give a shit about him, I'm going to go with whore."

"Hm." Was all he responded with. "... He cared about you a great deal."

"Yeah, well... not enough to stay."

The coffee machine beeped and she poured, tossing in his sugar and carefully handing him his cup.

"Listen, I don't need to hear some big speech about how he was my brother and I should love him just for that. The man was a killer."

That he was. L couldn't deny. He nodded slowly, forcing himself to turn and face her.

"At the end, before he died, he tried to help me. Saw that I was terrified and disconnected from reality. I just wanted to give my condolences, and say that um, he actually left a large sum behind for you. Money that was never official."

Adeline tilted her head curiously.

"What?... H-how much?"

"A million dollars."

Of course Caleb hadn't left that, but it would barely put a dent in L's pockets. He wanted to make sure she'd be well-off. Adeline stared at him in shock and disbelief before laughing incredulously, sliding a hand through her hair.

"Y-you're shitting me!"

"I am not," L smiled into his cup.

"I'm... I'm a fucking millionaire...?"

Adeline swayed, and L worried for a second that she might actually go down. But she stayed upright, her face beaming and bright, like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Without warning, she pulled L into a tight hug, squeaking and bouncing.

"Oh my God... thank you! Thank you so much! I'll never forget this!... Ethan..." She shuddered and for a second, it sounded like she might cry.

L's eyes flew open and he blinked feeling her arms around him. He tried to remind himself that Adeline was a completely different person. These didn't feel like Monster's arms... he repeated it to himself, smiling and hugging back.

"I-I'm glad... I really should get going."

She nodded understandingly, pulling back. L exhaled shakily, the feeling of her arms still lingering. He felt like he could barely walk. As he made his way towards the door, he paused seeing a stuffed elephant toy on the sofa. She followed his gaze and he glanced at her.

"It's nice... where'd you get it?"

"Hm? Oh... it was a um, a gift from my dad. I don't know, he just came home one night and surprised me with it. I've always hated him, but the toy got me through some rough times. Why?"

L looked back at it, wondering when Monster had stolen it from the top of his bed. It still had the baby-blue ribbon tied around its neck, a heart stitched onto the front. He smiled shakily, shrugging.

"Just wondering... have a good day."

He stepped out into the hallway, breathing heavily. Light noticed and gently walked up to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

L closed his eyes, composing himself. When he opened them again, they were serene and calm. Light was his and here to stay... L wanted to enjoy life. He took Light's hands, squeezing them softly.

"Yeah. Let's go out for some lunch?"

Light blinked, squeezing back.

"That sounds great."


	36. Second First Times

L sat with his back leaning against Light's arm.

Light smiled, fiddling with his thumbs as he addressed the therapist.

"Y-yeah, the toys are working really well..."

L's cheeks flushed and he had to bite his lip to keep from smiling. Oh, the toys were most _definitely_ working. He felt ready for full sex... he wanted to feel Light moving inside him, feel warm come filling him.

He wanted Light.

After their couple therapy session and then their individual ones, they went out for some lunch. Light dug into his salad while L delicately ate a large chocolate cake. They exchanged and a sheepish smile, neither saying anything. Nerves frazzled both of their systems. Even though they knew they were ready for sex, the two of them were masters at overanalyzing and complicating.

On the bright side, in the six months since everything ended, Light had gotten much better about showing off his scar. He liked to pretend he was a grizzled action hero with a mysterious past. The person he loved most would be kidnapped and he'd tear the world apart looking for him, surviving literally impossible odds and relishing in plot armor.

That helped. He looked at L, his heart skipping pleasantly. Funny how they'd had sex, completely explored each others' bodies and had done so again with toys. But it felt like they were about to have sex for the first time. L opened his mouth but almost yelped when Ryuk phased through the wall. Grumbling, L averted his eyes, trying not to make it obvious that he was staring at the air. Light tilted his head, recognizing that look.

"Is it that Shinigami?" He whispered.

To L's nod, Ryuk cackled, lounging in the middle of the air. They'd all come to an agreement. The death notes would be kept in a secure vault at Wammy's. In exchange, Ryuk was entitled to a lifetime supply of apples. The Shinigami sighed dramatically, pouting.

"Ellllliiiiie. I want an apple!"

L pursed his lips at the nickname. He nodded subtly, circling a finger around the rim of his cup of coffee.

"Ask Roger. I'm busy."

Ryuk huffed. He pursed his lips in annoyance, but disappeared, allowing L to breathe. He looked at Light, shaking his head.

"I swear, my account's going to be drained for that thing."

Light chuckled, watching L in admiration. A part of him wished he could see a real god of death, but he knew he couldn't. It was impossible without becoming Kira again. He continued picking at his food, trying to forget and let his mind wander again to the night that awaited them...

* * *

They sat on the bed, fiddling with their fingers. Their apartment was rather small, but it was cozy and theirs. They alternated between England and Japan a lot, with them living in England... Japan just had so many memories. Light glanced at L.

"So... you look... handsome."

L smiled awkwardly, his cheeks tinging pink.

"You're always stunning."

Light's smile really was dazzling. It left L breathless. Scooting forward, Light placed a tender hand over L's.

"We don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with."

"... The same goes for you... I want this, Light-" L pressed himself closer, his lips hovering over the other's, "- I want to taste and feel you. I want every fucking inch you can give me."

Light's pupils dilated at that. A soft growl vibrated from his throat as he caught L's lips. He could taste faint traces of chocolate, strawberry, and coffee, all swirling together in a maddeningly sweet taste. L's taste. He breathed softly against L's mouth.

"And I want you... I want to hear your moans dripping from your mouth and feel the way you clench around me."

L gasped, nodding rapidly. He wanted that too. He opened his mouth, assaulted by the taste of apple and spice, crisp and reminding him of autumn. Hooking his arms around Light's neck, he deepened the kiss, slowly bringing himself to straddle Light's lap. Light looked on with lidded eyes, his hands already roaming, bunching up L's white shirt, passing his fingers over lean muscles. L's lips attached to Light's neck, sucking on the skin. He pulls Light flush against him, just needing proximity. Cupping L's ass, Light moaned.

Pulling back, L smirked, slipping his shirt off agonizingly slowly, each movement purposeful and teasing. Light's nostrils flared seeing the other's body, pale skin practically glowing in the moonlight. L leaned forward, carefully undoing the buttons to Light's trousers. While he did, Light tossed off his shirt, discarding it in a random direction. The two of them fought to practically tear off the pants. Light stretched onto his back, groaning when L slid the boxers down, and the younger's erection sprung free.

L stared at it hungrily, his own cock twitching in his jeans. His voice was smooth, a low purr worming into Light's ears.

"Close your eyes."

A pleasant shiver raced up Light's spine. He obeyed, his hips canting in anticipation.

L took his time. He swirled a finger around the tip, drawing out a needy sigh from the other. Instead of gripping him, L's mouth came down, wrapping around the cock and having it sink as far back as possible.

Light's sound was lewd and sinful. His fingers instantly went to grip L's strands, pulling at them. It stung L's scalp, but he didn't mind the sensation. If anything, he found it much more erotic and stimulating. His tongue lapped along the shaft, swirling around the tip. Every movement made Light writhe and moan, his toes curling.

"Fuck, I need to fuck that pretty mouth," he rasped.

L shuddered excitedly, nodding around the member as best as he could. His head bobbed, which just made the noises fall louder from Light's lips. His hips bucked and he pushed in the wet, hot cavern that was L's throat. L's fingers latched onto Light's thighs, dragging down his skin until he was sure he was leaving long lines. Marking Light as his. The action only seemed to spur Light, making him thrust steadily up into L's mouth. His eyes glazed over in pleasure, every suck, slurp and lick chipping away at him until he was almost falling apart. He slammed upwards into L's throat, relishing the deep sounds the other made, vibrating around his cock.

"Oh God," he panted, shaking his head, "I-I'm going to come, oh _fuck,_ L!"

L quickly hollowed out his cheeks, making Light cry out. He came, his hips jutting up as Light let out a roar, tightly gripping L's hair. L stayed in his position, lapping at the come and swallowing, greedily licking and cleaning Light's shaft. He licked at his lips, grinning up at Light seductively. Still panting, Light shook his head in disbelief. He opened his mouth, but found he couldn't form words. Sitting up in a daze, Light touched at L's chin, admiring the flush and sudden color that had appeared on that pale skin. A slow smile crept up Light's cheeks as he bit his lip.

"Your turn."

That made L grind in anticipation, his eyes lustful and ready. Stretching them down, L looked up at the ceiling, his heart pattering wildly against his ribcage. He heard a bottle popping and squirmed needily.

His eyes popped and he arched with a moan feeling Light's fingers dancing around his entrance. Light sank one in, the lube cold against L's insides. The whimper of absolute desire and need that emanated from L shocked even him. It felt amazing to have Light's finger inside of him...

Light took extra care to pay attention to the scars, gently passing lube over them. He added in a second and ultimately third finger, stretching L.

By the time the third finger was inserted, L thought he'd die from the pleasure. He whined, his fingers grasped and twisting the bedsheets. His mouth hung open, drool pooling in the corners of his lips.

"I need you inside me," L gasped, squirming to get Light's fingers deeper.

When Light brushed his prostate, L almost screamed, his blood on fire and an itch just under his skin. Light stroked his prostate, his fingers deceptively gentle. L craned his neck, huffing a laugh. His legs trembled as he clenched around Light's fingers.

"I need you to fuck me _now_!" He emphasized in a low growl.

"Aww, impatient, are we?"

Chuckling, Light leaned down, his lips hovering over his lover's. L scanned those sculpted lips, his eyes clouded over from lust. Pausing, L's neck slowly came forward. He gently kissed the scar on Light's nose, his lips lingering tenderly. Light blinked, the action unexpected. For a second, time seemed to stop. All he could feel was the lingering featheriness of L's kiss. They looked down at each other, a million silent things passing between their eyes. Light's lips trailed over L's jawline, moving to his neck.

"I love you," Light whispered into soft skin.

L's insides completely melted, his eyes shining lovingly. He smiled, the sight making his whole face light up and stealing Light's breath.

"I love you too."

Gripping L's sides, Light slowly entered. L threw his head back, sinking his teeth into his lips. Light hissed, plunging in to the hilt and stopping, letting L get adjusted. Breathing heavily, L looked at him with eyes blown black.

"I want you to fuck me into this mattress into tomorrow."

Light groaned, his hips rolling. His lips twitched.

"Whatever you want..."

His hips pulled out to the tip and he thrusted back in, the action making the bed and L jolt. L gave a strained moan, hooking his nails into Light's shoulder blades. Light buried his face into L's shoulder, his tongue lapping along L's skin. He found a rhythm, pounding and slamming into him. The bed creaked wildly, their bodies shaking in unison. L was so- _hot_ and _tight._ His cock slid through, the slick form the lube covering his shaft. He grunted, his hips bucking wildly.

L's nails raked down his skin and back, the sting making Light's heart race. He leaned into the nails, his hips snapping desperately. L's thighs quivered from the force. His hips rolled, meeting Light's thrusts.

"Light! Oh, _fuck_! Just like that! Oh God, fucking take me! _Fuck me!_ "

Every time Light hit his prostate, L saw stars. He wrapped an arm around Light's neck, burying his nose and breathing in sweaty skin. Light never stopped, grunting and growling, his voice husky.

"I fucking love you... fuck, you feel amazing. I'm going to fill you come, I'm going to-"

His voice devolved into dirty nothings. All L could do was nod, whining and sucking Light's skin. Light desperately hooked one of L's legs over his shoulder, driving in deeper. L's limbs shook, not even realizing it was possible to feel this way.

Tugging back L's hair, Light roared, coming. He wasn't sure if he'd ever come so much in his life. His entire vision went white from pleasure, the rest of the world going to static.

His orgasm spurred L's. He gave an animalistic shriek, his entire body clenching. Even still riding out the orgasm, feeling L clench around him made Light's hips spasm. L felt light-headed, his body buzzing from the high.

They breathed heavily, still tightly clutched to each other and connected. L rested his head back on the pillow, exhaling slowly. Light panted, looking down at the other. L's eyes were dazed, his hair plastered to his skin by sweat. Light couldn't help but think about how beautiful L was... He reached out, slowly stroking L's cheek.

Blinking, L smiled up at him, turning his face to kiss and nuzzle the palm. Light didn't want to move. He felt at home buried inside L, his sides warm and encompassing. But he pulled out, gently pulling L against him and cuddling. L shrank into Light's body, his heart pumping before starting to calm down. He could stay here forever, tucked into Light's body-heat.

They basked in the afterglow, Light's lips pressing to L's temple. Here, it was just them. The rest of the world didn't exist. Light hesitated, drawing circles onto L's stomach, his voice soft.

"Um... L?"

"Mm?" He murmured almost drunkenly.

"...W-what would you say if I, um... if I asked you to marry me?"

L froze. He twisted his neck, staring at Light with wide eyes. He'd never considered marriage. He was shocked, completely caught off-guard and watching the other. Light shrank, suddenly worried L would make fun of him. Would he consider marriage silly? L softly reached up, his fingers ghosting over Light's lips. The fingers lingered, the skin warm on both ends. L's voice was croaked, but joyful. His eyes misted, making his grey eyes reflective.

"Of course... I'd say yes... I'd say yes a thousand times if it meant I got to spend the rest of my life with you."

Light gaped, his stomach flipping. He shivered, unable to believe L said... yes... He said yes... Light gasped, letting out a breathless laugh. He shook his head, sniffling.

"You... you mean it?"

"Of course I mean it!" L chuckled, "I love you. I'll admit... I've never considered nor cared about marriage, but... it feels right to marry you. I'll always want to be with you."

Light's lips twitched, his chest quivering. He was going to get married? He was going to be with L for the rest of his life... he laughed, hugging L tightly against him. L returned it, showering his fiancee with small kisses. Fiancee... it had a nice ring to it.

Huddling into Light's grip, L fell asleep, his ear pressed against Light's chest.


	37. Sweet Dreams

Mello's brow quirked.

" _Married?!_ "

Even Near, who still had his cool expression, managed to somehow look shocked. Matt's game had clattered to the floor. This was how one could tell this was serious. L nodded, a small, shy smile playing at his lips.

"I know what you're thinking... trust me, I am too. But I love him, and I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him."

Light had taken pity on L and his nerves. He understood that 'weddings' and 'marriage' had never really been within the man's purview. They wouldn't have a large wedding ceremony, simply dinner with the boys, Roger, Light's parents and his sister. Even something as simple as that was making L bounce nervously.

Near was the first to snap out of his stupor, twirling a strand of hair.

"Congratulations. You deserve happiness."

At that, the other two started. They blinked and nodded enthusiastically, their eyes shining.

"Light seems like a good dude," Matt conceded, "sometimes he'll play video games with me."

Mello nodded slowly, still looking a bit shell-shocked. After a few seconds, he recovered, smirking.

"Y-yeah. I mean- anyone who likes chocolate has my blessing to marry you."

L couldn't help but snort, his heart swelling. He looked around the three of them, his stomach flipping pleasantly. A bright smile traveled up his lips and he surprised the boys by pulling them all into a tight hug.

"I love you boys."

The three yelped in surprise, but they weren't complaining. They looked at their mentor's back and at each other. This was definitely... new... but they tentatively returned the hug. They loved L... they just never imagined they'd hear it so emotionally from the man...

They'd gotten their own private room at the high-end restaurant. Light was impeccably dressed, having carefully chosen out a tux. Although not wearing a stuffy tux, L dressed up, the clothing tight and restricting, but form-fitting all the same. He gelled down his hair, even though a few strands wanted to rebel. Next to Light, he felt so plain. But Light kissed his temple, assuring him that he looked handsome.

Soichiro stared at L.

L stared back.

While everyone else got acquainted, Soichiro cleared his throat, averting his eyes.

"So... my son."

"... Yup." L popped his lips, swaying on his feet.

They didn't say anything for what felt like the longest, fiddling with anything they could fiddle with. Soichiro glanced at him.

"This... relationship... happened while the both of you were handcuffed, no?"

L winced, nodding slightly. The tense silence continued until L sighed.

"Mr. Yagami, I've always held a great respect for you. I love your son and I will do everything in my power to give Light the best life possible... I love him."

Soichiro's eyes were burning a hole into L's. He had to stop himself from shrinking back, straightening and telling the man with his own gaze that he meant it. Everyone else was already starting to dig into the appetizers, striking up chatter. Finally, Soichiro sighed.

"Light is an intelligent young man. He trusts you... welcome to the family, Ryuzaki-"

"L," L smiled softly, "my name is L."

Soichiro gaped, caught off-guard for a moment. He nodded slowly, his gaze warmer.

"Alright. _L_. Welcome to the family."

The family... L had a family now... he beamed, motioning towards the boys and Roger.

"And you're welcome in ours. It's... a bit stranger than the typical family, but... I love them."

Light wrapped an arm around L's shoulders, his eyes shining. Soichiro turned to introduce himself to Roger while Light nuzzled L's nose.

"This is nice," he sighed.

At first, Light had been worried about not having a full ceremony. But here, surrounded by the people he cared about and L, he didn't feel like he needed one. He glanced around, noticing the boys talking with Sayu (and her continuously glancing at Matt) and his parents conversing with Roger. They kept eating dinner until Roger stood, holding up a glass of champagne.

"To L and Light... may their union be fruitful and happy."

L and Light's cheeks burned brightly as everyone else around the table chimed in their agreement.

Nerves wrestled in L's stomach as he made to stand up. Light watched him curiously, leaning back as L fumbled to take out some cards, his voice unsteady.

"I-I um, I wanted to do some vows."

Light's mouth fell open and he straightened, his eyes already misting and L hadn't said a word yet. Looking at the other, L exhaled shakily.

"Light. We met under... less than ideal circumstances-"

The other laughed, nodding rapidly. L's lips twitched, and he continued.

"But I fell for you all the same. You helped me... made me feel like I was worth being loved and helped me see that I'm not defined by my past. If someone had told me a year ago that I'd be here, I would've thought they were insane. And yet, I am here. And I'm glad I am. Because life without you, Light... it was dark and cold. I felt scared and unsafe until I had you back... We've gone through hardships other couples would never dream of and have come out stronger because of them. And I know it'll be the same going forward. I know we'll fight and disagree and probably continue being competitive, always trying to outdo each other. But through it all, I'll love you. And you'll love me. We'll always have each other."

Light was fanning himself, trying not to ugly-cry. It was hard and he gave up, letting out a sniffle, tears sliding down the bridge of his nose. L grinned, enveloping the other. Light buried his face into L's shoulder, heaving.

"How the fuck am I supposed to top that?" He chuckled tearfully.

L laughed, his cheeks still burning, unused to being so open in front of so many people. Inhaling deeply, Light pressed his temple against L's. He nodded, almost to himself an stood, his finger intertwined with L's.

"Figures you'd go first and leave me a wreck," he teased lightly.

L pretended to roll his eyes.

"He who attacks first wins."

Light snorted.

"... Damn it, hold on-" Light swiped at his eyes, trying to steady his voice as he looked at the other. "L. Because of... certain things... my memories of meeting you have holes. Thoughts I knew I had that I can't recall. Moments that feel distorted. But I can definitely remember falling in love with you. Every moment, from the wonderful, to the sad, to the scared. I drew strength from you in my time of need and I know for a fact that if I need you now or in the future, you'll be there. You'll always be there, and I'll always be grateful for you. I feel honored that you let me in... honored that you gave me things you never gave anyone else. I love you and I swear that I'll try to be there for you in the ways that I knew I could count on you."

L's eyes pooled. Now he was he one crying. He smiled tenderly, his heartbeat racing. Roger looked between the two of them, grinning.

"Well. I am an officiant, so! Do you take each other as husbands?"

They both nodded rapidly, still looking at each other.

"I do," Light breathed.

"I do too," L chuckled.

Roger clasped his hands.

"Then in the power vested in me, I declare you two husband and husband."

Everything felt surreal as Light pulled L into a passionate kiss, his lips warm and honey-like. L melted into the kiss, returning it. He was vaguely aware of the boys and Light's family cheering and clapping. After a few seconds, L pulled back, his cheeks flushed. He tried saying something, but his brain was such a puddle that it all came out in an incoherent mumble.

Light's fingers brushed down his cheek, sending pleasant shivers up his spine. L leaned into the touch, sighing longingly. It was all dream-like, better than L could expected. Cuddling up to Light, they ate dessert, beaming towards each other and holding hands.

* * *

"God, I love you," Light growled, pressing L to the wall.

The door had barely closed and they were already desperate for each other, shifting clothing and feeling their bloods boil. They were planning on making good on their wedding night. L gasped feeling Light's lips attach to his neck. He instantly jerked his hips forward and Light reciprocated, rubbing his still-clothed erection against L's. A mew vibrated in L's throat, his lips twitching.

"I need you to fuck me... Husband."

The new title made Light grind forward, quickly pushing down L's pants and underwear. L breathed heavily, his knees buckling in anticipation. He moaned loudly when Light's fingers tightly wrapped around his shaft, instantly pumping.

"Oh _fuck_ , oh fuck, fuck, fuck..." L whimpered.

He felt Light's tongue roll throughout his mouth, twisting with his own and running along the inside of L's cheeks. L returned the kiss eagerly, tugging almost desperately on Light's tie. Light continued pumping L's member, his thumb passing over the slit. It made electricity shoot through his limbs, clouding his mind with desire. L's hips canted, pulling Light's tie with one hand while the other spread his fingers through his husband's hair. Light's other hand snaked around L's hips, slowly pushing a finger inside.

The sound of pleasure that came from L was almost inhuman. Light smirked, adding a second. He touched at L's prostate, stroking and curling against it. With that hand pumping him and the other stroking at his prostate, L was shaking needily, his thoughts drowned out. He panted, latching his nails into Light's shoulder blades. He could still feel the markings from the last time they'd had sex and it sent a thrill up his spine. He was so close to coming, lewd sounds escaping his chest. Before he could, Light pulled his hands away, a small teasing smile playing on those lips. L shook his head breathlessly.

"You're such a shit," he slurred affectionately.

Light chuckled, dragging a finger up and down L's front under his shirt.

"Too much clothing," Light growled and L had to hum his agreement.

In about four seconds flat, all of their clothing had been discarded and Light was kissing up the sides of L's neck. He wrapped his legs around Light's waist, throwing his head back. Pleasure wormed up his system, making him see stars. Light's tongue flicked across L's nipples and he thought he'd die. The stimulation made him moan, hooking his arms around Light's neck.

Watching Light seductively, L slowly untangled his legs and slid to his knees. Light's pupils dilated, hard member twitching excitedly. Licking innocently at the end, L lapped a long stripe with his tongue along the underside, making Light's eyes flutter in pleasure. Strong fingers tangled into L's hair, egging him on. Looking up at him with lidded eyes, L smirked, revenge for not letting him come before on his mind. He stimulated Light's member, gripping it and sliding his hands, coating the tip in saliva. He drank in Light's moans, but didn't take him completely into his mouth, not giving his husband the satisfaction to accompany the stimulation.

Light groaned, knowing exactly what L was doing.

Releasing Light with a small pop, they locked gazes, eyes blown black. They were both almost painfully hard, their blood feverish and needy.

Scooping L up, Light practically ran them to the bedroom, the both of them laughing. He felt the soft mattress meet his back and Light landed on top. Pulling him into a kiss, he gasped feeling Light slowly enter. They hissed, their hips rocking together. L nipped at Light's bottom lip, sucking on his tongue and gripping him against him.

L threw his head against the pillow, his heart racing. Light started slowly, shallowly thrusting and whispering praise. L felt so full, Light taking all his space and mind.

"Oh God," he wheezed when Light sped up.

Soon, the bed was pounding against the wall, the two of them crying out lewdly. Without breaking their connection, L twisted them, slamming down and riding his husband wildly. Light grunted, holding onto L's hips as he met L's thrusts, his hips buckling upwards. The air felt heavy with sex, sweat making L's hair cling to the back of his neck. His entire body quivered with the force.

Addicted to Light. He knew he was and always would be addicted to Light. The thrusts became more erratic, their moans becoming louder. L could feel Light pulsing inside of him, and he thought for a moment that he really would explode. Planting his hands against Light's shoulders, L's hips jerked sporadically.

Roaring, Light screamed L's name and came, filling L with a warm stickiness. It made him complete and whole... Light's orgasm spurred L's and he tipped his head back, the pleasure washing his system. All he could hear was white noise, his mind blanking.

It took a few moments for him to come back down from his high, Light's member still deeply embedded into him. His breath wheezed as he looked down, a gentle smile on his lips. Light met the smile, returning it with one of his own. Neither moved, afraid to break the spell. Eventually though, L realized he was exhausted and slowly dislodged himself. He curled up into Light's body heat, feeling the steady beating of his heart. A content sigh gathered in his chest.

Here with Light in the dark, they really were the only two people in the world.

L nuzzled Light's collarbone, inhaling the other's scent. Light kissed the top of L's head, sighing and basking in the afterglow, breathing sweet nothings and feeling L's shivers in response. He'd be there for L... through nightmares and sleep paralysis. Anything. Turning his husband so L's face was buried into his chest, Light hugged him tightly.

Smiling into Light's skin, L fell asleep, drifting through sweet dreams...


	38. Epilogue

L never considered 'life after Kira'. But after three years, he supposed it was a lot like living before Kira, just... different. For one, Mello and Matt were 18 now, Near 16. They were already talking about doing detective work together. It had taken Matt, L and Roger though to convince Mello to give cooperating with Near a shot. So far the arrangement was working. It was a shaky alliance, but L was still proud of his boys.

He still had nightmares and sleep paralysis, albeit less frequent and even less intense. Light had developed a system. He'd hold his husband until he stopped shaking. They'd get some hot chocolate and cuddle until L fell asleep again, nestled in Light's body heat. L definitely wasn't complaining about the system. But it was during those first waking moments when he'd wake up screaming for Watari and sobbing, drenched in his own sweat that he had the greatest urges to relapse and look for pills or purge. Light was there though. Giving him support and love. Scooping him into his arms and quickly whispering soothingly. 

So he could suppose he was getting better.

Ryuk bugged him for apples constantly. Until L snapped and bought a large vault, filling it with thousands of apples, telling Ryuk to have fun. As long as he didn't bother him.

The Shinigami was quite satisfied.

A part of Light was still curious to see Ryuk, to understand what a god of death looked like. He'd seen apples being consumed in thin air and would stare in a quiet awe. But of course he understood that it was impossible. It just sucked and he was much too childish for his own good, having to stop himself from pouting and whining.

They went back to detective work. Technically they were 'partners' but the cooperation usually devolved into a competition of who could catch the criminal first. It could get rather heated, with L hogging all the resources and even once having security escort his husband off the premises.

L didn't get any sex for that stunt. In fact, L had to watch Light masturbate and he wasn't allowed to touch. That definitely had him buying some sweets to make it up to Light.

But all in all... L realized... he was happy.

* * *

L sat on the sofa, curled up in Light's body heat. He snuggled deeper into the blanket, purring against Light's chest. It was snowing out, so they'd grabbed the weighted blanket and hot chocolate, throwing on some relaxing music. Light had even gone so far as to start a fire in the fireplace. It crackled quietly, the flames flickering and curling, They sighed contently, the living room's atmosphere cozy and safe. 

Feeling safe... this kind of safe... was something L could've only dreamed of. Everything he shared with Light, the love, the trust, the safety, they were all things L would've never imagined he'd have. He craned his neck, smiling fondly.

Light couldn't help but notice the change in L over the past few years. The heavy bags under his eyes were mostly gone. His deathly pale skin had a healthy glow and even his hair was more silky and manageable. Grinning, Light passed his fingers through L's hair.

"You look tired," Light whispered.

L's cheeks tinged a bright red. He rolled his eyes good-naturedly, settling against the other.

"I am," he breathed, "but I want to be here, with you..." This moment was too perfect to waste on sleep.

Light nuzzled the top of his husband's head, inhaling L's scent.

"Sleep is important, Love."

L pretended to pout, and Light tenderly kissed L's temple, sculpted lips soft. 

"I'll be here when you wake up," he murmured, "I'm not going anywhere."

L's heart skipped pleasantly. His tastebuds still buzzed from the hot chocolate, making his mouth feel stuffed and his mind drowsy. Cuddling into his other half, L listened to Light's heartbeat, internalized it. Light Yagami. 

Lately, he didn't float through sleep anymore. He'd been having dreams. Vivid dreams that were a tossup between being a nightmare or being a vision so sweet that L didn't want to wake up. He never realized that dreams could be so good.

Thankfully, it was one of those nights. His dream was sweet and happy, filling him with a certain contentment. Light hummed against his scalp, feeling the detective's slower breaths. His heart beat a little faster seeing L actually _smiling_ in his sleep. Light stared at the fire, holding L protectively, the grip loving.

Grinning to himself, Light hugged L closer, the both of them huddled in a ball. 

Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh I can't believe it's over T-T!!! Thank you so much to everyone who's followed this story, read, commented, bookmarked, been there through this journey. This has been one of my favorites to work on and I loved it <3 :). I'm going to miss this story lol ^w^. Thank youuuu :D!!!


End file.
